Today I learned another thing. A christian life is not always passing trough the shadow of the sun set neither just walk in a very charming windy meadow. With contrite heart I want to tell the beauty of this life is.
This is like climbing a very, very steepy abyss and we must be watch out and be very carefully and either it is dangerous. We may weep and hope for the rest and enjoy the moment of free indeed and even come home. Yet, in the midst of our cries and in a very despairing moment, He who is very faithful be there with us in a very single moment of our lives. It's enermous to imagine and comprehend.
Today, in my class with whom I taught, I felt very unauthoritative. In my depression and discourage, I shouted in my heart! I give up, now I just want to escape from them. I feel really bad when my kids even ignored my presence and give me no respect. I realized how week is my classroom strategy, or how imperfect my soul is. I wanted to love them and see the light in their eyes while they're enthusiastically learn and then they will really be their best, but yet I admit that I am still pulled by my own fear and faultfulness.
I used to hide behind the line of social acceptance and 'standard'. My love is very limitable to the conditions and circumstances. The situation which will keep me safe and comfortable then I will love. How vulnerable it is! Lord have mercy. Grant me the courage to break down the wall of my self-protecting and to act each deed out of love even though it is a hard love and will not make my feeling good.
Because Thou and Thy Will is greater than just my emotions and illusive and deceitful fless willes. I bow down before Thee O most gracious Lord, to ask the wisdom and courage. A courage to say and do the truth and not enslaved my my own self pity. Enable me to say no if it is no and say yes when Thou supposeth to be no.
Lord, have mercy!
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