from an unwanted one

I looked upon myself in the mirror. O, how plain and undesirable, there is nothing interesting about me. I am just a sinner who force the earth so that she has to give up a space for a rubbish like me.

Yet, I find myself smiles. This one is the smile of ignorance and naive-ness. It smiles because I do know nothing either about myself or about this world. This world and even this life is too big and too mysterious for me. Illiterate, blind, lost and poor that what I am. I am nothing but dust and ashes.

A beggar, yes a beggar is what can describe me best. I am like him who sits on the ground, powerlessly and yet still hoping for mercy from The Benefactor and His beloved ones. Because I realize that I have no defense, no power and have no understanding and fool.

Lord, O Lord, Why is it that You so love me and care for me? I am but dust and ashes, unwanted and nothing. If you want, just like my earthly father you could simply forget and abandon me, remember me no more. Because yes, it is true that there is nothing desirable in me. How poor, ignorant and unworthy I am, Lord. It is very reasonable for you to simply slap me and kick me whenever I am naughty. I deserve for any pains.

But you forget me not, a broken pot, O Lord. Instead, with tears and blood and sweat you look so deeply to my weak, sleepy eyes and stretch your hand to my dirty ones. But Lord, I am so unworthy to touch You, cleanse me. I need your mercy every time O Lord and without it I can not live. These days are from You, Lord. How quick my days will be and this world remember me no more. Yet You are so faithful! I can't understand it, truly, I simply taste and see it and tell it very inadequately. And now, knowing that I am a broken pot in Thy Hand, I feel safe O Lord, I am yours among yours.

Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

searching for....

Some day ago, exactly on Friday I got on the Angkot (see picture)-the local public transportation- to go to the post office. It was not really my surprise to read the brochure posted in its door, and sounds very familiar here. However in that time I tried to focus on reading it through to get the message. I am trying to translate it to you what it says in Bahasa to English (as much as I remember).

"Mr. X , a well known spiritualist, able to solve any of your problems. If you want to be healed, prosper, beautiful, get success in any of your works, you find the correct person. The process will not be long, just need one to two hours to transfer the power [ilmu in Bahasa]. Note: the patient must be above 11 years old. Please contact for reservation and appointment. Contact: +628XXXXXXX."

Can you imagine it? It is in the public places where people will easily access and follow up. This kind of messages will be easily found wherever in my country, and very often in the local newpapers. Traditional people who I meet and know still believe so much in this things.
And once again, that made me contemplate.

O humans, how hungry and thirsty are you
You seek, you weep and you well up
Just right after the fall, O Adam
You lost the priceless treasure you have
What a lament you bring within you, O sons and grandsons

In tears and sweat, in turmoil and drought
seeking your food among the thorns
pain, pain, pain everywhere you meet
even in the sweetest honey and brightest sun you meet them there: hunger and thirst

where do they drive you, O sons and daughters?
you have that hunger and hurriedly satisfy it
you even search for yourself in deceitfulness of this darkness
or even in some kind of spiritual bliss you make up, the temporary comfort zones

Love, love!
Love conquers, Love fears not
He heals, he restores
Love has entered this world,
he is mighty and does never tire

He is the source of the genuineness
He transforms the bestial thirst into the compassion
He tramples down the carnal desires into the sacred hunger of Love

Love, love!
Comes in the true man and true God, in Christ
Love in Triune, from eternity to eternity
Come ye all nations and people, O Adam's race
Let The King of Glory in

Comfort is in the hands of Him
and of course our hearts yearns for such comfort (Sergei wrote)

Seek ye first His Kingdom
and this will belong to you
Whatever, wherever it brings

-Yudhie

Lord Jesus Christ, the son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

tea and friendship - a glance of simplicity

One thing you will easily learn, if you visit the peasants community in Indonesia is that tea is very popular here. This is especially when you come to the 'real Indonesia', I mean, not the made up ones for tourists. I don't really know the history of this plant in my country (and may be I'll check it if I have spare time), but what I know is that since I was a child (even a baby?!), if I went to the events or festivals (in Sumatra island) I will find this easily: tea.

And amazingly, it is also true in almost every islands in Indonesia. When I was in Jogja, if I go to the 'street restaurants', there I will get tea. In West Java, the tea without sugar will be given freely as a drink in the fast food restaurants. In Lombok and Sumbawa islands, when I visit my friend's or teacher's house, whether in usual days or in Holiday, there it was: tea.

Oops, anyway, I don't want to sell tea here ;P. What moved me to write this little thing is actually what happened yesterday. When we were together sat down in our tables in the evening, while I helped Daniel with his Mathematics stuffs, Leo kindly offered us tea to be enjoyed with the biscuit (or vice versa). And we took break for a while to talked and enjoyed time together with tea and biscuit.

What I learn from this is that sometimes a little and simple thing can bring us together. Joy is not necessarily complicated and sophisticate. How peace are the simple minded, because sometimes they do things out of sincerity, including in prayer. Because many a times, some will try to intellectualize; to understand God before they love Him, but for some others They love God in simplicity and the other parts of the latter's spiritual life, including the understanding moved by it over time.

God knows us so perfectly, nothing is hidden before Him and thus no masks needed before Him. It is so beautiful to come to him like a child, a little young boy and give thanks for His Grace and Mercy that He reveals Himself to us in perfect Love. Lord, behold, I am Thy poor, lost and unworthy servant, heal me!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Beautiful sayings of Elder Paisios

Everyday, every time

Glory to God for granting me, his unworthy servant a new day. This day is very calm, sun shining very brightly here and I can see my beloved friends in the dorm very healthy and cheerful. After getting my breakfast, I am ready to go to work. And these are profound sayings and instructions for our Holy Fathers which God allows me to learn this morning:

"The true Christian tests himself every day. Daily testing to see whether we have become better or worse, is so essential for us that without it we cannot be called Christians. Constantly and persistently we must take ourselves in hand. Do this: from morning establish thoughts about the Lord firmly in your mind and then during the whole day resist any deviation from these thoughts. Whatever you are doing, with whomever you are speaking, whether you are going somewhere or sitting, let your mind be with the Lord. You will forget yourself, and stray from this path; but again turn to the Lord and rebuke yourself with sorrow, This is podvig of spiritual attentiveness" Bishop Theophan the Recluse.

"Everyday, hour, and minute, keep a strict watch and consider every thought, desire, or movement of the heart, every word and deed, knowing that the Lord is the Righteous Judge who is judging you every instant and is evaluating the inner man. Continually keep yourself pure for God" St. John of Kronstadt

"If you can not be merciful, at least speak as though you are a sinner. If you are not a peacemaker, at least do not be a troublemaker. If you cannot be assiduous, at least in your thought be unlike a sluggard. If you are not victorious, do not exalt yourself over the vanquished. If you cannot close the mouth of a man who disparages his companion, at least refrain from joining him in this". St. Isaac of Syria, from word from the desert blog

Glory to Thee O Lord, grant me, Thy unworthy servant the obedience to Thy commands and Holy will, because You are my God.

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy one me a sinner!

Morning Prayer of the Optina Elders

O Lord, grant me to meet everything that this coming day may bring me with spiritual peace.* Grant me to surrender myself gladly to Thy holy will.* In every hour of this day, support me in all my undertakings.* Teach me to accept whatever news I may receive in the course of the day with peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Thy holy will is in all things.* In all my words and actions, direct my thoughts, feelings, and senses.* In all unforeseen events grant me not to forget that everything is sent by Thee.* Teach me to act sincerely and reasonably with everyone I meet, that none may be disturbed or embittered.* O Lord, give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day and all that may happen in the course of the day.*Guide my will, and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive and to love. Amen.
(from morning offering blog)

A piece of love from Romania :) [thanks as well to visitors around the globe]

Today is a unique and special one, by His mercy he allows me to meet his loving servants; new friends and fellow pilgrims from around the world through this media. Yet, it has been a blessing for me, even if we don't meet physically but God in his wonderful power has made our encounters possible, at least through blog.

As part of my enthusiasm to learn more and more of Holy Orthodox faith, I am brought to the new beautiful things, I have never imagined nor dreamed before, that is to see how faithful share one Hope and Faith and Love one another, regardless the cultures or languages or geography. This is truly beautiful. This time, especially very surprising for me.

I am really touched when read one of Father Dorin's posting (in his blog, Teologie pentru azi [Theology for today]) entitled: Nestiinta si Dumnezeu, in English: Ignorance and God, especially in when he wrote "Sunt un om nestiutor, in ciuda faptului ca postez in scris informatii despre tot felul de lucuri.(I am an illiterate man, despite the fact the posts written about all sorts of things). This is edifying me personally, reminds me of how should I conduct my thought in reverence of God while writing this humble blog. Another part which I also shared with Romanos this morning and he wrote it very profoundly, Scriptura ne spune ca adevarata noastra viata este ascunsa cu Hristos in Dumnezeu ( vezi Coloseni).. Scripture tells us that our true life is hidden with Christ in God (see Colossians). How great it is!

I am also amazed of their kindness and generousity toward their humble brother from foreign country of Indonesia, that they (Romanian brothers and sisters) encourage and support me in Love.

Lord, today Thou hast made me amazed with the marvelous power of Your love which unites and draws many people from different side of the world with one common language: the language of Your Love! I appreciate also for those who are in America and all countries which flags are shown in the flag counter. Thank you :) for visiting a blog written by an illiterate :)

Glory to Thee O God, Glory to Thee!