Spark of God

My reflection this time is my thoughts on what Mother Gavrilia said as written in a biography of her entitled “The Ascetic of Love”. This amazing book relates her opinion on some people whom the people considered as ‘bad people’. Below is what she said beautifully (pages 175-176).

[...these people are] Not just good... Angels! The heart never stops being good. You can see even a wrong doer having tears in his eyes at a given moment and saying: “Well now I still cannot understand how I did that”... This spark of God is inside us. It cannot be absent from any human being.

[...] Ah but there is nothing else! Take out the Spark of God, and we become living corpses. That breath, which God blew into us, is Love. Is it gone? Then we are like living dead walking about... Just think of it.

How beautiful and truthful these simple words are! And it struck me to realize that every saint living on this earth would adopt the same attitude. It’s neither out of compromise nor out of despair, rather, is always out of love. And that love transform and brings so powerful impact to a person, community and the world. Just like The Lord says, we are like sheep among the wolves. We could not be harmful: what we do is merely to love and love and love to the point that only Christ live in us.

Being Christian, as St. Seraphim of Sarov, we have such precious purpose namely to acquire the Spirit of Peace. When we acquire that, thousands around us shall be saved. Now, when I draw correlation line here between what blessed mother Gavrilia said and the one of St. Seraphim, it is clear that at any cost, we are called to live in God. By always keeping that spark, tending it, in such manner that Christ’s glory revealed through the very presence of Him in us.

That is how God sees us! And that is why we still live until today. It is merely by the mercy of God that He gives us his grace to come closer to him with every second passed. Yes, it is not automatic and smooth way to trod. Rather it is the way of the cross. We pass this path by constantly combating our darkness and hear His voice leading to the light.

So many times I whisper to myself in the moment of realization: “Hey, you take too much care for yourself: by living in indulgence of food, clothing, entertainment, etc. When will you start to learn caring for others as well?” Yes, it is so easy for me to be trapped into pursue of my own comfort. Once imagination one by one gratified, I feel drowned. However, I desire to be caring and hospitable, and to be helpful and loving. May the Lord help me.

When I come across this gem thought, it is that aha moment! The Spark of God. Yes, we humans are created for Him, in Him and through Him. God is the source, benefactor and the final. He is Alfa and Omega. What I need to do is to cling on Him always, with all I am, with my failure, weaknesses and everything. To pray unceasingly, to ask his mercy and help in every moment. That’s how we can start loving. First by living out that Spark of God, as dim as it has been, faithfully and with faith, and let God lead the way! Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner...

Do we desire...?

Some kind of sweetness in life could come unexpectedly. That comes to me today as I listen to the words of God being preached in the church. Christmas, the feast of the Nativity of The Lord is around the corner and I was just swollen by the streams of announcements, celebrations around it and etc. At some point it became too much that I could be easily forget in which manner The Lord came to us: in the silence and serenity, in humility and peace. I was suddenly touched by the reflection of How Panaghia Theotokos Maria keeps silent and store her reflections in this very moment like this.

Thus, today I am reminded of how Christ is Emmanuel, God who dwells among us or who is always with us. At the remembrance of this, I come to bow my head in contrition. He is with me, he is with us! I have heard that the phrase, “Don’t be afraid...” is one of the phrases very frequently assured by the Lord in the Scripture. And yet, that phrase is continually spoken to us until today.

So often, what makes us afraid in this world is because we don’t acknowledge God who is with us in whatever circumstances we are in. As a result, we can be easily driven by the avoidance of pain and pursue of temporary entertainment. We want this, and that, and yet we don’t find ourselves satisfied, rather we becomes so much dismayed and dejected.

God is with us! Do we desire Him? Let us not forget the history of his people; of Israel which becomes eternal lesson for us. When they acknowledged and trusted Him, and followed His commands, they were victorious and valiant, but when they became hard-hearted and despised His words, they became the most miserable nation in this world.

We constantly need Christ to be with us. For it is His own blessed lips which say: “without Me you can do nothing.” It is His own presence which becomes fortress and blessing when we are living here and now. Thus, what else can we desire? Let us say with our heart together with Blessed and Glorious David, “As a deer panteth for the water, so my soul long after Thee.”  

When we totally acknowledge Him and trust Him in every second of our life, nothing shall make us afraid or anxious. Our life is in His Merciful Hands. What we need to do is simply look on Him and listen to His commands. For, “They who loves Me do My commandments.” All other things are added, as essential as they are. He is Good Father who knows what His children need.

Yet, honestly it is my own old self which easily failed me. Thus, at anytime, I cannot trust my own strength and understanding. Rather, always calling out to Him, “Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner,” in every possible moment, for I know nothing of my own power could accomplish anything.

What a joy! What strength! A reflection on how God is really with us! The moment you are reading this, God takes care of you and loves you. Let us by our repentance moment by moment, opening our hearts and minds to the abundance of His grace and to acknowledge His gentle Hands to lead us to life. Let us never exhausted to offer our life and to learn as unworthy as we are to love God back.

Glory to God for all things! 

Pain which has no name

I always appreciate time to remain silent and to simply ponder on life. These past few years has been very amazing for me to pass through. Although I cannot deny that everytime the noises of the world cease behind me and thus I am forced to face the world silence, I feel that pain which I cannot describe. There is kind of sadness, sorrow and isolated feeling which leave me there to ponder.

Yes, we shall never be satisfied with temporary entertainment and comfort. Each and every moment struggle rises and we need to keep our eyes widely open. I am thankful thus for at least these two reasons: that every pain is temporary, since Love conquers all and that this life is not about my feeling about it. Because otherwise, a person like me would be sinking into the abbys of gloomy days.

I would call this feeling a pain which no name. This is strange but I simply happen to feel it. It's like that void and emptiness inside which no matter what happen to me, it's there, waiting and yearning. And I dunno if that would ever be filled: may be someday.

I don't understand mostly what happens around me and what that even means. What I know is that I live a certain life and certain expectations, may be with certain dreams. My faith is so too very small to make sense of this life, if I have faith at all. Yet, somehow I know I have to keep alive.

Sometimes when I reflect how every person craving for beauty and happiness: the more they run after it, the further it flies away. Mankind from age to age cannot get rid of their fantasy and dream on beauty and virtues, yet so many times they blur it with utter ugliness. Drunkeness overlaps merry, folishness overshaddow the hope of freedom. And on and on.

Toiling and spoiling... Do I hope to understand? May be not. I leave it alone. I don't deserve this knowledge, since that seed cannot grow on my dry and rocky soil. I just want to live this life as it is.

He guides

Now I have been few years after college. The thought of getting settled and preparing for marriage inevitably slip through. I remember one homily of Fr. Daniel Byantoro one of my friend's wedding day. Three secrets in life which normal people could not foresee: where and when we shall be born, to whom we will get married and the time of our death. So, I just remain calm and let God's hands leads me and gives His servant signs as He deigns.

Looking back to my life in the past, so many miraculous things happened. The Lord with His strong and faithful hands never desserts me. Many things happened, but all that I can do is to praise Him for vouchsafing me through it all. Those moments of doubts and reassured, of pain and joy give me lesson that He guides mankind from the very first day of his life. He, The Lord uses all that is possible to pour out His love to us. But that doesn't mean we could remain idle. He gives us the will and the strength to respond to Him. We can only respond to His love if we are alive spiritually. And to live we need to partake into the live of Holy Trinity through the grace of Holy Spirit.

And even until this point, He guides. He is The good shepherd who leads us through still water and in the right path. He is The Way, The Truth and The Life. And that's in the most real way. What we do for living, where we live, where we go and so many 'mundane' things. Let all those be fit what it is meant for: to lead us to God. Even the slightest smile of stranger, the angry child on the street, the laughter of random mindless teen, may those all serve one purpose: to remind us of God and His vast mercy to us as his own.

Now I am resolved, guide me Lord as You will. Let me rejoice in You and You alone. :)

Lord, by Your amazing love, heal my crippled legs to stand up and walk according to path of Your Holiness. Touch my withered hands that I might stretch them for the acts of mercy. Grant me sight to see Your brothers and sisters around us so that we might serve them for Your sake. Forgive me Lord, for making exuses against Your guidance. I am Yours, save me.

Seen or unseen

There's moment in this live when circumstances shake our comfort zone for whatever reason that might be. Lot's of times, these crisis puts so much pressure on the mind and we are forced to give certain response. For me personally, that could mean learning things which simply I 'postphoned' because I was not very confident in that and got very easily give up. It could also mean to be consistently get in touch with some work I started and later happened to be lay aside for some reason.

Praise the Lord for His wisdom and mercy. Because I just realized today that those little moments of discomfort and struggles actually are so powerful to keep our focus, shaping and enforcing our faith like no other way. It's just beyond our comprehension to digest but we believe that it works for good for His beloved ones.

One of my stressful factor of being a teacher is the responsibility to keep journal, checking and grading and making detailed observation record on students' progress. These administration things keep me busy and being in the rain cats and dogs of tasks. At some point, I need to admit that it exhausts me and wears me out. Is there any hope that I would be in a more lay back and slower pace things to do? Sometimes that question irresistably comes to my mind.

Yet, how beautiful it is when I see from the other side of the frame. The Lord knows me best and even better than anyone or I know myself. What can I say is, imitating St. Paul, 'Your grace is sufficient for me.' Dear Most Holy Lady Theotokos, teach my heart to say boldly like you did in the audience of the Watcher, 'Let it be according to His will'. And yes, how true are those two beautiful expression of faith. His grace is so sufficient beyond understanding. And His joy is the joy that the world cannot give.

It is our own self-pity and anxiety which magnify the little discomfort whereas those little gems enrich us to be stronger and lifting us higher in the journey of faith. Thus I am grateful for such fitting opportunity for me to learn being consistent and faithful in the little things through the subtle tasks of journaling. How could I not be grateful for such time through which my weaknesses and ugliness revealed. Not for shame! But so that the merciful Hands of the Lord could cleanse it and adorn the soul with holiness. As painful as it could be, his grace is invicible and working beyond our limitation and belief of ourself.

Do not resent. Rejoice and remember The Lord's wonderful and loving hands. He chastises those whom he love so that His splendor and glory might be reflected on us. What is left for us is to be still and wait for the Lord. And pour out our heart into what we are doing faithfully that the Lord's blessing might be contagious to those surround us. Glory be to God!

The joy of being

Be with Thy servant O Lord,
In the time of Joy and time of Sorrow
in every moment of life which is Thine own gift to me
Let me not forget that everything is sent by Thy bountiful hands

Thy table is overflowing with mercy
And from Thy right hand derives strength and peace
May my soul be always yearning for Thy presence
And may my eyes thirst for Thine inexhaustible beauty

Thy Words are good seeds planted in good soil
Wisdom sprouts and begets beauty of action
The sweetest action of all is that of prayer
And upon the sight of Thy comely countenance
Thus prayerful heart bears love and its offspring

How beautiful, how meaningful
Here is my sorrow, Lord
Let it be lifted up and transformed
into beauty and into victory
Here is my joy, Lord
in knowing that Life is about You and Your love story

Every moment, every struggle, everything
May they become the means of getting closer to You
However worthless, yet by Thy grace we dare

Cover our hands and our feet
and our head and our eyes
and our ears and our tongues
so we might perceive all through Thy love
that everything arouses us to love Thou even more
That nothing remains but our love toward Thy Indescribable love
Glory to You, Lord! Glory to You  

Keep it on

As the days pass by, being around young souls of third graders as I am, I cannot help but being so very grateful of such 'blessing in disguise' I receive this year. Yes, it was making me a bit concerned when the school assigned me to teach younger kids shaking me off my comfort zone, teaching teens. It is so encouraging that in the midst of so hectic day, one little kid approach, touching me with firm and simple trust and the warmth of spirit. That is very mysterious but it's as if our souls understand how to sustain each other from time to time.

Honestly, when I was younger at the university I got kind of difficult experience dealing with younger students. I was kind of inexperienced and confused that time that I kind of lost my confidence to teach them as part of my mandatory-scholarship-job. But yet I learned a great deal of skills during that time.

However, what I found out now, praise the Lord, turned out to be just great. I am so humbled that God helps me in everything that I put my trust only on him to give in my heart and mind and mouth the things I need to say, decide and act upon them. It is when realizing how I am far from perfectness yet God trust me to step by step lead them in the way of His Truth. Yes, at times I feel a bit insufficient, not good enough to be their teacher. But what can I say? Dad used to say and I trust it: Keep your eyes on Jesus. Lord, help me Thy servant.

Their excitement, curiosity and naivete ignite something in my soul. That fire which keeps me awake and want to learn; awaiting the aha moment from second to second. As they learn something new, that atmosphere actually also catches my eagerness to have the same attitude of wanting to learn and grow.

It takes time I know and it also demands such amount of time, diligence, patience and effort to help them out. Yet, when I look it deeper, it is not me who gives! Since I receive so much good things much more than that I can offer, to these beautiful souls. It is grace of God manifests through His providence, plan and just everything which he keeps sending me until today.

I confess my blindness and insensitivity toward such beauty and majesty that He pours along the way. When He allows any circumstance, He wants to equip me, to transform me, to save me. Without wasting any resource or anything, He keeps working with His strong secret hands to embrace us, to teach us and to cleanse us. Such is the love that He implants in us. A love beyond what the world can give. A love beyond what we ourselves can do. Glory to You, O Lord.

At home

Portland, Day 3

The biggest difference which I have about my stay here this time is that I don't feel at all as guess, but I feel really at home. Dad has me doing things just as real home: cooking, making bed, shopping and etc. I am very glad it is that way, so it is very real.

Yesterday, I went down town Portland. There are much to see and enjoy which made me fascinated. Among all; these things I really love about Portland: the trees, fancy and neat buildings and monuments, parks and neat side walks, fresh air and amazing nature and the best of all --smiling people. I noticed that people here are eager to talk and ready to help just anyone. The only thing you need is good will and enough courage to open a conversation. 

Public transportation 

The public transportation is so reliable and most of commuters use public TriMet transportation service. I really enjoy taking the bus or train. I bet you are familiar with the ticketing-before-you go system if you live in Malaysia or Singapore. However, in Indonesia, I don't think we really have it. So, before getting on the bus, you need to go to the ticket machine which gives you options whether you would go with 2 hours , 1 day, 7 days and 14 days tickets. The most handy payment which I choose is by using card. I love to get 1 day ticket because then I can go anywhere as far as Trimet service could go all day long, which is good for recreational purposes. 

It's nice to be on the Max train during rains or hails. It feels safe and comfortable. We can either engage in conversations or for me, observing Portlanders with their diversity and cool way of doing things are kind of fun. 

If you are taking a bus, you can use Trimet tickets for train too. Don't forget to show the ticket to the driver before you getting on. As I have mentioned before, the people here in Portland are warm and open, they said thank you to the driver before getting off the bus: hmm something which we Indonesians either forget or don't really do back then at home. 

Favorite spots

I love to be in the Pioneer square, a very lovely and memorable spot in the heart of Portland city center. I could not help but keep coming back because in this spot you can really blend with local excitements. Since it was opened in 1984, people keeps make it happening with creative events. It is also cool for me because if you need to connect to your friends at home country, you can hop on to first Starbuck at the city, order their delish coffee and connect to internet! Here you can also get to know many people; not only Oregonians but also different kinds of tourists, you know what I mean. 

Right from Pioneer Square, I'd love to get lost and wondering around the city blocks, which is so rewarding and you may just end up get into fancy malls, gorgeous restaurants or hotels and interesting shops and food charts. I am so lucky because I found Indonesian dish here and I tried it... not bad. In fact I really love it. I want to try different kinds of food too though like Thai, German, Greek or Middle Eastern-- amazing! 

I would feel never enough to tell you of this crazily adorable city. If you happen to have time and just go here, at least these simple things will be great and worth to try! :)

After all, again I am so grateful. God is merciful and amazing! 

Quality Time

Portland, Day 2 Morning

It is very liberating to know that being happy could actually be really simple. I found that out recently. For me, being able to spend quality time with my Dad and brother here has been such beautiful time. I am so thankful at the very moment I feel their presence and to be just together casually. I appreciate those encouraging words and the things which they do as they are. So, each moment that I have here, as it is provided and made possible by the Lord, I want to rejoice in it. I am aware, that the purpose of living here on earth is not simply being happy. But this joy which springs in my heart refresh my soul and instill peace beyond reason. I am following Christ; and try to keep saying Yes to him and He grants me abundant blessing, which I don't deserve.

So, here I am in this amazing place where the mountain peaks of Mounts St. Helen and Rainier could be seen from right front window glasses. The trees, flowers and fresh air lift up my spirit to praise the Beautiful Creator. I cherish my trod in this lovely land. I cannot wait to walk and being present with the people in the city.

At home, what's really fun is Dad keeps helping me out by teaching me how to do things 'American way' because I understand that we do simple things like house keeping slightly in different way here. Let's say how to do the laundry, wash the dishes, toilet stuff and kitchen stuff. Those little things are very fun to learn. Well, yes I am familiar with those things back in Indonesia but I just want to do it 'authentic way' ;). Most of my way doing things back in Sumatra are so traditional and sometimes might not be practical, so it's great to learn it in a new way.

After all, what I am going to say is that I do have great time here and I keep thanking the Lord for such time. I am so inspired by the lives of people here which help me to see the world in rather different angels. Doubtlessly, they enrich me and help me so much to be better and to encourage others too to be better. Thanks, Lord!

Joy of the present

Going to far away places after working like crazy can be so amazing. Along the way you can make new friends, seeing rare things with your heart, and getting intensely inspired! That is what I am experiencing right now. I am at my Dad's house in Portland, Oregon the moment I am writing this post. And so far this has been a priceless journey.

Like never before I experience such sweet confidence and peace being in companion of my friends and taking risk of reaching out to others despite being rather self-conscious. It is a minute-by-minute wonder when I looked back the time when I could talk with my co-worker Ekadesy so enjoyably in my flight from Palembang to Jakarta. We talked as good friends share laughters and panic, being silly and fun. I wish her amazing time to meet her boyfriend and family in Timor island.

Another great(may be -est) moment that I had that Friday evening at Jakarta airport (June 13 Indonesian Time) was to meet such a warm-hearted new friend from Hong Kong, Jacky. We cherised the time we had together. He is a cool friend with such good heart. He is very excited about Indonesian wild life and culture in general. I taught them a few Bahasa words that might be helpful for him when he meets local people. Fingers crossed, Jacky!

Meeting those two amazing people has been good sign for my trip to USA this time. It is indeed a blessing beyond what my words can contain. Enjoying the presence of each other and exchanging love is awesome. This reminds me of what my beloved Mother Gavrilia who said '... human hearts never stops being good..." and another part of her book which said how beautiful it is that God sends "fellow travellers" in our life. I am deeply grateful to witness what she meant.

Things unfold to be very good one after another. No other joy can be told more humbly and beautifully than the joy of the present  moment with God. It is the very moment when God is with us and working in us and through us despite our weaknesses. He puts on a veil on our face, so that others might see us as what He deems as best.

This is yet the first day of my journey but already I am so blessed. I am excited to be with Dad and witnessing great moments ahead. Happy Father's Day, Dad! Thank You, Lord.

Accept it...

I realized that many times I did selective listening and did lots of things selectively. Well, I bet nothing wrong with it, just need to come back a bit backward: what kind of selection do I have?

When my soul feels a bit overwhelmed since my body can be tired very easily, I can be very moody and lonely. Yes, to be honest most of my friends know how sometimes I can be very introvert and 'mysterious'. I am so much conserved. And I kind of resent it when this classic conflict arises within me: I enjoy the company of others and to share and spend a little bit of time with them, but it is the feeling of self-conscious which kills me.

I barely make any personal and meaningful conversation. One side of me which honestly I keep wondering. I am very shy and I feel my tongue locked at the very moment I want to express my idea. But deep inside I want to have time with people and make new friends.

Well, I know that God's love made perfect in my weaknesses. Lord, I trust You. Have mercy on Your unprofitable servant.

Keywords for decision

Minute after minute things happen and when they confront us in a very personal way, we then need to respond. In simplest sense, we are given choices of what kind of attitudes, actions or even thought we have about it. With what and how we respond in a critical moment, this directly relates to our disposition of the heart. And when reflecting on this, the beautiful Words from the Lord comes to my mind, "Do not be anxious...", and how many times both in Old and New Testament, the acclamation from the Lord which tells, "Do not afraid." constantly be heard from time to time. In this words, the assurance that God will be with us and a call to trust Him in every moment of life made apparent.

Thus, it leads me to ponder on what is the foundation of our decision from time to time? Is it happiness? Is it our success? Is it momentarily satisfaction and gratification? Is it the escape from the troubles or conflict? During the Holy Week and Holy Pascha, it so strongly impressed me how Christ's willingness to fulfill every little detail of The Father's will becomes the very core of Christ's work on earth. And it strikes me at the face remembering how I am easy to fall and fail miserably in imitating Loving Christ. I am in constant need of His mercy and guidance.

Now I realize, even in the simplest matter which includes, "It is spare time now. Shall I mingle with computer screen, killing the time by looking for entertainment and junks? Or I'd rather use this precious time to pray and think of people which might need help?" and "So and so is the due date. Shall I postpone it to find better mood and energy to work on it or will I try my best to sincerely start work on it right here and now?", I still need to learn.  For me personally, I am struggling with this very simple issue.

Then, I was reminded of how our Righteous Forefather Abraham responded to the Lord. He acted faithfully and with great responsibility following the Lord's directions. And of how Joseph, in no matter what circumstances-- he fears the Lord and works out his humble part faithfully. And the list goes on and on. Somehow the red thread can be seen: they accept it and work it out obediently. In short, I realize that it is neither pleasure nor anxiety nor pain nor gain which can be made into solid foundation for our decision; lest we build a house on the sand.

But when The Good Lord bless us from time to time with so much mercy and opportunity to obey His commandments, let us respond to Him faithfully, responsibly. It is just like we are given the talents, which is His grace and the life to us. We need to work it out. Thus, it is clear, anytime we make decision, we shall ask, "Is this decision comes out of my Love toward God and my longing to fulfill my responsibility or merely out of my craving for love and instant gratification by foreign ways?" Lord, have mercy on me a sinner.

Glory to God! Christ is risen!

What shall I ask...

Dearest Loving Lord
In awe have I stood before Thee
Speechless have I been
In the presence of Thy mercy and beauty

For Thy love is so strong and invicible
Even death has no power in the presence of Thy Love
What shall I ask, what shall I seek
For in Thee my heart finds rest

Thy humble servant realizes
That I have done nothing good before Thee
O Good Lord, what shall I say
Since everything is laid bare before Thy pure eyes

Thus, this is what I implore
In every second of my earthly life:

Implant in me the goodness
Since I have nothing good from my own
Implant in me the beauty
Since You are the Source of All Beauty
And let Thy beauty made known through my working hands
Implant in me Thy wisdom
That I might choose Thy commandments above anything else
Implant in me faith
So that I may be always with Thee, Master and pleasing Thee
Implant in me Thy Will....
That Thy Will be done on earth
As it is in heaven

Amen.

Journey of love

Great lent is here! It's been such amazing moments of reflection, of being refreshed and of repentance.
In this beautiful time, the passage of Christ's revelation about Last Judgement (Matt 25:31-36) stuck really strongly in my mind.
In this particular part of Holy Gospel, Christ clearly tells us how all nations, every human will be judged. Such dreadful yet true as it is, when The Lord The Most Holy and Truthful Judge will reveal all things plainly.
To my amazement, the standard which He will use to judge is love. Do we really love God and do we love our neighbor? Seems then, after all, our very existence must revolve in these two most important matters.
We know that Love comes and flows from The Lord and none else. It is our sins, impurity and disobedience which block His precious gifts to be active and bearing fruits in us. Thus, it is the act of humility and denial of the flesh which makes our heart contrite and be open to the grace of God.
Now, among important things which a Christian can do to have this disposition of heart are... prayer, fasting and almsgiving. These acts are not meant to make us 'good' or religious; rather these acts are what Christ highlighted to be done out of sincerity and love toward Lord and others very powerfully.
Let's ponder very quickly how important these three things are.
Prayer directs our being toward God: our mind, heart, body and soul. Let us lock our small room i.e. our deepest heart to be sanctified by the presence of The Lord in every single moment we have. Let us craving for Him and His presence like a deer panting for the water, and not merely for vain glory.
Fasting makes our flesh and desires bridled thus giving us much more opportunity to think and seek not something worldly, but His Kingdom and righteousness.
Almsgiving done in secret are great ways to help others, to open the abundance of God's mercy to be experienced by our brothers and sisters and not stop in us.
So prayer, fasting and almsgiving... these very powerful staffs for our pilgrimage in the journey of Love. May this not be merely religious duty, rather our yearning to learn and to love God in very real way. Because we want to serve and please Him and because we see Him with us in every moment of our life.

Glory to You, O Lord. 

approaching through faith

I came to realize one thing which I really want to share with you dear readers about this one thing: everyone has something to deal with, well to put it into more concrete term, everyone has some kind of 'problem' they have to face from time to time. And the good news is none escape! The spectrum can be varied from economics, emotional, unrealized dreams, and just mention it. That makes me reflect on how should we go through this jungle of so many potential frictions and disappointments; boredom and sorrow. We live in fallen world where happiness is something too high and eat us up when we try to catch it. So, how should I live my life as a Christian who loves Christ in the face of such demanding and critical moment?

From ages, people after God's heart is distinguished in this very manner: how they react to unpleasant moments. Our Holy Scriptures are filled with such heart breaking stories of Abraham who freely give his only son Isaac up to the Lord; or Joseph who waited and trusted the Lord in the jail for something that he did not do. Or Job who insisted that the Lord is Holy One even though he has to bear such painful diseases. Holy Apostles who were persecuted and tortured for the sake of Good News. Christ himself is our ultimate Example for this where He obeys the Father's will completely unto His death on the cross. We are surrounded by the clouds of witness of they who love God more than anything.

What all these tell us? It is clear then, the difficulties, sorrows, temptations and unpleasant moments are always there. God, out of His love for us allows these things  for the perfection of our love. He doesn't control us or gives us no choice. Rather through these moments He wants to scaffold our faith, strengthen and purify it so that it can be made crystal clear that the seeds of love which He sows in us bear fruits which can be seen through obedience toward Him.

Thus a man and woman of faith doesn't pray to avoid unpleasant moments, neither he/she prays in craving of pleasure and worldly comfort. One thing which has to be both the root and the fruit of prayer: the Love toward the Lord. We pray because we remember that God is ever loving Lord and merciful Master --and we pray so that He sustain us in His Love to obey Him no matter what, as in "Thy will be done". To conclude this reflection, let this poem speaks...

"Ye shall love Me", my Master
You thus spoke when You create me from dust
There You breathe Your own breath of Love
None else could fill us with such joy and bliss
but Your love and communion with You

Yet, how we have rebelled against You
From the dust in our feet we cry out to You, widowed from Your Love
This longing of Your Love burst out
as a dear panting for the water

But You in Your endless love reaches down from ages to us
You call us from the depth of our being
to come back to You
For You to embrace us again through Your laws and Your revelation
through Your guidance, wisdom and mercy
Til The One Whom You Love came down
and tell us "I am The Way, The Truth and The Life"

Glory be to You, O Master who loves mankind
Through this narrow way shall we follow You
with tears of joy and songs of praises shall we
day to day witness Your indescribable mercy

Who are the most beautiful ones on earth?
Those who are robed in humility and thankfulness
Who are the most graceful ones on earth?
Those who adorn their lips and soul with Holy Name of the Lord
Who are the strongest ones on earth?
Those who has "Thy Will be done" carved in their hearts

You have sowed the seed of Your kingdom, dearest Lord
Bless us, that we may be filled with joy and fear not
For You are merciful Lord both now and ever and unto the ages of ages! Amen!  

 

being faithful

After awhile, I come across this topic of being faithful. This seems to me to be the week-long reflection which eventually written down into this post. 

In my work life during the month, it could be somehow exhausting. Needless to say that the past few days has been rather tough for me both physically and mentally. Special fatigue came from long list of due dates and students affairs which seems so dynamics and 'endless'. Once I got chance to share it with my friend, I told him very casually that I feel overwhelmed. To my surprise his response was very unusual. Instead of telling me to try harder and 'don't give up', he very indistinctly said,"Just slow down, man!" That's all and I kept silent for a moment.  

Wow! I exclaimed to my self. That's it. That was actually all I needed to hear. I need to slow myself down; well not in a sense of slothfulness --but rather to lay aside all those burdens of proving great works and trusting more to the Lord! He takes care and what I need to do is to say yes to every of His will. The Lord knows that his servants also need rest and I feel almost like dancing in my heart. Yes. I need to slow down to be able to collecting myself and be totally there. 

So, how can this relate to 'faithfulness'? Hm. Well, that came to me a few days later. So, there I was trying to make it easy and slow down a little bit. The moment when I started to agonizing about what shall I do or how can I manage to do multiple tasks, etc; I give it up in prayers and whisper to myself, "Totally slow down, please." Ta-da! That's awesome. The moment I became calmer, the specific things which I could work on flew by itself. Without even realizing it, I started do the things I need to do. Praise the Lord. So, I understand now, we cannot accomplish anything simply by being panic and anxious. But by being still and know that the Lord is there, that He shines His countenance upon us! And that is where our faithfulness takes form; since "Without Me, you can do nothing." In keeping the remembrance of Him and not being distracted by stormy sea around us, then we can give our self totally to Him!

And finally, I want to share this simple but beautiful words of beloved Mother Lila, "All feelings of anxiety spring from imagination. I, too am in this world. I, too, have to pay my telephone bill and all the rest. But I am not anxious. Because I know that the Lord will provide what is necessary at the right moment - exactly what and how much is needed." (The Ascetic of Love, p. 333)

--Glory to You, O Christ! --Such a beautiful faith! Faith which led her faithful till the end.  

Enjoyment of reading

Literacy and ability to process symbols into meaning in general is one of our gifts. I am tickled to reflect how this capacity can lead us into exploration, learning and creativity. Reading a good book at a time can be really good way to reflect and 'listen to' something outside of ourselves. However, of course we need to be somehow selective of what we are going to read, because not everything is beneficial and even can be harmful to our soul.

So, in this post I really want to encourage my beloved readers and dear friends of mine to take up something to nourish our mind. Number one and foremost, of course the Holy Scripture! Since in these sacred text we are not only studying, but even we are being enlivened: just picture a dough being leavened so that we might grow and alive! For the words from Holy scriptures, very especially the books of Gospel has power to brighten our understanding and transform our mind into His likeness. What a blessing it is! It's that simple: Can you read? Then grab and open reverently your Bible and read it. Well, that's sounds rather easy. But in reality? Yes, I know. Since I also experience that heaviness, reluctance and excuses not to practice this. But only  one or two things we really need to have --specific time and consistency! And these two are in our power.

Again, we have that gift of understanding letters, combination of them to make a meaning (very amazing if you know in Original languages of Holy Scripture, yet at least in our mother tongues), so let's read! It just needs a bit of 'smart tactic' in sparing the time and being consistent in that. The Lord who sees our earnestness to approach Him and our faithfulness in struggle will grant His grace and mercy even more (as He has been). So #1 let's dedicate our reading to... Holy Scriptures!

Then, the second book which I really recommend to be recited regularly is the prayer book. All other books might require us to wander around in imagination and mental activity, but this beautiful book collects us and empowers, even sanctifies us into a real person. Since through this book we submit our ego and let ourselves to be taught and to be purified both in thought and in wisdom to dispose our hearts into the right bearings and into the truth. So, let us embrace and diligently search and recite our treasures and let our hearts be strengthened and recharged by the expressions inside. So, #2 let's sit and recite our prayer books (by this I include psalms and hymns of the church).

The rest of the books which beneficial are the writings of Holy Fathers and Mothers in the Church.They warm up our heart and seed the desires to be with God and to praise Him. And since we are also called to serve others in the world, we might find any subjects which we are on. I especially love history and geography books since they let me know how wonderful is God's secret hands among mankind from ages to ages.    

Keep balance

I smiled this morning. When I awoke with mundane heaviness to start the day, I tried to collect myself and made the sign of the precious cross. Yes, it is Sunday! The day of the Lord and thus time to remember Him in a special way, by going to His temple. Silently I sat by my bedroom and not too long before my worries and cares arose in the corner of my heart as to think about what I need to do, what I need to plan and a lot more. Suddenly it feels like a light to my mind. "Hey, why not to be more deliberate; to learn to be present where I am without being eaten up by the urgency to rush and to make my day?"

Yes, that is the very first battle of the mind: to be constantly occupied by so many cares and lose ourselves in agony about what to come, or simply being there, trusting Him who will guide us and show us what He wants us to do. To be honest, in my inexperienced mind, I'd rather try so hard to manage my day in such away to avoid undesirables. I will make five of 'list to do' for the day and ended up doing only one. I tried to figure out, solve and got quite hectic for the day and ended up being overwhelmed and worn out. This habit, in my reflection although is not totally wrong can lead to fatigue and depression. So, what point do I need to recheck?

And that's the reason I smiled this morning. I learn that everything needs to start, to be guided and to be shrouded by prayers! Nothing can be accomplished, can be thanked for and can be celebrated in truest sense-without prayer -- without our gaze toward Him who loves us all. The art of being in peace, being in the present moment, enjoying our work and tasks lies in offering up our trust and constant remembrance of  the Lord. And for me, number one enemy to make this possible is irrational worry and anxiety.

Thus, by being more deliberate, turning any slightest thought of concern into prayer and silence before the Lord results in the sweet stream of peace and joy even in the most demanding hours of our day. We realize where we are, what we are doing, and at the same time we offer incense of prayer and thanksgiving to the Lord.

So, I learn today that in any moment of temptation, difficulty and heavy labor, it is most fitting to seek refuge in the Lord and trust Him completely. Our joy doesn't depend on how much pain we avoid or how much pleasure we can enjoy but in knowing that The Lord transforms us and shapes us through every single event He allows us to experience in His grace!