not too much, nor too little

Looking at the cloudy day, and feeling the rising of the temperature today makes me expect the the delayed rain. It can be very exhausting actually especially in the mid-day. I stared out the window and I realize that many of my friends are going somewhere, to their hometowns. Yet it's still the first week of the semester break so praise God that I am still enthusiastic for what will come next!
Recently many things the Lord has allowed to happen and that makes me very glad. Yet, it is always in my mind to love the ordinariness of anything. I am not really sure if I am using a correct word for this. It reminds me of what my best friend said, "Be moderate, brother and don't loose your temper". A very wise instruction it is.
It's always gladsome to experience such exciting moments, those events which triggers our strong emotional responses. And as a youth, I find myself in kind of attraction to anything 'different', sensational or unusual. It might be called a uniqueness, but can also move beyond that, something really extraordinary. And I believe that everybody has this kind of uniqueness, they're awesome. Just like medicine, this might be good to refresh our minds to try or experience something new, but once it gets too much or if it happens to be too little, that can be harmful. These extremes can bring us into state of severe boredom because of its too high predictability or impulsive addiction, craving for the emotional sensations. In short, this makes me convinced that moderation is precious!

The Lord is very awesome because He gives us what we need very wisely and timely. Everything has its own time. A Time to weep, a time to smile. A time to walk among crowds and a time to be alone. A time to listen, a time to speak a few words. A time to labor, a time to rest. "Because it is the will of God Himself that all His faithful servants rejoice in good and grieve at sin." All is sufficient and 'moderate'!

Lord, Your Love always makes me amazed! Glory to Thee O Lord, for all things! Ameyn!

Gaze at You...

My elders taught me, when I was a youth, to cling to heaven and earth, lest I stumble. For a long time I remained a child, and for a long time I used to lean on the crutch that they gave me.

But once eternity flooded through me and I felt like a stranger in the world, heaven and earth snapped in two in my hands like a frail reed.

O Lord, my strength, how frail are heaven and earth! They look like palaces built of lead, but they evaporate like water in the palm of the hand in Your presence. Only by their bristling do they conceal their frailty, and frighten uneducated children.

Get out of my sight, suns and stars. Sunder yourselves from the earth. Do not entice me, women and friends. What help can I receive from you, who are helplessly growing old and sinking into the grave?

All your gifts are an apple with a worm in its core. All your potions have passed through someone's entrails many times. Your garments are a cobweb that my nakedness mocks. Your smiles are a proclamation of sorrow, in which your feebleness is screaming to mine for help.

O Lord, my strength, how feeble heaven and earth are! And all the evil that men do under heaven is an admission of feebleness and—infirmity.

Only someone strong dares to do good. Only someone who is nourished and watered with You, my strength, is filled with strength for goodness.

Only someone who sleeps in Your heart knows rest. Only someone who plows before Your feet will enjoy the fruit of his labors.

My childhood, nourished with fear and ignorance, came to an end; and my hope in heaven and earth vanished.

Now I only gaze at You and cling to Your gaze in return, O my cradle and my resurrection.

St. Nikolai Velimirovich, Prayers by the Lake:IV
c.f. FOCUS UNSW blog

morning walk

Our dorm is very busy recently, while we are in the time just before the semester break. The time is ticking so fast and it's like being in a hurry. I have just finished my intensive class of Statistics and some other activities, really only because of Lord's kindness that I might pass through them. There's no any other beautiful day but being with Faithful and Great Lord!

I take this special time to stop by here. I have not posted anything for a long time in this clumsy blog! But one song which I always chant here in my heart, The Lord is very faithful and merciful.

On the morning as I walked and looking at the green park, my youth friends with their energies, smiles and enthusiasm, I pondered in my heart. How the Lord loves us greatly. Sometimes in my ignorance I tend to think that it is what I do or what I have which matters. But the more I walk behind Him; I realize that his love is pure and unconditional. If all that's with me and all I 'have' are gone, what am I? My identity is not on those things, but hidden in Christ. Outside Him I can do nothing. It's in Him we move, we live and we have our being.

Life is pure gift from God. And He alone knows perfectly of who we are in Him. Yet it is my weakness which makes me think that I am this or that, and many times my life is not what I think. Lord, help me in all times to rely upon Your Holy Will, to act wisely and firmly without embarrassing and embittering others, those whom You love. You have shown us the Light, and our hearts can't stop to seek to be in Your Light. You have led us into Your Truth and our hearts are thirsty and hungry for Your righteousness. Being in You, my heart finds rest, and let it be so unto eternity. How gladsome it is that this life is not about me or what I can do or what I have, but that this life is about You and Your mighty love! Blessed be Your Holy Name, O Lord! Ameyn.

Holy is God!

The Lord reigns
He is mighty and wondrous
let all the nations and peoples
and all creation tremble
Even though I am crushed
and enemies oppressed me
The Lord reigns
His power never fails, stronger than death
Blessed be His name, now and always

The Lord reigns
let His servants rejoice
and bend their knees and hearts
beholding His glory and kissing His Holy Feet
so fragrant, so great
He shines, much brighter than sun

His greatness in Love, His greatness in Mercy
His greatness in Humility, His greatness in Gentleness
Great is the Lord!

He loves justice
and caring for the oppressed
He uplifts one and humbles the other
in each step, in each word, in each deed
Great is He and His love endures forever

His Mercy is abundant
O, Israel open your mouth that the Lord might fill with it
He remembers his covenant and be mindful of His beloved's weaknesses
He forgives and with His astonishing grace He wrapped your wounds
Set your hearts, minds, strength upon His Great Countenance,
Joyfully listen to and follow Him and abide in His commandments
Let His love heal you and purify you
because He is good!

Holy, Holy, Holy is The Lord God!

Remember the Name of the Lord

This is the most thing that I remember from my mother, especially when she was very ill of her sickness. There is not other time in my past days that was more frightening and breaking my heart than to see my suffering mom laid on the bed and I was like couldn't do anything. Just saw her all the night from the edge of my bed which could be really tiresome, agonizing. I was really wish the morning quickly come and I could make a soup for her so that she could have the power to face another day, I thought in my simple mind.

My mom was very quiet to endure her sickness, even when she often being unconscious. I was just too young to understand what happened to her and I just prayed for her for strength and comfort, making soup and took care for her in my weaknesses. But this was the sweetest moment I experienced with her those time; she asked me to sing her favorite song "Ingat akan Nama Yesus" (Take the Name of Jesus with you) to comfort her. I would sing and she would become peaceful, then took her rest. O, my suffering mom, how Lord really loves you!

Take the Name of Jesus with you,
Child of sorrow and of woe,
It will joy and comfort give you;
Take it then, wherever you go

Refrain:
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.

Mom, too many days I found you silently bearing your pain, hunger and thirst in love, joy and hope! Thank you for taking care of me too for so long time and teaching me very faithfully. Yes, Mom I will take the most precious Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, wherever I go. It's not me, yet who is able to do so... Only in the Lord's mercy, only by His grace and mercy toward His unworthy servant such as me then strength I find, just as He faithfully kept you until your tent on earth was uprooted. I wished you're here with me now seeing and rejoicing for what Our Great Lord is doing! He is good and His love endures forever! Ameyn!

Happy birthday, Mom! Memory eternal!

Near Thee

In the dawn I woke up because I would have the Calculus exam soon this morning. The subject is not very easy and I could be very anxious about it, especially during the exam week. My mind can be so burdened and it's the time when all the anxiety, fear and sighs came together and made me very nervous and wanted to escape. Yet, this is the reality, inevitably, I dealt with it, with Lord's mercy.

At times, I was struck by the feeling of incompetence, unworthiness, incapability, uselessness, etc. And in fact, I wonder why such feelings are still striking for me? It's been so true in me and I don't need to defense, nothing surprising at all. Yes, I am unworthy and I can't rely on my own strength and understanding, it's my part to trust the Lord and only listen what He says which always true.

I took a special time to stand before the holy icons of the Lord and His Saints, kissing them reverently and said my prayers. In my heart, I cried

"Lord, behold your incapable and feeble servant
May Thou not be ashamed of my unworthiness
Too many things I did were very poor
and I dare not to look up and see the richness of your glory

I flee unto Thee, Who art mighty and strong
and adoring Thy unconditional Love
May the heart of Thy servant be filled with the praise of Thy amazing Love
Too great and wonderful for me to utter

As I step into the fierce warfare today
I know my weakness, my feet are tremble
so easy for me to fall and be crushed

Lord, this I plea
Be Thou near me
because only in Thee my heart calm
and may Thou givest me wisdom

Near Thee, Near Thee
When Thou put me behind
let me follow Thee ardently and joyfully
When Thou put me before Thee
let me kneel and bow reverently
When Thou art in my side
give me strength and courage
to be crucified with Thee

Lord, this I plea
to be near with Thee
wherever Thou wants
and follow Thee until the end

In the golden ray of dawn
in the warmth of morning sun
in the heat of day light
in the rain and in the storm
in the darkest time
be with me, Lord and never let me alone

Glory to Thee, O God! Glory to Thee
Let me put my trust in Thee for Thou art my God!
Amen!

Rememberance of death

The time of my death is a mystery, but I know for sure that I will die one day. May be today, tomorrow, or whenever it is God himself who knows. And for everything which is beyond me and beyond my understanding, I give them up all to the Lord, the owner of my life.

I keep thanking the Lord that he has given me these 21 years, since my first day on this world. In his faithfulness, it is Him who has vouchsafed me to go through a long, long way in the thorny and drought lands. Yet, in Him all those opportunities and providence He provides for His glory to be revealed. And the more I think, the more I feel that this has been too long for me to live. Yes, for me 21 years are so very long! It is in the day where the yoke which the Gracious Lord has trained me with, instead of chains, and glory to Him for all things. I have lived my life so unworthily since I was born with too many weaknesses but also strengths but my negligence in far more still.

But what can hinder His power to manifest through His humble servant? Lord, I am so unworthy but for the sake of Your mercy, keep me for I am Yours. Forgive me, Lord for the mule is smarter than me, because he may bear all things in silence, meekness and patience while me in carelessness. How I have been less than the birds in praising You in Your greatness. How ants have been much more diligent than Thy lowly servant. Only O Lord, help me! You have given me life and today You spare my life in Your Love. While waiting the day of Your coming, also while waiting for the end of my life in this earth, let all glory belongs to You! Remember O Lord, in Thy Mercy all those who have loved me so much, grant them consolation and Thy blessings when at any time I have to fall asleep, not only them, but also those who hate me and wants my end, Lord bless them!

Lord, have mercy!