opening the heart....

I remember once when I was seven or eight years old in my school, a small and humble one and I was going to the school with a very cheerful face. New shoes, new shoes! My mother bought me a pair of little cute black shoes. They had the zips on the side to keep little things (I guess a coin of 50 or 100 rupiah). I was very weak boy, and thus walked so slowly and very easy to fall by nothing (imbalance). However, the days in school were very fun time for me: I love to be in school.

I used to go to school on foot because it was not very far (less than 1 km), and because my mother was often sick, I went alone or together with my friends through a muddy street in my remote village, wearing red-and-white uniform, in my back was my sister's old bag and her used-book. Everything was making me very glad and cheerful.

One day, something miserable was happened to me. I was ready to go home at 10:00 AM when I found that the shoes was not near the classroom's door. The shoes was lost! Oh... No! I was very disappointed and sad that time. I kept seeking it over and over again until 11:30 PM and eventually I went home. I was grieving, yet I had only the courage to cry on the way, but by the time I arrived at home, I hid my sadness in the front of my mom. Yet, sooner or later my mother asked me about the shoes. I was very shocked and couldn't say a word. I looked at my mother's eyes, but then bowed my heads. I was so sad, fear, perplexed and many things were in my head. My mother came to know that I was lost the shoes and since then until some time I didn't wear shoes to school (as a couple of my friends didn't).

As a little boy, I didn't learn enough about openness to express the feeling and as a Javanese, I didn't really enjoy speak 'directly' because that would be too tough for me to be hurt or blamed. Yet, my mother had encouraged and taught me a lot what honesty is, although she used to be 'too' firm.

But, as the time goes on, the Lord allowed me to learn from many about this, even when my heart was so discouraged and ugly . "Where there is some unspoken, unaddressed and unresolved area of conflict (and also other hard parts of interactions), our heart can become closed" (John Townsend, bracket added by me).

Until now assertiveness and courage have been the area of my weaknesses. Lord, may your love be made perfect in my weaknesses, because it is all not about me, for there's no good or worthy in me but You! Glory to Thee, O God! Glory to Thee!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God have mercy on me a sinner!