Update: Trip experience

How happy I am for having again an opportunity to write something in this unworthy blog! And by the way, I am still in Central Java and planning to celebrate the Christmas here, so I will go back to Jakarta on January 08.

Glory to God! I have a very peaceful time here in the house of Father Alexios. What a beauty to be so near with the Church and faithful brothers and sisters. I learn about the Orthodox way of live here through their lives; in prayers, witness, sincerity and hospitality and love! Father Alexios spends sometime with me in the morning to explain and teach me from the Holy Scriptures. I was also given the opportunity to serve as an altar boy together with some brothers here! What a great training. Presbytera Heleni has been like my own mother for me. She's very kind and gentle. I learn how to make a prayer rope from her. And finally I made a 75 knots prayer rope and I will save it and bring it to Tangerang!

The supports from our faithful brothers and sisters here is also encouraging. I meet more and more Orthodox youths from this city (about 20 or even 30 youths at about my age)! And it is also very good to know and live in one house Mas Johan, Mas Indra and Esti and also Mbak Ike (a big family)! Tomorrow I will attend the blessing service for the new opened restaurant of one of brothers! I really love to be here to see how God has been so faithful protecting, preserving and increasing His beloved Church in Indonesia.

And although in fact I am a shy person and not very easy to communicate, that is sometimes speaking tottered and not easy to innitiate a conversation, but the Lord is very faithful! May Your Love made perfect in my weaknesses O Lord. The coming days will be so prayerful days as the time moves, new year comes and also theDay of Lord's Nativity! I really wish to be able to write again!

Glory to You, O God! Please pray for me brothers and sisters, Yudhie the sinner! My unworthy prayers be with you!

Greetings from Solo, Central Java

This vacation, I am very glad for an unexpected opportunity to go to Solo! And right now I am staying in Father Alexios' house to learn more and more about Church life. I depart from Jakarta this afternoon and arrived at about 6 pm. What an exciting journey! As I arrived, I was invited to attend the beautiful Vesper Service.

The The brothers and sisters here welcomed me very warmly. I met Esty and Mas Indra, Father Alexios' son and daughter about the same age with me. They're very friendly and we become friends then! I will attend the Divine Liturgy tomorrow together with them in the Holy Trinity Church (which is beside this house! :D). Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

not I but Christ living in me

I have been realizing how easy it is for me to get distracted away from my focus to follow the greatest Master of all who lovest mankind. It doesn't need great storm to make me disturbed but only the simple thing may made me helpless when I am trapped in self-pity and if I trust in my own strength (which is always insufficient) to deal with even the slightest thing during the day or even to make a spiritual labor as the ego thinks, "well I'll try my best to do it or that in my way'. And this results the tendency of displeasure, impatience or anger if an obstacle intervenes, that is when anything doesn't go as 'I' want.

And I found that it is very tricky, and the subtle line of self-satisfaction can lead to the self-righteousness, as the temptation comes to think that we're 'good enough' or in feeling right. Just like when we think that we're humble but actually not, or when we think we're not, yet actually yes, by His grace. Only One is Good!

Only Jesus who lives in us can do all these things for us. Rest completely in Him, beloved, and let His life be your only joy. Then all other things and people will be sent to you, as He sends them.
Glory to Thee O God!

Once again this beautiful reminder clinging in my heart,

"Brother, do not worry too much about humility. It isn't something we can "grow" through our own efforts or will power. By all means, always take the humble and lowest place, but not to gain humility or even to demonstrate it. Seek Christ always first, and do what you see Him doing in your spirit, and accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life."

and this words touch my heart so poignantly,

To truly believe you are nothing, you forget yourself completely, and think only of the other. We reach this state of belief only rarely, and then lose it as quickly as we see ourselves reflected in something else again, or in someone. Then, without realizing it, we remember ourselves again, and abandon forgetfulness, and we again can say, "I am nothing."

Lord, have mercy on me a sinner! Truly O Lord, Let Thy Life be my only joy, may Thou live in me and I in Thee, now and ever and unto the ages of ages! Amen!

a little beautiful quote

Thanksgiving is a wall of protection against anxiety – for how can we fear that for which we give thanks? Thanksgiving is the oil of gladness that anoints and heals the saddened heart. Thanksgiving is the solemn rebuke of the wayward energy of our anger.

Guard your heart. Let nothing rob you of your humanity. Let nothing destroy the peace of your heart. With true philotimo rejoice in the presence of God.

I quoted those words from Father Stephen's blog. Thanks Father Stephen!

Glory to Thee O God! Thou who art Worthy of all praises, glory and honor, before Whom nothing is hidden! Glory to Thee.

How merciful art Thou, O Lord...

Once again I am amazed toward God's faithfulness to me the unworthy one! Because instead of my nothingness, He grant me His mercy and He has lead me into His Way, Truth and Life. Day by day in his kairos time He let me to learn although in my poverty of heart and mind, I am slow to understand, but truly Thou art faithful. Lord, how great it is to remember Thy Love and Mercy.

I am very glad this week receiving a box of gifts from my great friend consist of lovely things which will help me to learn and warm my heart in love toward God! I am very happy for that! And for this week when I have the remaining two weeks to finish up the assignments for this semester, I am very thankful for a little time He grants me to read the book "Basic Orthodoxy" by Anthony M Coniaris. A very great book for me personally because of its simplicity and yet deep and thoughtful explanation of Orthodox frameworks mainly focusing on the Liturgical life of the Church.

In reading the very beginning part of this book, my heart was touched by the explanation about the kronos and kairos, and I recommend brother Romanos' posting explaining about this. Glory to Thee, O God!

Intermezo: the rambutans

It's December! The drops of rain blur the windows and everything becomes so green. Sometimes the scene is accompanied with the fresh smell of the earth. I remembered when I was a little boy in this season. It was a very special month because the weather is very mild and the fruits are everywhere.

In our old house, we had some mangoes trees, cacao, and also rambutan. And the favourite one among those fruits is the rambutan. I remember how my sister and me together harvested and collected the fruits into baskets and my mother would bind its bunches and we ate it with whoever stopped by. Until now, when December comes I really miss the opportunity to eat rambutans with my friends, and that reminds me to them.

And besides our home, there were some yellow lilies which my dear mom loved so much. It had the orange buds and my neighbors used to call it "Lilie Kasoem". The rains might be fall so frequently that although some of my neighbors still went to the field (usually they went very early at about 4 a.m. and went home at 5 p.m.) but some of us stayed at home and that was a very good opportunity for me to write anything in my mind (I liked writing, although it's so very simple!).

As the December comes, my small village in Sumatra island would be very muddy and humid. And the road would be so slippery and difficult to access. But as a child I really enjoyed to play in that mud with my friends and would suddenly stop when our parents sought after us and asked us not to play since it was not safe.

Just a little memory of childhood :)! Lord, season after season Thou has been so faithful! Let Thy praise be always in my mouth and my heart. Glory to Thee O God, Glory to Thee.

Abiding in Him

This morning I was very glad for being able to talk online with my great friend and I am always glad that Merciful God made me known to him. A friendship is indeed a very beautiful gift from God. He is love and He provides every opportunity and moment in our life to love Him and those around us or even those whom we never expected and yet God reveals to us to be our friends. God's ways are often unpredictable and wondrous.

And our part in this is to let Him works through us, and lives in us that His glory shines. He is the true light and even in our weaknesses but for His name sake, He also called us the light (and salt) of the world. And it comes true in the lives of saints of the Church. And when I am contemplating in a very simple mind and manner, the Lord let me to see that this is the common thing among them, just as St. John the Forerunner in great humility said, "He (Christ) must become greater and I become less". In another word, they abandoned themselves into his love as our Church Fathers used to say, and walked obediently and humbly in the Path of Truth.

And the process is not instant and is through the narrow way, the way which is unpopular and unfavorable to the world, because it requires the denial of the self. It is to go down to humility into which the devil is not able to enter because of the swells of pride. It is the way which will crush the old way of life and make the heart contrite and gentle. It is the way of Christ, and thus our way too to live by His divine grace.

O, Thy mercy O Lord, I plea. I rejoice for Thou hast lead me into Thine Holy Church which shepherds Thy rational flock in the Truth and make us live such experiential faith in Thee. Glory to Thee.

Thy Will be done! And grace my mind and heart O Lord, that Thy servant may welcome each opportunity and moment which Thou has provided during this life to love Thee with all my heart and soul and to love those whom Thou sent without grumbling or judging. And may Thou become greater and I become less. Amen!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

His love endures forever

His love endures forever!
both now and ever and unto the ages of ages
both in the morning when the sun rises and birds sing their praises
and in the night His mighty hands sustain and comfort

How compassionate,
how merciful art Thou O Lord
so near with those who invoke Thy Holy Name faithfully and fervently
who have your Name in-scripted in their hearts
Your love embraces all and in all

Lord,
my soul leaps in joy to see Thy wonders and mercy to the unworthy one like me
for Thy blessing in many ways
for the smiles and tears,
for such hard times and many things which I could not understand
Your Love always there

Lord, may Thou protect Thy beloved servants in Thy Goodness!
Alleluia!

being simple in mind

I sat down for awhile to see what happened 'here and now'. Sometimes, due lots of distractions during the day and many activities which absorb our attention almost solely could be very subtle veil for the anxiety, worries and anger to intrude and attack my mind. The result is the weariness and bitterness of the heart. And once again I am reminded about the story of Lord Jesus' visit to Bethany, about Mary who sat down under his feet, listen to Him carefully and Martha who was being busy.

While remembering this, I am also contemplating the works of a monk, who labors so obediently to humble his body and thus humble his mind and heart before God. There's no contradiction here between prayer and work, but what makes the difference is the heart's disposition toward the Lord. Is He in the center of our desire and longing, that is to seek first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness with great hunger and thirst? And since we are abandoning ourselves to the Lord, and attentively listen to His faithful words, the light and guide for our every step, then why do we need to worry about our own cares, for we are in the Hands of Him Who created all things, Who cares of our very life and needs?

And for us now, and for me personally, what does that mean? It means to trust Him beyond every cares and worries, to be a simple child before Him; full of fear and trembling and yet be filled with amazement and honesty, being simple in mind and heart, and regard as nothing our own 'wisdom' and 'self-attachment' compared with His wisdom and His Wonderful acts. And therefore, it is no more our own efforts which generates our heart to face every experience and in being spiritual men and women, instead it is His Grace which we long and desire that we may abide in it and participate in His Life. It means to be attentive and watchful, that is to be prayerful and subdue our body to always have the remembrance of God and fear of Him. It is good and important to pull myself out and hide in the locked room in my heart and to cry out for mercy and lift up praises unto Him so frequently, and thus being aware of what is here and now and searching our hearts carefully before Him to Whom nothing is hidden. It means to follow closely behind Him and say yes whenever He asks.

Glory to You O Lord! Glory to You!
Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

True repentance: the story of St. James the Persian's ten fingers

O, holy saint of Christ! How could I not wonder of your love for the loving Lord, our King and God!

James was born of Christian parents in the Persian city of Elapa (or Vilat), brought up in the Christian Faith and married to a Christian woman. The Persian King Yezdegeherd took a liking to James for his talents and skillfulness, and made him a noble at his court. Flattered by the king, James was deluded and began offering sacrifices to the idols that the king worshiped. His mother and wife learned of this, and wrote him a letter of reproach in which they grieved over him as an apostate and one who was spiritually dead. Yet, at the end of the letter, they begged him to repent and return to Christ. Moved by this letter, James repented bitterly, and courageously confessed his faith in Christ the Lord to the king. Angered, the king condemned him to death by a special torture: his entire body was to be cut up, piece by piece, until he breathed his last. The executioners fulfilled this command of the wicked king to the letter, and cut off James's fingers, then his toes, his legs and arms, his shoulders, and finally his head. During every cutting, the repentant martyr gave thanks to God. A sweet-smelling fragrance, as of a cypress, emanated from the wounds. Thus, this wonderful man repented of his sin and presented his soul to Christ his God in the Kingdom of Heaven. James suffered in about the year 400. His head is to be found in Rome and a part of his relics in Portugal, where he is commemorated on May 22.

***

When the executioners severed the thumb of St. James's right hand, he said: ``Even a vine is pruned in this manner, so that in time a young branch may grow.'' At the severing of his second finger, he said: ``Receive also, O Lord, the second branch of Thy sowing.'' At the severing of his third finger, he said: ``I bless the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.'' At the severing of his fourth finger, he said: ``O Thou who acceptest the praise of the four beasts [symbols of the four evangelists], accept the suffering of the fourth finger.'' At the severing of the fifth finger, he said: ``May my rejoicing be fulfilled as that of the five wise virgins at the wedding feast.'' During the severing of the sixth finger, he said: ``Thanks be to Thee, O Lord, Who at the sixth hour stretched out Thy most pure arms on the Cross, that Thou hast made me worthy to offer Thee my sixth finger.'' At the severing of the seventh finger, he said: ``Like David who praised Thee seven times daily, I praise Thee through the seventh finger severed for Thy sake.'' At the severing of the eighth finger, he said: ``On the eighth day Thou Thyself, O Lord, wast circumcised.'' At the severing of the ninth finger, he said: ``At the ninth hour, Thou didst commend Thy spirit into the hands of Thy Father, O my Christ, and I offer Thee thanks during the suffering of my ninth finger.'' At the severing of the tenth finger, he said: ``On a ten-stringed harp I sing to Thee, O God, and thank Thee that Thou hast made me worthy to endure the severing of the ten fingers of my two hands, for the Ten Commandments written on two tablets.'' Oh, what wonderful faith and love! Oh, the noble soul of this knight of Christ!

(quoted from The Prologue from Ohrid by St. Nikolai Velimirovich)

O Saint James the true repentant, pray to God for us!

taking refuge in Thee

The time comes to me when I am out of word, I can't tell what I am thinking and feeling sufficiently, my mind is burdened with the cares and is exhausted. And for awhile, there is a great temptation of being self-pity and irritable. The force is so great that it oppressed me greatly. Lord, have mercy!

But Lord, then the remembrance of Thy kindness and faithfulness to me Thou put in my heart. And once again Thou remind me that I am Thine own, Thou hast shown Thy love so greatly. How could I forget them. Thou art merciful Lord! Let Thy will governs all and let me to greet all things with peace of soul. Behold my miserable soul, burdened by sins; Lord have mercy on me, heal me O Lord by Thy mercy. And Glory to Thee O Lord, because the words that Thou put on Thy Holy servant comfort my soul so greatly:

"Yahweh, may my cry approach your presence;
let your word endow me with perception!
May my entreaty reach your presence;
rescue me as you have promised.

May my lips proclaim your praise
since you teach me your statutes.
May my tongue recite your promise,
since all your commandments are righteous.

May your hand be there to help me,
since I have chosen your percepts.
I long for you, Yahweh my saviour,
your Law is my delight.

Long may my soul live to praise you,
long be your rulings my help!
I am wandering like a lost sheep:
come and look for your servant.

No, I have never forgotten your commandments" (Psalm 118:169-176 JB)

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

a messanger of grace

This morning, I got a very beautiful moment with my friend to watch the Les Miserables from the DVD which we borrowed from our Canadian lecturer. We really enjoyed so much that film and for me personally even though it's a classical story, but that's the first time for me to really watch it. And I praise the Lord once again for still allowing me to share my life among my friends here.

Recently this week, I have been reading such amazing stories of Holy Patriarch Pavle and until now, I am still amazed. To read about his humility, holiness, purity and his whole life is really a great joy and blessing. Glory to Thee, O God! I couldn't hold my tear of amazement to hear the stories. What a saint! Here are some stories posted by brother Romanos (click) here and here and Father Milovan here and here.

And glory to God for allowing me to have this little time to reflect and glorify Him for His love and faithfulness for me the unworthy one. Lord, How great art Thou among Thy saints! It's amazed me to be reminded that Thou sought us in humility, came to our lowliness and even visited us in our pain to bear our pain and invited us to Thy very life. It's amazed me to see Thy servant as a messenger of grace: expecting pain so obediently, so that he might be a great help for those who are suffering, to bring them into Thy eternal green pastureland. Like Christ Who is full of compassionate and mercy, wholeheartedly with open hand received and being friend of 'sinners' and the rejected, restored them, healed them and above all, giving them and us Life, he kept much silent for his own cares and looked after those whose God loves so deeply.

Lord, grant me the unworthy one a gentle and compassionate heart in following Thy step
Gladly knowing that I am Thine
Joyfully follow Thy steps even though the world hates us so deeply,
Lord, grace my poor mind to expect the pain, any spiritual pain in each moment
if in that pain I might be like Thee and behind Thee
to be attracted to Thy Holy Will
to be crucified with Thee
so that I might see Thee in awe and love
see others compassionately and burned with love
to stay with them, to feel their longing for Thee
to love them as Thou Thyself love me and them greatly!
Lord have mercy on me, Thy unworthy servant!
Amen.

Holy Martyr Plato

This morning, while reading the life of the saint of the day, I am amazed with this great story of Holy Martyr Plato in The Prologue from Ohrid by St. Nikolai Velimirovich:

Plato was from the town of Ancyra in Galatia. He was a Christian by birth and upbringing. While in his youth, he showed great perfection in every virtue. Plato did not conceal his faith in Christ the Lord, but preached it openly, denouncing idolaters because of their worshiping lifeless objects in place of the Living Creator. For this, he was brought to trial before Governor Agrippinus, and was interrogated and harshly tortured by him. When the governor counseled him to avoid death and save his life by worshiping the idols, Plato said: "There are two deaths, the one temporal and the other eternal; so also are there two lives, one of short duration and the other without end.'' Then Agrippinus subjected him to even harsher tortures. Among other tortures, red-hot cannon balls were set on the saint's naked body; then they cut strips from his skin. "Torture me more harshly,'' the martyr cried out to the torturers, "so that your inhumanity and my endurance may be seen more clearly.'' When the torturer reminded the martyr that his namesake, Plato the philosopher, was a pagan, the martyr replied: ``I am not like Plato, nor is Plato like me except in name. I learn and teach the wisdom of Christ, but Plato was a teacher of wisdom that is foolishness to God.'' After that, Plato was thrown into prison, where he remained for eighteen days without food and water. When the guards were amazed that Plato was able to live in hunger for so long, he told them: "You are satisfied by meat, but I, by holy prayers. Wine gladdens you, but Christ the True Vine gladdens me.'' Plato was beheaded in about the year 266 and received his wreath of eternal glory.

Refreshed and recharged :D

Finally, the 'biggest' yet also 'the loftiest' project of this month was done today :D. And that was the Classroom Action Research for Pedagogy 2 course. This was 'big' not because of its greatness, the result, etc. anyway but because it needed lots of work. And literally, that made me exhausted and my friends as well. And yet now it's 'done' it is like giving a relieve and time to take a deep breath, while preparing for another projects and assignments until the next holiday on December 17.

And I have just been recovered from seasonal flu and feel a bit more healthy today. Praise the Lord. I am just amazed how God is very faithful both in the hard time or in ease. And shame on me because I am easily tempted to seek comfort zone, pleasure and a kind of 'relieve' for myself. Yet I realize that living in this world is a constant battlefield to tramples the passions, to deny the self and submit ourselves to Christ and to one another, therefore it's always good to keep awake and be vigilance in prayers in every time both at ease or in the turbulent time, asking his mercy upon us, so that we might not be immoderate in the enjoyable moment and not despair in hard time.

And once again, I am amazed with the greatness of the incomprehensible wisdom of God Who allowest us to face each experience in this life for the sake of our salvation, that's never more than what we can bear. Even when it is something which is not in accordance to our wishes, but if it is according to His will, let it be! It's always good to bear patiently and without grumbling everything in Him because through those kinds of suffering and afflictions He purifies our souls and pours out his mercy for us to bear them in His love to draw us nearer to Himself through the narrow way. Indeed everything which are in us now is because of his love!

Therefore, both in the sweet time with friends, brothers and sisters and in the hard time of suffering and sorrow, let's always remember God who loves us so greatly and invoke His Holy name in each time.

For me this time, it's been a good and peaceful time, but the battlefield against the passions, lethargy, desires and against pride in the flesh knows no rest, therefore I ask God to grace my unworthy heart and mind to abide in Him: to see Him more clearly, to love Him more dearly and to follow Him more nearly day by day.

Lord, have mercy on us!

Unworthy Yudhie is 21

Today is my birthday. 21 years ago, it was a miserable day for my family, the time when a premature and burdensome baby was born into this earth bringing so much toil and sorrow to those around him, to his Mom and sister and also to everybody around him. But he's born and by God's mercy, he's persevered, and that baby is me.

There are so many stories, of which some are sorrowful and even I forgot, but I am very surprised that I am still alive until now, since I supposed I am not. I am aware that I am but dust and ashes, mean nothing. And here am I, still with my nothingness crawl through the misery of this fallen world.

It is His merciful hands Which preserve and give me strength, lead me through in every moment although I am not worthy. In each smile and laughter, in every tear and loneliness. Even until now, when the world deserted me and sway me from one place to another, but I trust Him, my Creator. He has breathed life into me. Lord, if it is according to your will, take me O Lord from this world, but I am very unworthy and fear to stand before Thee because of my many sins. But Lord, let Thy will be done so that I'll not sin even more.

I am nothing. Lord, have mercy!

writing and not writing

This week has been a very good week for me personally although I am a little bit overwhelmed with many papers and assignments (and I would say that I am not alone in this, since my friends are also in the same condition). And when I got a little time to look at this humble blog in which I write a little contemplation in almost daily basis, I was moved to write something. Yet, I don't know what will this post end up with.

But, first of all I want to praise God for this little tool which has been a place where I can take a little time to reflect, to tell the stories and even to write prayers. Actually this blog doesn't matter, but knowing God and the knowledge of Him does matter. And if through this little space the thoughts can be shared, our witnesses of God's Love can be expressed, friendships emerged, prayers and encouragements for each other being longed, and above all, it leads to brotherly love then how beautiful it is!

Thus, I would like also to thank all of my beloved friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and even also all the visitors of this little and unworthy blog both 'accidentally' arrived or lovingly and intentionally visit: thank you. I have never expected this clumsy writing to be a good media to share our faith and hope like this before. As you can see how with simple and even sometimes with monotonous English and often repeated words I tried to express my struggle, feeling and concerns about the day that The Lord allows me to go through to follow Him.

These past days, I was exhausted by flu and by responsibilities I must bear in my studies here as a scholarship student. And that somehow made me not writing. But realizing that I have decided that this little blog to be used as a little reflection of Lord's faithfulness, then I would have another refreshment to continue it and hopefully it somehow can be a little story for whoever wants to hear.

Forgive me brothers and sisters, if somehow I have offended you or being too sophisticate with the things that I don't really understand but I had treated it as if I understood. And just want you to know that each single visit, comment, encouragement and prayer are highly appreciated.

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Teach me Thy Love

getThe Lord has been loving me so greatly, but I am still burdened with my own affairs and desires and dreams. The Lord has loved me by sparing nothing even His own life and with great humility. Lord, have mercy on me a sinner!
Once again the life story of Joseph came into my mind and I was reminded with his integrity, faithfulness and fear of God.

Lord,
when Thou allowest me to feel the happiness
let my heart to rejoice in Thy mercy and faithfulness
and not forgetting Thy Goodness
and teach me to love Thee

Lord,
when Thou allowest me to taste the harshness
let my heart be silent and wait upon Thee
Like Thee Thyself bore all meekly and humbly
and teach me to love Thee

Lord,
when Thou allowest me to taste rejection and suffering
let my heart to amazed with Thy patience and obedience
and call them who have hated Thee to Thyself
and by that heal and cleanse our soul
and teach me to love Thee and to love those who are rejected and suffering

Lord,
when Thou allowest me to be in each circumstance
let my heart trust Thee, to look up and see beyond things
That Thy mercy and love are far greater and Thou Thyself is guiding
embracing all,
loving all,
without grumble, neither embittered nor despair
but say with heartfelt confession: Glory to Thee O God for all things!

Trusting in His Holy Will

Two days ago, I spent a little time in the afternoon to go to a nearby bookstore with my friends. As usual, as we arrived in the bookstore, the best selling books in the eta lase are those of self-building skills or alike, as well as the 'motivational books', 'success book, etc. which consist of suggestions and tips to make the self better or happier, with a presupposition that the time belongs to oneself, and even anything can be under one self's control and for the self. For the first sight, it seems so good , but as I looked deeper, I realized that the motivation for those kinds of self-improvements, self-esteem or any other 'self-programs' can establish a self-centered heart and mind by manipulating things for our sakes, that is, "I want everything and everyone to say 'yes' to me, and if I don't get it. the way I want it, then I struggle mightily with anger and depression. And this is called 'selfish misery' (Father John Moses).

And yesterday, I read a very awesome sermon of Father John Moses, Orthodox pastor of All Saints of North America Russian Orthodox Church (ROCOR) which reminds me that the focus of our Christian life is on Christ, therefore:

"... True struggle is to say no to every aspect of selfish misery- to ambition, pride, anger, depression, avarice, gluttony, acquisitiveness, lust, fear, anxiety, laziness, despair, vainglory, etc. Fundamentally, it is saying no to the whole issue "self-fulfillment." The Lord said, "He who tries to find himself will lose himself, but he who loses himself for My sake will find himself."

And some moment ago, I read one verse among very beautiful Psalms of the day. This realizes me that it is not me who tried hard to be 'good' or have to do something for God to love us, rather it is because of His Love that He embraces us to Himself and transform us into His Likeness.

"Commit your fate to Yahweh,
trust in him and he will act:
making your virtue clear as the light,
your integrity as bright as noon". Psalm 37:5-6 JB

Yes, only in Him and in submitting ourselves to His Holy Will in everything, even for the unforeseen events; to follow Him wherever He leads us with confidence in Him embracing all that happens to us as a blessing of divine disguise by His secret hands, then He will work through us and we find our true humanity. How joyful and wonderful yet trembling it is to always remember that we are in the holy presence of God!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

a new day

A new day, again a new day!
walk on the way
or would rather to stay
how precious times given to pray
and keep the heart pure and not led astray
by the fleshly musings and worldly array
The Lord is great, His Will is worth to obey

Follow, follow His steps
through the narrow and lowly sweeps
because His love reaches to the deep reefs

Awake and mindful
and behold the herd so beautiful
offer up incense with a heart cleansed of fouls

A new day, again a new day!

among friends

Although a little bit shy man, I love to see and to be among my friends here and talk to them. I am amazed that God still allows me to meet and connect to the people that once were not knowing each other but now we may share our lives together and even to work together.

Of course everything is not simply easy, sometimes my own weaknesses and hardening heart fail me to listen to them and understand them. In my days and times sometimes I am just loaded with my own affairs and dreams. And I found today that actually to train myself to put others first can be started with a simple manner: to unload our own prejudice, hurry and even worry. And for me personally that is about time, that is to give a little time to pause myself and my own care and stay with them for a moment and listen to their hearts. Lord, have mercy! Grant me a heart to love everybody that Thou alloweth to meet me today, and let Thy will be done that they may glorify Thee! For a moment, I was reminded by the morning prayer of Metropolitan Philaret:

O Lord,
grant that I may meet the coming day in peace.
Help me in all things
to rely upon Thy Holy Will.
In every hour of the day,
reveal Thy will to me.
Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me
throughout the day with peace of soul,
and with the firm conviction that Thy will governs all.
In all my deeds and words,
guide my thoughts and feelings.
In unforeseen events, let me not forget
that all are sent by Thee.
Teach me to act firmly and wisely,
without embittering and embarrassing others.
Give me the strength to bear the fatigue
of the coming day with all that it shall bring.
Direct my will.
Teach me to pray.
Pray Thou Thyself in me.
Amen.

There is nothing more I really hope than to witness about God's love so they might come to His wonderful Embrace. I know that I am so weak and unworthy but I also realize that I don't need to do it in my own strength. I am just a servant, and therefore I will only trust in My Lord and not on my own, doing what I see Him doing and say Yes whenever he asks me. I don't want to make 'converts' as many as I want, instead I plea Him to have mercy on me to witness about Him so that they might come to the Wonderful Lord. And once again I am inspired by the saying of my friend, "I help if I can, If I can't, I pray".

Lord Jesus Christ, The Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Great is Thy Love, O God

Still in the joy of God's wonderful illumination, I am so amazed with His faithful hands and mercy to me, an unworthy one, that I could not have a sufficient word to express my joy; I fell into silence and joy. Glory to Thee O God.

And what a joy even more it was for me to read the life of the beloved saint whose name I bear, St. Theophilus of Zákynthos in Romanos' blog. I would like to copy and put the story here in my blog. Thanks for brother Romanos for this .

Theophilus was born in Zakynthos in 1617. He was a seaman by profession. While on a voyage he had a dispute with the ship's captain, who acted in a very disrespectful manner. When the ship arrived at Chios, its destination and the home island of the captain, Theophilus left his service. At that point, a certain Turk whom he met there offered to take him aboard his own ship. Because the man was a Muslim, however, Theophilus did not want to work for him or have anything more to do with him. The Turk was persistent, and he would not take "No" for an answer. When Theophilus resisted, the Turk had no other recourse but to slander. He began to accuse him of wearing a Turkish fez, a type of headgear that was prohibited to Christians. Then with others the Turk beat him and dragged him before the Turkish authorities. In front of the judge, they presented their false testimony, that he had been wearing a fez, and so demanded that he must become a Muslim.

Hearing these accusations, Theophilus could not be shaken from his faith in Christ. The usual procedure was followed by the authorities—first, tempt him with flattery and promises of reward, and then if that didn't work, threaten him with harsh punishments and death.

In spite of their failure to convert him, Theophilus was forcibly circumcised (the sign of Islamic membership), and then it was decided to send him on to Istanbul as a "gift" for the sultan, because he was very good looking and only 18 years old. Their plan miscarried, though, for Theophilus was left unguarded during one of the Muslim prayer times, and he escaped.

He hid himself for three days and nights while they searched for him, but he hadn't any food, and he was very hungry. He went to the home of the captain that he had parted from, who gave him food. Then he hid out in a church till he could escape the island and caught a boat going to Samos, where he stayed for awhile. Not being able to stay there, he returned to Chios and to his former captain, but very quickly he was recognized by those Turks who had accused him. They had him arrested and again brought before the Turkish judge.

After numerous hearings at court, and numerous beatings and tortures, because Theophilus would not convert to Islam (which his accusers now claimed he had been a member of, and had abandoned—remember, they had circumcised him), the judge sentenced him to death by being burned alive.

The Turks brought Theophilus to a place in front of the church of Saint George the Great Martyr and started a huge fire. In their cruelty, they forced him to carry the wood to fuel it and to load it to such a height that he could be placed inside the heap. They say the fire was so high and blazed so bright that you could see your way to Chios town at evening by its light.

Entering the flames of his own will, Theophilus began to chant in the midst of them,
"O God of our fathers, blessed art Thou…" Then, making the sign of the cross, he prayed, and cried out "into Thy hands, my Christ, I commend my soul!" and he surrendered his soul into the hands of God, receiving the crown of martyrdom on the 24th day of July, 1635.

Now, God who glorifies those who glorify Him, honored the martyr not only in heaven but on earth as well. For at the destruction of his flesh, a strong and wonderful fragrance emanated from the fire to the comfort of the Christians and the discomfort of the Muslims watching his end. Therefore, to mask the fragrance and to dishonor the martyr whose life they had just taken, the Turks threw a swine into the fire so the air might reek of burning flesh rather than of the fragrant relics of the confessor of Christ. But in vain did they connive. As soon as the flames touched the bound feet of the pig, it escaped and ran. The fire continued burning its sweet incense to the risen Christ, and Theophilus joined the innumerable host that holy apostle John the Revelator saw.

After that I saw a huge number, impossible to count, of people from every nation, race, tribe and language; they were standing in front of the throne and in front of the Lamb, dressed in white robes and holding palms in their hands. They shouted aloud, "Victory to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!"
Revelation 7:9-10 Jerusalem Bible

One of the elders then spoke, and asked me, "Do you know who these people are, dressed in white robes, and where they have come from?" I answered him, "You can tell me, my lord." Then he said, "These are the people who have been through the great persecution, and because they have washed their robes white again in the Blood of the Lamb, they now stand in front of God's throne and serve Him day and night in His sanctuary; and the One who sits on the throne will spread His tent over them…"
Revelation 7:13-15 Jerusalem Bible

--written by Romanos

I bowed down before My beloved Christ and God whose love is Mighty and Great, and amazed of the wonderful love of His saint, St. Theophilus of Zakyntos. Pray unto God for me, O holy God-pleaser St. Theophilus of Zakyntos, for I fervently flee unto Thee, the speedy helper and intercessor for my soul. Amen!

Lord, Today...

Thou hast made me born again of water and of the Spirit
Glory to You O God, Glory to You!

Thou hast opened the door into the Kingdom of Grace
And alloweth me to enter into Your Life
Glory to You O God, Glory to You!

Lord, it is not longer me who live but You Who Live in Me
I abandon myself to Your Love
wherever it takes!
Thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven!
Glory to You O God, Glory to You!

Psalm 145-- beautiful!!

I really love the psalms! How beautiful and lovely the prayers there. For today, I am once again amazed with this beautiful verses which really true and powerful, Psalm 145:13-21

13 Your sovereignty is an eternal sovereignty, your reign lasts from age to age, your empire lasts from age to age. Always true to his promises, Yahweh shows love in all he does.
14. Only stumble, and Yahweh at once supports you, if others bow you down, he will raise you up.
15. Patiently all creatures look to you to feed them throughout the year;
16. quick to satisfy every need, you feed them all with a generous hand.
17. Righteous in all that he does, Yahweh acts only out of love,
18. standing close to all who invoke him, close to all who invoke Yahweh faithfully.
19. to those who fear him need only to ask to be answered; he hears their cries for help and saves them.

20. Under his protection the pious are safe, but Yahweh is destruction to the wicked.
21. Yahweh's praise be ever in my mouth, and let every creature bless his holy name for ever and ever!
Amen!

Day 11: the last day; a precious moment

This day has been a unique day because this is the last day for this second practicum. I feel very glad but also sorry for having to leave the students, I am starting to know them personally and really enjoy my time! So, I gave my mentors thanks cards so did my students (beloved students!) and the classroom became filled with mixed feeling!

And in this occasion I praise My Beloved Lord Who has been very faithful and great! He has vouchsafe me until this time and by His mercy I finish this second practicum :). There are many things He alloweth me to learn from my mentors and the students and therefore I would like to say thanks to:

Ibu Tisa, my great mentor. I love to see how she interact and communicate with the students.
Ibu Yanti, my great mentor too! I remember her encouraging feedback to maintain the students attention during Math class.

And my beloved students from grade 7.2:
Zacky 'the mathematician', Brodie 'the Scottish', Andrew 'the researcher', Abraham, Raymond, Christo, Liza 'the Indo-swiss', Chandrika "chan-chan", Ristia, Kevin I, Kevin F, Axel, Nicole, Shila and Jesslyn! Glad to know you, guys!

and from 9.2 graders:
Kevin, Dinar, Bayu, Malvin, Anthony, Era, Andrea, Lisa, Hendra and Jeremy!
My prayers with you all!

Glory to You, O God!

Day 10: plus and minus of detention

Yesterday, my mentor was attending the teacher workshop out of town, therefore I and one of my college friend, Kak Komang were assigned to supervise some of her classes. And finally at the end of the school we had the chance to observe the detention segment after school for the students who had misbehaved during the classroom process.

During my time in that class of 20 students consisted of different grades ranged from 7 to 12, I kept pondering upon this matter of discipline, especially about detention. When I looked up this term in Wikipedia and some other resources, I was struck by the original meaning of this word is associated with imprisonment and resistance. What a strong word it is. And although I have learned about this term in the psychology course in college but it's really a new thing for me to directly observed and to be in the detention class.

I know that I have not really understood about this matter and it can somehow make me misunderstand. So, in this time reflection, I just want to think about what I have seen yesterday in practice and list down some pluses and minuses of this process.

When the students arrived to the class, they seemed to feel not good and not comfortable. It also could be 'another job' for a teacher if it's not done effectively. And actually for the students who have the right understanding of being in the room, they will surely understand that this is time for reflections and think what they had done which were unacceptable. But since this was the culmination of 'warnings in the classroom', some students would feel so bad about themselves and saw this time as a reinforcement of that image. And I am still reluctant to continue this reflection because I am still not really sure about this. I'll ask this soon to my lecturer as soon as I come back to campus.

Lord, have mercy!

day 9: classroom teaching and learning process

It's always great for me to see my students' eyes gleaming with spirit of learning and exploring the lesson enthusiastically. Either in Language class when the students try to make sense the art of other language or in Math class when the students deal with calculations and logic, when the students may learn skills and knowledge that may be useful for them. And yes, sometimes it happens and it is called smooth time or enjoyable time with the students.

But sometimes it doesn't! Working together as a team in classroom is a dynamic process. As a student teacher sometimes I am too concerned about lesson plan, and that makes me reminded of the instruction from my lecturer,"you are teaching the students (with a plan) and not teaching lesson plans (with student in class)." And for me personally, it's still in process because many times I plan the lesson simply in ideal condition; tend to ignore and even avoid the unexpected possibility in class and sometimes missing a little but very important matter in the classroom for example the procedures of doing games or activity for learning, etc.

And I find that the more I try to know the students (especially call them by name), those whom I work with, the more opportunities for me to explore the potency or the tendency of the classroom process and therefore it will be very helpful to manage and even to be firm to myself in helping the students learn what they really need to learn. And from this I can find the difference between what my lecturer said as 'teaching lesson plans' and 'teaching the students (with a plan)'. 'Teaching lesson plan' tends to control over the class that is to force the class to be as what the teacher wants and being inflexible, while 'teaching students with a plan' is being flexible, treat the students as persons while considering their feelings, needs, potency by knowing the students. By that, the relationship grows; the interaction is becoming a meaningful communication involving persons who learn. And by treating the students with care, acknowledging their feeling and firmly encouraging the values, then however hard the process of teaching and learning in classroom might be, the teacher would not be alone because he/she has students who trust him/her and they're trusting each other! And I know that everything good comes only from Him Who is Good One. Lord, have mercy!

Day 8: teacher's mind-- words and questions

"OK, what do you think of Hasan's characteristics in this novel that you read so far?" Miss Tisa asked her Grade 10 students while I was listening to her in the classroom. Then I saw some of the students came up with some ideas and the learning begin as they went deeper and deeper around the topic of that day.

It often seems to me that the Secondary Math and language teachers are like bringing the 'seed' of thought and knowledge to the students in the form of questions. This is not only to start but also to nourish and guide the students along their learning. And I find that the questioning technique is also a powerful help to encourage and to direct students' thinking process. In another word, by doing the questioning the teacher is trying to speak with students' language or even to see with the students' eyes. By applying this little but not-too-easy technique, the teacher is implanting approach and mindset to the students to work on.

And of course, the questioning is not the end of learning but rather the tool to limit and decide what is to be learned and what actually really matters. Therefore, each question has always a motivation behind itself, either to justify, or to encourage thinking, or to adjust the thought and to conclude the observations and even to revise the conclusion. And I am glad that at times, a proper and sincere guiding question is more respectful and caring than to dictate everything and to compel the audience to be one mind with us.

Reflecting on this, I find that the question can also be the image of our heart, because the words (including the question) that come out from our mouth are from our hearts. Therefore, it is very good to keep watch and guard our hearts in repentance and prayers. Knowing that He is Mighty and I am so poor, I beseech Him to have mercy on me and heal me from the wounds of sins in my heart which has made it to be stinky for the angels, others and even God. Let his mercy heals it and drops as a fragrant oil which transform the heart and mind to gush out myrrh and incense unto Him! Lord, have mercy!
And by His mercy, our longing and questions in this life lead us to amaze and to fear Him and even to love Him. We fix our attention to our True and Great Teacher Who is so firmly and wisely guide and direct us through the Holy Spirit in His Holy Church unto Himself, with more than questions-- with the fullness of the Truth. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

In a new morning! :)

Praise the Lord for this new day! Once again I am reminded that only in Him and by His mercy then I can live. Only by faithfulness of my Creator I am preserved and live for Him. But I am ashamed because many times I have grieved my beloved Lord and sinned against Him. Lord have mercy!

But his love is so great and his faithfulness endures forever! And this morning is a new one. And again, I am amazed with Lord's love. The Lord incarnated to be one of us, lived as a sinless One; blamelessly and humbly. He is the very definition of humility and thus of obedience. He has trampled down death and death becomes powerless. Therefore, let's always put on our new and restored and true self in Him and fix our all hearts, minds and strengths to Him as we do what we see Him doing in us.

Each day, each new day as I (and we) see and venerate human image of God, we are amazed and trembled of such love and wonder that God humbled himself came down and made sin for us so that he might embrace us and redeem us to be once again His own; and be The Victor and Conqueror by His Humility and Obedience toward the Father, so that we might be united with Him; in His death and in His Resurrection. And Yes, to be His own.

And as the fruit of His Mighty Incarnation we joyfully and reverently see also the images of those who abode in Him, His beloved saints who were moved and transformed by His Love and become like Him. And by the Grace of Holy Spirit, His beloved ones enter into The Way, The Truth and The Life and witnessed with their whole life with such beautiful voice which louder than the voice of thunders because they prefer to give up this earthly life, as their blood shed while crying out, "Your Love wonders me, Lord! And forgive these men." How strong is this love! What kind of Love is this? This is divine Love, for He Who is Love has manifest himself and thus One seed buried on the ground and springs up Life and fruits.

He is risen! He lives! His love conquers! Through His Holy Spirit He continues to live among His beloved ones to remind us of His Love, While comforting, sustaining and guiding us so we may put off our own veils, the stinky sins through repentance in confession and He heals us; and to remind whatever He has spoken to us so that we might abide in Him and make us worthy to take our part to eat and drink from His Table and participating in His Life.

"Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. "For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him”. (John 6:54-56)

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

in the valley

the wheel rounds
so are the waves in the seashore back again
to the blue, dark and deep niche
and it comes again and tramples the beach

silent there
there's no voice of singing birds
or the swinging of Bougainvillea clumps
only dumbness

drought it is
and no deer could tell what
hey fishes tell me something
and let's see if I could understand

no, no
I don't know
get no idea
I am dumb, no word

having a spare time

Actually today until Friday, my students have been going for school Youth Camp and therefore I don't have any teaching activities. And this is the first day of being hiatus from school and I feel a little bit unusual. And here I have to keep looking for ideas what to do in this new environment where almost all of the residents (students and staffs are going to Youth Camp as well) are going out. So in the dorm are just me and my friends who also have to make up idea so we don't waste time.

Well, even right now, I am thinking and reflecting on this. But I am reminded by the Lord's commandment not to worry about anything, but keep watchful and vigilant and trust Him and His Wisdom. And I plea for God's mercy to protect me from the burning passion in the flesh, especially because it's too easy in this kind of time for me to be attempted of being lethargic and idle. Lord have mercy!

And by the way, I am glad for this opportunity actually, because then I will have time to read, learn and revise and edit the reflective journals, having sports (I really hope!) and the most important thing: to pray :) (and I am reminded by Fr. Stephen's post: “You should never read more hours in a day than you pray") and be in the presence of The Lord Almighty. Glory to You, O God!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Day 7: growing relationships with mentors and students

It’s very sweet to remember today when my mentors both Miss Tisa and Mrs. Yanti telling their experiences as students and how they got to workplace. And by this time our partnerships as a teacher and prospective teacher, an experienced one with the one who is looking for experience have been growing very well as we begin to look on ourselves are as persons and of course as professionals.

I praise the Lord that He allows me to know and to be under the guidance of Ms Tisa. This morning we really enjoyed the conversations both about little matters such as how did she manage to work while she was in the university, her hobbies and hometown and the serious matter such as resources, classroom management and many other experiences in helping the students to learn. It's very fascinating for me to hear her story when she was teaching a kindergarten and she had a Spanish girl in her classroom and thus she had to suddenly learn Spanish and manage to talk with this little girl in an 'instant' language :). So far, I really appreciate Ms Tisa's ideas and approaches in teaching and I learn many useful knowledge and experience in her industrious classroom!

And I am always glad for Mrs. Yanti who has helped me so much in dealing with behavioral management in the classroom and for sharing her experiences in teaching Math for Secondary students. Sometimes, both Ms Tisa and Mrs. Yanti are humorist and I enjoy to stay with them and to listen to their feedbacks and encouragements.

One of students group which I teach these weeks is Grade 7.2. This group is unique enough with various students' characteristics and needs. What makes this group of 15 students more unique is their diversity of cultures and ancestors: Liza with her father from Netherlands and mother Javanese, Brody the Indo-Scottish, Christie the Indian, and many more Chinese and Koreans. This fact has enriched the teaching experience. For example, as a new teacher I am not very comfortable when students talk and being noisy because of something. Sometimes with a disturbed face I looked to them and said, "silent please!" but after reflecting on this, I tried to use more caring and positive one: "Chan-chan, may be you need help?" She then simply state her problem and then silent or while doing the guided practice, "Axel, need guidance?" and he looked at me and said, "Oops, No, may be later..." and he realize that he supposed to be on task. And I am very pleased that it worked and could build the caring-classroom atmosphere.



Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Day 6: An approach

Today, I saw something unique and funny idea of my mentor in teaching English as a second language. The idea was to let the students 'create' their own countries. And I found that this is very fun and creative. The students had to explain about what is the name of the country, the currency, occupation, resources and etc.

The aim of this student presentation is to assess their speaking ability in English with their own ideas and creativity. By this approach they'd also learn and know about the countries systems and thus encourage them to be a good citizens. It's very fun to see how they make up the ideas of 'racing country' or 'music country' and etc and see how they construct their values and opinions in this activity, may be because personally I also love geography so much.

And I understand now that sometimes learning for the students sometimes can be done with a playful manner and even in that little activities they could be reflective and learned a little bit about responsibility. And praise the Lord that day by day, the relationship among me, my mentors and students grows and grows! And I keep praying for them that God may bless us in this process.

Glory to You O God, Glory to You!

Happy birthday, Khezia my little niece!

Today is very special day. Very first day is because this is the Lord's day a special day separated for Him and to the devotion and worship to Him. I always wish and long for this day because of this reason!! And this solemn day of His is becoming even more joyful because today is also my little niece's, Khezia's first birthday.

I made a call and heard her babbling and said happy birthday! I also greeted my beloved sister Dies Susiana Wati and her husband, Semuel Fahik! May God grants you many years, Khezia!

Prayer, prayer, prayer

This is Saturday and it means I don't have school day today. What a silent and calm morning it was as I stood in the front of holy icon of Christ, Mother of God and His saint, St. John the Forerunner! I was really glad for this beautiful day which God still alloweth me to live in His mercy.

Last night I visited The Orthodox Prayer web page and was astonished with its contents such as beautiful quotes, instructions and guidance in building the prayer life. Very beautiful! Here is a quote which is very lovely:
"Those who desire to renounce their old nature must not sometimes pray and sometimes not, but must unceasingly devote themselves to prayer and watchfulness of mind, even when they are outside temples of prayer. Those who intend to purify gold, if even for a short time they allow the fire to go out in the furnace, they produce hardening again in the material that is being purified. Ignatius Brianchaninov. And that reminds me to Father Stephen's post: Pray Always.

I trust this day to you O Lord! Lord have mercy!

Day 5: pressure and relieve

What a good week this has been! Eventually, this is the last day for this first teaching experience week for me. Yes, and knowing this gives me a little bit relieve. And glory to God for His faithfulness to me an unworthy one leading me through this week which full of new experiences.

Sometimes it’s not really easy thing to deal with people with different needs, characters and personalities. And it’s very good for me to remember (although not exactly) what Metropolitan Gregory in his book “How to live a holy life”, to pray for everybody who would meet with us and to whom we will encounter with. It’s neither in order to make it ‘easier’ for our sake and comfort nor to fulfill our desire to have everything well. Rather to prepare us to love them, overlooking the weakness and wrongdoings they might have to us, to forgive them and have inner peace in our hearts thus to train our obedience to God.

Yes, it’s not an easy day today because I don’t feel really well and a little bit not comfortable to hear the criticism from my friends and mentor. At first, it's a little bit embarrassing, but I believe that it's by God's love that He alloweth me to listen to those things for me to learn humility and to be amended ! Glory to you O God! Grant me O Lord to trust you more than I trust to my feeling or understanding. I keep this saying in my mind: “Crucify me with Thy Love, O God! Glory to You O God, Glory to You! And bless my friends and mentor whom Thou hast send, let me not be embittered but be rejoice in Thee.”

And yes, I feel much better now after doing my lessons today, praise the Lord!

4th day: decisions and heart

Today, I am staying Ibu Tisa's classroom and observing and grabbing so many experiences from the classroom actions. Today I am becoming more convinced that there are still many things to be learned as a prospective teacher and among them: making fluid decision every second or even every milliseconds as the teaching-learning going on. The more I observe, the more I realize that as a teacher, the values that he/she holds and believes, the motivations and the attitude in teaching -- the heart of the teacher--so to speak are clearly revealed to the students from the very way of his/her speaking, thinking, questioning and listening because a teacher has to make hundreds (or even more than that) decisions either what to say or what to think or what to do in a very short period of time and in those decisions a part of his/her heart is revealed.

That might be a compelling heart, a compromising heart or a caring heart. And reflecting on this, at least two things come up in my mind, first that a heart can be transformed and changed. I am realizing that so many times, I keep attracted in my own interest or wants and somehow forget the student's hearts and needs. Thus it's very important for me personally to be watchful into myself so that my heart always abide in Him and in His mercy to decide and do responsibly as what I see Him doing in me. Only He Who has alloweth many things to happen in our life can renew our hearts and we need always lift up our hearts unceasingly to Him and say, "Lord, have mercy!" and have always repentance before Him Who is Merciful. The second thing is, as a teacher inevitably my (and our) heart will influence the students hearts to move apart or move toward that values. Thus it's very clear that in the deepest sense, a teacher indirectly teaches 'who he/she is' and thus, who is his/her Master.

3rd day- teaching persons

"What are you going to teach?" One day my lecturer asked us. And we answered that with simple answer, "Math" and some of us, "Physics". "Are you sure?" the discussion continued, and she seemed not very agree and satisfied with our answers. "As a teacher, you are not teaching Math or Physics, that's the course you deliver to them: You are teaching the students about Math or Physics."

I considered about that for awhile and ah... yes, I talked in my heart. A teacher should treat them as persons, whole persons and then as the students who learn i.e. learners. And that's what I reflect on today.

May be theoretically, everything can be so smooth and 'in our control' by speculate one or two strategies to teach and that's it, it's done! But in reality as a teacher I must face many 'uncertainties'. For example, what would be happened in the classroom after this all preparations, what if the students getting very frustrated and even bored, what if one of the students unexpectedly misbehave that day, and many what ifs facing a day of a teacher who teaches tens of students with their own unique personality, feeling and thoughts.

Today I did my first two lesson plans about the percentages, Mathematics for grade 7. I had prepared the lessons with all the materials, PowerPoint and etc and actually I was so enthusiast to do my teaching. But unfortunately, the projector didn't work! And there it was, I should automatically switched on the plan B. I was nevertheles being a little bit panic about this, yet praise the Lord it's done.

And as I stated before, students are persons.... When they come into my classroom some of them are ready and yet some are needful and so distracted. Care and patience has to be with the firmness to help them to learn. And as a new teacher I am struggling between focusing on what I can help them to learn and in the same time dealing with them as persons who learn! That what I experienced today: a teacher who stands in the front inevitably have to make many and 'continuous' decisions every single second to keep the classroom doing. I still need a lot of practice to make a right decision and to be an effective teacher who really helps students learn.

About the uncertainties, that's reminds me always that I could not depend on my own strength or my own desires to face even a single day of my life. There are too many possibilities which can happens in a single moment to me. And I am just amazed how The Lord Who lovest mankind in His Mighty and Strong Love sustains and strengthens us in this life. I trust in Him, and I plea to Him to strengthen my feet to follow Him!

"Without God, we cannot do anything. Excessive sorrow, and despair, are of the tempter. Always say, “May Thy will be done.” Have joy and sorrow as guests, but not despair. No matter how much sorrow the evil one brings, say, “I have my Christ. He was crucified for me and loves me.” -- form Romanos' blog by Presbytera Candace, quoted from the saying Elder Ierónymos of Ǽgina.

2nd day-- teens students and their days

(Photo from my mentor's home page: http://denrigen.googlepages.com/)
Glory to God for this new day. This morning my friends commented about the hill weather, look there was spots of dews on the windows and it's 'too cold' for us last night. Sometimes it is a struggle to adapt to a new environment. In the night, average temperature here is about 15-16 Celsius and for us Indonesians, that's enough for us to be called 'very cold'. That's why my friends got chilling this morning. Eventually, we went to the school for the second day practicum.

I am very glad because yesterday my mentor Ms Yanti asked me to lead the students morning devotion. So last night I prayed and prepared the reading for today's devotion. It's exciting for me personally because what is sweeter and deeper joy than to tell the students how The Lord has been very faithful and loving me and us? I read the Psalm 146:1-2 for my students:

"Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord O my soul.
I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."

It's very good when I 'introduced' St. Anthony the Great and shared a little bit story of his life with the students and of course, also his instruction for us:

Someone asked Abba Anthony, ‘What must one do in order to please God?’ The old man replied, ‘Pay attention to what I tell you: Whoever you may be, always have God before your eyes. Whatever you do, do it according to the testimony of the Holy Scriptures. In whatever place you live, do not easily leave it. Keep these three precepts and you will be saved.’

(c.f. Orthodox resources web page).

So, I encouraged the students, and not only the students but myself to have the remembrance of God always in our hearts, to revere and fear Him and thus begin to learn to love Him; to keep seeing and focusing in Him and say: I have my Christ. He was crucified for me and so loves me.

Like myself, I know that my students and all of us are living in the corrupted world. It's no secret that teens nowadays, especially my students have to face such great challenges in their days either from substance abuse, pornography, etc. But it's no secret that God has planted eternity in their heart, a longing to Him and His Love, because they are created in His image. I pray that they could know and live the Orthodox faith even though may be it's started just by a little seeds in their hearts. Lord have mercy on us!

still from Sentul Hill with love,

Yudhie