unloading

The wind is breezing very peacefully to my skin through the back door of my dorm. It's been very nice to have the white clouds spreading on the sky and the green leaves shaking as the wind passes through them. The nature is so simple, peaceful and honest. They simply receive what's given and give what they receive. Many times, I really need to learn from the movement and breath of the nature. Besides that, December is approaching soon so the mild wind and heavy rain could come interchangeably makes the heart becomes a little softer and sober toward the Christmas.

I am thinking of simplifying the things which have been quite scattered and reorganizing the messy things; kind of sorting out the materials which can be used immediately and the ones which can't (i.e. unnecessary ones) so that I can focus my mind on the things that's really important and needful (both physically and mentally). One thing that I notice is that I can't simply force myself into it too quickly. I need to do it very deliberately and according to the capacity otherwise it'll be quite unsuccessful. Keeping heart and mind in simplicity and as it is I hope will help to unload unnecessary cares and thoughts to focus on the Lord and his faithfulness.

when it's all about His love

There was the lighting candle procession in the Sunday Chapel today as the mark of first Advent weeks; weeks of penitence, expectation, excitement and preparation of the coming of Christ. It's very good for me to attend and listen to an encouraging sermon from Dr. Miller in the beginning of this season. One thing which sticks in my mind and speaks very beautifully to my soul is that everything in my life is about His unfailing love. No matter what happened in my life, even though it's not as pleasant as my sinful thought wishes, yet it's still the best ;).

The Love of God, so rich and pure... even though I am really undeserved to receive anything good, but I know that I simply can't live without His mercy and faithfulness. His love never fails and it is in Him I must wait and stay silent. It's the unloving heart of mine, the anti-critic attitude and coldness of my soul which make me really blind and lost. Lord, have mercy! May I live in it, even though it started with a little thought that everything tells of Your Goodness and mercy, but through my little words and actions that You allow, may I always depend on Your love as long as I live. Amen!

Looking up

Today we decorated our floor and room... Hm, no actually I just took very little part in it. I am not a diligent man and feeling not very good at physical works. It's been so nice to feel the nuance of Christmas and to hear and sing the Christmas songs the whole day. One of my favorite songs is "Veni, veni Emmanuel". That's very beautiful song for me during the season like this, with my friends in the dorm.

There are many things happen around me and most of them are mysterious. I really wish the simple things can make me happy and silent yet somehow I am being restless because of my own unwisdom. I am a kind of person which love to stick on something and wish that thing never change. I come to realize that it's unrealistic... so many things change and are not under my control :P. This is all in God's and He is good and He never changes. I need to constantly look up and asking for Him Who is beyond all understanding and wisdom.

The most uncomfortable moments that I need to deal with these days are the emotional storm! I feel very emotionally charged, the melancholic soul and mind helps me much to surf the up and down of the tantrum very quickly. Hmm, I am wondering and I am still hoping that I will pass through this path with the Lord in His abundant mercy so that I'll live detached with my unreliable feelings and survival instinct... It make me ashamed at times to realize that I spend most of my time and my life with myself. Well, it's just a thought and my thought is not very compatible with reality. So, I just count the days and when I see that it's not long, I know that He will work in me to do His will... Amen.

with others

One among many other crucial aspects in life I think is about how we get along with other people. We are commanded to love others, everybody just like we love ourselves. There are many occasions when I think very complex and sophisticate about how we deal with others' hearts and souls. The more complicated my thought, the harder it will be to have humble heart to welcome everybody in peace. I sense this kind of relation as I observed it from day to day living with my dorm-mates. Simplicity in heart, non-judgmental attitude toward others can be really helpful to reach others in love. Yet, sometimes that's what the hardest part I must face: my own presumptuousness and perceptions.

The most difficult part for me to tame is the urge to hurry and being reactive. It's the fact that I realized that to listen often need self-discipline and constrain. Especially when the unpleasant part of me is being revealed, such as being 'lazy man', 'unskilled man', etc, I will be automatically react. I know I am still young and not experienced, may the Lord smoothen my heart to see beyond what it appears, so that the love is still being grown in my heart for His glory.

Inner peace, overlooking the mispronounces and weaknesses of others is what the Lord leading me through. I want to thank Him for everyone whom He has allowed to train me and ask His forgiveness for my failures and reactive attitude. Lord, have mercy! It's very interesting though that when I feel inadequate and flee to the Lord, He helped me with unspeakable mercy. It has taught me that I can not rely on my own efforts and power to move, it's only by His mercy and faithfulness. May the Lord bless everybody according to His wisdom and love! Ameyn!

Clinging to the Lord

There is a special part of my mundane days that I think I will miss when I leave this campus. That's when I go down stair from the library to go for lunch. I don't know why, even though I have passed the same route from time to time but I can feel the difference, fresh sights which can make my mind recharged. The reason for that is because I love to meet my friends and other young people who are interacting to each other. It's just really good for me personally.

Sometimes though, I found myself in the difficult part of this young life, especially when I look into myself a bit much, being discouraged and overwhelmed. That's when the pain of loneliness and emptiness creeping unexpectedly. In those times, it's not difficult for me to escape and skip the reality. I want to jump as quick as I can to that undisturbed solitude and confinement, to kind of skip the pain and wipe the grief.

How many times should I be reminded of Beloved Christ and the Holy Cross? He Who is God-Man, suffered the most pains and unutterable miseries. Yet, how faithful and full of love He stayed still. He loved, cared and looked after his neighbors and even His enemies steadily, unconditionally and undisturbed. Yes, most astoundingly, even He spoke peace and forgiveness even when His pure Hands were pierced with nails on the cross. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You! Christian life will only made possible when we abide in Him and He is in us, since out of Him we can do nothing.

It's like in the harsh wilderness of fallen world, when the vipers of pain and despair bit us, we need to look upon Him and be alive. Let every single sigh and each drop of tears from this weary soul be the fountain of repentance and myrrh gushed out from our longing of True Joy! "Open your lips, O Israel that I may fill your mouth with my mercy!" How beautiful it is that He faithfully sustains His servants and desires the repentance of all. To Him we flee in every moments in life: in joy and sorrow, in health and sickness, in smile and cry.... He is Joy beyond Joy! When we trust our lives to the loving secret Hands of the Lord, then our eyes will be opened and granted vision like His: full of compassion.

My Dad who loves me so much, likes to say, "Always welcome everybody which the Lord send you with kindness and respect, Son!" It's simple and true. And it's only possible when we have that compassionate heart from the Lord! For all things that the Lord send me on my way and for His faithfulness which is beyond my thoughts and heartbeat, Glory to God! Ameyn!

Thank the Lord for the birthday!

War at the exit door

Among the wolves and lions
snakes kiss my legs
I stepped outside through the gate of red
above the stream of fresh water
thus I jumped into water and the fish lift me up
fish with big scales

Fall on me O bridge
tear me down till I am no more
Fish, do you have that cure
I want to drink it
and sleep long

Water in
water in
fill me till I am one with you
breath you in
breath you out

war at exit door
now I have been at the gate
with your sword, stub me O brightest hero
and throw me to the river