Heartbeat

Voluntary Obedience

2011-12-10T17:09:00.004+07:00

I come to the glance that more can be learned in stillness. But what kind of stillness? Mind moves in each seconds with many thoughts and pictures. Thus if stillness or silence means pause between words, it might not be a truest silence. After listening to one of the podcast of lectures from Metropolitan Kalistos Ware, I am reminded that true stillness is the awareness of God's presence, which one of the way is through Jesus prayer. However, this process is not instant. It's very dynamic and need persistence or even perseverance.

Living in city with many demanding tasks and distractions externally, sometimes can be real challenge to have a habit of stillness. When given by many tasks and instructions I become overwhelmed but when the day is less demanding and seems nothing to do, I become bored. Both of these cases, I find to be critical and even dangerous, since it can be the weakest point where the temptations could easily slip in and in very short time, losing control.

Stillness is the way of coming into the present moment here and now. While learning to take off our self-preoccupations, we keep our minds to be focused on the invocation of the Holy Name. Indeed, in silence we have to face with our inner self and be honest of what we are. Sometimes it passes through some painful sense of admitting loneliness and all the kinds of inconvenience. But I even thankful for that because then it tells me so profoundly how it is to be in a state of turning away from God's sweetest and deepest love... That we need Him, our source and truest joy until the day we die, be resurrected and beyond!

This brings us ardent actions of faith. Whatever befalls us, we then know exactly that God is working in us for His glory. We come to our sense. Life is no more measured by painful or pleasant, easy or difficult, lonely or crowded, but beyond that, that life is about voluntary obedience to Our Beloved Lord who knows where we are to go! It may passes through roses garden at times and thorns and slippery paths at the other. But one thing is for sure that His path is light and truth, and we can not walk but in it! Glory to the Lord!

anticipation

2011-11-07T20:20:00.007+07:00

After taking some seconds to pause and to contemplate how unique was [and is] each encounter which happened today, I am interested in the way we connect with each other through our energies. At school where I inevitably come into face-to-face interactions with the students, many experience can fill my interpersonal treasury box. I am grateful to the Lord for this bountiful opportunity. Deep in my heart, I really long such a loving encounters with others, where I can greet every person that the Lord sends me with peace of mind and joyful heart. But, I must confess that sometimes it is my occupied and distracted mind that bring me into resentment and agitation. Lord, have mercy! May Thou grantest me the inner peace, so that I can see clearly Thy visitation through others and may I become Thy vessel of love and mercy for Thy glory.

Lord, Thy love is so radiant and warms my heart and mind. Glory to Thee, O Lord. With a heart that lifted up in the trust of Thy faithfulness, my breath and songs of my soul praises Thee. It is by Thy unfailing love that Thou hast give me this trust of watching and caring for your little sons and daughters. I am still learning and learning to keep my eyes on Thee while leading them on the path that Thou hast shown us.

One thing that I realize today is that potential problem may come anytime. It might come so suddenly that it is like waking me up with clacks. I have been acting unwisely by avoiding trouble the best I can and yet left it unwatched. Then I found that it is better to observe them carefully, to acknowledge that potential problem and to anticipate those attacks when they come with dignity and power from the Lord by responding in godly way. I am speaking this in terms of the occurrences at classroom and in other hours of the day. In everything, may the Lord be praised. I am His since He is my Lord.

warmth in heart

2011-11-06T20:21:00.004+07:00

Very honestly, works and plenty of cares that I deal with, bring me into such a hectic mannerism. I keep thinking of 'what could come next', a bit of anxiety. One file out and another in, to me feels like something endless, perhaps because this kind of circumstance is quite new for me. Thus I think of this as a time to adjust myself in order to respond positively and even gratefully whatever might come, because the Lord's love is everywhere present. Glory to God.

One thing that I plea to God is that He may grant me the remembrance of His wondrous acts and genuine love through out my days. Sometimes it is not easy for me in my weaknesses to keep focused on His holy name and to be in his presence while other things seem really demanding immediate attention. Lord, have mercy! I am still in the process of learning that prayer comes with the work and the work with prayers. Toils sometimes can wear me out, but knowing it as a path of joy and abiding in Him, my heart is so much comforted. O how sweet is Thy presence, Lord Jesus Christ!

When morning comes, may my heart be instantly tuned to His radiant countenance. In every step, when affliction, temptation and passions comes on the way, may Thy sweet name, Thy invincible protection be my consolation. How gladsome it is to be surrounded by the love and companionship of Thy holy ones. Through the prayers of Holy Theotokos and all the saints have mercy on us and save us. Ameyn!

as content as....

2011-10-30T22:33:00.002+07:00

it is a simple beauty
of seeing and not seeing
of inhaling and exhaling
to stay still in the shaddow of a tree
and be content with the present

receiving mockings as calm and joyful as hearing praise
throwing as gathering
sowing as reaping
working as resting
how beautiful
how peacefull

no hurt only feeling
no effort only mindfulness
no attachment only embrace
in a little tiny smile

the way of nature

2011-10-29T20:46:00.002+07:00

in the silence
genuine acceptance
living it as it is
flowing and glowing
slowly and gently

even when cluster of water moves upward
it shall eventually fall to the ground
and it will be so

accept all things with joy
be it toil or rest
be it sadness or joy
they come as good
and the goodness beyond measure
only let it flow and glow
in a smile

desires and wants makes things blur
shaky in the unstable plate
only receive it and be spacious

in the calmness of the waving leaves

2011-09-29T21:26:00.004+07:00

let the story flow like the wind under the clouds
behold the tiny flower stare at the glistening dew droplets
all around the green grass spread around the stream

Birds sing, little creatures follow along
in the same wind under the same clouds
the rays of sun beam and warm the air
letting these beauty move and resonate
and the fragrance of the tiny flowers fills the soul

constant praise to the Lord

2011-08-30T13:39:00.002+07:00

There is no other thing which could make a day so lively and full of joy, but being in constant remembrance of God's kindness and mercy. Without this, what can we expect from the misery and harshness of the days? Simply to remember His sweetest name is the joy and gladness of the universe, what is more to give Him constant adoration and praise from the pure heart and mind. When we cling on Him continually, we are being transformed into His likeness. It is in dwelling in Him, our soul finds its rest and consolation.

Let's set aside all the worldly cares and unnecessary thoughts. Lest our souls be distracted by what is not needful. Those things can cloud our minds and we can't see clearly the good things that the Lord is bestowing in our ways as the lover of Mankind. Unless our heart and mind are peaceful and meek, we can not be in peace with others, and we do not have peaceful days. No matter what comes to our way, be constantly thankful to Him who is ever good God. Trust in Him and unceasingly whisper the sweet praise to Him in your heart.

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

two golden wings

2011-08-28T23:26:00.002+07:00

Step your feet on the warm sands
stopping the stare at the mirage, that empty beauty
run into the source of the true spring
even though it is as though a trap

walk silently to keep the water inside
follow the little creatures walk
they would bring you to that little tiny water
as the sun burns
its rays scorch the outer skins of hands and lips

go straight looking what is ahead
only silently, without grumbling
use your two golden wings
of modesty and perseverance
and everything is going to be as it is

active again! :)

2011-08-27T23:03:00.003+07:00

There is a time when everything becomes quiet and serene externally, but the soul feels restless. That is what I experience this holiday season. Sudden gap between so hectic day and day of nothing-to-do was so poignant. But nothing to worry, really. It just needs a little bit adjustment. Everything eventually will be like God wills.

Being intensively introvert, sometimes I feel somehow selfish and self-centered. Lord, have mercy. I need to continually realize that this life is a gift and the world is not revolving around me. But everything tells a great story of Him and His unfailing love. I am just a very little part among so many generations and even among all in the universe, which makes me too much to say that I am insignificant for I am anonymous.

I want to come back to my silent and reflective nature. I want to write a little story about this life and what my heart beats for. It consists of anything: sadness, joy, anguish, laughter, smile. And everything is good and beautiful. It will not be easy though, since I have to fight my laziness and limited mind to do all this. Let it be, let it be.

Lord, help!

I think it's time...

2011-01-28T23:19:00.003+07:00

to make something new. But unfortunately, this blog will not be continued. My prayers for my beloved visitors and guests. Love you all. However, I started a new messy and personal blog here, only if it doesn't waste your precious time :D!

Christ is with us!

Yudhie

accept it with joy

2011-01-08T09:40:00.004+07:00

I think at times that I need to learn enjoying the pain. Since it is always there and ready on its way. My instinctive and instant reaction toward anything unpleasant has made me swayed here and there. I need to learn accepting it joyfully and with grateful heart as a blessing and not as an annoyance. This is especially true when suddenly a down feeling comes out of blue and it pierces the heart like an arrow. I don't understand how and where does it come, but I come to realize that it can come anytime and can be so harmful. I need the mercy of the Lord to sustain my heart and to occupy myself with the thoughts that glorifying Him. Lord, have mercy!

And thus the next arrives the critical moment: a free choice given whether to be captivated by the dejection and despair, or to endure it silently; to be calm and patiently wait for the Lord. And honestly, this can be really hard. Lord, have mercy!

Yet, who can tell the joy, the great joy which the Lord bestows, the deliverance and help that the Lord gives to whomever voluntarily endure and wait for Him. This makes me to reflect that it is a love to accept everything the Lord allows in joy and peace, to ask for His mercy constantly and rely upon His Holy Will in dealing with every circumstances, including my own distracted emotions and mind. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

it's joy

2011-01-07T08:54:00.003+07:00

What a solemn and peaceful morning it has been. Praise the Lord for the new day He allows me to enjoy in His mercy. Since last night one sweet contemplation keep flowing in my mind, and that is the fact that the universe and all creation, humankind and even me myself is created through Christ, by Him and in Him and for Him in His great love. It really makes my heart rejoices since it leads me to further gladsome reflection that God out of His love toward His Only Begotten Son made the whole creation through Him and for Him to be His, to be His bride, to be the epiphany of His glory - as Fr Thomas Hopko put it very beautifully in his ancientfaith podcast. Thus all existence; human existence; and yes, my existence- exist toward Him. He loves us with such great, unconditional, and unshakable love throughout the ages to the point that He came down to us in humility, reached the lowest depth of our misery, suffered and crucified for us and for our salvation, and now He raised and sits on the right hand of the Father, as the God-Man glorified! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

How joyous for the soul it is, that Our Lord and Master, the Lover of Mankind really loves us. He is ever-good God. This is the truth and in this truth we know that we are to abide in Him, because only in Him we can bear the fruit and outside of Him we can do nothing. Praised be the name of the Lord!

With that in my heart and mind, I woke up and proceeded my steps to the icon corner; with that warmth in my soul. My heart sings, "I am created for Him and His glory". As I looked on the radiant icon of my Lord and kissed it reverently, I can not help but joyfully adore Him in my heart. Christ the Lord is my Joy and my Light, in Him is Life and Hope! Lord, may You keep my heart and mind - my whole life for You as long as I live, since in You I put my trust! Blessed are you O Lord, teach me Your Holy Commandments! O, Holy Spirit, come and dwell in us and cleanse us by Your Grace. Raise us up when we fall and grant us repentance to glorify Your power and majesty!
Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, both now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen!

to stay focus

2011-01-06T08:34:00.002+07:00

It's funny to realize at times that the distractions seem more stand out than the main task, even sounds more interesting and pleasant. As for me now a college student, to continue my final paper get me to think hard. To stay focus and do what I really need to do can become a challenging thing really. Yet, in the other side of this coin, I can see a good opportunity to really put the understanding into practice, especially in the matter of self-control. Surely I cannot deal with it totally with my own will. It's all only possible with His blessing to act. I sure need to practice to be faithful in the little things and keeps my mind simple so that the worries wouldn't creep in and be discouraged.

It's really tempting to choose the easy and short way and to get gratifications right away. But I really want to focus on the things that is being trusted to me in the moment. I really pray at least I am granted the patience and strength to faithfully do my task before anything else. How rewarding it is if at least I can do a line or two to add to my final paper today!

As today is so bright and sunny in contrast with the wet days last months and this month occasionally. I think it would be good for me to take a walk for awhile, meeting with some friends and talk to them for a while before continuing working with computer. Lord, bless!

Time to start again!

2011-01-05T17:43:00.002+07:00

Here it comes the new year, praise the Lord! Many good things the Lord had granted me in the past year and I am grateful for all of them. I have to admit that I had not been in a very easy time last year but in His faithfulness, He keeps and guards His little servant until this day. The dorm is still very silent until today one of my friends, Jaya came back!
I really pray that in this new year, I am granted wisdom to go the Lord's way and my eyes to be fixed on Him always. My humble prayers for you, my friends and readers so that He may bless you abundantly! Thanks for your kind visit.

And I am thinking of what is this blog about! Well, honestly it started as a simple daily jotting - as simple as it is- there are even my class notes I put here and there. If I am to find a word to describe this blog; it is a story. A humble and day to day story of His faithfulness to his little servant. Sometimes it goes as personal perspectives and or non-intellectual ramblings. So, forgive me if I have had anything inappropriate.

Glory to God for all things! For all the days he's giving. For friends and loving families! For the things waiting ahead. He is good! His mercy endures forever! Ameyn!

in that little smile

2010-12-09T15:13:00.007+07:00

One among the things which I find can make difference in our days is this: to appreciate others and honor their presence. When I look deeper into this, this is the first gate we go through if we want to pass on our love to others. Simply pause ourselves, look at their faces and feel their hearts through their eyes then we can start our ministry of presence to them, in the Lord's mercy. Yes, I admit that sometimes the thoughts, concerns and cares can be very demanding our (my) attentions. And I think it's good for us to stay focus on what we need to do as our responsibility. However, as long as it is in our power to stop the activity for a while so that we may offer help to others, it will be very beneficial.

This is very related to the attentive state of heart. We always keep watch and catch every opportunities given by the Lord in our days to glorify Him even through the least that we can do. When we are willing to be faithful in the little things, He is pleased.. and out of His love He'll entrust us to do great things. Let's have at least the desire to welcome others and to spare what we have -life, time, attention, care, belongings, money- to them in Love, and let's follow what the Lord doing in Scripture and our lives. Let's look to others in peace of heart... by gentle gaze, sincere smile and mindful listening... through small gifts, honest compliments. It's always good thing to give thanks to God for the people whom He sends us; and also to honor their presence and appreciate them ;)!

less imbalance

2010-12-06T10:06:00.002+07:00

Some strong and attached felling can be counter-productive sometimes. One among the hardest aspects of life that is hard (at least for me) to understand is about feeling and emotions. It's just as mysterious, continuous and fluid as I expect it to be. The more I discover, the more I am convinced that it's something which needs to be trained and tamed, just like our tigers. Especially I am concerned of the way of expressing some kind of strong (even impulsive) and demanding feeling. In this is the spot of self-mastery lies.

When I think of the key principle of the expression management, I find something which almost always true: that we can not control others at any point. Let them think freely, judge freely and acts freely toward us according to what comes into their hearts. We can love and influence others as long as it is in our power to do that, yet we can not make that person to keep love us and to be what we want. There could be no love if there's no freedom. The hard part for me personally is to accept that at times. It's unpleasant to hear the harsh comments, critics or rough truth about myself. And lately, I have to face it in a little bit high dose.

I keep praying to the Lord that He grants me wisdom and discernment. Lest I fall into the trap of self-pity and fail to see others and to love them. Yes, it's easy for me to fall into that trap, I will only go forth in Lord's mercy alone... Thus, this beautiful prayer I ascend before the merciful God, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

rhythm of day

2010-12-01T08:23:00.005+07:00

Another thing came to my mind is to learn to be flexible and humble to accept whatever life may bring. In my ancestor's language, a word which refers to this is 'nrimo' which simply means (v) to accept. It's especially true when I walked in the villages where the villagers simply do what they need to do sometimes without any lofty ambition but to work and eat with smiles in their face (picture: a Javanese lady nrimo). In nrimo, we are taught not to be passive and giving up, but to be so much flexible and flow like the water in the stream. Be it in the trouble and great sorrow, be it in happy moments, simply accept what is going on and do what we can do with it in peace of mind, and not with ambitions. That what makes Javanese so meek and yet sometimes unheard, unmoved.

Now, it's time for me to recognize this and come back to the rhythm of the day... being present and give the heart totally to the Lord and what He entrusts me. There is time to draw the water and there is a time to pour it out. Freely receive, freely give. Never take a hold and nrimo, because the faithful Hands of the Lord is at work!

in every moment

2010-11-30T11:29:00.004+07:00

Breath and smile. I meditate on these two simplest things that I can do in every moment and everywhere. Sometimes people and even myself ask, why do I smile and I said, "I simply smile because I enjoy the moment." Yes, I have been diving the ocean of simplicity recently. Since it is when I am becoming too sophisticate and lofty; making myself somewhat busy with many cares, worries, etc. then I started being distracted and lost. Joy and peace being in every moment because it is the Lord God which own and lead me into His good will. It is the assurance of Hope in him which make us stand firmly and surrender wholly our lives to be hidden in Him.

Something that my Dad said to me always encourage me to bear everything (or in the language that I prefer: to be peacefully present at the moment) in peace and joy, accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life.

Flow with the moment in trust and keep doing what is right -no more and no less- ... because God will certainly sustain us and be with us in every moment in life, whether it's pleasant or not. At times, it comes to me that my own limited conceptual minds which make me becomes so choosy such as, "I want it that way, and not this way" or "I wished I can be in different time and place" or "If only I was born... , etc." There are temptation to project myself into the past or too far into the future to skip the 'undesirable' reality. But what we have and what we can work out is the present. Therefore it's very important to be present and live the moment, abide in God and follow Him here and now. As the consequences, we unload and put out the unnecessary loads from the past and even from the future, simply breath and smile... waiting, see and be ready whenever the Lord ask us and we say yes. When we fail and fall, we flee to Him because He is always here and readily to raise us up! Glory to God!

unloading

2010-11-29T08:42:00.002+07:00

The wind is breezing very peacefully to my skin through the back door of my dorm. It's been very nice to have the white clouds spreading on the sky and the green leaves shaking as the wind passes through them. The nature is so simple, peaceful and honest. They simply receive what's given and give what they receive. Many times, I really need to learn from the movement and breath of the nature. Besides that, December is approaching soon so the mild wind and heavy rain could come interchangeably makes the heart becomes a little softer and sober toward the Christmas.

I am thinking of simplifying the things which have been quite scattered and reorganizing the messy things; kind of sorting out the materials which can be used immediately and the ones which can't (i.e. unnecessary ones) so that I can focus my mind on the things that's really important and needful (both physically and mentally). One thing that I notice is that I can't simply force myself into it too quickly. I need to do it very deliberately and according to the capacity otherwise it'll be quite unsuccessful. Keeping heart and mind in simplicity and as it is I hope will help to unload unnecessary cares and thoughts to focus on the Lord and his faithfulness.

when it's all about His love

2010-11-28T09:28:00.003+07:00

There was the lighting candle procession in the Sunday Chapel today as the mark of first Advent weeks; weeks of penitence, expectation, excitement and preparation of the coming of Christ. It's very good for me to attend and listen to an encouraging sermon from Dr. Miller in the beginning of this season. One thing which sticks in my mind and speaks very beautifully to my soul is that everything in my life is about His unfailing love. No matter what happened in my life, even though it's not as pleasant as my sinful thought wishes, yet it's still the best ;).

The Love of God, so rich and pure... even though I am really undeserved to receive anything good, but I know that I simply can't live without His mercy and faithfulness. His love never fails and it is in Him I must wait and stay silent. It's the unloving heart of mine, the anti-critic attitude and coldness of my soul which make me really blind and lost. Lord, have mercy! May I live in it, even though it started with a little thought that everything tells of Your Goodness and mercy, but through my little words and actions that You allow, may I always depend on Your love as long as I live. Amen!

Looking up

2010-11-28T00:45:00.002+07:00

Today we decorated our floor and room... Hm, no actually I just took very little part in it. I am not a diligent man and feeling not very good at physical works. It's been so nice to feel the nuance of Christmas and to hear and sing the Christmas songs the whole day. One of my favorite songs is "Veni, veni Emmanuel". That's very beautiful song for me during the season like this, with my friends in the dorm.

There are many things happen around me and most of them are mysterious. I really wish the simple things can make me happy and silent yet somehow I am being restless because of my own unwisdom. I am a kind of person which love to stick on something and wish that thing never change. I come to realize that it's unrealistic... so many things change and are not under my control :P. This is all in God's and He is good and He never changes. I need to constantly look up and asking for Him Who is beyond all understanding and wisdom.

The most uncomfortable moments that I need to deal with these days are the emotional storm! I feel very emotionally charged, the melancholic soul and mind helps me much to surf the up and down of the tantrum very quickly. Hmm, I am wondering and I am still hoping that I will pass through this path with the Lord in His abundant mercy so that I'll live detached with my unreliable feelings and survival instinct... It make me ashamed at times to realize that I spend most of my time and my life with myself. Well, it's just a thought and my thought is not very compatible with reality. So, I just count the days and when I see that it's not long, I know that He will work in me to do His will... Amen.

with others

2010-11-22T22:05:00.003+07:00

One among many other crucial aspects in life I think is about how we get along with other people. We are commanded to love others, everybody just like we love ourselves. There are many occasions when I think very complex and sophisticate about how we deal with others' hearts and souls. The more complicated my thought, the harder it will be to have humble heart to welcome everybody in peace. I sense this kind of relation as I observed it from day to day living with my dorm-mates. Simplicity in heart, non-judgmental attitude toward others can be really helpful to reach others in love. Yet, sometimes that's what the hardest part I must face: my own presumptuousness and perceptions.

The most difficult part for me to tame is the urge to hurry and being reactive. It's the fact that I realized that to listen often need self-discipline and constrain. Especially when the unpleasant part of me is being revealed, such as being 'lazy man', 'unskilled man', etc, I will be automatically react. I know I am still young and not experienced, may the Lord smoothen my heart to see beyond what it appears, so that the love is still being grown in my heart for His glory.

Inner peace, overlooking the mispronounces and weaknesses of others is what the Lord leading me through. I want to thank Him for everyone whom He has allowed to train me and ask His forgiveness for my failures and reactive attitude. Lord, have mercy! It's very interesting though that when I feel inadequate and flee to the Lord, He helped me with unspeakable mercy. It has taught me that I can not rely on my own efforts and power to move, it's only by His mercy and faithfulness. May the Lord bless everybody according to His wisdom and love! Ameyn!

Clinging to the Lord

2010-11-20T19:38:00.005+07:00

There is a special part of my mundane days that I think I will miss when I leave this campus. That's when I go down stair from the library to go for lunch. I don't know why, even though I have passed the same route from time to time but I can feel the difference, fresh sights which can make my mind recharged. The reason for that is because I love to meet my friends and other young people who are interacting to each other. It's just really good for me personally.

Sometimes though, I found myself in the difficult part of this young life, especially when I look into myself a bit much, being discouraged and overwhelmed. That's when the pain of loneliness and emptiness creeping unexpectedly. In those times, it's not difficult for me to escape and skip the reality. I want to jump as quick as I can to that undisturbed solitude and confinement, to kind of skip the pain and wipe the grief.

How many times should I be reminded of Beloved Christ and the Holy Cross? He Who is God-Man, suffered the most pains and unutterable miseries. Yet, how faithful and full of love He stayed still. He loved, cared and looked after his neighbors and even His enemies steadily, unconditionally and undisturbed. Yes, most astoundingly, even He spoke peace and forgiveness even when His pure Hands were pierced with nails on the cross. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You! Christian life will only made possible when we abide in Him and He is in us, since out of Him we can do nothing.

It's like in the harsh wilderness of fallen world, when the vipers of pain and despair bit us, we need to look upon Him and be alive. Let every single sigh and each drop of tears from this weary soul be the fountain of repentance and myrrh gushed out from our longing of True Joy! "Open your lips, O Israel that I may fill your mouth with my mercy!" How beautiful it is that He faithfully sustains His servants and desires the repentance of all. To Him we flee in every moments in life: in joy and sorrow, in health and sickness, in smile and cry.... He is Joy beyond Joy! When we trust our lives to the loving secret Hands of the Lord, then our eyes will be opened and granted vision like His: full of compassion.

My Dad who loves me so much, likes to say, "Always welcome everybody which the Lord send you with kindness and respect, Son!" It's simple and true. And it's only possible when we have that compassionate heart from the Lord! For all things that the Lord send me on my way and for His faithfulness which is beyond my thoughts and heartbeat, Glory to God! Ameyn!

Thank the Lord for the birthday!

2010-11-17T00:09:00.000+07:00

War at the exit door

2010-11-14T23:36:00.002+07:00

Among the wolves and lions
snakes kiss my legs
I stepped outside through the gate of red
above the stream of fresh water
thus I jumped into water and the fish lift me up
fish with big scales

Fall on me O bridge
tear me down till I am no more
Fish, do you have that cure
I want to drink it
and sleep long

Water in
water in
fill me till I am one with you
breath you in
breath you out

war at exit door
now I have been at the gate
with your sword, stub me O brightest hero
and throw me to the river

A world without corner

2010-11-13T22:05:00.001+07:00

The blue sky now turns into black
soft cold wind blows so ardently
I took the crumbs of my noonday breads
sat on the stone under the shadow of young tree

A night bird, faithful fellow
staring at the crumbs wanting to take some
I stretched my hands for her to reach
She nodded and landed her little feet on my palm

What do you long for, little fellow?
Moon
Moon, O man!
Do you see her?
No. I have been waiting here too
where does she go?

The tree shook up her leaves and whisper
She hides behind the thick clouds
She throws her feet and hands
fainted among the mountains and hills
She dives and sinks into oceans

Why is she making those journeys?
she should be at rest

O, little fellows
don't you know yet?
this world is spinning
it's without corner

Where then should I hide myself from the valiant storm?
I started singing
O man, if only you could fly with me or rest on my nest
there you can sing and soar

Dearest fellow, faithful fellow
since the world's without corner
I'll be still here
invisible, stay in absence
among the lilies and fragrant blossoms
until the wind blows me and I am gone

O, shade tree may I rest on your branches?
Go up here, little fellow
Then I took my staff
knock on the rock
and left

I dare not

2010-11-13T08:58:00.002+07:00

I dare not to say, when that be

mountains go to the sea

all grown to be brown

I dare not to see

when the clouds become so red

and all cried for stars

I dare not to gaze

to the blazing light of the sun

burns everything in a glimpse

torturing the land with drought and famine

I dare not to laugh

to the roaring sea, waves on the shore

I just want to smile and smile

Bring me down

bring me down

only the best

2010-11-11T11:21:00.004+07:00

One among my hobbies related to the internet world is to learn languages online. I have been learning Russian for several months, and when you ask me how much I have learned, well, I can say not very much :D. I prefer to know people (i.e. my online teachers), talk to them and getting to know their lives as long as they allow me to know rather than just to know the languages. Thus my progress is not very vast but I really enjoy the process of communicating and interacting with people from far away countries. Is it a waste of time? Hm, the answer can be yes and no. I believe that it can never be a waste when there is friendship, love and genuine share of lives. And it can never be a waste when it's done timely, knows when and where to say enough; being moderate. Yet, I realize that in certain sense it can't replace the personal, face to face interactions and communication.. Obviously, it can be time killing when it's done without consideration and too much. One keyword: self-control.

I am glad to learn many good things from my friends, especially those friends who stay calm, undisturbed and knows how to say enough. There are many things in this world being offered to us to satisfy, entertain and escape us from the true reality. Thus, even for my self, those offers can form certain imaginations, wants and desire for gratifications which can be a trap and make us captive.

One thing that I learn: Be careful of my wants... Why? Because I am being deceived, by my own weaknesses, fallen-ness and partiality. My judgement and wisdom is so limited. And once again I am convinced that it is the words of God which shows us the way, so pure and genuine. It shows us the true reality of our world --and how to deal with it, even further with ourselves, with others and most important with Him. It is in His great mercy that He taught us to pray, "Thy will be done..." since He is the Ever-Good God who desires life and what is good for us in His love. Yet, even His Goodness is mystery for us, we need humility and wisdom from above to recognize and understand it.

Nothing more precious and genuine than our desire to be with- and for God! The more we grow in love toward Him, the more we are being detached with worldly and fleshly desires.

In and for Your Love, O Lord we shall rest
since from there our hearts You created
Now our eyes are blur
the wind is strong
we admire the beauty of mirage

In and for Your Love, O Lord we shall rest
for You love us, you call our souls precious
But, let us be reminded..
Lest we sell our lives for money, the cheapest of all
Lest we abandon our lives to the hollow praises
Lest we soak ourselves in blood, filthy and gimmick

But resting in You,
listening to Your saving and gentle Voice
we march in lowliness
shattering our lives, our hearts to be given to all
until we find rest in You and for You!

Keep moving

2010-11-10T11:09:00.006+07:00

Thinking and pondering sometimes can help me and may be some of us to refine our thoughts and decisions. However, at other time it can be a labyrinth for me especially when I am thinking harder than I should or being captivated with worries and anxieties which is in fact unreal and deceptive. I remember once my gentle teacher said to me, "Abandon yourself to Christ.." and now I find that he's saying such a great truth to me.

I have to admit that in many occassions, I will start using my limited logic to deal with the circumstances, trying so hard to figure it out, and then having an uneasy emotional storm. One thing which I realize it that I need to cast out my fear and anxiety to Him who knows perfectly. I need to admit it before the Lord and trust Him in everything. It is for me to ask His mercy and joy to accept all things wheter it's 'pleasant' or 'not pleasant' with the same joy and acceptance and gratitude. It will be a long process to go through, but with the Lord, how can I doubt?

What I need to do is to keep moving... one step at one time... While begging for the Lord's mercy and strength, it is for me to 'come and see' the goodness of the Lord in everything I need to do for the moment; to keep love and do what is true as He commands. There is no joy can compare to the joy of His presence, when He comes closer to us and we come closer to Him. Glory to God!

He knows perfectly

2010-11-01T15:55:00.005+07:00

After being hiatus for some moments to do my works, it's time to be here again to share my reflections and thoughts and yes, my life- with my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ and with everybody out there who also lives under His dominion. It's been a time which is good to be grateful for. Most of the works entrusted to me has been done well with the strength from the Lord and it's been really a training for me to grow, especially in the emotional field relating with my life with those whom the Lord send to be in my life.

Most of my responsibility comes from the scholarship program that's been offered for me to study in this university. It's very great program as long as I follow this, yet I can say that it's not very easy, full of load and sometimes can be exhausting: very crowded schedules, requirements, mandatory, etc. But realizing that nothing can come to my life without the Lord allows it, I am always reminded to praise and to glorify Him who has given so much grace in everything He entrust His servant to be and to do.

I've been back to my campus and now it's time to back to my university seat :D. Honestly, it's really a field for me to be grown and to be formed by the faithful hands of the Lord. Just like a little plant in the field, exposed to the heat of the sun, the droplets and streams of water, etc; so am I shaped and faced with some challenges and opportunities. It is always in my mind to pray, "Lord, may Your goodness alone be real in every single moment of Thy servant live... Might Thou also transform me, and grant those around Thy servant peace. Sustain them with Thy love and mercy, especially when I am fallen and being the stumbling block. Lord have mercy!"

How easy it is for me to be tempted with easier life, more comfortable place and time; seeking for pleasure and entertainment in my naive mind. That's why it's not rare for me to be attacked with uneasy feeling and being down severely. It's only because of God's goodness which is beyond measure and understanding that I am survived and raised up again. This is what I have been learning so far, that it's unwise to keep demanding for external change, i.e. to be in another place, time, with other people, being in any other circumstances but forget to pray, "Change my heart, O God... Grant Thy servant peace!"

The Lord is so faithful and merciful. He is in control of everything runs under His Love, however strong the wrong, the mishaps as we feel it is. He's doing what is good, beautiful and perfect among us and with us. In trusting the Lord and in asking the Lord, "Thy will be done", it's simply more than words--, it's about living and being in Christ Himself and in His amazing love day by day....

Hiatus

2010-09-22T14:29:00.002+07:00

Dear beloved friends, brothers and sisters in the Lord

It's very likely that I won't be able to continue my blogging until unknown period of time due to the some works. I will be missing you all, but I keep you all in my prayers. If the Lord grant me another days to live and write, I'll be glad to be here in blogosphere. But if that's not the case, please pray for me before the merciful Lord! Thanks very much for your faithfulness and patience. Now you can return to your good works and blessed silence with the Holy Scriptures!

Christ is with us!

Yudhie

Gratitude

2010-09-01T14:00:00.003+07:00

I love the idea of making certain 'raw materials' from the nature into some useful shapes and goods. Cooking would be the first in my list. Even though I don't really know many receipts of foods, but I really enjoy of making the separated ingredients into one delicious menu. When I was a child I also loved the art of clay, especially when the heavy tropical rain made lots of mud in my house, I was so glad to making 'sculptures' of chicken, candles and etc.

When I think of this, I realize that many times what provided along our way are like various ingredients of delicious menu. What I receive now are something still under constructions. I have to admit that it's not rare for me to assume that my friends when they interact me are already ready. When I got the mentor for example, I assumed that my mentor must be like this and that, first it sounds like an expectation, but later it became a kind of preoccupations of 'what?? he should ...." or "she should..." and "they should...". But if it's ignored, the disappointments and dissatisfaction can be great challenge in the latter days for love to grow.

This reminds me to the some lines of a beautiful morning prayer I really love, "Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul, and with firm conviction that your [Lord's] will governs all".
How beautiful it is to have a gentle and opened heart, to welcome and to respect everybody. When we give up our own measurements i.e. preoccupations, judgments... toward others, we will be able to welcome them in love. We trust that love from the Lord which is in us can transform both ourselves and also those who are with us. Yes and it can be a long and slow process, but love is victorious. May the Lord grant us wisdom to receive joyfully what He provides in our way; a courage to act in love and sobriety and to keep our hearts toward Him, the source of our True Joy!

Lord, thank You for everything You sent me today and always! Let me not grumble but joyfully accept it and let me be your vessel to transform whatever comes in Your Faithfulness. For Your will is always the best and all things declare Your Glory, both now and ever and unto the ages of ages! Ameyn!

Back to simplicity

2010-08-31T15:55:00.002+07:00

To live life as it is. That has been a motto which colored my life so far. Whenever I started to dreaming so lofty and high, I quickly remind myself that it is enough and everything that God has given me has been so abundant. Some of the signs that I am being neglectful are that I start being touchy, grumbling and complaining about many things. The problem is often not in those external things beyond my control, but here inside, in the state of the heart.

This is what I constantly ask the Lord, to grant me His mercy so that I realize to see my lowly state and to slowly mold my hardened heart, a heart which is blinded by fear, gluttony and ignorance.

Vanity can be a great stumbling block in the spiritual maturity. But one thing which I remember from what the Holy Fathers said, 'always take the lowest place...' and 'joyfully receive everything the Lord sent'. Lord, have mercy!
This has been my pitfall, a desire to be seen as good and important, even though in reality I am not what is more by my own strength. It's always tempting to be the brightest star of all, the highest one, to be the best. But I am what God said I am and that's all, may it be my gladness.

To live life as it is, not to see and compare it with others... But to live it as He Who gives the Life wants me to live. Lord, have mercy! Keep my heart O Lord and help me, when I think I am worthy enough to receive Your mercy; when I think I have rights to choose and to have, when I think that this universe is for me... Remind me that all is Yours and for Your glory!

What dream, a high dream
meaningless, meaningless
wants and desires
thirst and hunger
the higher the dream, the more lacking
all I want is to be with You, my Lord
but how unworthy your servant is
so place me wherever Your love desires
and for me to be happy in the lowest place
Ameyn!

Being Watchful

2010-08-25T15:06:00.004+07:00

My Mathematics teacher once told me to keep doing the exercises after I got his explanations both in the classroom and at home. By getting familiar with the variations of the questions and problems, a student than might be able to master the topic well. With diligence and eagerness in practicing, the student will have a clear picture when they are given the exam questions to do. One of the factors which I observe involved in this process is the anticipation of the student. The student is able to anticipate various pitfalls and variations in the problems, even when it's in high level.

When I reflect on this, I can see that it's absolutely important to be mindful and attentive toward the Lord in this life. Only in Him and His commandments is the true light found to face many pitfalls in our days. Just like a student who learns and patiently gives attention to what he's doing and discerns the knowledge, he thus will be able to anticipate the pitfalls and various forms of obstacles in the problems. Being watchful is an important part of this attentiveness.

"Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong..." 1 Cor. 16:15.

It's very important for us to have our days being filled with the truth from the Holy Scriptures, not partly, let it be in the Lord's mercy, wholly both in mind and mouth and heart. For it is out of his heart man brings forth the treasures of actions, so let our heart being vessel of Lord's grace, a living scroll.

I personally find that morning is such a beautiful moment to be silent and receiving blessings from the Holy Scriptures. Yet, honestly when I had hurried morning, it would be hard to have that beautiful moment, yet the alternative is to read an excellent blog consisting the Scripture reading from Abbot Tryphon, "The Morning Offering", which you may also click on this blog's side bar.

At some cases, the rest of the day could be great as well. Just like my beloved Dad used to say, "just catch the moment and be attentive." It would be very great for us to taste how sweet and refreshing the words of God are for our souls. I really pray that we can have such blessing from the Lord to listen and live the Holy commandments because He is our God!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

For the Love's sake

2010-08-24T12:01:00.002+07:00

I really need to learn more and more to endure and be patient. Thank the Lord for the opportunity to see my own failures and mistakes to learn. Deep in my heart I ask the Lord to grant me peace and patience to endure all things which He allows to happen. But practically, I am still learning very poorly. Lord, have mercy!

In life, the circumstances may change and at times it changes very rapidly. The clouds and the stars appear and disappear from our sight. I really pray to God to grant me patience and humility to face everyday and may His name be glorified forever! I want to sing His praises and be with Him both in the brightest morning when the birds chant and in the darkest stormy night when the thunders hitting the trees.

Lord, let it be.... For You yourself had endured so many things and suffered for us in Love. Grant me also O Lord to leave my comfort and childish likes and dislikes, to be moderate in walking in this dessert, to look and greet all those whom You sent in peace! Your mercy and faithfulness, your staff and rod, they comforted me!

Yahweh is my shepherd.
I lack nothing.

In meadows of green grass he lets me lie.
To the waters of repose he leads me;
there he revives my soul.

He guides me by paths of virtue
for the sake of his name.

Though I pass through a gloomy valley,
I fear no harm;
beside me your rod and your staff
are there, to hearten me.

You prepare a table before me
under the eyes of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil,
my cup brims over.

Ah, how goodness and kindness pursue me,
every day of my life;
my home, the house of Yahweh,
as long as I live!

Psalm 23 -Jerusalem Bible

He is faithful...

2010-08-23T14:45:00.003+07:00

I am very grateful today since once again I am refreshed and reminded that The Lord knows very well how to comfort His servants. Yes, even though I am an unworthy servant of His but His Love and Faithfulness are beyond what I can describe.
I had a rough time recently, being busy, tired and then got a severe anxiety. It's like I want to take control immediately of the things I am dealing with so that I could simply enjoy the moment. Yet the more I tried to do so, the further joy and peace flew from my heart. When I think I must change the external circumstances to be happy, when I want to be satisfied immediately with attentions and the service of others it means I have been side-tracked by my self-centeredness. Lord, have mercy! How easy it is for me to be trapped in the midst of the mirage of worldly cares! One thing is needful that is to listen to the Lord very faithfully and keep our minds and hearts in remembrance of Him.

Whenever the works and all the emotional traits demand from us more than it should be, it's time to pull ourselves out and attend to the most needful thing for us: the remembrance of the Lord. I'd been really tempted to deal with many cares which actually not only non-beneficial but also harmful to my soul. The Lord is always faithful and patient.

He knows exactly how timid and distractive I am, yet in His mercy He reach out His hands for me to grab. He is a Father who is very easy to be pleased but really hard to be satisfied, since He wants everyone of us be perfect like He is. It's always great to remember to lay our cares and even the very we are unto Him and He will give us His yoke which is light and brings unspeakable peace. He is gentle and humble in heart, let's learn from Him, even trust Him in everything! His Love is pure and sincere.

Lord, May Your will be done in every moments in my life. Through all things which You send, give my heart peace and gladness to welcome them and rejoice in You. Because I live in You and I am yours, save me! For everyone who loves, rejoices, and open their hands in love, bless them. For those who dislikes, mistrust and misunderstand.. Grant them mercy! For you are the Lord of all, the Merciful Master, the Lover of Mankind both now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.

In His Faithful Hands

2010-08-07T21:28:00.005+07:00

God's mercy is abundant indeed. In his faithfulness He strengthens and refreshes us. He touches our lives to lift our minds from the mud of worries and keeping us from drowning into the sea of despair. I have to admit that it's very easy for me to look unto myself more than I should. And when I reflect on this, I know that I constantly needs His strength and mercy to heal me through whatever means He wants.

It's pleasant when our friends and those who near us think positively about us. And many times that's what I want: to be perceived as good, accountable and right. What I really need to grasp is that that's not necessarily the case in reality, it can be -at anytime- be quite the opposite. Then I remembered what my lovely friend in Christ saying this, echoing the Holy Scripture: Love is freely given. Love doesn't choke and doesn't control others... How I need to let my beloved brothers and sisters be free to interpret who I am; to honestly say what they think of me regardless its 'objective' validity. Sometimes it's not an easy thing for me to simply accept what they might think about me and there's an urge to defend "hey, would you clarify that I am like this, this, blah, blah"! Lord, have mercy!

The Lord is faithful! He is my strength and in Him my soul finds rest and peace. It is His hands which work wisely and timely in every single day of our lives to work what is good, noble and holy in us. Yes, even when something seemed for us to be bent, broken or not as what we want. He patiently works in us and sanctify us into His likeness when He allows these things to reach us. When somebody said harsh thing about us, let it be to keep us from vicious vanity. When somebody thinks badly about us, let's bring him into Lord's mercy and pray for them. When somebody unfortunately forced us to do something and tied us to please him, as long as it's not against God, let's do it joyfully to make our body and soul be humble and pleasing unto God. When being cursed, let's fill our heart and mind with blessings. The Lord knows everything and He is merciful... lest these things which come to us to sanctify us be a stumbling block for us to rejoice in the Lord... And being in this circumstance, we'll see clearer, Who is our Master.

We are what God said we are... and that's what I trust, and always remember that we are Christ's. When we see Christ constantly and make Him our only Joy, we will have great shalom to participate in the Life and Love of Most Holy Trinity and all the saints, in His mercy we'll have the courage to embrace and love our neighbors, overlooking others' weaknesses and hatred... Our life is hidden with Christ in God. So, let's welcome everything which come to us in peace and joy, trusting that the Lord is faithful and His Spirit will guide us in wisdom and make us more Christ-like. Glory to Thee O God! Glory to Thee!

workshop of holiness

2010-07-15T12:31:00.003+07:00

It has been a great experience for me to be together with my friends during this practicum in Kalimantan Island. I and three of my friends Jonshon, Bambang and Rudy will be here, in Pontianak to do the field experience during these 3 or so months. So far we had very exciting days! It is always good for brethren to be together in peaceful manner. We are Christians, and it is great to share and talk to each other heart’s about our real lives and struggles in living our faith in Christ. We had great time to share our concerns and all that happen to us to purify them and offer them back to the Lord.

After hearing a few things being shared after the reading of Holy Scriptures in our room, I heartily concluded that our joy is not depend on the favorable circumstances, but depend on Christ who fill our hearts. We will face a quite busy and tiring days for sure during these months, but our good relationship and brotherhood is such precious refresher of strength. And I keep praying that the Lord grant us love, patience and humility so that the enemy would not defeat our friendship. Let it be that the will of God to show love to each other being evident in us to glorify His name.

Truly every relationships and circumstances which God allows to be in our lives are aimed to sanctify us and make us humble to be filled with his love. We need to have courage to strengthen each other, to bear each other and help each other in a so very real manner in this group of four for me specially. Thank God for this opportunity to train my patience and forbearance. I reflect how needful it is to look on our own sinfulness rather than that of others. It is excellent to overlook the weaknesses of others, to pray for them. Never hold back, don’t take offense. Leave it right away.

It is for us to look at others and forget ourselves. I continually praise the Lord for this opportunity, for this time and everything which He has prepared and provides. I am so thankful for friends and lovely Dad ;)! Lord, to be nearer to Thee and following Thee is my greatest joy! Remember, O Lord in Thy kindness those you have sent, preserve them, bless them and grant them eternal life. Ameyn!

Trust and obey

2010-07-08T21:58:00.003+07:00

This evening, after the rain stopped, I reflected a little bit in my silence feeling the fresh air and silence which is always good for the mind and heart. Still quite often, I find a rather funny thing in me: to know that something true and worthy sometimes is just the beginning to the next path of willingness to live it out and even to willing to die for this truth. Last night as I read the book of Esther, I found for the first time this line speaks very poignantly, "Go and assemble all the Jews now in Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink day or night for three days. For my part, I and maids will keep the same fast, after which I shall go to the king in spite of the law; and if I perish, I perish!" This was said by Esther in obedience to her uncle's instruction to face the plan of the extermination of Israelites by Haman; and therefore also an act of obedience to God.

In the journey of faith and of our discipleship in Christ our Lord, we will face many circumstances which really need and shape our obedience. And it has been always true when we read the Holy Scripture, both in Old Testament and in The Church, both as it is written in the New Testament or in the opened letters, the faithful Christians. Our holy father Abraham who followed both faithfully and obediently Lord's calling and commands to go from his father land. Holy prophet Moses also had many cases where obedience is the issue. The suffering righteous Joseph, Holy prophets Jeremiah, Hosea, Jonah, and those beloved Prophets of the Lord were the warrior in obedience to God's Holy commands to go and to call the God's people to repentance. It is noteworthy to reflect how obedience is a perfect synergy of faith, humility, courage and love. We may see it in the persons of St. John the Forerunner, Holy Apostles Paul, St. Peter, all the Apostles, Saints and Martyrs of Christ! Obedience helps us to understand the spiritual truth not only in our minds but more than that, also in our hearts and souls. And by that we live out our lives in love with all our strengths. Obedience is (I love this saying from my beloved brother and friend in Christ) when we listen attentively to Him, and we fix our eyes on Him, seeing what He is doing in us and in Holy Scriptures and we follow His steps, always say yes to Him whatever the cost.

It reminds me to what Fr. Alex told me (as far as I remember) during my stay with him last December, "Nanda (son), now as you live in the Holy Church, Be it a joy for you to know and learn the faith. Not only by reading or gathering information, more than that, to live it out faithfully. Yes, even though when you know very little, observe it in gladness and patience to please our Lord..." And for a beginner like myself, prayer rule and fasting are very good teachers of obedience! Especially fasting, it is like muscle training for our hearts to be softened, sharpened and humbled.

And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it (Mat 7:27).

In the real life in general there is not 'shortcut' for us who want to be obedient. In saying "Thy Will be done", we welcome the Lord's Love and make a home for Him in our hearts. It leads us to crucifying our old flesh and letting Him to peel off the mask, the dust which corrupt our genuineness and it is Him who make us perfect; to be changed like Him. And sure, we will find ourselves in a battle of temptations. Just follow and abide in Him, because He is a good shepherd. His rod and his staff are there to hearten us! The Evil one will try his best to drag us from this healing Love, by intimidating us and creating various discontentment for us to look at, and therefore by such things our gaze will be altered away from our Most Holy God just like what happened to our ancestor Adam. But the truth is, he is a liar! He tried to make us agree with him, and then we start feeling the fear, worry, mistrust, hunger and even bitterness toward Holy commandments. It is for us to trust Him and His love, to listen and to follow Him, to confess to Him-- shortly to abide in Him! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Love is action

2010-07-07T22:17:00.002+07:00

Even a word can make a difference; even a word can articulate love, respect and yes, maybe even hatred. Some times what is spoken, unfortunately can't be withdrawn, it's still there when the impact has been altered. What do you speak today? Anything you say wisely and soberly in respect, in love to others or in pursuing your sole intentions. How do you speak it? Is it with bitterness of mind, with carelessness which causes pain or with abundant peace and kindness? Is the joy reflected in it? But among all, is it spoken in sincerity and clean heart, with no other ultimate purpose in that but to rise up as incense for the glory of the Lord. Sweet words, it is sweet, yet it will be genuinely sweet, refreshing and strengthening just like His Word when love is present in it and it will stay to the depth of soul. Might it be a greeting, might it be a hello, a consolation, a light humor and smile-laughter, confessions, cheers or sorrows: only love gives meaning and touches hearts and lives.

Even the slightest thought could make a difference. Are we welcoming those whom the Lord sent in hospitality, care and servant-hood or are they just a bother? Are we receiving them in peace and we wash their feet --no matter who they are, and inviting them to Home; or are they a stumbling block which makes our day bad and regrettable? Today among those you live and move do you seek peace, holiness, the Kingdom and the righteousness? Are the world and its cares driving you away from the very center and the most important thing in life that is to love The Lord God with all your hearts and minds and strengths? Proverbs said, "give me, son, your heart" (Proverbs 23:26), only to the Lord God our heart should cleave completely.
Even the smallest act could make a difference. A gentle and attentive answer even to the most irrelevant man would never be worthless and gladsome to the hearts that listen to it. A little gift of smile, tears, sincere reach and presence could be a great cure for the weary hearts. Love heals. It is such a pure joy for she who sings in front of us, even though not the best song we can hear but we sincerely listen and give her an encouraging feedback. It is such a pure joy for a burdened friend to know that we care and want to help. It is such a joy for a friend who is tired from toils and we give him a tiny fresh water of friendship and companion. What a relieve it is for a stranger to know that he is not alone and that someone willing to offer him a help. What price can it replace when he who is dying from hunger and thirst but somebody comes and give him or her heart and life to be eaten? A cheerful giver is much more precious than the gifts he can give, however much it is. The joy of giving it can 'turn the water into wine' of love which is born from the act of compassion.

Love is action. Prayer is action. Even the least acts, a single word, a slight thought can be the means of love and there are plenty of the opportunities in our day! Lord, grant us attentive hearts to listen, to care and to take heed of Thy Holy Will! Lord, have mercy!

The Framework

2010-07-06T18:55:00.010+07:00

These days and what happened in them has made me think and contemplate on a really serious matter in life. That is how we live (both consciously and unconsciously) our lives in term of relation with others. Yes, I am familiar with the sacred commandment to love others as myself. But how miserable it is when I look back and reflect on what have I done and have I been doing. Lord, have mercy! I don’t have love from my own, but am too busy with my own fears, cares and dreams.

I remember someone said that the state of one’s heart is evident in the way he thinks, speaks and acts. The Lord Himself said, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man”. (St. Mat 15:18). Since starting from there-the heart- is where we work out our energies and operate our stewardship. And for me, what I can see is my own fearfulness. I have such a fearful heart. Many times I find that I am very preoccupied with threats. I assume that the world around me is threatening, and my heart couldn’t be still. This is especially true in the case when I meet the new situations and people. Inaudibly, I can be so touchy and self-centered. In many situations, it’s just need to switch one “Click!” and instinctively the ‘defense mechanism’ turns on. When and where then the love and care for others so long as I am so deceived and occupied? Lord, have mercy!

In His faithfulness and mercy, the Lord reminds me through His beloved friend, that it is for us to look at others and forget ourselves (to care and love others). We trust in Him who is the Lover of Mankind. Exactly in this part is my vulnerable part. I used to do anything to protect my comfort zone or territory. It is not that easy to meld my hardened and mistrusting heart to simply trust my friends and yes even my enemies to do whatever to me as the Lord allows. At least as long as I use my old frame of “let me try to be so-so” with my own will power, then I am deceiving myself. Let’s say I were to be judged as Christ was, I would flattered many words to protect myself from any harm. This word is really speaking to me:

“... but letting others treat us badly, say bad things about us, make us do what is unpleasant or unfair, and to not try to defend oneself (that is humility)”

Lord, Only Thee, Only Thee hath the power and Love to transform and soften my heart. It’s only by Your Grace, my part is to say Yes to Thy Holy Will and follow Thee in obedience. Lord, nail me; nail me with Your Love to be as Thou wilt me to be. In every sighs and tears O Lord may Thy mercy sufficient to comfort me and let me throw myself under Thy Holy Feet! But help me O Lord in all things to take heeds to Your Holy commandments and to live it and to do it as weak as I am in Thy mercy. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me! May Thy Words becomes the Light unto my feet. My it be my framework in Life. To see Thee, O Lord, to follow Thee is the greatest joy of all. Change my heart O God! Let this cruel sinner be your faithful servant, by Thy mercy! Ameyn!

A Homily by St. Nikolai Velimirovich

2010-07-05T20:12:00.000+07:00

About how the slothful man excuses himself

"The slothful man says: A lion is outside; in the streets I might be slain!" (Proverbs 22:13).

In order to justify his slothfulness, the slothful man emphasizes the difficulties and obstacles of a certain task and magnifies them beyond measure. If a man annoys him, he will say that the entire village annoys him; if the leaves rustle, he will justify that he is unable to go to work because of a storm; if a rabbit is in front of his house, he will say it is a lion! He says this in order not to leave the house and to delay his work.

Slothfulness is completely contrary to the nature of man. The nature of man is activity; the nature of man seeks to be occupied, to work and to build. Slothfulness is the sure sign of a distortion of the nature of man. That slothfulness is a terrible vice is clear in that an active man is never envious of the slothful man, while the slothful man is envious of the active man; in the same manner a sober man is not envious of the drunk, while the drunk is envious of the sober man.

O Lord, ever-active Creator, save us from the dull and sinful slothfulness by which we distance ourselves from our primordial nature [created] from Your image and likeness, Master of all things! Inspire us, with Your Holy Spirit, all-compassionate and joy-creating.

To You be glory and thanks always. Amen.

Quoted from: http://www.stgeorgehermitage.org/prologue.php

goes beyond words

2010-07-02T12:09:00.010+07:00

I find recently that my casual way of communicating using my second language, Bahasa Indonesia (my mother tongue is Javanese) is somehow a little bit difficult for me. At times, my tongue was twisted and even using some broken grammar when talking with my friends :D. Like yesterday when I was going to the Food Junction to take my lunch. It's funny when I realized that I spoke sometimes irrelevantly and with a little bit chaotic grammar. I wondered, how could it be when I become a teacher one day. I hope my students will understand yet. Lord, have mercy!

As I pondered that event, there was one little thing came up to my mind. It is about the universal language. Here in Indonesia, there are many occasions in which I have to deal with people from many local ethnics. Each has their own dialects and ways of speaking. When I remember those times, it reminds me that it is not the exactness of the words or dialect which makes us really communicate. It is the 'who' and 'how' seems to be more determining. I don't deny the importance of exact words though, but in the deeper and even deepest sense, it is love which speaks clearer anytime.

Very interesting it is to notice that even two people who don't really understand each other's language are still being able to communicate. It is the act which comes out of willingness to reach, to understand and to care other persons helps the persons to touch each others and achieve the mutual understanding. It is in that one mind and heart that the persons begin to feel belong and then learn the 'what'. And it is true then what St. James admonished us, "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters!* Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger". (James 1:19)

Thus I learn that it is not only the beauty of the words-- and not only the 'what' that we think or we speak and we try to give others will be planted in our beloved minds and really matters, but how much love that we bring with the words, the smile, the nods, the reach, the touch, the sighs, the enthusiasm, the sincerity, the cares, etc which will speaks so undeniably to their being. Yet, even when they despise it all for any reason, it is precious in the eyes of The Lover of mankind.

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

An elder said...

2010-06-28T21:09:00.003+07:00

O blessed soul, listen to this. Nothing you can say about prayer is enough. Because prayer never ends,... It is a discussion with God. I cannot tell you what a person feels while praying. One thing must be made known, and that is that the soul of the faithful one needs to pray endlessly. When the doxology ends, supplication begins. When supplication ends, requests begin. And then one starts all over again. When one prays he also remembers his wondering brother and prays daily to God for his illumination and that he may be blessed to find his way to salvation.

***

Archimandrite Ioannikos, An Athonite Gerontikon, p.350

not too much, nor too little

2010-06-22T22:16:00.017+07:00

Looking at the cloudy day, and feeling the rising of the temperature today makes me expect the the delayed rain. It can be very exhausting actually especially in the mid-day. I stared out the window and I realize that many of my friends are going somewhere, to their hometowns. Yet it's still the first week of the semester break so praise God that I am still enthusiastic for what will come next!
Recently many things the Lord has allowed to happen and that makes me very glad. Yet, it is always in my mind to love the ordinariness of anything. I am not really sure if I am using a correct word for this. It reminds me of what my best friend said, "Be moderate, brother and don't loose your temper". A very wise instruction it is.
It's always gladsome to experience such exciting moments, those events which triggers our strong emotional responses. And as a youth, I find myself in kind of attraction to anything 'different', sensational or unusual. It might be called a uniqueness, but can also move beyond that, something really extraordinary. And I believe that everybody has this kind of uniqueness, they're awesome. Just like medicine, this might be good to refresh our minds to try or experience something new, but once it gets too much or if it happens to be too little, that can be harmful. These extremes can bring us into state of severe boredom because of its too high predictability or impulsive addiction, craving for the emotional sensations. In short, this makes me convinced that moderation is precious!

The Lord is very awesome because He gives us what we need very wisely and timely. Everything has its own time. A Time to weep, a time to smile. A time to walk among crowds and a time to be alone. A time to listen, a time to speak a few words. A time to labor, a time to rest. "Because it is the will of God Himself that all His faithful servants rejoice in good and grieve at sin." All is sufficient and 'moderate'!

Lord, Your Love always makes me amazed! Glory to Thee O Lord, for all things! Ameyn!

Gaze at You...

2010-06-21T19:26:00.004+07:00

My elders taught me, when I was a youth, to cling to heaven and earth, lest I stumble. For a long time I remained a child, and for a long time I used to lean on the crutch that they gave me.

But once eternity flooded through me and I felt like a stranger in the world, heaven and earth snapped in two in my hands like a frail reed.

O Lord, my strength, how frail are heaven and earth! They look like palaces built of lead, but they evaporate like water in the palm of the hand in Your presence. Only by their bristling do they conceal their frailty, and frighten uneducated children.

Get out of my sight, suns and stars. Sunder yourselves from the earth. Do not entice me, women and friends. What help can I receive from you, who are helplessly growing old and sinking into the grave?

All your gifts are an apple with a worm in its core. All your potions have passed through someone's entrails many times. Your garments are a cobweb that my nakedness mocks. Your smiles are a proclamation of sorrow, in which your feebleness is screaming to mine for help.

O Lord, my strength, how feeble heaven and earth are! And all the evil that men do under heaven is an admission of feebleness and—infirmity.

Only someone strong dares to do good. Only someone who is nourished and watered with You, my strength, is filled with strength for goodness.

Only someone who sleeps in Your heart knows rest. Only someone who plows before Your feet will enjoy the fruit of his labors.

My childhood, nourished with fear and ignorance, came to an end; and my hope in heaven and earth vanished.

Now I only gaze at You and cling to Your gaze in return, O my cradle and my resurrection.

St. Nikolai Velimirovich, Prayers by the Lake:IV
c.f. FOCUS UNSW blog

morning walk

2010-06-18T11:42:00.004+07:00

Our dorm is very busy recently, while we are in the time just before the semester break. The time is ticking so fast and it's like being in a hurry. I have just finished my intensive class of Statistics and some other activities, really only because of Lord's kindness that I might pass through them. There's no any other beautiful day but being with Faithful and Great Lord!

I take this special time to stop by here. I have not posted anything for a long time in this clumsy blog! But one song which I always chant here in my heart, The Lord is very faithful and merciful.

On the morning as I walked and looking at the green park, my youth friends with their energies, smiles and enthusiasm, I pondered in my heart. How the Lord loves us greatly. Sometimes in my ignorance I tend to think that it is what I do or what I have which matters. But the more I walk behind Him; I realize that his love is pure and unconditional. If all that's with me and all I 'have' are gone, what am I? My identity is not on those things, but hidden in Christ. Outside Him I can do nothing. It's in Him we move, we live and we have our being.

Life is pure gift from God. And He alone knows perfectly of who we are in Him. Yet it is my weakness which makes me think that I am this or that, and many times my life is not what I think. Lord, help me in all times to rely upon Your Holy Will, to act wisely and firmly without embarrassing and embittering others, those whom You love. You have shown us the Light, and our hearts can't stop to seek to be in Your Light. You have led us into Your Truth and our hearts are thirsty and hungry for Your righteousness. Being in You, my heart finds rest, and let it be so unto eternity. How gladsome it is that this life is not about me or what I can do or what I have, but that this life is about You and Your mighty love! Blessed be Your Holy Name, O Lord! Ameyn.

Holy is God!

2010-06-08T20:00:00.000+07:00

The Lord reigns
He is mighty and wondrous
let all the nations and peoples
and all creation tremble
Even though I am crushed
and enemies oppressed me
The Lord reigns
His power never fails, stronger than death
Blessed be His name, now and always

The Lord reigns
let His servants rejoice
and bend their knees and hearts
beholding His glory and kissing His Holy Feet
so fragrant, so great
He shines, much brighter than sun

His greatness in Love, His greatness in Mercy
His greatness in Humility, His greatness in Gentleness
Great is the Lord!

He loves justice
and caring for the oppressed
He uplifts one and humbles the other
in each step, in each word, in each deed
Great is He and His love endures forever

His Mercy is abundant
O, Israel open your mouth that the Lord might fill with it
He remembers his covenant and be mindful of His beloved's weaknesses
He forgives and with His astonishing grace He wrapped your wounds
Set your hearts, minds, strength upon His Great Countenance,
Joyfully listen to and follow Him and abide in His commandments
Let His love heal you and purify you
because He is good!

Holy, Holy, Holy is The Lord God!

Remember the Name of the Lord

2010-05-31T23:15:00.005+07:00

This is the most thing that I remember from my mother, especially when she was very ill of her sickness. There is not other time in my past days that was more frightening and breaking my heart than to see my suffering mom laid on the bed and I was like couldn't do anything. Just saw her all the night from the edge of my bed which could be really tiresome, agonizing. I was really wish the morning quickly come and I could make a soup for her so that she could have the power to face another day, I thought in my simple mind.

My mom was very quiet to endure her sickness, even when she often being unconscious. I was just too young to understand what happened to her and I just prayed for her for strength and comfort, making soup and took care for her in my weaknesses. But this was the sweetest moment I experienced with her those time; she asked me to sing her favorite song "Ingat akan Nama Yesus" (Take the Name of Jesus with you) to comfort her. I would sing and she would become peaceful, then took her rest. O, my suffering mom, how Lord really loves you!

Take the Name of Jesus with you,
Child of sorrow and of woe,
It will joy and comfort give you;
Take it then, wherever you go

Refrain:
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.

Mom, too many days I found you silently bearing your pain, hunger and thirst in love, joy and hope! Thank you for taking care of me too for so long time and teaching me very faithfully. Yes, Mom I will take the most precious Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, wherever I go. It's not me, yet who is able to do so... Only in the Lord's mercy, only by His grace and mercy toward His unworthy servant such as me then strength I find, just as He faithfully kept you until your tent on earth was uprooted. I wished you're here with me now seeing and rejoicing for what Our Great Lord is doing! He is good and His love endures forever! Ameyn!

Happy birthday, Mom! Memory eternal!

Near Thee

2010-05-25T12:38:00.004+07:00

In the dawn I woke up because I would have the Calculus exam soon this morning. The subject is not very easy and I could be very anxious about it, especially during the exam week. My mind can be so burdened and it's the time when all the anxiety, fear and sighs came together and made me very nervous and wanted to escape. Yet, this is the reality, inevitably, I dealt with it, with Lord's mercy.

At times, I was struck by the feeling of incompetence, unworthiness, incapability, uselessness, etc. And in fact, I wonder why such feelings are still striking for me? It's been so true in me and I don't need to defense, nothing surprising at all. Yes, I am unworthy and I can't rely on my own strength and understanding, it's my part to trust the Lord and only listen what He says which always true.

I took a special time to stand before the holy icons of the Lord and His Saints, kissing them reverently and said my prayers. In my heart, I cried

"Lord, behold your incapable and feeble servant
May Thou not be ashamed of my unworthiness
Too many things I did were very poor
and I dare not to look up and see the richness of your glory

I flee unto Thee, Who art mighty and strong
and adoring Thy unconditional Love
May the heart of Thy servant be filled with the praise of Thy amazing Love
Too great and wonderful for me to utter

As I step into the fierce warfare today
I know my weakness, my feet are tremble
so easy for me to fall and be crushed

Lord, this I plea
Be Thou near me
because only in Thee my heart calm
and may Thou givest me wisdom

Near Thee, Near Thee
When Thou put me behind
let me follow Thee ardently and joyfully
When Thou put me before Thee
let me kneel and bow reverently
When Thou art in my side
give me strength and courage
to be crucified with Thee

Lord, this I plea
to be near with Thee
wherever Thou wants
and follow Thee until the end

In the golden ray of dawn
in the warmth of morning sun
in the heat of day light
in the rain and in the storm
in the darkest time
be with me, Lord and never let me alone

Glory to Thee, O God! Glory to Thee
Let me put my trust in Thee for Thou art my God!
Amen!

Rememberance of death

2010-05-21T12:14:00.004+07:00

The time of my death is a mystery, but I know for sure that I will die one day. May be today, tomorrow, or whenever it is God himself who knows. And for everything which is beyond me and beyond my understanding, I give them up all to the Lord, the owner of my life.

I keep thanking the Lord that he has given me these 21 years, since my first day on this world. In his faithfulness, it is Him who has vouchsafed me to go through a long, long way in the thorny and drought lands. Yet, in Him all those opportunities and providence He provides for His glory to be revealed. And the more I think, the more I feel that this has been too long for me to live. Yes, for me 21 years are so very long! It is in the day where the yoke which the Gracious Lord has trained me with, instead of chains, and glory to Him for all things. I have lived my life so unworthily since I was born with too many weaknesses but also strengths but my negligence in far more still.

But what can hinder His power to manifest through His humble servant? Lord, I am so unworthy but for the sake of Your mercy, keep me for I am Yours. Forgive me, Lord for the mule is smarter than me, because he may bear all things in silence, meekness and patience while me in carelessness. How I have been less than the birds in praising You in Your greatness. How ants have been much more diligent than Thy lowly servant. Only O Lord, help me! You have given me life and today You spare my life in Your Love. While waiting the day of Your coming, also while waiting for the end of my life in this earth, let all glory belongs to You! Remember O Lord, in Thy Mercy all those who have loved me so much, grant them consolation and Thy blessings when at any time I have to fall asleep, not only them, but also those who hate me and wants my end, Lord bless them!

Lord, have mercy!

Sane Michael

2010-05-20T07:42:00.005+07:00

I love this poem from brother Romanos' Blog since I saw it for the first time. Here is the complete quote which I take from here:

Talk boldly
when you gotta speak, my son.
Walk slowly
like you don’t know how to run.
Hear wholly
when you wanna hear at all.
Fear only
what you know’ll make you fall.

‘Cause there’s a lotta people out there
wanna make a man outta you
in the wrong way.
But listen to me, please,
I’m on your side,
listen to what I’m trying to say—

Be a glove on the right hand
of your father, your only father.
Let him slip you on without a hitch
like a perfect fit.
In everything he has a mind to do
you’ll have a place of honor
and satisfaction that you really
had a part in it.

Think cleanly
through each knot of tangled lore.
Drink deeply
if you wanna drink some more.
Hook freely
on to someone’s charity.
Look really
when there’s something there to see.

— Romanós

Glory to Your Love, O Lord!

2010-05-15T19:20:00.017+07:00

What should I say, what could I say
when my heart became so weary
and my flesh failed me
a sharp sword, a slippery stone
and I stumbled before the waterfall

Too many sounds
yet couldn't be heard so clearly
too many bees
around the Java apple's blossoms
when the calm, warm and dry down slope winds
breezed through the branches of the trees

Then I fainted, trying to catch breath
my tongue was stiff
and my eyes went droopy
voicelessly I moaned
as though drowning in turbulent stream

Suddenly a spotlight pierced the darkness
as though the moon shied away and the stars hid behind the clouds
a gentle hand, a strong hand reached me
"My son, my son, where are you?" as He approached
tears burst out through my downcast eyelids

"My Lord, my Lord" my heart cried spontaneously
"I am drowning, help me"
He ran and embraced me and brought me back to Him
then a noisy chamber he set
and a fat calf prepared on the table
for the prodigal and wandering child

Lord, Your Love!
How could I understand it
How strong, how mighty
How holy and how great!

Now let me put on the robe of your Love that You give
that I may rest and stay among Your servants, seeing Your glory
Your royal ring of mercy and faithfulness
be on my finger and let me rejoice and walk in the light of Your Majesty

Being with You, O my Lord, my heart rests in peace
Not the sea of sweets nor the mirage in the desert
could comfort me, only You O Lord
Not the heat of the sun nor the fiercest wind
could shake me when I am under Your Wings

Let me stay and be the least of Your servants but let me be with You
My life is Yours and I throw myself under your Holy Feet
Lord, teach me Your statutes, for You are my God!
Let my heart beats proclaim Your mercy and goodness!

Glory to Your Love! Glory to Your Unfailing Love, O Lord!

moderate

2010-05-05T21:14:00.003+07:00

It is not easy for me sometimes to explain and understand what happened with my days, and there is an easy temptation to be self-protecting. This seems to be my dominant struggle, to forget myself and to move beyond my comfort zone. This reminds me to not give thanks only for the easy and comfortable times in the days that the Lord give me, but also for very though and really difficult ones. Because it is the Lord who owns my life and everything; I am His. Lord, have mercy!

In the world which exalt the luxury and comfortability, when the success is measured by self-improvement and earthly wealth, it is for us to remember that we may live in the world but not of the world. Therefore, even in my weakness I really love the guidance and acts of ascetic life. It reminds us not to be attached to or love this world and the fake pleasures, but to be moderate and have the remembrance of our Lord, to humble our body so that our heart will learn to be humble too.

However, too many times I forgot that I am ignorant and don't know anything of myself. There are many things which happen and need no explanations, and I learn to love them. It is not to say that I shouldn't care, but to care without being tempted to satisfy all curiousness. It is better to keep silent and pray to God to help us to be obedient and have peace of mind. Glory to You, O God! Teach me Your statutes for You are my God and help me to love my neighbors as myself. Amen!

to be careful

2010-04-26T09:49:00.002+07:00

One word which I heard and struck my heart so deeply, that is to be careful. I have to admit that too often in my days, choices and decisions which I make, I make them either quickly, naive, even sometimes uncritical and can be really dangerous for me and others... in many aspects! I really need to learn and put off the immature way of thinking and put on a proper and responsible attitude of the things around me according God's commandment. This reminds me of Psalm 119:16 "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word". and what Holy Apostle Paul wrote to St. Timothy "All Scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,"

Then I think about time. It is easy for me not to be careful with how I allocate my time for the beneficial things. Prayers, assignments, work hours are very essential for me here. Yet, I sometimes still find myself online, talking with friends unnecessarily and even being idle. Lord, have mercy! Put in my heart and mind the desire and strength to my body to be wise, diligent and bear the labor, sweat and even inconvenience to do the works You entrust me.

The other things is to be careful with my own thoughts and bias. It is an alarm to me when I learned the works of some philosophers, especially Nietzsche. That reminds me when I find something very scandalizing and disappointing about whatever it might be, I should not rely or scrutinize others' faults, rather on my own weaknesses. And not to magnify the 'sin' or weaknesses of others because that will sink us into a deeper sadness and despair, but to look and focus on Christ the Lord. Trust in Him will never fail us, because even when our own beloved ones deserted us, He will always trustworthy and faithful.

To be careful in every step, to be mindful of Your bidding and to be faithful and trustworthy, O Lord may You strengthen us!

Tottered steps

2010-04-21T22:16:00.009+07:00

Someday ago, I smiled when my friend told me --while he was inviting me to take a walk to get some food, "I think this is one of the ways we can avoid boredom." "Yeah," I said, "That's a good idea... Let's see!"

From my childhood, I really prefer routines :D, rather than the adventurous road or novelty. However, sometimes when I think of that, I find that for someone else that can be really monotone or yes, boring :D. Yet, somehow, this is what my tendency is: to stay and do the things which has been set. Sometimes to try something new, I will have to deal with anxiety, nervousness and shame on me... I would prefer to avoid it as if it's a threat! Yeah, that's me. Lord, have mercy!

At times, I bowed down to the Lord to grant me courage and strength, as I struggle with this way of thinking and feeling. But, I really thank the Lord for He is so faithful and merciful. He is strong and mighty, and yes, I am lame and weak but knowing that He is my Lord, my heart trust in Him. He grants me such times, which for me it is not very comfortable and easy, but through those rich times, He has taught my hands for battle. In my weaknesses, sometimes I become impatient and self-pitying. I thought that as fast as it is possible, I wanted to be such and such... to appear confident, strong, admirable... in my own way. But what is that if not vanity and self-desire?

Lord, have mercy! Let me be weak, if it is according to Your will, and reveal Your Glory! You have given everything I need so sufficiently, even when I was so reluctant to ask for it. You are my strength, my shield and my light. In You I trust; You are my Joy. Only, Lord lest my passion swallow Your unworthy servant, lest my anxiety rob the joy and sweetness that you graciously pour out. Lest the laziness, fear and reluctance withdraw me from sincere love. Lest my tottered steps be a stumbling block for the brethren to come and adore You. Hide me O Lord, hide me under Your wing! Let your light alone, Your light alone shines so brightly in us!

It is good to remember this saying of my brother in Christ, "Seek Christ always first, and do what you see Him doing in your spirit, and accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life." A very strong reminder it is. Yes, Christ is everything! He is joy, He is life, He is light... He is the source of life.

With your blessing, O Lord, in each step and hold me fast when the storm comes
Your mercy, O Lord I beg
Let me not live for my carnal desires, my own satisfaction and pleasure
but for You, O Loving Master
shall I live,
As unworthy as I am
but grant me courage to praise You
and have Your name in my heart, in my mouth, in my mind and in my hands,
to love and care Your beloved ones, my neighbors
and fulfill Your commandments with the strength which You give!
Through the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother and of St. Theophilus of Zakyntos and of All the Saints, have mercy on us and save us. Amen

peaceful day

2010-04-15T17:30:00.003+07:00

Today rain fell in my city! I really love the nuance it brought afterward, very fresh and enlivening. The sun then appeared in glowing golden rays, permeating the window of the place where I sat. How nice it is!

Praise God, I had a very peaceful day today, yes albeit the assignments which are really demanding time and seriousness. I find that truly, they are something that I am to grateful for, because during the time like this faith and hope are given the opportunity to be exercised and lived. What a very beautiful gift from God, then.

One among other things which come to my mind was, again how great is our faithful God provides the day with whatever necessary for us to live before Him. It is true, especially in my weaknesses and insufficiency. And I think of my dorm-mates, my lecturers and those who are being around me. How many times, I don't have a loving heart toward them. It is easy to be self-preoccupied, defensive, and even uncaring. O, Lord have mercy! Grant me, O Lord your mercy to be ready and peaceful to lay aside my own excessive cares and thoughts and to stand before You in reverence and to encounter others with love, patience and kindness which comes from You, according to Your will.

Having done the Citizenship paper, I'd like to stay at dorm now, take a rest and prepare for Calculus exam tomorrow :D!

Christ is everything

2010-04-13T12:49:00.004+07:00

In the midst of the days which God allows me to live, countless times God shows His mercy and guidance each single moment. Sometimes, I even don't know how it works but I realize that it works inside out. And I am grateful to find this excellent quotations of Elder Porphyrios' sayings which I found from Father Deacon Charles' blogspot.

The love of God transforms everything; it sanctifies, amends and changes the nature of everything.

When you find Christ, you are satisfied, you desire nothing else, you find peace. You become a different person. You live everywhere, wherever Christ is. You live in the stars, in infinity, in heaven with the angels, with the saints, on earth with people, with plants, with animals, with everyone and everything. when there is love for Christ, loneliness disappears. You are peaceable, joyous, full. Neither melancholy, nor illness, nor pressure, nor anxiety, nor depression nor hell.

Source: Wounded By Love, pp 99 - 100

Your love, O Lord will I proclaim
and Your Faithfulness constantly I sing
Glory to You!

Beyond me

2010-04-11T22:16:00.002+07:00

Today, as I walked to the Food Junction, I didn't know where is it from, I felt a sweetness come into my heart. The Lord allows me to enter into silence and remember how He has loved me so, beyond what I can think and say in words. "Back to silence, innocence and simplicity... Because by then, we can stand before God in sincerity and awe." It is very good for us to be reminded of How great God is and yet is also merciful. He knows even the deepest part of ours and yet decide to constantly love us with immeasurable love! How trembling!

In this occasion, once again the Lord fill my heart with the remembrance of goodness that He has bestowed upon this His unworthy servant. Especially that in His mercy He allows me to be among His beloved ones, in His Holy Church. And in His miraculous hands He has allowed me to be here and be surrounded with the ones who love Him and loved by Him. Yes, it is true, both near and far... Including those who God has revealed to me through this blog. 'Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!' my heart acclaims when I remember His faithfulness and mercy. I always give thanks to the Lord for you, brothers and sisters in Christ in my prayers!

Your love O Lord, is so great and beyond me
beyond of what I can understand
yet, O Lord may You receive honor and praises
from this unworthy lips of mine
and that I may live in Your Love unto the ages of ages
and teach me Your love

in Your strength I trust
and I put my heart to none but You
write your statutes in my heart
for they are sweeter than honey
let the people sing and rejoice for Your majesty

Nail our flesh to the fear of You, and do not incline our hearts to words of thoughts of guile, But wound our souls with Your love, that ever looking to You, and guided by You in the light, and beholding You, the Light ineffable and ever lasting, we may offer ceaseless praise and thanksgiving to You:
To the Father who has no beginning, together with Your only-begotten Son and Your all-holy, good and life-giving Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen. (Prayer of Saint Basil the Great)

Lord, have mercy...

2010-04-05T12:46:00.008+07:00

It is good at least to realize that our joy doesn't depend on what world say and think of us. Joy is there only because the Lord has been so faithful and true, sustaining our existence from one day to another. It is still near the Holy Pascha and also still in the shadow of the Brilliant Joy for the created beings, because Christ is risen! And glory to God for His goodness letting us see and hear our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world also celebrating this Great Day, proclaiming His greatness. Alleluia!

Now, it is yet a time for me to enter into the weeks that are uneasy. From this week on, I would be dealing with some works which are sometimes exhausting. Papers, Work requirements, projects, exams, presentations... they makes me feel somewhat anxious, really anxious. I am not a knowledgeable man, and my weaknesses is here within me. How easy it is for me to be distracted, nervous and lethargic. Lord, have mercy. What for is it for me to worry if Your help is at hand? It is something beautiful that You have entrusted me to do here, but how could I become so discouraged and overwhelmed? Lord, remember my weaknesses and grant Thy unworthy servant wisdom and strength.

It is not easy when my insecure feelings and even the fear of failure draw near. It's tough. Yet, I don't depend on my own wisdom (in fact, who said that I am wise? :D), but on His! And how comforting it is when I am reminded that I don't have to do it by myself, with my own power. No. If so, I would have fallen away in the very first step, I don't have strength. But by Him and His merciful kindness I am being here now still alive and taste His sweetness. Your mercy O Lord, Your mercy I beg with sigh and tears!

Lord, how weak my heart is! Help me Lord, to submit myself in obedience to welcome everything that are sent by You. Because You want to heal me, because You love me so... even though they are hard or even bitter, yet You are my rest, my peace and my sweetness and in You I trust. Never let your servant away from Your presence because of my foolishness. I want to receive them, Lord grant me courage. Even when I fail and fall and ashamed, never leave me. Yet, O Lord who am I that I dare to ask your help... Put me O Lord wherever You want, in Your love... yes, even in the darkness and sorrow, may I be there if Your love desires... but still, in Your love I will cling and hold unto, Lord! For the sake of Thy Most Pure Mother and of all the saints, O Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and save us! Amen!

Kristus telah Bangkit! Christ is risen!

2010-04-04T09:44:00.006+07:00

Christ is risen from the dead

Trampling down death by death,

and upon those in the tombs bestowing life

"Χριστός ανέστη εκ νεκρών, θανάτω θάνατον πατήσας, και τοις εν τοις μνήμασι ζωήν χαρισάμενος"

Хрїстосъ воскресе изъ мертвыхъ,

Смертїю смерть поправъ,

И сѹщымъ во гробѣхъ

животъ даровавъ!

المسيح قام من بين الأموات

و وطئ الموت بالموت
و وهب الحياة
للذين في القبور

Hristos a înviat din morţi,

Cu moartea pre moarte călcând,

Şi celor din morminte

Viaţă dăruindu-le!

Kristus telah bangkit dari mati

dengan matinya Dia telah menginjak-injak maut

dan kepada mereka yang di kuburan

hidup dianugerahkan

Have a blessed Pascha, dear brothers and sisters in Christ!

going home

2010-03-26T15:34:00.000+07:00

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

I am going home to Sumatra island during this school holiday. I'll be back about a week later (April 06), if God grant his unworthy servant another day to live. But if not, Blessed be His Name!

Grace and peace
Yudhie

keep me awake...

2010-03-23T23:23:00.000+07:00

in the dawn...
keep me awake, O Lord
keep me awake
I want to see You
and sing to You a hymn of praise and honor

Lord, our Good Shepherd,
may You find me
because I am lost and weak
but I really long for You and Your Love
Cleanse me O Lord and grant me your mercy
to come near, closer to You

My sin is ever before me
and I am ashamed
Lord, heal me and restore me
so that I might gaze upon Your Beauty in awe
and Your faithfulness and deliverance
shall be in my heart and mouth

Lord, how great and trembling it is
to follow behind You
in the steps of Your Holy Feet
Joy! Joy! Joy!
even the way is narrow
and the thorn bushes along the side
but gazing upon Your Humility and Love,
strengthens us and comforts us

in the day light...
May your blessing be upon us
teach us and guide us with Your commandments
to walk patiently in the rocky, stony roads

Lead me in the Beautiful path among the loving brothers and sisters, Your rational flock
those through whom You also manifest Your Love
may we be united in one voice, mind and spirit
to glorify You, our Master!
and to love our neighbors

In the night...
let us rest and take shelter in You
because You are our Only Joy!

Keep me awake,
keep me awake O Lord,
that I may sing to You
in fervent Joy that comes from You!

In Your love

2010-03-19T11:54:00.005+07:00

Upon Waking up from my humble bed in this morning, I made the precious sign of the cross and invoked the Most Holy Trinity. How gracious is the Lord that He in his kindness still allow me to have another day here in the earth. I gave thanks the Lord for His benevolence and mercy second after second in my life, even in my unworthiness. This is the day that the Lord has made and Lord, in Your mercy, fill my heart and mouth with Thy praise. Lead me in every way to do and think of what is pleasing unto You... You know how weak and distracted I am, Lord may You surround Your unworthy servant with wall of Your grace.

Joy, peace You have granted

and You fill my heart and mouth with praise

Your faithfulness and kindness endure forever, O Lord

They never fail

With Your mighty arms You hold me

and I am safe in the midst of the storms

as unreliable and lame as I am

You never leave me even in a glance

Your love endures forever

Teach us O Lord

to see how may days we have

and we will be no more

that our heart be filled with Your remembrance

and seek the sweetest of all: Your kingdom and Your righteousness

that upon leaving this mortal tent

we cling unto Your light and glory

You heal us with Your patience and mercy

You speak to us in Magnificence

You sustains us with Your own blood and body

In the days of danger, Your heavenly servants surround us

in the days of misery Your Most Pure Mother delivers us

and Your beloved ones weep for us

How great is your Love

In the days when You allow us to be hungry and thirsty

let us be reminded to hunger and thirst Your righteousness

In every day, fill our heart with Love

In Your Love, may we find peace and courage

to love others as You have loved us

sweeping away all the arrogance

to greet everyone who may meet us in patience and understanding

In the day I fall,

Lord, may Your mercy be upon me

and may You help me to pass through the door of repentance

Lord, in You I hide

Your love is my refuge

And generation after generation shall proclaim:

“Taste and see that the Lord is good.” Amen.

St Silouan on Love (quoted from FOCUS UNSW's blog)

2010-03-18T15:12:00.003+07:00

The soul cannot know peace unless she prays for her enemies. The soul that has learned of God's grace to pray, feels love and compassion for every created thing, and in particular for mankind, for whom the Lord suffered on the Cross, and His soul was heavy for every one of us.

The Lord taught me to love my enemies. Without the grace of God we cannot love our enemies. Only the Holy Spirit teaches love, and then even devils arouse our pity because they have fallen from good, and lost humility in God.

I beseech you, put this to the test. When a man affronts you or brings dishonor on your head, or takes what is yours, or persecutes the Church, pray to the Lord, saying: "O Lord, we are all Thy creatures. Have pity on Thy servants and turn their hearts to repentance," and you will be aware of grace in your soul. To begin with, constrain your heart to love enemies, and the Lord, seeing your good will, will help you in all things, and experience itself will shoe you the way. But the man who thinks with malice of his enemies has not God's love within him, and does not know God.

If you will pray for your enemies, peace will come to you; but when you can love your enemies - know that a great measure of the grace of God dwells in you, though I do not say perfect grace as yet, but sufficient for salvation. Whereas if you revile your enemies, it means there is an evil spirit living in you and bringing evil thoughts into your heart, for, in the words of the Lord, out of the heart proceed evil thoughts - or good thoughts.

The good man thinks to himself in this wise: Every one who has strayed from the truth brings destruction on himself and is therefore to be pitied. But of course the man who has not learned the love of the Holy Spirit will not pray for his enemies. The man who has learned love from the Holy Spirit sorrows all his life over those who are not saved, and sheds abundant tears for the people, and the grace of God gives him strength to love his enemies.

Understand me. It is so simple. People who do not know God, or who go against Him, are to be pitied; the heart sorrows for them and the eye weeps. Both paradise and torment are clearly visible to us: We know this through the Holy Spirit. And did not the Lord Himself say, "The kingdom of God is within you"? Thus eternal life has its beginning here in this life; and it is here that we sow the seeds of eternal torment.
Where there is pride there cannot be grace, and if we lose grace we also lose both love of God and assurance in prayer. The soul is then tormented by evil thoughts and does not understand that she must humble herself and love her enemies, for there is no other way to please God.

What shall I render unto Thee, O Lord, for that Thou hast poured such great mercy on my soul? Grant, I beg Thee, that I may see my iniquities, and ever weep before Thee, for Thou art filled with love for humble souls, and dost give them the grace of the Holy Spirit.

O merciful God, forgive me. Thou seest how my soul is drawn to Thee, her Creator. Thou hast wounded my soul with Thy love, and she thirsts for Thee, and wearies without end, and day and night, insatiable, reaches toward Thee, and has no wish to look upon this world, though I do love it, but above all I love Thee, my Creator, and my soul longs after Thee.
O my Creator, why have I, Thy little creature, grieved Thee so often? Yet Thou hast not remembered my sins.

Glory be to the Lord God that He gave us His Only-begotten Son for the sake of our salvation. Glory be to the Only-begotten Son that He deigned to be born of the Most Holy Virgin, and suffered for our salvation, and gave us His Most Pure Body and Blood to eternal life, and sent His Holy Spirit on the earth.

O Lord, grant me tears to shed for myself, and for the whole universe, that the nations may know Thee and live eternally with Thee, O Lord, vouchsafe us the gift of Thy humble Holy Spirit, that we may apprehend Thy glory.

http://theodorakis.net/orthodoxquotescomplete.html

Thanks, Pandelis :)!

from one minute to the next

2010-03-16T08:51:00.002+07:00

The hot sunny day has been changed a little bit into rainy days recently. I don't know why but I always feel that every rain falls around me is special. Many times it reminds me to my life in the past. That was the time when I was a cheerful, thoughtful and calm young boy.

One among memories I have is to go to the fields with my beloved sister Susi, right after the rain was over. I was about eight or so at that time and my sister was 16. And this was our favorite thing to do: we crop the wild mushrooms from the stacks of harvested soybean trees which usually sprung up noisily after the rain. The field was not really far from our house, just one or so mile away. Together with my sister, I would be so excited to pick the mushrooms up and gather it with laughter and stories told by my nicest sister I have ever had! This was the custom of our village, to gather the food, vegetables and fruits directly from the field :D. After gathering the delicious food-to be, we went to search another favorite menu: snails. So going home we had gathered something to cook. The mushrooms would be cooked with spicy chili pepper and many spices, Indonesian way. And the snails will be processed to be a very delightful menu and I think it was not less delicious than "Feuilleté aux escargots"!

O, time... It's as though happen yesterday but actually it has been 13 years ago. I still remember how my sister tirelessly encouraged me and helped me to hope instead of so many difficulties and challenges in our days. Although after she being in university, we could hardly meet each other anymore but I always remember her smile and kindness to her only little brother...

My dear sister, happy birthday to you! One day in the Lord's time, I hope that you'll also come home to the Holy Orthodox Faith. Look, how Lord has been so faithful and kind to us. His Mighty arms faithfully vouchsafe us from one minute to the next. And for me, and let it be also for you, to worship and serve the Lord the whole day of my life. God bless you, Mbak Susi!

reflection on silence

2010-03-13T14:26:00.005+07:00

It is weekend, and praise God that it is weekend :). In this time, to stay in silence and in rest and to stay with the Master of all, would be great. It is one of the beauty that we need during our days: silence, to stay still and wait for the Lord. "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Sometimes, in a busy world, many are caught in the trap of hurried-ness and many cares, and our minds becomes overwhelmed. Either caused by our works, or even by getting too much information from the net, they may be very harmful to us if we forget when to pull ourselves out and when to stop. In that particular occasion, it'll be very easy for us to be tempted into anger, impatience and inability to have self-control. In each day, how necessary it is for us to devote a time of silence and have the remembrance of Our Beloved God.

Personally, it is very beneficial for me to have that specific time and place to lay aside the exceeding cares, stay silent and pray. However, I realize that the more important is to have the silence of the heart. The external silence is very important and helpful, yet it is not the end in itself, it must be followed by the silence of the heart. As our holy father Abba Poemen used to tell us, ”A man may seem to be silent, but if his heart is condemning others, he is babbling ceaselessly. But there may be another who talks from morning till night and yet he is truly silent, that is, he says nothing that is not profitable.”

Thus, it is good in every time to pause ourself and to refrain from grumbling, judging and losing our temper. And in any occasion it is wonderful to whisper the Holy Name of the Lord, to trust in Him who guides us and even grants us the silence and pure mind... and not be frustrated with trying what we think is pleasing to Him and being upset. Rather, it is to acknowledge our (my) insufficiency even to have silence, and thus to let Him work within us, cleansing us and transforming us from inside out. What can we do outside of God's blessing? Even to say a single prayer, to live out our faith and especially to overcome temptation, the first and ultimate thing we need is... God's mercy! As St. Benedict of Nursia says, "We must therefore beg the Lord with many sighs, striking our hearts as well as our breasts, never to leave us His servants without His help…by the protection of His assistance, to surround us with the wall of His grace and by His defense ward off the incursion … " (Orthodox Life Tips)

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

morning song

2010-03-09T13:29:00.012+07:00

A new day shines, and joy goes with the sun

glimmering the wet leaves
soon vaporizing under strong sunny light
and birds perch with their strong claws
in the branches of the shade tree
chanting a sweet sound to the children

Comfort, not all are
it's not about pleasure
not all are pleasant
but in everything there will be joy

thrown out and fall on the street,
young leaves smile cheerfully
they kiss the earth and be forgotten
until the mighty rain fall and they're swept away

a pearly rose comes up from the ground
yet it springs the thorns
and the noisy weed in the field
spread out its greenery in beauty

in the day coming, O ants
know I not what will be
a stone, shards or gravels
ropes, sword or fire
hidden from my eyes

how many days, how many days
neither know I
it's near I feel
just like a juicy honey comes out from the little buds
and so quickly they shy away

***

O, heart
just abide, hook freely
Your Maker knows who you are
and always be there in every-time
not always to please, not always to grant
but to strengthen and to sustain
through the strongest wind of the east,
the darkest valley of the north,
the cloudiest sky in the west,
and the fiercest waterspout in the south

Let His mighty Arms carry you.

***

-Yudhie

"Rejoice and be glad that we belong to Christ" (Elder Nikolai Gurianov).

the ministry of presence

2010-03-08T20:30:00.006+07:00

How precious today is! I learn something that is so true in the relationship with others. It started when I was speaking to my beloved co-workers in the library. There was something which I felt different today in the way of communicating with those whom God love, my beloved friends. That was a little thing which makes things be different, because we talk as a good friends and listen to the hearts; to speak the truth in love.

It is my own fear, mistrust and weakness which fails me to really being present for others. At times, I am easily preoccupied with my own thoughts, expectations and dreams. How easy for me to be defensive and fail to listen to others' hearts. Actually how beautiful it is to stop the busy and preoccupied thought and shift it to the state of prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me!" And by silencing our own mind, we then open our hearts and minds first of all to God and the next to others.

It is good for us to greet and simply listen to the voices and cries of others. When will we pause our own hurriedness to talk to simply be there with them and listen to them? To care for the people which in the providence of God to meet me today in peace, even as broken as I am, but whom God wants that his unworthy servant to be His vessel for these people. Sometimes and often, we find they act or behave in the way which we don't expect. They seems to be so hard and difficult. And in this, we start to escape ourselves from the hurt. But before we do that, have we really listened to their hearts and prayed for them?

In my early life and even until now, it is not an easy thing to get involved with others, especially emotionally. But now, I find that it is important to consider that human hearts --and not only their brains who speak. I need to acknowledge their cries, fears, angers, tears and and little sounds which comes from their wounded souls when I listen to them. This will allow us to move with compassion and bring our presence to them and to pray for them. Do we really listen and response or do we easy to speak and then forget?

St. Siloanos often used to pray like this: "Lord, give me tears that my heart can weep with love for my brother." (An Athonite Gerontikon, p. 256)

Lord, have mercy!

abide with the Lord

2010-03-05T18:43:00.005+07:00

The Lord, once said to His disciples, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work" (John 3:14 NKJV). And we, as His followers, who are being loved by Him and who are called to love Him with all our hearts and minds and strengths. What is our food? That is what is our greatest desire and longing? Let us set our hearts to seek His Kingdom and its righteousness first. To ask, to seek and to knock to the Most Benevolent One to our souls. My soul becomes so moved when I stop for awhile and realizing how I have wandered during the day: Lord, have mercy. How distracted and weak I am. Forgive my negligence and laziness, O Lord! Teach me to be faithful even in the little things that You have trusted me, not according to my favor because my own thought is limited and deceptive. Rather, to do every little things which You have trusted me in your kindness to do in faithfulness and joy; and know that You and your holy servants are always there before me!

I rejoice to hear the words of Your holy servant that are very true and beneficial,

Concerning the constant abiding with God, St. Anthony teaches: "Let your soul abide with the Lord at all times, and let your body abide on earth as a statue. Always stand upright before the face of the Lord. Let the fear of God always be before your eyes; and in like manner, remembrance of death, repulsion of everything worldly. Die every day that you may live; for whoever fears God will live forever. Be constantly vigilant so not to fall into laziness and idleness. Abhor all that is worldly and distance yourself from it or else it will distance you from God. Abhor all that will bring ruin to your soul. Do not deviate from God for the sake of transient things. Do not accept the example of one weaker than yourself rather from the one who is more perfect. Before all else continually pour out prayer, give thanks to God for all that would befall you. If you would fulfill all that is commanded, you will receive the inheritance `What the eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart what God has prepared' " (1 Corinthians 2:9). ( St. Nikolai Velimirovic c.f. http://stnicholasredbank.com/feb15-22.htm#m7).

Glory to You, O God! Grant me Thy remembrance in my heart. Amen!

Psalms of the day

2010-03-04T00:49:00.005+07:00

Again, how beautiful the Psalms are. They convey expressions that are really humane in a divine way! Reciting these beautiful hymns, songs and poems and yes, prayers-- drew my heart into the struggle of the writer which bring a sound and beautiful state of prayer, adoration, tears and acclamation of God's faithfulness and greatness. How beautiful indeed that God allows this to be one of His gifts, His revelation to us. This great prayer book helps us to gaze the Lord and cling unto Him! No wonder that Our Holy Fathers and Mothers along history and even now love this book and learn the prayers by heart!

"Look after me, God, I take shelter you.

To Yahweh you say, "My Lord,
you are my fortune, nothing else but you,.." (Psalm 16:1-2 Jerusalem Bible).

"Yahweh, my heritage, my cup,
you and you only hold my lot secure;
the measuring line marks out delightful places for me,
for me the heritage is superb indeed.
I bless Yahweh, who is my counselor,
and in the night my inmost self instructs me;
I keep Yahweh before me always,
for with him at my right hand nothing can shake me.

So my heart exults, my very soul rejoices,
my body, too will rest securely,
for you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
nor allow the one you love to see the Pit;
you will reveal the path of life to me,
give me unbounded joy in your presence,
and at your right hand everlasting pleasures". (Psalm 16:5-11 JB)

"I love you, Yahweh, my strength
(my savior, you rescue me from violence).
Yahweh is my rock and my bastion,
my deliverer is my God" (Psalm 18:1-2 JB)

Glory to you, O God! Glory to you!

perceiving others

2010-03-02T19:52:00.002+07:00

Living among persons whom God allows to be with us now (and even in the past and in the future) has been really a great gift for us to learn to love. We are relational being, created by God who is love. He is the Philanthropist, the Lover of Mankind. And from day to day, there exists many opportunities and actually each moment are given for us to grow in His grace to love Him and love others. How great is his faithfulness and goodness!

Many times, I failed though. But how merciful He is that He never gives up to bestow His mercy and lead His unworthy servant into the green pasture land through the door of repentance. Glory to You, O God.

The way we perceive others reflects our hearts: Is it love, compassion, patience, kindness, and joy which flowing from our hearts toward others? And where are those fruits come from, if not from the Spirit who dwells within us? Rest in Him completely and make Him our only Joy! How beautiful it is for us to submit in reverence and love, "Let Thy will be done" and say yes whenever He asks us to do. He is faithful and know the best! And isn't it sweet to invoke His Holy name and ask for His mercy to love, because only in Him we are being enabled to love.

Unless we accept others as who really they are with their weaknesses and pain, can we really love them? Or will we accept only the 'good side' of the people? It is not for us to judge others, rather as the Lord told us even to love our enemies; to speak the truth in love so firmly. We are messengers of His love! Love gives birth to prayers and compassion. Love transforms the hearts. And our attitude toward others, even just a sight reflects and radiates our love to them! I find that this little words which my friend used to tell me is so simple but very deep and true: "Remember Lord always...be kind and respectful to everybody!"

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me!

Love the least

2010-02-25T12:30:00.003+07:00

A stone laid by the river say,

"Friend, love the poverty and you be rich
for what for if I'm rich but then I forget the poor

Love the powerlessness and you be strong
let others be strong and I'm weak
let them run and I crawl
but never be lazy in your exhaustion

Love the lowliness and you be you
It is not in the peak of the hill you found orchid
it is in the cool slope near the glimmering spring
for the sooner you get, the sooner you forget

Love the hunger and sorrow, and you be filled,
for in greediness, there is nothing can satisfy
even the whole world given you it is nothing
Love and embrace it,
then the compassion greets you
and everything becomes gladsome

Love the thirst and tears, and you be joyful
for he who fears to bow is dreaming
peace never touches his heart unless he bow
to the suffering

Love the lowest ground and you be still
the least place is the place where pure water loves
the water never be satisfied until it sits on the lowest spot
and as a mother she takes care of little grass and sweet lilies

Release the captives,
for so long as they are there, they made you captive
unload the burden, and a new burden will come

walk with a lame
talk with the mute
weep with refugees
eat with the poor
stand up with the paralyzed
they're beautiful "

to keep the Word of the Christ

2010-02-22T18:45:00.003+07:00

Here is another wonderful homily from St. Nikolai Velimirovich:

"Whoever keeps My word will never taste death" (St. John 8:52).

....

But, what does it mean, brethren, to keep the word of Christ within ourselves? That means; First: to keep the word of Christ in our mind, thinking about it; Second: to keep the word of Christ in our heart, loving it; Third: to keep the word of Christ in our will, fulfilling it in deeds; Fourth: to keep the word of Christ on our tongue, openly confessing it when it is necessary to do so. Thus, to keep the word of Christ means to fill ourselves with it and to fulfill it. Whoever would keep the word of Christ in this manner, truly, he will never taste of death.

O our Lord, Mighty Lord, mightier than death, give us strength and understanding to keep Your holy word to the end; that we do not taste of death and that death does not taste of us; that decay does not touch our soul. O Lord All-merciful be merciful to us.

-- Quoted from: http://www.westsrbdio.org/prolog/my.html?month=February&day=9&Go.x=8&Go.y=12

St. Nikolai Velimirovich, pray to the Lord for us!

young spirit!

2010-02-20T21:19:00.011+07:00

Today, another beautiful day which God allows me to live was an exciting one. We had little farewell party for our beloved care group leader (campus staff) at one of our lecturer's house. It's just nice celebration, with laughter, spatial contacts, interactions, musics and songs! There were lots of fun for sure. While in the evening we got the Jazz festival (Java Jazz) road show in the front of our campus and enjoyed the show very much. Everything seems pleasant for the young souls like ours.

Having this nice memory in mind, I start reminded about another side of today's youth. A youth generation who are full of energy, but who also have to deal with so many challenges due to the vast technology development. The youth of i-Pod, BlackBerry, Games & Global Social Networking era. The world keep pushing all tempting 'pleasures' and 'relieve' for these beloved friends which in careless manner can be manipulated by these means to forget or to put off the difficulties and 'miserable part' of the world and to pursue the exceeding entertainments as if they were provided for this very purpose. We live in an age when the pornography and sexualized culture are very accessible; yes, even here in my traditional and third world country, Indonesia, thus no wonder we have not a low number of drug abuse, free sex statistics. Not only that, some are involved in extremist religious movements and even terrorism.

O, youths, full of energies, dreams and seeking of identity. Just like flowers blooming in the autumn, so beautiful and gladsome. But, we also live in a corrupted and slippery world, thus let us not rely and give up our mind solely to this temporary matters. This world is not perfect, God is perfect! Many of us live with holes and wounds from the imperfectness of the past. Some think they may find true joy in gaining acceptance, popularity and achievements and praise from others. Some think that joy comes from 'freedom' of doing whatever they want and from fulfilling all 'limitless' desires. Some acts out of fear, bitterness of the past. Some acts under the enslavement of compulsive and addictive desires. Lord, have mercy! May Thou grantest Thy mercy for those who live in such difficult circumstances. For You always compassionate and in Thy Love, grant them time of repentance. Let Thy mercy O Lord, guide them and embrace them and bring them to Thy Benevolence.

One of beautiful Psalm's verses says, "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word" (Psalm 119:9). And of course it is not about being 'nice guy', or 'church guy', or 'idealist ones' in certain sense of youth's today language. Rather, It is to live as who we really are in Christ in Whom image we are made. It is to live in His Grace and be content in Him to Whom we put all of our esteems and true Hope and Joy. It is to live in freedom and love: thus it is to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:1), to joyfully trust ourselves to the guidance of Holy Church through whom Christ ministers us to cleanse us and restore our truest beauty according His own image! Thus, by His grace we are no more slaves of sin; and not living our lives based on fear and bitterness nor on the bestial passions and desires, under the deceitful one.

How beautiful it is because it's not just words. We read from The Holy Scripture how beloved ones of The Lord lived this path. When we enter Holy Temple of God or even in our houses, we see those ikons of Victors in the Lord! What a radiant Faith, Hope and Love before our own eyes! Now, it is for us God grants this life, a precious life from Him. Let this be inscripted in our hearts:

"For You alone are my hope, Lord,
Yahweh, I have trusted you since my youth..." (Psalm 71:5 JB).
" Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ". (I Tes. 5:23 NKJV ) Amen!

Glory to You O God!
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner!

no strings attached

2010-02-19T10:08:00.012+07:00

I give thanks to the Lord this time for every precious moments He has granted me during my short life here on earth. One of them is to see how love works. Love is freely given and freely received, no string attached. What does it mean? It means that we give out of gladness and of joy and not because of fear or of obligation. This reminds me to what St. Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, "[So let] each one [give] as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7)

"Cheerful giver" and thus, not manipulative one. And the sign is very easy to detect, if we find peace and joy in giving even out of the little that we have, then it is. Giving alms, prayers, love and even ourselves to others should be done in the boundary i.e. the dignity or the stewardship which has been given by God, so it comes out from the deepest part of our heart, and independent from external forces. It is not about pleasing someone or to be perceived as good; nor it is a legal obligation before The Most Loving One. It proceeds out of a loving heart: inside out, because he has been loved by God.

Reflecting on this and bringing this down to daily live, it expands to almost each aspect of our life, including how we communicate and interact to each other. How we deal with choices to do and not to do to others and to ourselves; what generates and moves behind it (read: motivation). Then what is a sincere and free gift? There are some clues.

It doesn't manipulate, means that we don't give and do something to others because we want to look good before man. Or in another word, we don't act the charity because we want to get some credit point or good perception from others (or even from God). A simple example for this is to say 'yes' to do something for others, but actually we say 'no' in our heart, so we do that grudgingly. If we do so, it's not sacrifice but rather dishonesty and manipulation. The implication of manipulation is 'I give to look good' or 'I do this because if not I'd feel bad of my self and be bad before others'. There is string attached.

Next, it doesn't control, means it is not because we want others to keep loving us based on what we do; or to make others, even God to do something for our sake based on 'what we give'. It sounds like 'I give to receive' and its implication is "I do this because if not nobody would love me" or "I do this to keep others (and even God) grant me gratification as I want". There is string attached.

To give out of cheerful heart means we do it freely (i.e. not because of external forces and not for external rewards), honestly (let our yes be yes, and let our no be no, because we're finite being). And in the right boundary: not being too nice nor too harsh. To love and to give is not to take other's responsibility (we do what he should or can do for them) by being too kind, rather to helps him lift the burden which he can't lift alone. If we do something for others what is his part (that is his responsibility), it will even encourage his irresponsiblity and of being dependent and to paralyze them; that is to plunder his stewardship. A sincere gift helps, rather than invades other's boundary of stewardship toward God.

Lord, how faithful You are! I am glad and delightful for your Love which You have shown me through Your beloved servants who give and love out of cheerful hearts. Grant me a heart also to give in joyful soul and mind. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

God's faithfulness

2010-02-17T20:36:00.004+07:00

I will celebrate your love for ever, Yahweh,
age after age my words shall proclaim your faithfulness;
for I claim that one is built to last forever
and your faithfulness founded firmly in the heavens (Psalm 89:1-2 JB)

Whose faithfulness? Mine? No. it is the Lord's
worthy of all praise and adoration
He gives me constant cause to sing and praise Him
His love endures forever
Glory to You, O God!

Why so weary within me, my soul?
Behold, the Lord is great
At times I find myself becomes distracted
with my own fatigue and tiredness
and my body becomes exhausted
Lord, have mercy on Your weak servant!

How gracious are you O Lord,
that You grant your servant rest
and in your kindness teach me your statutes
How sweet and pure is your commandments
For me, your unworthy servant
May You grant mercy, Lord
Your remembrance in my hearts and minds
For I don't know other refuge and peace
But in Your presence

Lord, How great is your Love
How could I forget that
in Your Kindness You knitted me in my mother's womb
and in Your precious hands You keep me in my days, My Creator
Day and night you watch over me
Great is your faithfulness
morning by morning new mercies I see

This day is from You,
tomorrow is from You..
Lord, keep my heart and mind
to always revere You in sincerity and love
and to love others as You have loved me
Have mercy, O Lord!

joy in hardest time

2010-02-12T12:11:00.006+07:00

It is very good to see how our beloved Saints were joyful even in the most uncomfortable times of their lives. The martyrs, holy fathers and mothers all are joyful in the Lord and praising God without ceasing, with the expression which St. John Chrysostom used to conclude his earthly life: Glory to God for all things."

Your way, O Lord is too amazing, Who can measure Your deepest wisdom? Let Your will be done, because You know the best for us! You are full of Love and compassion toward us. In Your divine Love You call us, "Take up your cross and follow me!" Lord, how unworthy I am yet Your voice is gladsome and my heart leaps in joy to follow my Master. Glory to You!

Lord, one of Your beloved servants says, "Orthodox spirituality is knowledge acquired through suffering, rather than through learning". Thus let us welcome all that You send us with joy and thanksgiving because Your Holy Will governs all. Cleanse and purify us in Your goodness O Lord, with them and by those means You defeat our passions. Only, give us wisdom, faith and love in our hearts O Lord, that we might not desperate. Rather, always looking to You and hoping for Your mercy in our weaknesses that You might enrich us—our weakness with Your strength, our poverty with Your abundance and that we might embrace all in love.

How Merciful are You O Lord! "Great joy in heaven," You said, "when a sinner repent." You appreciate even the least of our tears, sorrows and faith in Your Holy Name... You are so full of compassion and mercy that You were touched by the faith of Syro-Phoenician woman, the weepings of those around Lazarus burial, the cry of the thief, the shouts of the blind men and You wept for those whom You love so greatly. You even willing to die for us when we are sinners! Great are you, Lord. Glory to You!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on us!

Hidden in Christ

2010-02-11T12:13:00.004+07:00

After having my breakfast at Food Junction, I and one of my friends Suhandy Manik walked up stairs to the library. I planned to work there for a couple hours while he was going to do his group project. On the way, we got into some interesting conversation as I commented how his class (that is the Indonesian Middle-Years Mathematics S-1 or IMM1) was very harmonious and cohesive during the Saturday celebration for class gathering (see picture). He responded, "Yes. We find it's joyful when we come together. We are very cohesive team!"

"I see. What about the group photo competition?"

"We did it. Again we join it whole heartedly, not for winning; simply enjoy share our happiness together!"

"That's great!"

This little conversation was very interesting for me, especially the part "not for winning; simply enjoy share our happiness together". Thinking for a while, I was reminded that it is respect of dignity and love which must become priority rather than reputation or achievements. The achievement or reputation is a reward (which may be also dangerous because can lead to vain glory) and not everything which we must pursue day and night, so is the predicate or 'self-esteem'.

How dangerous it is to do something 'good' for the sake of getting reputation, the vain glory and forget to love our brothers and sisters. As Our Lord warned us to do even the little things faithfully and in a pure and non-hypocritical manner, we live sincerely and don't wear mask. Sometimes the way of the enemy is very subtle. He tempts us in such way during critical times so that we might be disturbed by discontentment. And even he does so, that we might be inflamed in vanity by accusing us of being no good, unworthy, wretched and wrong,... so that we may be tempted to rise up and defend ourself : "No... I am good, worthy, holy and right..." Because of this when the devil accusing us of being unworthy, our best strategy to resist this is by simply to agree... Yes, you are right! There's no one Good but God and I place all my self-worth on His hands! Hands that were stretched out and pierced because He really loves the world (Father John Oliver's podcast: Descending in Humility).

Our joy, our peace and our true identity are neither dependent on external matters nor in the praise of others; nor in popularity, nor in money and possessions, nor in positions; nor in temporary pleasures, and achievements. Let Him be our truly Joy! "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" ( St. Mat. 16:26 NKJV). Let's learn from The Suffering Joseph ben Jacob, who endured all things in patience and fear of the Lord and found his true joy in Him. Let's learn from Holy Prophet Daniel who had integrity in heart. Let's learn and hope the intersection from our Beloved Lady Theotokos who was pure in heart and trust in the Lord all Her blessed life. And of course, let's follow the way of our Beloved Lord who is compassionate and full of Love.

Lord, have mercy. Grant us mindfulness; to be attentive to You and selective to what is Needful. When the desire of vain glory comes, let's remember what Holy Apostle Paul teaches us, "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col. 3:2-3).

And let it be that our life is hidden in Him :)

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

the love of others

2010-02-09T23:14:00.006+07:00

There were four of us sitting at the table in the middle of the class among other students in Math Modelling class this morning. Little while before the class started, we received the grades for the mini quiz last week. I was a little bit anxious because I knew that I found the lengthy works of Differential equations with its fancy terms was not that easy. And it was. I got unsatisfactory result :D, which made me felt a little bit uncomfortable and yes, ashamed (in my weakness, at times I am a perfectionist).

And seeing this, one of my friend, (her name is Era) looked at me straightly after asking me what I got and said, "Yudhie, may be I can help you in this?" I responded, "Sure. That would be so helpful!" Then we figured out the time to study together, with another friend too.

Remembering that little conversation makes me realize how I have been forgetful that I am among others. It is not easy for me, either because of my shyness or even may be of my pride to ask my friends, "I need your help..." Rather I would prefer to do it alone and start being sad when I couldn't understand. Many times in my sinfulness, I like to 'help' others because that would make me feel worthy instead of revealing my struggle and to trust other to help and love me too. Lord, have mercy!

Glory to You O God for today.

At times, to love others doesn't mean me in the position of a 'hero' and thus I think 'I have done something!' which unfortunately could be a pitfall of pride. God in his wisdom allows the sadness and difficulties to keep us under His strong arm and not to trust to our own deceptive passions (of feeling has done something great out of my self) which leads only into misery. Let it be according to God's way and not mine... Therefore, once again I remember this beautiful and true words from my beloved brother, "For it is not only that we should love others, but that we should permit others to love us. What many do not understand, is that it is as much a grace of God poured into our hearts to let ourselves be loved, to accept the love of others, as it is a grace of God to love. Many do not accept our love, will not accept it, and rejecting our love, they not only turn away from us unworthy lovers, but they turn away from God Himself, who is the Only Lover of mankind, trying to love them through us His servants. This is another reason why I thank God for you every day: because you let me love you, and in some very small way minister to you by acts of kindness or generosity. Not me and mine, of course, but God's, whom I serve unworthily.

Because our unworthiness is swallowed up in the worthiness of Christ, who lives in us, and who does all these things. It is not we, but Christ living in us, who does every good act. We are like little children, naughty at times, but still following our big brother Jesus, and trying to do what we see Him doing, hoping that someday we will be more like Him. Jesus our older brother, though, is also our God and Savior. With a brother like that, can we do any better?" Ameyn!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

How precious, God, Your love!

2010-02-07T20:16:00.005+07:00

How sweet O Lord, when the sound of Your Holy Name being chanted in the midst of Your beloved people. Lord, You love us with great and precious love. Day by day You never leave us, rather You guide us to the path of righteousness for Your namesake! Yes, You have been so faithful to Your humble servant. Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds...! Lord, I am so weak, unworthy and unreliable but You smile at me and show Your love. Glory to Thee, O Lord!

Lord, have mercy on me, because many times in my narrow-mindedness, I fail to see and to glorify Your precious Love. It is only by Your mercy, O Lord that I am here today with all that You allow to be. Only by Your faithfulness that I might breath now and have a time to stay and think about Your loving kindness. You have created me and I am Thine. Let Your will be done!

How great today, when I see the faithful brothers and sisters in the house of the Lord; it has been heartfelt joy to sing and praise God with them in our humble mission. But once again You have reminded me of Your faithfulness to Your lowly servant. Have mercy on us, O Lord! Have mercy on us.

the Fatigue

2010-02-03T11:23:00.007+07:00

As a youth who sometimes becomes emotional and reactive, I realize that many of my energy I spend in the emotional area. Start with the anxiety both before and after class, in the interactions with friends and etc. To be honest, there's no more time and energy consuming in my days than my own busy thoughts. How easy it is for my mind to be distracted and start worrying about class, about this and about that. Lord, have mercy on me, grant my heart stillness before Thee and Thy remembrance be in my heart and mind!

Awaking from my bed early this morning, I grabbed a piece of simple paper with a very beautiful prayer written on it. That was the prayer of Metopolitan Philaret of Moscow. And there I sat at the edge of the bed and recited the prayer down line to line and I saw a word which feels different this time. Here is the line:

"... Give me the strength to bear the fatigue
of the coming day with all that it shall bring."

As soon as I finished, I stopped for a while, looking at the word which I was not really sure of the meaning. I reached my English-Indonesia dictionary and looked it up. There I saw the translation: "kelelahan, keletihan", the same Bahasa words to describe ' [the cause of] tiredness, exhaustion'. O, really O Lord, I need Thy mercy. Glory to Thee O God for Thy faithfulness in the exhausting days. Only in Thee alone is my truest rest.

Remembering the prayer, I smile and am glad to remember that God has been so faithful that He allows the things to come to me according to His wisdom. And I realize that it is my own doubts, worries, anxieties, desires which wear me out. Lord, have mercy! Grant my heart O Lord to trust You and do what Thou has entrusted me in peace of soul, in deligence and submission. And... Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring." For behind all that You allow to come, there is always Your purest love." Amen.

Why then should I worry of many cares? Only one thing is needful! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Exercise

2010-02-01T20:48:00.005+07:00

I have just recovered from flu :), praise the Lord for His mercy and goodness! And I am so glad for this little time to write and reflect on the simple and little thing in His Faithfulness.
How good it is that God in His Greatness and yes, in His humility has invited us to follow His way and to learn from Him along our life. And thus, we find ourselves invited into the life of denial of the self; the exercise to limit ourselves and we fast, and do the spiritual exercises in a very practical manner. And once again, honestly I reflect where does it lead?

Of course, we are not being duty-based or legalistic in living such a participatory life, because once again it is an exercise and thus not an end in itself. It is not an 'external righteousness' i.e. the righteousness by fulfilling checklists. If so, then someone might boast of his 'achievements' for being such and such; and if so, what a mask that would be! Then where should it lead?

Foremost, it comes only from Him and His Love and it only leads to Him through the Holy Spirit. It leads into the narrow path. By those exercise, we learn to weep and to see our weaknesses, and to humble our souls before Him who are mighty. Once again we're reminded that we are human; where we're from; for Whom we must live and where we are to. And thus we submit ourselves to earnestly remember the Lord and open our Heart to the Holy Spirit to live in us. Thus we learn to be more dependent to Him and no more in our strength.

And in this produces joy and soberness. It leads us to make Him as the first and the center of our life and prepare us to receive the Holy Mysteries. And we realize that we really need His mercy and we weep before the Lord in heartfelt utterance, "Lord, have mercy," not only for oneself but embrace all. Being unmasked of weaknesses and sins, compunction comes to heart and he bows in contrition. It leads us to realize that how insufficient our own strength but God's mercy is so great, to the point we well up whenever we call on the Most Holy and Sweet name of Jesus.

Thus, through this we also remember those who are before God and pray for us, Our beloved Panagia, our Holy Fathers and Mothers and all The Saints. We come to alert that we will soon root out our tent here and be in the true home. We're awake and really long to come closer and closer to Him, and yet we realize more and more of the sins thus we cry like the woman who anointed Him, like the publican who bowed contritely and like the thief who was beside Him.

Lord, have mercy!

Aisye

2010-01-29T18:48:00.006+07:00

Aisye grew up from a branch

just like a sweet little baby

among the leaves in a shade tree

drought, drought

now Aisye became a green one

moon, moon

the bright crescent

a sharp crescent in the sky

and Aisye stared in silence

wind, wind

breeze blowing

and Aisye wept

stars, stars

adorning the night

and Aisye fell a sleep

Soon Aisye sprang up

now she's yellow

and brown

and fall

burn, burn

Aisye smiles

willingness to understand

2010-01-25T10:08:00.004+07:00

It is very interesting that in reality, not the sophisticate skills or tricks of dealings with other person which makes someone get connected to each other. First of all, it is about the willingness to understand each as a person. This willingness, is a part of our care to others, a part of our love to them. What kind of understanding? It is to know although very little of their heart and language (the way they express themselves), about their energies and their choices and their perspectives toward the world. Everybody is different and unique. And each has the very right to decide their decision according to their choices. And in fact this is in the heart of our obedience and love (to God): to consciously choose the Life and live in it with a whole heart, to take our cross in humility while trusting God, our strength.

The willingness to understand and embrace others means not to judge and see others by our own perceptions and presumptions (which we supposed to be right and in fact, often not), rather to look into their hearts. It is to stay near and to listen to them without feeling more upright or more knowledgeable. It is to humbly realizing that I just know a little of what I heard or thought about them and I am available to hear more from their own heart's expression. It is to realize that not me, which many times don't have a loving and compassionate heart toward them to judge but we give them up to God's mercy.

But this is by no mean to be conformed in relativistic view of things or to be indifferent. Rather it is to stand in the truth but not boasting in ourself but rooted deeply in God's mercy. This is to speak the truth in love. It is to be firm in doing what we see Him doing, and follow Him at any cost and rejoicing with the heavenly joy when even one who is lost is found.

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Many Years! The New Serbian Patriarch

2010-01-24T13:05:00.004+07:00

Belgrade, Serbia - The Holy Archbishop of Pec, Metropolitan of Belgrade and Karlovac and Patriarch Irinej of Serbia, was enthroned Saturday January 23, 2010, following the Holy Hierarchical Divine Liturgy at the Cathedral church in Belgrade.

News and Picture Source: The Serbian Orthodox Church in North and South America Website. (http://serborth.org/012322010.html)

The deep Joy that comes from being in the Will of God

2010-01-21T10:31:00.009+07:00

Once more, my heart is moved to reflect on how God's will is perfect in our lives and how the obedience and repentance, the daughters of humility are very meaningful virtues to let it flow into our heart. And in the reading through the Athonite Gerontikon, The Lord let me see how beautiful are the lives of those who turn toward Him whole-heartily; death to the world and follow Him through the narrow and straight way of humility and love in Panagia's garden.

Living in a fallen world with a big possibility of being harmed and experiencing pain has made mankind try their best to flee, escape, mask or avoid those pains. At times, the sting of those experiences of misery and pain may create a bitterness in the hearts and minds and that might make a person forget to love and be still before Him who lovest all.

God is merciful! In His great Love He never leaves us but he come to us and He became one of us and pitched His tent among us and visited us in our weaknesses and misery. He even came down to our lowest state and loved to be with us and to embrace us and to heal us, and He wants us to be with Him. He is The Way, The Truth and the Life. In the union with Him, through the Holy Mysteries, He equips us to live and love Him. He gives us His Spirit to live a new life. Because without The Spirit, man will only live and move based on deceitful fear and desires. And only in Him, we find the purest joy and love; as my dear friend once said, "rest completely in Him, beloved, and let His life be your only joy..." Only in Him we find our true humanity.

Thus, living in His mercy and faithfulness, we have a new relationship with pain and suffering. We put our trust in Him who had endured the most miserable misery to endure- in meekness and obedience. He made the cross into the tree of life. Instead of all rejections and grieves, He stood in love and compassion; He prayed for those who crucified Him and forgave the repentant thief. There always be God's purest love in everything He does and in the way He allows us to go through, yes even though it is narrow and uneasy.

This reminds me of what Fr. John Oliver said in his podcast in Ancient Faith Radio, and I would like to quote that in this post:

Life's disappointments are like the spiritual tune-ups, they help us to take a step back and ask a most important question: "Am I here so that I can get my way, or am I here so that God can use me to get His way?" Usually my way is best [only] for me, God's way is however best for every one. My way makes life favorable for me, but God's way, makes eternity favorable for as many people as possible. I think short term, he deals in long term. My judgment is clouded, His judgment is clear. I want to control even though I don't know what is best, God has control and He always knows what is best. Because I am sinful, my way is sinful; Because God is perfect, God's way is perfect. My way usually involves pleasure but often end in pain. God's way may involves pain but it always end in joy, the deep Joy that comes from being in the Will of God [as witnessed by the lives of the Saints].

The pain, disappointments and sorrows may seem always be there in our earthly life, but remember Him who said,
"Come to Me, all [you] who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. "For My yoke [is] easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV)

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Psalms- Tehilim :)

2010-01-20T11:05:00.007+07:00

I love the fact that the wonderful prayers of Psalms have a place in daily Orthodox prayers. And ever since, by the mercy of God, I started to love this poetic and great book to pray. The more I read it, the more love I feel toward this book. Therefore, I am so glad when my friend offered to give me a copy of Hebrew Tehilim to read and I accepted that joyfully!

I had never learned Hebrew before, so it was a little bit challenging to read the Hebrew alphabets. But praise the Lord, I start memorizing the alphabets and also the vowels and read some of the chapters with the guidance of Learning Hebrew book and also the audio format. It's very fun to learn to read it, because I really love to learn languages (although, sometimes not very consistent in learning :P ).
Because it is an interlinear version, it allows me to learn word by word transliteration behind the Hebrew text and that makes me more keen to learn it. It has been a great experience :D. Glory to God!

טוֹב, לְהֹדוֹת לַיהוָה; וּלְזַמֵּר לְשִׁמְךָ עֶלְיוֹן
לְהַגִּיד בַּבֹּקֶר חַסְדֶּךָ; וֶאֱמוּנָתְךָ, בַּלֵּילוֹת

It is a good thing to give thanks unto the LORD, and to sing praises unto Thy name, O Most High;
To declare Thy loving kindness in the morning, and Thy faithfulness in the night seasons,
(Psalm 92:2-3).
Ameyn!

Friend matters

2010-01-18T12:25:00.011+07:00

Working in the library sometimes give me a very good chance to see how people interact, smile, laugh, and express their feelings and thought through my desk in the CAC (Closed Access Collection) room. From there I learn a little bit about the uniqueness of each person in dealing with circumstances. And the more I realize that in reality, we can not simply live simply looking for pleasant things and seeking for the most comfortable ones. Inevitably, we deal with the things which are uncomfortable and unpleasant in our days which God allows in his wisdom. He is all love and ever good. His wisdom and love surpasses my weak and lame understanding which sometimes 'skewed' that is to prefer pleasure than the edifying but uncomfortable moments.

Eventually, I want to thank God for the things which He has done so awesomely and yet in my limitation I could not see nor understand. And actually living together with friends and having some interactions and sharing has provided me great opportunity to learn from each other, to see my own weaknesses and the goodness of others :). As it is said in Proverb 27:17:
[As] iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. (NKJV)

Lord have mercy! Grant Thy unworthy servant O Lord to deal with my brothers and sisters which Thou has sent me in peace and love. Lord, grant me humility and compassion to care, to involve and to give myself to Thy beloved ones, since they too have so many needs and struggle, but Thou has called me to help them according to the Love which Thou hast upon me. Amen!

He is all Love

2010-01-13T16:45:00.004+07:00

An elder said:

We should not put God in difficult position. He is all Love. God does not like to see us unhappy. What should God do then? Any time we are given grace abundantly, we boast; if we are not given this grace, we are unhappy, even despairing.

Soon after we begin to try[to live the spiritual life] we get tired. Even if we go astray, this can be a helpful experience for us, because it is not only in order to humble us that God sometimes withdraws His grace from us. This in fact is exactly how a man is humbled. Then when God's grace is given back to him again, he sees that he has grown in self-knowledge, and realizes that he cannot rely on himself, but he needs God's help.

It is like a baby: as soon as he is able to hold his mother's hand, he tries to walk. He takes big steps and thinks that he is doing just fine, imagining that he is walking on his o[w]n. If this continues, the child becomes dependant, because if we hold his hand all the time, he gets a false sense of security and then tumbles when he actually does attempt to walk by himself.

Sometimes the Devil manages to use us to tempt our brother. When we pray for God to give us love, God then might allow a brother to become ill so that we may be granted an opportunity to show our love when the sick brother asks for help. The sick one might ask you, 'Bring me some tea, bring me this, bring me that...' In this way God will test both your love and your patience.

Sometimes God withdraws the grace from our superiors, and they speak to us abruptly. This tests us, to see if we will judge or not, we who have previously asked Him to give us the virtue of restraint from criticism.

***

(Quoted from: An Athonite Gerontikon, Chapter XIII: On Discernment of Thought and Spirituality, p. 136)

Ever Good

2010-01-12T18:16:00.004+07:00

During the day, I stayed for a while and reflect on how much goodness the Lord has done for me, the unworthy one. Indeed, how merciful are You, O God! And a very beautiful Psalm sounding there in my heart,

It is good to give thanks to Yahweh,
to play in honor of your name, Most High,
to proclaim your love at daybreak
and your faithfulness all through the night
to the music of the zither and lyre,
to the rippling of the harp (Psalm 92:1-3 JB)

Lord, have mercy! Grant my heart strength not only to recall Your wonders and kindness, but also to praise and glorify, to love You all of my life. You know well the weaknesses of Your servant. You have commanded us to love our neighbors as You love us, but many times I don't have a loving heart. Only to You O Lord, I hope and in Thy Goodness I trust, change my heart O God to love!

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me!

heart to listen, heart to keep, heart to do

2010-01-11T13:40:00.009+07:00

Drops of the rain soon will make a parched land mould
to be a gentle and plow-able one
to be sown with a well dried seed
until its shoot comes up under the warmth of morning sunshine

The patience of still river
flows meekly through the little water channel
reaches its roots and nourishes the new planted

The flamingo sees how the nature work quietly
but his heart filled with warmness that he begins to sing
a loud song telling a wonderful story

Be still, be still wholly in the good soil, O seed
hidden under the ground
that you may not over-exposed to the heat of Sun
keep silent there, worry not
because the Good Soil nourishes you with the best goodness

It is below there, in the low part
unseen, hidden in lowly place
so that you might spring a new sprout
a new one with young green leaves
does have a strong and deep root by the streams of water

***

HOMILY on the Most-holy Virgin, the Theotokos by St. Nikolai Velimirovich

2010-01-10T10:12:00.002+07:00

Yea, a sword shall pierce through thine own soul also (Luke 2:35).
Who on this earth could even closely compare with the Lord in patient endurance of suffering except His Most-holy Mother? The elder Simeon, adorned with snowy hair like a white swan, prophetically foresaw her future sufferings and likened those sufferings to a sword piercing her soul. One sword had pierced her soul when the righteous Joseph doubted her at the time of her pregnancy; the second, when she had to flee to Egypt before Herod's sword; and the third, fourth and many, many others when she saw the hatred and intrigues of the Jewish elders against her Son day in and day out during the whole time of His preaching and miracle-working among men. But the sharpest sword pierced her soul when she stood beneath the Cross of her Son and Lord. This sword was foreseen and prophesied to her by the holy, aged Simeon. Majestic and moving was her silence, beneath which she covered all her pains and all the wounds of her heart as with a veil. In the twilight, all these countless pains that had accumulated in her most pure heart shone as an inextinguishable flame of faith and hope in God and dedication to God. This handmaid of the Lord, unsurpassable in nobility! She saw herself clearly in God's plan for the salvation of mankind; she read about herself in the prophets; she spoke with the angels-God's messengers. Therefore, all that came upon her, joy or pain, she knew came from God. She was not jubilant in her joy nor did she murmur in her pain, but rather she remained silent and laid it all up in her heart.
O Most-holy Virgin Theotokos, help us that we may be, like thee, submissive to the will of God.
To thy Son and Lord, through thee, be glory and praise forever. Amen.
(Quoted from http://www.westsrbdio.org/prolog/my.html?month=December&day=29&Go.x=7&Go.y=15).

To thee, the Champion Leader, we thy servants dedicate a feast of victory and of thanksgiving as ones rescued out of sufferings, O Theotokos; but as thou art one with might invincible, from all dangers that can be do thou deliver us, that we may cry to thee:

Rejoice, thou Bride Unwedded!

Time to come back with sweet memories

2010-01-09T08:34:00.005+07:00

I have just arrived in Jakarta with the fragrance of sweet memory of Solo is still in my mind! I really enjoyed my trip and praise the Lord once again for the opportunity. And by the way, now I am heading to the 6th semester of my study, thanks be unto God!

The dorm is not yet very crowded, since some of us are still in their hometowns. It's very good to see them again in a new readiness to welcome and share life's experience together. Just like what Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784) said "A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair." :D. That was one among other things which moved my thought during my trip in Solo given that I was in a new setting and place, where there exist again another opportunity to get to know other persons and become their friend. And that made me think of my 'how to relate' pattern. In my weaknesses, I realize too often what were in my past, in my childhood still have enough if not strong influence in my lack of social skill. Yet, again and again it is very great to trust The Lord and rest in Him, asking always His mercy knowing that I am very insufficient but He is Almighty thus let His Love be perfect in my weaknesses. And ... Happy new year, my beloved friends and readers!

Glory to God for still allowing me to live the new year in His mercy. I am enjoying very much reading An Athonite Gerontikon: Sayings of the Holy Fathers of Mount Athos, an awesome book to read in the beginning of this year sent by a friend of mine! And still under the shadow of great feast of Holy Nativity of Lord Jesus Christ, it has been a great and solemn week. I would say, "Happy Holy Nativity! Selamat Hari Natal! С Рождеством Христовым!" to everybody!

Lord, have mercy!

Update: Trip experience

2009-12-29T21:08:00.002+07:00

How happy I am for having again an opportunity to write something in this unworthy blog! And by the way, I am still in Central Java and planning to celebrate the Christmas here, so I will go back to Jakarta on January 08.

Glory to God! I have a very peaceful time here in the house of Father Alexios. What a beauty to be so near with the Church and faithful brothers and sisters. I learn about the Orthodox way of live here through their lives; in prayers, witness, sincerity and hospitality and love! Father Alexios spends sometime with me in the morning to explain and teach me from the Holy Scriptures. I was also given the opportunity to serve as an altar boy together with some brothers here! What a great training. Presbytera Heleni has been like my own mother for me. She's very kind and gentle. I learn how to make a prayer rope from her. And finally I made a 75 knots prayer rope and I will save it and bring it to Tangerang!

The supports from our faithful brothers and sisters here is also encouraging. I meet more and more Orthodox youths from this city (about 20 or even 30 youths at about my age)! And it is also very good to know and live in one house Mas Johan, Mas Indra and Esti and also Mbak Ike (a big family)! Tomorrow I will attend the blessing service for the new opened restaurant of one of brothers! I really love to be here to see how God has been so faithful protecting, preserving and increasing His beloved Church in Indonesia.

And although in fact I am a shy person and not very easy to communicate, that is sometimes speaking tottered and not easy to innitiate a conversation, but the Lord is very faithful! May Your Love made perfect in my weaknesses O Lord. The coming days will be so prayerful days as the time moves, new year comes and also theDay of Lord's Nativity! I really wish to be able to write again!

Glory to You, O God! Please pray for me brothers and sisters, Yudhie the sinner! My unworthy prayers be with you!

Greetings from Solo, Central Java

2009-12-19T21:08:00.002+07:00

This vacation, I am very glad for an unexpected opportunity to go to Solo! And right now I am staying in Father Alexios' house to learn more and more about Church life. I depart from Jakarta this afternoon and arrived at about 6 pm. What an exciting journey! As I arrived, I was invited to attend the beautiful Vesper Service.

The The brothers and sisters here welcomed me very warmly. I met Esty and Mas Indra, Father Alexios' son and daughter about the same age with me. They're very friendly and we become friends then! I will attend the Divine Liturgy tomorrow together with them in the Holy Trinity Church (which is beside this house! :D). Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

not I but Christ living in me

2009-12-12T17:25:00.003+07:00

I have been realizing how easy it is for me to get distracted away from my focus to follow the greatest Master of all who lovest mankind. It doesn't need great storm to make me disturbed but only the simple thing may made me helpless when I am trapped in self-pity and if I trust in my own strength (which is always insufficient) to deal with even the slightest thing during the day or even to make a spiritual labor as the ego thinks, "well I'll try my best to do it or that in my way'. And this results the tendency of displeasure, impatience or anger if an obstacle intervenes, that is when anything doesn't go as 'I' want.

And I found that it is very tricky, and the subtle line of self-satisfaction can lead to the self-righteousness, as the temptation comes to think that we're 'good enough' or in feeling right. Just like when we think that we're humble but actually not, or when we think we're not, yet actually yes, by His grace. Only One is Good!

Only Jesus who lives in us can do all these things for us. Rest completely in Him, beloved, and let His life be your only joy. Then all other things and people will be sent to you, as He sends them.
Glory to Thee O God!

Once again this beautiful reminder clinging in my heart,

"Brother, do not worry too much about humility. It isn't something we can "grow" through our own efforts or will power. By all means, always take the humble and lowest place, but not to gain humility or even to demonstrate it. Seek Christ always first, and do what you see Him doing in your spirit, and accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life."

and this words touch my heart so poignantly,

To truly believe you are nothing, you forget yourself completely, and think only of the other. We reach this state of belief only rarely, and then lose it as quickly as we see ourselves reflected in something else again, or in someone. Then, without realizing it, we remember ourselves again, and abandon forgetfulness, and we again can say, "I am nothing."

Lord, have mercy on me a sinner! Truly O Lord, Let Thy Life be my only joy, may Thou live in me and I in Thee, now and ever and unto the ages of ages! Amen!

a little beautiful quote

2009-12-08T21:12:00.004+07:00

Thanksgiving is a wall of protection against anxiety – for how can we fear that for which we give thanks? Thanksgiving is the oil of gladness that anoints and heals the saddened heart. Thanksgiving is the solemn rebuke of the wayward energy of our anger.

Guard your heart. Let nothing rob you of your humanity. Let nothing destroy the peace of your heart. With true philotimo rejoice in the presence of God.

I quoted those words from Father Stephen's blog. Thanks Father Stephen!

Glory to Thee O God! Thou who art Worthy of all praises, glory and honor, before Whom nothing is hidden! Glory to Thee.

How merciful art Thou, O Lord...

2009-12-07T08:47:00.003+07:00

Once again I am amazed toward God's faithfulness to me the unworthy one! Because instead of my nothingness, He grant me His mercy and He has lead me into His Way, Truth and Life. Day by day in his kairos time He let me to learn although in my poverty of heart and mind, I am slow to understand, but truly Thou art faithful. Lord, how great it is to remember Thy Love and Mercy.

I am very glad this week receiving a box of gifts from my great friend consist of lovely things which will help me to learn and warm my heart in love toward God! I am very happy for that! And for this week when I have the remaining two weeks to finish up the assignments for this semester, I am very thankful for a little time He grants me to read the book "Basic Orthodoxy" by Anthony M Coniaris. A very great book for me personally because of its simplicity and yet deep and thoughtful explanation of Orthodox frameworks mainly focusing on the Liturgical life of the Church.

In reading the very beginning part of this book, my heart was touched by the explanation about the kronos and kairos, and I recommend brother Romanos' posting explaining about this. Glory to Thee, O God!

Intermezo: the rambutans

2009-12-02T23:46:00.004+07:00

It's December! The drops of rain blur the windows and everything becomes so green. Sometimes the scene is accompanied with the fresh smell of the earth. I remembered when I was a little boy in this season. It was a very special month because the weather is very mild and the fruits are everywhere.

In our old house, we had some mangoes trees, cacao, and also rambutan. And the favourite one among those fruits is the rambutan. I remember how my sister and me together harvested and collected the fruits into baskets and my mother would bind its bunches and we ate it with whoever stopped by. Until now, when December comes I really miss the opportunity to eat rambutans with my friends, and that reminds me to them.

And besides our home, there were some yellow lilies which my dear mom loved so much. It had the orange buds and my neighbors used to call it "Lilie Kasoem". The rains might be fall so frequently that although some of my neighbors still went to the field (usually they went very early at about 4 a.m. and went home at 5 p.m.) but some of us stayed at home and that was a very good opportunity for me to write anything in my mind (I liked writing, although it's so very simple!).

As the December comes, my small village in Sumatra island would be very muddy and humid. And the road would be so slippery and difficult to access. But as a child I really enjoyed to play in that mud with my friends and would suddenly stop when our parents sought after us and asked us not to play since it was not safe.

Just a little memory of childhood :)! Lord, season after season Thou has been so faithful! Let Thy praise be always in my mouth and my heart. Glory to Thee O God, Glory to Thee.