fear not, my little one

Just this morning while I was getting ready for the class in my room, Daniel and Suryo and also myself watched a news TV which was broadcasting an editorial about terrorism in Indonesia. I was not really watching it, simply look and listen a little bit what the broadcaster read. Oh, terrorism in the world! I don't know what to say about that simply realized that as long as we breath through nostrils, we live in a corrupted world where people have their battles either physically or spiritually at any moment. The desire of certain extremist religious group to 'conquer' this country under them since the very first day of Independence has been a prolonged wound and the feeling of not safe.

As a little kid, I could hardly feel 'safe'. Because I was used to live separately from my Dad, I was being a apprehensive person and sometimes being self-protective. It's only because Lord's mercy that eventually I grew and grew and be what I am-- still so unworthy and nothing, but His faithfulness is always there! I admit that the past has its influence on how I am doing now, but is it necessary to blame what was behind us for making us such and such? It does somewhat influence me (us), but it should not control me(us)! In Him we are free: free to get closer and love Him and our brothers and sisters and also free from the intimidation of fear.

Now that I am just part of very little flock living in this 'wilderness', I can not depend on my own self-confidence to conditioning my mind and my own strength(if I have), will fail me. It is only on Him who said: "To you my friends I say: Do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more..." (Luke 12:4 JB) If He who has Life , the Lord Himself said that, won't we rejoice and heed Him and trust His Word?

Nothing will touch us without His consideration and wisdom! He loves His own so greatly. He preserves and strengthens, saying: "Have no fear, Jacob my son, my little Israel" (Isaiah 41:14 LXX). Have no fear: for I have delivered you, I have called you by my Name; you are Mine. If you pass through water, I shall be with you and the rivers will not drown you. If you go through fire, you will not be burnt, and the flames will not consume you. For I am the Holy One of Israel, Who saves you (Isaiah 43:1-3 LXX).

Lord, once again Your love trembles me! Behold Thy unworthy servant is so powerless, have mercy on me O Lord! For to be content and safe in you is not the fruit my conditioning of mind, but Thou allow me to consciously behold Thy mercy. I tell myself the story of your marvelous deeds (Ps. 145:5 JB)! Amen!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Filling the hearts and minds with thanksgiving

As usual, the mid-time of this semester is just like the peak of the curve during the study cycle. A list of homework, papers, assignments and some other things need to be done before the teaching block which begin next month is waiting me. What a week then! Lord, have mercy. I trust in your kindness and faithfulness to deal with this all, forgive me my lethargy.

And this time, I want to try to get out of the crumple hours and silence my mind. It is always good and sweet to give thanks to Our Mighty and Good Lord in everything and every time, and yes, even now. He is so great and faithful and I fall in love with the Psalm I read last night, Psalms for 28th day: Psalm 132-138 expressing this all in a beautiful way! And I realize that in my weakness and limit, somehow I didn't recognize the mercy and helps from the Lord which are so abundant and rich in every single breath of mine and even much more than my hairs. Lord, have mercy on Thy servant!

The world and our passions tempted us to dominate over anything and to fulfill its desires. And unfortunately even in the slightest amount, this can be great block for us to response His Loving Hands. We see how people crave for popularity, prosperity and many things. When something has been given him even in a great manner, yet man is tempted to look for a higher one and forgetting what he has been granted for. This reminds me to the story of ten lepers with only one Samaritan who came back to glorify the Lord and to give Him heartfelt and joyful thanks.

Only in Him is our true blessedness, rest and shelter, that is our happiness! Awesome and Trembling is His Power and Love. There are at least two choice to respond to it and I would like to borrow C.S Lewis' terms for this, to look at Him and His love at a distance and say, 'well, yes that's beautiful, but what is that for me, I have my own business...' or to look along Him and His Wonder, which means giving up our whole being or to abandon ourselves to Him and His Love because its Beauty and Bliss captivate our hearts and souls and minds and strength and move us to love Him, Our Lord God and entering His Holy Body.

O happiness, the more man pursues you with their own way, the more you flee from him; but you pursue those who are thirsty and hungry for Lord's righteousness to be their rewards from on high!

Therefore, it is always good to praise and give thanks to the Lord every moment and together with St. John Chrysostom and our Holy Mothers and Fathers and all the saints proclaim: Glory to God for all things!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Coconut leaves

Javanese, just like Balinese are familiar with the arts and handicraft from the coconuts (Cocos Nucifera). We make use of this palm-kind plant maximally :p. Yes, it is literally useful for us, or at least for my neighbors in my village. We use its root for herbal medicines, the tree for the logs to build the houses, its midrib we use as logs or fire woods, the leaves for the brooms, and many more.

I got a chance in last holiday occasion to help my neighbor to make a kind of 'plate' or basket from the coconut leaves. In the ancient times (and even until now), this kind of plate was used by Javanese families to serve some foods namely Jenang (sweets made from Javanese sugar and black sticky rice), Sego Gurih (Spicy Rice), etc. And in this time the baskets we made were for the latter one.

After making some of the baskets, eventually the Sego Gurih was ready in the evening and I ate the menu with my friends and family. Delicious supper :)!

pure and simple

The encounter with my Dad household and my friends in my little village has made me think this little thought. Love is very simple. It is also sincere and pure. We don't need any sophisticate knowledge or lectures to love, although it's sometimes lofty to describe what love is.

I admit how poor and weak and unworthy my love has been! When I see upon Him, I am trembled with such great Love. His Love is amazing, very Mighty and Strong.

It's very easy for me to be tempted to give up or to withhold my love simply because my friend do a little mistake. Or, like people in Good Samaritan's parable, at times I hindered my self to love someone in need. It is easier to see what is weak from my brothers than my own.

But He, He loves us to the point that He gave His own life to be ransom. When He was slandered, he kept silent. When He was mocked, he prayed for them. It's perfectly what He taught us: When someone slaps your right cheek, give your left cheek.

Love is very simple, yet it needs sacrifice. It flows through a pure heart from the Source through the sliding and steep surface, the surface which facing down. Who is the Source? He who is Love, God Himself. Can we love apart from Him?

It is simple because it is freely given but its power induces the change of the loved hearts to be beautiful like it. This doesn't need any prejudice toward the loved ones. It doesn't need our own 'measurement' of the beloved's worthiness to receive: because only Him is Worthy to search the hearts. Thus the lover would not say the loved: burden, problem, rather 'my joy!' It also needs no comparison but simply it is: to love everyone he sees.

Lord, have mercy! I realize that in my weakness I could not love everyone at once, but Lord, grant me Thy Grace to love Thee and my neighbors as Thou hast commended, those whom by Thy Providence Thou hast made known to me and to come in Thy servant's life. Through the prayers of Thy Holy Mother and of our holy fathers and mothers, and the prayers of St. Theophilus, O Lord have mercy on us!

Going home!

This is a little bit announcement :). Tomorrow (Friday morning Indonesian Time) I will be on the trip to Sumatra island in the midst of crowd passengers with the same island destination. I am going to my small village where internet connection is not available, hence I will be online again in the end of this month if God still allows me another day to live. And for this time until then, please forget me and remember God more :)! But, sincerely, I need your prayers for safe journey!

I'll miss you so much!

Yudhie

when I think

When I think that I am good enough even better than my brothers,
I am ignorant! Only He who has shown everlasting and unshakable goodness is Good!

When I think that I am wise and smart enough, even better than my brothers,
I am ignorant! Only He whose Wisdom great and marvelous to be called Wise!

When I think that I am loving enough, even more pleasing than my brothers,
I am ignorant! Only He who has endured cross and full of humility is Love!

When I think that I am worthy enough, even higher than my brothers,
I am ignorant! Only He is Worthy!

Ignorant and unworthy... nothing: that's what I am.

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Beautiful saying of Father Paisius (Olaru) of Sihla Skete, Romania

"What is humility, Father Paisius?" some of his disciples once asked him.

Fr. Paisius: "Humility is the thought and conviction of our heart that we are more sinful than all men and unworthy of the mercy of God. Reviling ourselves does not mean that we have true humility. True humility is when someone shames and abuses us publicly, and we endure it and say, "God ordered that brother to shame me for my many sins." We should receive everything as a command from God. When someone shames you, say that God commanded him to do it. When someone takes something of yours, God commanded him to take it, in order to make you a monk. When you are removed from a higher place, God changed your place so that you would change from your passions and bad habits. This is true humility. And the pride is when we trust in ourselves, in our mind, our strength, when we think we are more capable than someone else, better, more beautiful, more virtuous, more pleasing to God. Then it is certain that we are overcome by the ugly sin of pride, from which may God, who humbled Himself for our salvation, preserve us. Let us humble ourselves, brethren, because a proud man cannot be saved. Let us weep for our sins here, so we can rejoice forever in the next life, for after we leave this world everyone will forget us. Let us not hope in men, but only in God..." (From The Orthodox Word, Vol 28, No 1 (#162 --Jan-Feb, 1992)

listen to the hearts

Each day we encounter at least some if not many people. Among those encounters, we have some interactions either by simply smiling, nodding, shake hands, or with some lines of sentences. We communicate with and communicate something to others in every single motions of ours. For me, each morning on waking up, I can see and say one or two words to some friends who detune in very soft voice, or still snoring on their beds.

Going to campus, I see many faces with various expressions, gestures and motions. Simply smiles and greet them: "Hi, Selamat pagi." or "Pagi, Ruth!", "Pagi, Ronny!" It's very good to see them in the morning and to see them smile back at me.

However, it's not a secret that when we meet and encounter those around us, some are ready, in good and cheerful mood yet some are distracted and needful. No wonder if sometimes they just didn't respond too enthusiastically and feel right. It is very challenging to me to find that others around me have feelings or emotions which influence how they respond and act. And living among youths make me realize about this little by little as the time goes by.

I am pondering on this and reminded with what St. James tells us, "Remember this, my dear brothers: be quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to rouse your temper" (James 1:19 JB). How true is it even to the smallest thing in our live. Let me to share an example I make for this with two scenes. The content and context are the same but the impact is totally different!

(1) (quick to speak, ignoring feeling)

"Hey Ken, Mr. X is very harsh and mean to me!"

"What do you say? it's not very polite.. Well, Yeah, I know sometimes he is!"

"It doesn't make sense that because I forgot (left) my homework at dorm then he spoke harsh to me!"

"Wow... How could he do that? I can't imagine that happens to me"

"Well, let's see if He would change from such badness or I will leave his class!"

(2) (quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger)

"Hey Ken, Mr. X is very harsh and mean to me!"

"You sounds very angry, Nick..."

"Yeah... It is just because I forgot (left) my homework at dorm, that he call me lazy and disrespect him!"

"Oh?"

"Well, sometimes I forgot something... but I don't like the way him doing."

"Mmm.. It must be upsetting to be misunderstood and it'll take a little time to get cool down and tell the truth"

"Yes... Next time I'll not leave my homework :D for sure! I think I will see Mr. X soon to explain it and to apologize for my carelessness this time."

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

a little adventure day

Eventually, I had the opportunity to get out of the box, i.e. my lovely dormitory :P and went to the traditional market with my friend, Dwi (Saturday, 05 Sep). The market I am talking about here is called "Malabar", a very typical name from West Sumatra which reminds me to Indian city. The majority of the merchants are from Padang (or more familiar with Minang ethnic, which is still in one family of Malay anthropologically). It is my campus friends' habit to go to this traditional market because then it will remind them to their hometown, and to get something more traditional or things with cheaper price that those in the mall.

Actually there is nothing special with the shopping! hahah. But it's very fun to simply walk around and try something new, get fruits and see many people. We tried to go to the silver jewelry store to mold the silver which my great friend gave me, but it's too complicated: they seemed not very comfortable to shape a cross of it, therefore many reasons were made to make it difficult. Well, then we continued to looked for Dwi's goods. While talking for awhile, I have just realized that my dad is an 'artist' who used to make knives, sculptures and etc. Aha... I and Dwi just laughed at me. I am considering to go home during this Lebaran (Idul Fitri) holiday on 20-27 Sep 2009. But I am not quite sure that I will (I have not decided yet).

One thing that made me think was what Dwi told me on the way to the market: "Hey 'Mr. Yudhie', You have grown to be a man!" I looked with amazement in my face. "'Mr. Dwi', what do you mean... hahah." "Simply to say, you looked more mature and no more like a child."

Well, I realized that sometimes in my naiveness and simplicity, I was just childish. And anyway thanks for the encouragement, friend!

Lord, You have made me very glad in everything; You allowed me to see and taste Your Goodness. Now, the time is just going on and on. Thanks and Glory to You for all things: for wonderful friendships, for each steps, responsibilities, opportunities, challenges; for tears of joy in happiness and of sorrow in the darkest night-- because You're always there!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You.

happiness

It is something that I sincerely appreciate, then I would dare it to be my happiness. What for if I get or even less then it, to desire everything, but it is of no value i.e. I don't appreciate or want. So, it is not what I have, but what I appreciate that makes my heart cheers.

Now, what is to be appreciated? My own goodness? Oh... I dun even have any goodness. Only One is Good. It is His Love which encompasses everything and limitless. Adam knows it very well how is it to loss such great love and true blissfulness which only we can find in the communion with Him through the Holy Spirit.

Only through the Holy Spirit then we can see the sweetness and joy of divine Love. It is in the obedience, repentance and humility then we will be full of joy to crawl in the harsh land, in narrow way. He will be our Guide to see and taste Goodness; our True Comforter and Counselor! In Him we are calling upon The Son of God and call God himself our Father.

Abiding in Him, we will see everything--our neighbors and even our enemies--in love. We love them even in our weaknesses and pains: love covers everything.

Lord Jesus Christ the Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

opening the heart....

I remember once when I was seven or eight years old in my school, a small and humble one and I was going to the school with a very cheerful face. New shoes, new shoes! My mother bought me a pair of little cute black shoes. They had the zips on the side to keep little things (I guess a coin of 50 or 100 rupiah). I was very weak boy, and thus walked so slowly and very easy to fall by nothing (imbalance). However, the days in school were very fun time for me: I love to be in school.

I used to go to school on foot because it was not very far (less than 1 km), and because my mother was often sick, I went alone or together with my friends through a muddy street in my remote village, wearing red-and-white uniform, in my back was my sister's old bag and her used-book. Everything was making me very glad and cheerful.

One day, something miserable was happened to me. I was ready to go home at 10:00 AM when I found that the shoes was not near the classroom's door. The shoes was lost! Oh... No! I was very disappointed and sad that time. I kept seeking it over and over again until 11:30 PM and eventually I went home. I was grieving, yet I had only the courage to cry on the way, but by the time I arrived at home, I hid my sadness in the front of my mom. Yet, sooner or later my mother asked me about the shoes. I was very shocked and couldn't say a word. I looked at my mother's eyes, but then bowed my heads. I was so sad, fear, perplexed and many things were in my head. My mother came to know that I was lost the shoes and since then until some time I didn't wear shoes to school (as a couple of my friends didn't).

As a little boy, I didn't learn enough about openness to express the feeling and as a Javanese, I didn't really enjoy speak 'directly' because that would be too tough for me to be hurt or blamed. Yet, my mother had encouraged and taught me a lot what honesty is, although she used to be 'too' firm.

But, as the time goes on, the Lord allowed me to learn from many about this, even when my heart was so discouraged and ugly . "Where there is some unspoken, unaddressed and unresolved area of conflict (and also other hard parts of interactions), our heart can become closed" (John Townsend, bracket added by me).

Until now assertiveness and courage have been the area of my weaknesses. Lord, may your love be made perfect in my weaknesses, because it is all not about me, for there's no good or worthy in me but You! Glory to Thee, O God! Glory to Thee!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God have mercy on me a sinner!

today...

today.... at least there are two different things happened unusually for me. Doing physics homework very early in the morning [and what a relieve that finally it's done!], so the time for rest was quite limited. Yet, I still must attend 4 classes for the whole day. That's good news :p, at least because by that there will be plenty of time for me to study together with my friends and lecturers. My Pedagogy class has been so great: watched Harry Wong's video about the choice to do in the first day of school. I really enjoyed it and got a good inspirations from his very good ideas of teaching.

Until we got to the class of "Proper Theology", Doctrine of God (By the way, I am not a seminarian, but my scholarship program provides me with those courses during my study, while I am in Teachers College right now -red) where we were shocked by.... earthquake... literally earthquake! Its magnitude, according to later TV news was 7.3 SR [according Wikipedia 7.00 SR] (Ritcher). Our building was shaken but praise the Lord, there is not any serious damage. The epicentrum (i.e. center of the earthquake) was 142 km from Tasikmalaya City, West Java [Jawa Barat]. As soon as possible, we were evacuated from the building and there were lots of panic in our campus.

And I am reminded immediately by that, how near is the end of mankind's life here on earth, either through natural disasters, persecutions, sickness and many things else. Remembering that this life of ours as the preparation for eternity, I bow down before the Lord: Lord, have mercy on me a sinner!

He is faithful!

These weeks has been a trully 'university days' for me: classes, homeworks, assignments, papers, work hours and friendship times. At times, I smile so widely and enjoy this so much, since I know that this kind of crowd, busy and noisy days and nights, I hardly find in my small village which also my [neighbor's] farmland (by the way I was vegetable gardener!), where the youths of my age would be so far away in the days helping their parents cultivating their paddy fields (although sometimes I came along with them). However, I also feel sometimes to be over-loaded and overwhelmed here. But whatever I feel and think about what's happening with me right now, I realize that God has been very very faithful, firm, powerful, strong, loving, caring, and simply to say: He is everything for me.

And it is always a joy for me to keep this in my mind. In the mornings when I feel it'd be very hard to wake up, because I was so so tired and I'd think that it's better for continue sleeping :P, but by simply trusting in the Lord--that He is Faithful God both in the darkest and gloomiest days and in delightful ones, in the nights when I was anxious with the PSAL Physics project and Pedagogy microteaching plan--, then One thing is always to be priority, to trust Him and obey His Loving Will.

In every single laugther or tear, in every single smile or whimper, He is everywhere present. That also means whenever and wherever we are doing, we are always in one of this position: to obey or to rebel, to trust or to doubt, to heed or to ignore... Therefore, asking for God's mercy with contrition and humility must be in our days. "What is not in the light is all dark; likewise without humility there is nothing in a man but darkness alone."(St. Seraphim of Sarov) Yes, in everything, even in the sligthest matter. I would like to borrow Romanos' term for this: “all of us do witness” . And I am reminded by our Holy Fathers that our days are the days for repentace!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!