Love the least

A stone laid by the river say,

"Friend, love the poverty and you be rich
for what for if I'm rich but then I forget the poor

Love the powerlessness and you be strong
let others be strong and I'm weak
let them run and I crawl
but never be lazy in your exhaustion

Love the lowliness and you be you
It is not in the peak of the hill you found orchid
it is in the cool slope near the glimmering spring
for the sooner you get, the sooner you forget

Love the hunger and sorrow, and you be filled,
for in greediness, there is nothing can satisfy
even the whole world given you it is nothing
Love and embrace it,
then the compassion greets you
and everything becomes gladsome

Love the thirst and tears, and you be joyful
for he who fears to bow is dreaming
peace never touches his heart unless he bow
to the suffering

Love the lowest ground and you be still
the least place is the place where pure water loves
the water never be satisfied until it sits on the lowest spot
and as a mother she takes care of little grass and sweet lilies

Release the captives,
for so long as they are there, they made you captive
unload the burden, and a new burden will come

walk with a lame
talk with the mute
weep with refugees
eat with the poor
stand up with the paralyzed
they're beautiful "

to keep the Word of the Christ

Here is another wonderful homily from St. Nikolai Velimirovich:

"Whoever keeps My word will never taste death" (St. John 8:52).

....

But, what does it mean, brethren, to keep the word of Christ within ourselves? That means; First: to keep the word of Christ in our mind, thinking about it; Second: to keep the word of Christ in our heart, loving it; Third: to keep the word of Christ in our will, fulfilling it in deeds; Fourth: to keep the word of Christ on our tongue, openly confessing it when it is necessary to do so. Thus, to keep the word of Christ means to fill ourselves with it and to fulfill it. Whoever would keep the word of Christ in this manner, truly, he will never taste of death.

O our Lord, Mighty Lord, mightier than death, give us strength and understanding to keep Your holy word to the end; that we do not taste of death and that death does not taste of us; that decay does not touch our soul. O Lord All-merciful be merciful to us.

-- Quoted from: http://www.westsrbdio.org/prolog/my.html?month=February&day=9&Go.x=8&Go.y=12

St. Nikolai Velimirovich, pray to the Lord for us!

young spirit!

Today, another beautiful day which God allows me to live was an exciting one. We had little farewell party for our beloved care group leader (campus staff) at one of our lecturer's house. It's just nice celebration, with laughter, spatial contacts, interactions, musics and songs! There were lots of fun for sure. While in the evening we got the Jazz festival (Java Jazz) road show in the front of our campus and enjoyed the show very much. Everything seems pleasant for the young souls like ours.

Having this nice memory in mind, I start reminded about another side of today's youth. A youth generation who are full of energy, but who also have to deal with so many challenges due to the vast technology development. The youth of i-Pod, BlackBerry, Games & Global Social Networking era. The world keep pushing all tempting 'pleasures' and 'relieve' for these beloved friends which in careless manner can be manipulated by these means to forget or to put off the difficulties and 'miserable part' of the world and to pursue the exceeding entertainments as if they were provided for this very purpose. We live in an age when the pornography and sexualized culture are very accessible; yes, even here in my traditional and third world country, Indonesia, thus no wonder we have not a low number of drug abuse, free sex statistics. Not only that, some are involved in extremist religious movements and even terrorism.

O, youths, full of energies, dreams and seeking of identity. Just like flowers blooming in the autumn, so beautiful and gladsome. But, we also live in a corrupted and slippery world, thus let us not rely and give up our mind solely to this temporary matters. This world is not perfect, God is perfect! Many of us live with holes and wounds from the imperfectness of the past. Some think they may find true joy in gaining acceptance, popularity and achievements and praise from others. Some think that joy comes from 'freedom' of doing whatever they want and from fulfilling all 'limitless' desires. Some acts out of fear, bitterness of the past. Some acts under the enslavement of compulsive and addictive desires. Lord, have mercy! May Thou grantest Thy mercy for those who live in such difficult circumstances. For You always compassionate and in Thy Love, grant them time of repentance. Let Thy mercy O Lord, guide them and embrace them and bring them to Thy Benevolence.

One of beautiful Psalm's verses says, "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word" (Psalm 119:9). And of course it is not about being 'nice guy', or 'church guy', or 'idealist ones' in certain sense of youth's today language. Rather, It is to live as who we really are in Christ in Whom image we are made. It is to live in His Grace and be content in Him to Whom we put all of our esteems and true Hope and Joy. It is to live in freedom and love: thus it is to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:1), to joyfully trust ourselves to the guidance of Holy Church through whom Christ ministers us to cleanse us and restore our truest beauty according His own image! Thus, by His grace we are no more slaves of sin; and not living our lives based on fear and bitterness nor on the bestial passions and desires, under the deceitful one.

How beautiful it is because it's not just words. We read from The Holy Scripture how beloved ones of The Lord lived this path. When we enter Holy Temple of God or even in our houses, we see those ikons of Victors in the Lord! What a radiant Faith, Hope and Love before our own eyes! Now, it is for us God grants this life, a precious life from Him. Let this be inscripted in our hearts:

"For You alone are my hope, Lord,
Yahweh, I have trusted you since my youth..." (Psalm 71:5 JB).
" Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ". (I Tes. 5:23 NKJV ) Amen!

Glory to You O God!
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner!

no strings attached

I give thanks to the Lord this time for every precious moments He has granted me during my short life here on earth. One of them is to see how love works. Love is freely given and freely received, no string attached. What does it mean? It means that we give out of gladness and of joy and not because of fear or of obligation. This reminds me to what St. Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, "[So let] each one [give] as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7)

"Cheerful giver" and thus, not manipulative one. And the sign is very easy to detect, if we find peace and joy in giving even out of the little that we have, then it is. Giving alms, prayers, love and even ourselves to others should be done in the boundary i.e. the dignity or the stewardship which has been given by God, so it comes out from the deepest part of our heart, and independent from external forces. It is not about pleasing someone or to be perceived as good; nor it is a legal obligation before The Most Loving One. It proceeds out of a loving heart: inside out, because he has been loved by God.

Reflecting on this and bringing this down to daily live, it expands to almost each aspect of our life, including how we communicate and interact to each other. How we deal with choices to do and not to do to others and to ourselves; what generates and moves behind it (read: motivation). Then what is a sincere and free gift? There are some clues.

It doesn't manipulate, means that we don't give and do something to others because we want to look good before man. Or in another word, we don't act the charity because we want to get some credit point or good perception from others (or even from God). A simple example for this is to say 'yes' to do something for others, but actually we say 'no' in our heart, so we do that grudgingly. If we do so, it's not sacrifice but rather dishonesty and manipulation. The implication of manipulation is 'I give to look good' or 'I do this because if not I'd feel bad of my self and be bad before others'. There is string attached.

Next, it doesn't control, means it is not because we want others to keep loving us based on what we do; or to make others, even God to do something for our sake based on 'what we give'. It sounds like 'I give to receive' and its implication is "I do this because if not nobody would love me" or "I do this to keep others (and even God) grant me gratification as I want". There is string attached.

To give out of cheerful heart means we do it freely (i.e. not because of external forces and not for external rewards), honestly (let our yes be yes, and let our no be no, because we're finite being). And in the right boundary: not being too nice nor too harsh. To love and to give is not to take other's responsibility (we do what he should or can do for them) by being too kind, rather to helps him lift the burden which he can't lift alone. If we do something for others what is his part (that is his responsibility), it will even encourage his irresponsiblity and of being dependent and to paralyze them; that is to plunder his stewardship. A sincere gift helps, rather than invades other's boundary of stewardship toward God.

Lord, how faithful You are! I am glad and delightful for your Love which You have shown me through Your beloved servants who give and love out of cheerful hearts. Grant me a heart also to give in joyful soul and mind. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

God's faithfulness

I will celebrate your love for ever, Yahweh,
age after age my words shall proclaim your faithfulness;
for I claim that one is built to last forever
and your faithfulness founded firmly in the heavens (Psalm 89:1-2 JB)

Whose faithfulness? Mine? No. it is the Lord's
worthy of all praise and adoration
He gives me constant cause to sing and praise Him
His love endures forever
Glory to You, O God!

Why so weary within me, my soul?
Behold, the Lord is great
At times I find myself becomes distracted
with my own fatigue and tiredness
and my body becomes exhausted
Lord, have mercy on Your weak servant!

How gracious are you O Lord,
that You grant your servant rest
and in your kindness teach me your statutes
How sweet and pure is your commandments
For me, your unworthy servant
May You grant mercy, Lord
Your remembrance in my hearts and minds
For I don't know other refuge and peace
But in Your presence

Lord, How great is your Love
How could I forget that
in Your Kindness You knitted me in my mother's womb
and in Your precious hands You keep me in my days, My Creator
Day and night you watch over me
Great is your faithfulness
morning by morning new mercies I see

This day is from You,
tomorrow is from You..
Lord, keep my heart and mind
to always revere You in sincerity and love
and to love others as You have loved me
Have mercy, O Lord!

joy in hardest time

It is very good to see how our beloved Saints were joyful even in the most uncomfortable times of their lives. The martyrs, holy fathers and mothers all are joyful in the Lord and praising God without ceasing, with the expression which St. John Chrysostom used to conclude his earthly life: Glory to God for all things."

Your way, O Lord is too amazing, Who can measure Your deepest wisdom? Let Your will be done, because You know the best for us! You are full of Love and compassion toward us. In Your divine Love You call us, "Take up your cross and follow me!" Lord, how unworthy I am yet Your voice is gladsome and my heart leaps in joy to follow my Master. Glory to You!

Lord, one of Your beloved servants says, "Orthodox spirituality is knowledge acquired through suffering, rather than through learning". Thus let us welcome all that You send us with joy and thanksgiving because Your Holy Will governs all. Cleanse and purify us in Your goodness O Lord, with them and by those means You defeat our passions. Only, give us wisdom, faith and love in our hearts O Lord, that we might not desperate. Rather, always looking to You and hoping for Your mercy in our weaknesses that You might enrich us—our weakness with Your strength, our poverty with Your abundance and that we might embrace all in love.

How Merciful are You O Lord! "Great joy in heaven," You said, "when a sinner repent." You appreciate even the least of our tears, sorrows and faith in Your Holy Name... You are so full of compassion and mercy that You were touched by the faith of Syro-Phoenician woman, the weepings of those around Lazarus burial, the cry of the thief, the shouts of the blind men and You wept for those whom You love so greatly. You even willing to die for us when we are sinners! Great are you, Lord. Glory to You!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on us!

Hidden in Christ

After having my breakfast at Food Junction, I and one of my friends Suhandy Manik walked up stairs to the library. I planned to work there for a couple hours while he was going to do his group project. On the way, we got into some interesting conversation as I commented how his class (that is the Indonesian Middle-Years Mathematics S-1 or IMM1) was very harmonious and cohesive during the Saturday celebration for class gathering (see picture). He responded, "Yes. We find it's joyful when we come together. We are very cohesive team!"

"I see. What about the group photo competition?"

"We did it. Again we join it whole heartedly, not for winning; simply enjoy share our happiness together!"

"That's great!"

This little conversation was very interesting for me, especially the part "not for winning; simply enjoy share our happiness together". Thinking for a while, I was reminded that it is respect of dignity and love which must become priority rather than reputation or achievements. The achievement or reputation is a reward (which may be also dangerous because can lead to vain glory) and not everything which we must pursue day and night, so is the predicate or 'self-esteem'.

How dangerous it is to do something 'good' for the sake of getting reputation, the vain glory and forget to love our brothers and sisters. As Our Lord warned us to do even the little things faithfully and in a pure and non-hypocritical manner, we live sincerely and don't wear mask. Sometimes the way of the enemy is very subtle. He tempts us in such way during critical times so that we might be disturbed by discontentment. And even he does so, that we might be inflamed in vanity by accusing us of being no good, unworthy, wretched and wrong,... so that we may be tempted to rise up and defend ourself : "No... I am good, worthy, holy and right..." Because of this when the devil accusing us of being unworthy, our best strategy to resist this is by simply to agree... Yes, you are right! There's no one Good but God and I place all my self-worth on His hands! Hands that were stretched out and pierced because He really loves the world (Father John Oliver's podcast: Descending in Humility).

Our joy, our peace and our true identity are neither dependent on external matters nor in the praise of others; nor in popularity, nor in money and possessions, nor in positions; nor in temporary pleasures, and achievements. Let Him be our truly Joy! "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" ( St. Mat. 16:26 NKJV). Let's learn from The Suffering Joseph ben Jacob, who endured all things in patience and fear of the Lord and found his true joy in Him. Let's learn from Holy Prophet Daniel who had integrity in heart. Let's learn and hope the intersection from our Beloved Lady Theotokos who was pure in heart and trust in the Lord all Her blessed life. And of course, let's follow the way of our Beloved Lord who is compassionate and full of Love.

Lord, have mercy. Grant us mindfulness; to be attentive to You and selective to what is Needful. When the desire of vain glory comes, let's remember what Holy Apostle Paul teaches us, "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col. 3:2-3).

And let it be that our life is hidden in Him :)

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

the love of others

There were four of us sitting at the table in the middle of the class among other students in Math Modelling class this morning. Little while before the class started, we received the grades for the mini quiz last week. I was a little bit anxious because I knew that I found the lengthy works of Differential equations with its fancy terms was not that easy. And it was. I got unsatisfactory result :D, which made me felt a little bit uncomfortable and yes, ashamed (in my weakness, at times I am a perfectionist).

And seeing this, one of my friend, (her name is Era) looked at me straightly after asking me what I got and said, "Yudhie, may be I can help you in this?" I responded, "Sure. That would be so helpful!" Then we figured out the time to study together, with another friend too.

Remembering that little conversation makes me realize how I have been forgetful that I am among others. It is not easy for me, either because of my shyness or even may be of my pride to ask my friends, "I need your help..." Rather I would prefer to do it alone and start being sad when I couldn't understand. Many times in my sinfulness, I like to 'help' others because that would make me feel worthy instead of revealing my struggle and to trust other to help and love me too. Lord, have mercy!

Glory to You O God for today.

At times, to love others doesn't mean me in the position of a 'hero' and thus I think 'I have done something!' which unfortunately could be a pitfall of pride. God in his wisdom allows the sadness and difficulties to keep us under His strong arm and not to trust to our own deceptive passions (of feeling has done something great out of my self) which leads only into misery. Let it be according to God's way and not mine... Therefore, once again I remember this beautiful and true words from my beloved brother, "For it is not only that we should love others, but that we should permit others to love us. What many do not understand, is that it is as much a grace of God poured into our hearts to let ourselves be loved, to accept the love of others, as it is a grace of God to love. Many do not accept our love, will not accept it, and rejecting our love, they not only turn away from us unworthy lovers, but they turn away from God Himself, who is the Only Lover of mankind, trying to love them through us His servants. This is another reason why I thank God for you every day: because you let me love you, and in some very small way minister to you by acts of kindness or generosity. Not me and mine, of course, but God's, whom I serve unworthily.

Because our unworthiness is swallowed up in the worthiness of Christ, who lives in us, and who does all these things. It is not we, but Christ living in us, who does every good act. We are like little children, naughty at times, but still following our big brother Jesus, and trying to do what we see Him doing, hoping that someday we will be more like Him. Jesus our older brother, though, is also our God and Savior. With a brother like that, can we do any better?" Ameyn!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

How precious, God, Your love!

How sweet O Lord, when the sound of Your Holy Name being chanted in the midst of Your beloved people. Lord, You love us with great and precious love. Day by day You never leave us, rather You guide us to the path of righteousness for Your namesake! Yes, You have been so faithful to Your humble servant. Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds...! Lord, I am so weak, unworthy and unreliable but You smile at me and show Your love. Glory to Thee, O Lord!

Lord, have mercy on me, because many times in my narrow-mindedness, I fail to see and to glorify Your precious Love. It is only by Your mercy, O Lord that I am here today with all that You allow to be. Only by Your faithfulness that I might breath now and have a time to stay and think about Your loving kindness. You have created me and I am Thine. Let Your will be done!

How great today, when I see the faithful brothers and sisters in the house of the Lord; it has been heartfelt joy to sing and praise God with them in our humble mission. But once again You have reminded me of Your faithfulness to Your lowly servant. Have mercy on us, O Lord! Have mercy on us.

the Fatigue

As a youth who sometimes becomes emotional and reactive, I realize that many of my energy I spend in the emotional area. Start with the anxiety both before and after class, in the interactions with friends and etc. To be honest, there's no more time and energy consuming in my days than my own busy thoughts. How easy it is for my mind to be distracted and start worrying about class, about this and about that. Lord, have mercy on me, grant my heart stillness before Thee and Thy remembrance be in my heart and mind!

Awaking from my bed early this morning, I grabbed a piece of simple paper with a very beautiful prayer written on it. That was the prayer of Metopolitan Philaret of Moscow. And there I sat at the edge of the bed and recited the prayer down line to line and I saw a word which feels different this time. Here is the line:

"... Give me the strength to bear the fatigue
of the coming day with all that it shall bring."

As soon as I finished, I stopped for a while, looking at the word which I was not really sure of the meaning. I reached my English-Indonesia dictionary and looked it up. There I saw the translation: "kelelahan, keletihan", the same Bahasa words to describe ' [the cause of] tiredness, exhaustion'. O, really O Lord, I need Thy mercy. Glory to Thee O God for Thy faithfulness in the exhausting days. Only in Thee alone is my truest rest.

Remembering the prayer, I smile and am glad to remember that God has been so faithful that He allows the things to come to me according to His wisdom. And I realize that it is my own doubts, worries, anxieties, desires which wear me out. Lord, have mercy! Grant my heart O Lord to trust You and do what Thou has entrusted me in peace of soul, in deligence and submission. And... Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring." For behind all that You allow to come, there is always Your purest love." Amen.

Why then should I worry of many cares? Only one thing is needful! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Exercise

I have just recovered from flu :), praise the Lord for His mercy and goodness! And I am so glad for this little time to write and reflect on the simple and little thing in His Faithfulness.
How good it is that God in His Greatness and yes, in His humility has invited us to follow His way and to learn from Him along our life. And thus, we find ourselves invited into the life of denial of the self; the exercise to limit ourselves and we fast, and do the spiritual exercises in a very practical manner. And once again, honestly I reflect where does it lead?

Of course, we are not being duty-based or legalistic in living such a participatory life, because once again it is an exercise and thus not an end in itself. It is not an 'external righteousness' i.e. the righteousness by fulfilling checklists. If so, then someone might boast of his 'achievements' for being such and such; and if so, what a mask that would be! Then where should it lead?

Foremost, it comes only from Him and His Love and it only leads to Him through the Holy Spirit. It leads into the narrow path. By those exercise, we learn to weep and to see our weaknesses, and to humble our souls before Him who are mighty. Once again we're reminded that we are human; where we're from; for Whom we must live and where we are to. And thus we submit ourselves to earnestly remember the Lord and open our Heart to the Holy Spirit to live in us. Thus we learn to be more dependent to Him and no more in our strength.

And in this produces joy and soberness. It leads us to make Him as the first and the center of our life and prepare us to receive the Holy Mysteries. And we realize that we really need His mercy and we weep before the Lord in heartfelt utterance, "Lord, have mercy," not only for oneself but embrace all. Being unmasked of weaknesses and sins, compunction comes to heart and he bows in contrition. It leads us to realize that how insufficient our own strength but God's mercy is so great, to the point we well up whenever we call on the Most Holy and Sweet name of Jesus.

Thus, through this we also remember those who are before God and pray for us, Our beloved Panagia, our Holy Fathers and Mothers and all The Saints. We come to alert that we will soon root out our tent here and be in the true home. We're awake and really long to come closer and closer to Him, and yet we realize more and more of the sins thus we cry like the woman who anointed Him, like the publican who bowed contritely and like the thief who was beside Him.

Lord, have mercy!