Reactive

Lord have mercy!





These few days, I learned a though thing of humility. I heard and my heart keep persisting this term into my consideration. This is a very tough character I have been learning, and I think not by walking but by rise-and-fall, even by crawling. And as St. Mary of Egypt said, as fighting with a beast. This truly it is.

And I am realized that one among the things resist the lesson of humility is the ractiveness of mine. This evidence can you see in the way of I am choosing the language and the words, message I use in this very posts I write.

Another way, I also remember of numerous times I used to be reactive in the way I lift up my voice, self-defense mechanism and even avoidance. And for this one, I really concern, that is the self-interest. Glory to God for his mercy that He reminds me of my selfishness and also my self interest and this one come from father Ted's blog.

Lord, have mercy! Grant me a meek heart and a humble tought so that your will I might understand and behold I am an unworthy servant of Thine, let it be according to Thy will! Amen

Smiles

Last Wednesday, due the Hindu New Year (Nyepi in Bahasa Indonesia) in my place, the schools and universities are closed since it is recognized as a national Holiday.
So, my dorm-master had a plan of a gathering party from morning with the sport activities, exactly at 8:00 to 11:30 am we got the dangdut (traditional music)-soccer, tie pulling, and running competition. So many shouts and cheers. It is a very good moment of togetherness. And fortunately according to the kindness granted by God through my nice dorm-master, Eric Jubiliong, our Supervisor given a responsibility to organize the event. So since few weeks back we had been busy to prepare it.
Our supervisor Angga is in charge to monitor 16 students including me, Elvys, Jeko, Herbetd, Robert, Dion, Ensa, Edberg, Wangsit, Michael, Abraham, Mario, Denny, Andi, Dalpin, Arianto and Boyke. This was a great team.
The exciting part in the night was the talent show from each supervisor and that was just fantastic. They are so funny and creative. Ah... I am sorry I can't tell the detail right now. The list of assignment and homework are ready waiting me.
See you in more accurate time!

Glory to God!

narrow way

Yesterday, I got a very complicated day. It'd been a mixture of many fragrant and stones around a lily. That was a very warm and bright tropical day actually and I give thanks to The Almighty Creator for the wonderful creation that makes me always amazed until now.

The morning starts with a sweet bow before the great icon of Jesus the Most High Priest and I stepped out from the dorm after everything was ready for today. There was no class, I went to the library and also to prepare for the roadshow although it was cancelled.

After being in the library, I was working there in the periodical in 2nd floor and I decided to go to Bank, did some clarification.

As I went back, I continued to work again in the second time to work in the periodical and then went home at 20:00 pm.

Is there something special? Yes, ofcourse, because this story is in the superficial appearance and thus this' just ordinary and universal. But what happened in mind and heart, words and many other sides was not just so and so.

I was very disturbed by the fleshly passion and worldly lusts yesteday. This is really a struggle, to enlive the faith and love in every single breath, words and step..... Lord I depend totally unto Thee. Have mercy on me O Lord and forgive my failures, obstinacy, and pride. I must not distructed by this world, neither to be conformed and friend of this world, so that my heart to be always near Thee and Thy will be done!

Lord have mercy!

Painful Steps....

It was so striking to find this terminology from Father Ted's blog. Striking not because it is strange or for the first time, instead for its profound correctness and suitability to describe how we should step in day to day life. And no doubt, the most glorious example for this is Jesus himself, out of his obedience and Love to the Father.

This is just great that Thou, O gracious Lord revealed one of my most paralyzing weakness to love and to obey Thy will. I am too afraid with the pain, I want to protect my self by my own strength and pleasures. I indeed realized that because we are created for the truly joy Thou hast for each human being in Eden. But, the problem is this world has fallen and many times the desires and the pleasures, sense of safety and comfort just come out from my own imagination of my sinful and blind thought. There is a gravity to fulfill all the flesh will and its deceitful sensation, which leads us into a very great danger and the worst of all, the separation (by our own choice) from Holy Trinity!

Jesus asked us to deny our self and bear our cross. This may means that we take the painful steps. Just like a baby wants to stand up and walk, fall, rise, fall and rise again and again until we really eventually walk. And in these all, God is always there! He is faithful and full of Love toward human being.

Lord, have mercy, grant me a repentant heart and bear my cross with humility, watchfulness, resisting the sin and prayer!

Rejoice with the simple...

Glory to Thee O God....
By Thy providence and almost always unexpected gift, Thou giveth me Thy humble and unworthy servant to serve and welcome SLH students from Lampung and Jakarta for Education Campaign which is held by my university to promote charity for the disadvantageous kids around Jakarta and Southern Part of Sumatra Island.
Today, as I listened to and talked with them, I can see the hapiness and joy radiated from their simple faces, while ilustrating their excitement of being first time come to the Capital city of this country. The same thing I also can experienced from their guiding teachers.
I would always want to know you better and do my best (although it is so simple and little things) for you as you needs, my brothers and sisters.
I hope you will be enjoy your days here forward and have a great experitences during your day and Lord, grant them Thy mercy so that trough them, Thou wilt remind us to the compassionate heart and be merciful toward others, toward the needy and all our neighbors, for as Thou hast said, "whatsoever you do for this least you do it for Me".



Lord, have mercy

To fast is....

This is a quote from the "Word from the desert" blog. And this is just wonderful:

…It is to do away with whatever pleases the palate. Fasting ends lust, roots out bad thoughts, frees one from evil dreams. Fasting makes for purity of prayer, an enlightened soul, a watchful mind, a deliverance from blindness. Fasting is the door of compunction, humble sighing, joyful contrition, an end to chatter, an occasion for silence, a custodian of obedience, a lightening of sleep, health of the body, an agent of dispassion, a remission of sins, the gate, indeed, the delight of Paradise.
St. John Climacus, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, 14

Glory to The Father and to The son and to the Holy Spirit, both now and ever and unto the ages of ages!

Here and now: A willingness and Watchfulness

Gazing into the bright blue and high sky always made me very amazed and small. The creator of this life and universe is absolutely Almighty, beyond my small humanity description. The atmosphere, stars, seas, islands, nations and all tell His Greatness, and I can't reach them all in my mind.

Stepping down into my residence, I also always amazed to see all creatures even very small ones lizard, ant, amoeba, yet even they are smallest they are so complex and sophisticated. My own body and myself is created very wondorous, and also you and all.

Now, going to small things I have been doing. Many times I have not really realized where and even what I am in the moments I am doing something. In my weakness and sinful nature, I am really easy to get distracted and being swayed by my own passion and imagination so that I am not there and I forget for Who I live and I am.

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Repentance and obedience

One moment ago, I am contemplating on such a very wonderful saying of St. Isaac of Syria form father Ted's blog, here it is

As St. Isaac the Syrian says,
“There is no unpardonable sin except for
the unrepented one.”
“And it is not when we commit sin that we are
sinners,
but when we do not hate sin and when we do not repent of it.”

Lord, have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit!

Euphoria, imagination and passion....

Oh, what can I say today? I would prefer to be silent than to speak about my self, an unworthy servant of Lord Jesus Christ. For whenever I am in the moment like this, I just amazed of his Love. That just unbeleivable, what is more when I see upon my own sinfulness, forgetfulness and proud, fear and many others.

Lord, have mercy on me! Today I learn to love my neighbors and I really love to learn this art of Thy will. However, in my weaknesses and vulnerabilily, many times I fall over and over, I still want to 'take' something more about my self and my self.

There are so many euphorias and imagination and passions that attempt my soul, and I just amazed how .....

"St. Isaac the Syrian enumerates them: Weakness for wealth and for
collecting and owning things of different kinds; the urge for physical
(sensuous) enjoyment; the longing for honour, which is the root of envy; the
desire to conquer and be the deciding factor; pride in the glory of power; the
urge to adorn oneself and to be liked; the craving for praise; concern and
anxiety for physical well-being." (Way of Ascaetics by Tito Colliander,
online version).

Lord, have mercy on me! I can say no more for Thou knowest me my unworthiness.

Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

It is so hard for me to let my self to be 'crucified' and to be humble is a really tough and crushing lesson, and among them, this is the hardest part:

Take remarks without grumbling: be thankful when you are scorned,
disregarded,
ignored. But do not create humbling situations; they are
provided in the course
of the day as richly as you need. We notice the
person who is for ever bowing
and fussily servile, and perhaps say, How
humble he is! But the truly humble
person escapes notice: the world does
not
know him (I John 3:I); for the world
he is mostly a "zero." (Way of
Ascaetics by Tito Colliander, online version).

But as Colliander said also: "... you should see yourself as a child who is setting out to learn the first sounds of letters and who is taking his first tottering steps ..."

Lord have mercy on me! Glory to Thee O God, Glory to Thee!

intercultural, international and interethnical

Alright, so today was a wonderful day of the Lord. I worked in the Oentoro Library while I was reading a book of Messages about the Intercultural communication by Joseph A. Devito. I simply get interested with this chapter that discussing about the communication occurs between two or more persons from different groups, beliefs or lifestyle.

And when I am reflecting to what that affects on me I just can smile and amazed to what I am here now. Thanks Lord for Thy providence that I am being in this moment, in this place and in this context right now.

I live with a very intercultural and interracial community here. A couple of my friends are Korean, Indonesian Chinese, Indonesian Local ethnics (if I am not wrong at least 27 major ethnicity represented in my faculty), many languages and lifestyle, and oh dear I just realize and being mindful by this time actually. O Lord have mercy for my insensitivity.

Some of my lecturers are from USA, some Aussie, German, Canada, and the Philippines. And now, I am being an assistant in teaching grade 3 students who are Singaporean, Indian, Aussie, Vietnamese, Chinese and American!

I have never thought to be in this moment which is so intercultural what is more when I remember my childhood life in a remote Area of Lampung in the Southern part of Sumatra Island, Indonesia!

It's great, Lord grant me Thy unworthy servant to bring and share the light whenever Thou send me, so that they may also know the salvation from Thou. Amen!

In a wonderful day of Great Lent 2009

obedient... atmosphere.... busy

Oh, for me this has been a little bit 'long time' for not renewing this blog episode. And actually I just don't want to make any reason about this but to be honest, now, I am in the middle of Mid-Test season right now. It's amazing tough, any way because even in the exhausting time, by God's providence there is still time to share and communicate one or another time with my beloved mates in my bravo class, which we call '2EMM1' stands for 2nd cohort, English Menengah (which is Middle) Mathematics s1 (undergraduate).
So, I am now studying the wonderful and beautiful (:P) art of mathematics such as this last Wednesday we got exam in Calculus with the magic words like derivative, limit, function, differentiable, etc. It's ..... *good* to hear all these words, isn't it? And the upcoming event for this shiny Saturday is Probability and Statistics tests. Oh, what a week!

But, Lord behold Thy humble servants, let me do them all silently and always trust Thou in every single step and circumstances. My Wonderful and Awesome Lord has been very faithful, not only for me, I believe but also for all his creation!

Lord have mercy on me!

Lingua Linguist

Another side of this complicated day. No wonder in the live of this terrestrial ball, something can be a dualist anyhow. One can be an extreme and another will be another time. I dunno how to explain this even to my own mind.
The blossoming lily for today is that I had the chance to translate the speech of Dr, Colin. You would be smiling when saw how nervous I was and when I said some sentences by some sentences of translated English to bahasa Indonesia. It's amazing to feel and have the support from my friends including Ko Aras, Robert, and many others. They are very encouraging me in this way.
Since my childhood, I really love languages, and uniquely I was not really well in even my own mother tongue when speaking. I was like have some trouble to say words in a proper way and in certain pronunciation.
I love silence and written language, signs and the language of non-verbal. I really wanted to translate the language, that is one language of love to others and I will really challenged about that!

Lord have mercy

A courage, warrior

Today I learned another thing. A christian life is not always passing trough the shadow of the sun set neither just walk in a very charming windy meadow. With contrite heart I want to tell the beauty of this life is.

This is like climbing a very, very steepy abyss and we must be watch out and be very carefully and either it is dangerous. We may weep and hope for the rest and enjoy the moment of free indeed and even come home. Yet, in the midst of our cries and in a very despairing moment, He who is very faithful be there with us in a very single moment of our lives. It's enermous to imagine and comprehend.

Today, in my class with whom I taught, I felt very unauthoritative. In my depression and discourage, I shouted in my heart! I give up, now I just want to escape from them. I feel really bad when my kids even ignored my presence and give me no respect. I realized how week is my classroom strategy, or how imperfect my soul is. I wanted to love them and see the light in their eyes while they're enthusiastically learn and then they will really be their best, but yet I admit that I am still pulled by my own fear and faultfulness.

I used to hide behind the line of social acceptance and 'standard'. My love is very limitable to the conditions and circumstances. The situation which will keep me safe and comfortable then I will love. How vulnerable it is! Lord have mercy. Grant me the courage to break down the wall of my self-protecting and to act each deed out of love even though it is a hard love and will not make my feeling good.

Because Thou and Thy Will is greater than just my emotions and illusive and deceitful fless willes. I bow down before Thee O most gracious Lord, to ask the wisdom and courage. A courage to say and do the truth and not enslaved my my own self pity. Enable me to say no if it is no and say yes when Thou supposeth to be no.

Lord, have mercy!

Scrutinies [Not to the sins of others]

A wind come in the midst of a very sunny and dry day would be a very great comfort to our draughtiness, and I feel that just today. In my own weakness and vulnerable mind, I was attempted to seek out, to retell and even to admit the faults and the weaknesses of my beloved brothers and sisters (to others). And The Benevolent God WHO really is the Philantrophist, reminded me trough the saying of St. John Chrysostom:

"..... The cause of all these evils (unforgiveness and haughty) is this: that we
scrutinise the sins of all others with great exactitude, while we let our own
pass with great remissness. ..." (home.surge.net/orthodox/stignatius).

Glory be unto Thee O Lord, Glory be unto Thee..... I am a shame person, unworthy servant of Thine, forgive me that not long time ago today, I have spoken and mention the faults of my neighbors, in my fleshly will and not realized that I am myself is a sinner. Grant me a heart of humility and to pray for my beloved brothers and sisters so that they might have mercy, life, health, salvation and visitation, so that they might ever praise Thy Holy name! Amen!

My amazement

I met many people with their unique and different personality each day and as I talked, interacted and communicated with them, I just find how amazing my God is! And while I am being reminded of His unconditional Love, the True Love and that never change I am just amazed toward Him. He is truly Philanthropist (The Lover of Human Being)!

Trough his Son, all his majestic and Great Mystery revealed. For there is no one ever seen God, But His Only begotten Son who with the Father before all ages, reveal it. How great is that for me. And in my trembling I glorified The Holy Trinity, since Thee hast revealed this awesome and indescribable Truth to Thy humble and unworthy servant.

Glory to Thee O God, Glory to Thee!

So Excited

Tomorrow, the Great Lent season is beginning and I really feels the enthusiasm and the joy deep in my heart to experience the moment of contemplation, humility and remembrance of God from a day to a day. This is just amazing! I am really excited. Lord Jesus Christ, bless me in this pilgrimage, so that I may meet Thee and humble my self before Thy Majestic feet and grant me Thy healing in my soul and heart, so that Thou wilt enable me, Thy unworthy servant to Love Thee with all my heart, my mind and my soul. And also love my neighbors as myself.

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Have mercy on me a sinner!
Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, both now and ever and unto ages of ages

"We fast so that we may live like a dying man - and in dying we can be born to eternal life." (Father Stephen)