Squeeze

Not giving up the best is away faster and easier for the one who wish quick gratification. But, unfortunately, this is not the path into holiness. The path of holiness consist in the totality of our strength, love, heart and mind being attached and obsessed with God. And as usual, when it is about denying our old-self, it is not easy process.
In this manner, I am pondering the word 'squeeze' which I really love. It sounds like when we want to extract the best from a flower or fruit, we squeeze it until the sweetest (or at least the strongest) essence of these herbs comes out. Again, I can see the examples of many of our Saints both in the Scriptures and afterward living such a life which softly but inevitably tell us,


Just like a fruit sweet and tender
or flower in fragrant robe 
They are squeezed 
and yet
glowing brighter
reserving all the best
for the Master

When I bring this reflection upon myself, I realize that how far I am from those God-pleasing persons. I still let all those spacious spots in my life untended, or rather half-hearted tended. Those who really loves God has great desires and energy for God and that always amazes the world from time to time.

Enthusiasm for the Lord and for His Kingdom! How beautiful and desirable. All His righteous prophets and beloved people always has this with them. That's why a humble faith moves the mountain, for they live by the love toward the Lord of all. And for My sheep knows My voice and they joyfully run after this.

How lovely it is, when in the grace of God we carefully keep our obedience and diligently tend it just like a simple gardener tend his beloved plants. It might seem so simple and quiet, but it doesn't matter how wide is the land, but how much careful attention and love we pour out on that simple thing and eventually we are enabled to be faithful in little matters. 

Thus we will work anything which is entrusted to us whole-heartedly, beautifully and with full of energy and enthusiasm knowing that this is a providence from God to sanctify us!
Taste and see How good the Lord is!

Ready for anything

Waking up this morning, I felt something which was so strong but brought such calm breeze into my mind. I am so grateful for this sweetness, although I don't expect it to happen everytime. It is a feeling which we Indonesians call 'semangat' which is a word a little bit hard to translate in English, and when I look up, it sounds like 'enthusiasm'. This is a great one to start a day --- hmm infact a quite challenging day when we need to finish up the semester and preparing all the stuff for student's final exam.

But I really love the spirit which this mysterious feeling bore. That is the willingness to bear whatever comes. It is like wisphering, "ready for anything: for the fatigue, for the blame, for the joy , for the sorrow, for laughters, for the tears. Yes, ready to welcome whatever comes because of the belief that God is good and merciful. He will grant us what is beneficial for our salvation."

It is Christ who sustains our life. And He has shown us how joyful a man can be when he totally cling into Father's will. By saying joyful ofcourse it doesn't necessarily refer to external enjoyment, or even emotional comfort. It is beyond that, it is indescribable peace which God gives deep inside our heart.

When I observe, in my weakness sometimes it is easy for me to wander and seek artificial emotional relief and shortcut for such a sanctifying obedience which The Lord has mercifully granted me. That is the time when I start to not only say, 'It seems too heavy for me' (it's so humane) but also try to flee from it through procastination, etc. Lord, have mercy!

Yes, many times the obedience which we need to face seems to be irrational, exhausting or even unpleasant. But one thing is so sure that it is pure blessing from the Lord who always desires our salvation and return to Him. And we can still be joyful, when our mind is flooded with the rememberance of the Lord and it is as if we forget our burden. What we bear is Christ's yoke, which is light.

If we are in Christ, we are ready for anything good, pure and God-pleasing. It is because no longer I but Christ who lives in me. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Cultivate the small beauty

I have special admiration toward a person who can take almost useless things, i.e. things which look  cannot be improved and easier to just be abandoned, yet he or she treated it in such a way that it looks so beautiful and valuable.

When I think of this, what comes into my minds are the monastics who turn the deserts and places which are so often unfavorable to the world, yet with their loving and God-trusting hands, they turn   the surrounding becomes such splendid places not only outwardly but they also imbue the inner beauty even to the space in which they live to constantly praise and adore Christ. 

That always amazed me! When God pours out His grace to His beloved men and women, there always be the radiating beauty, the spreading fragrance. Somehow it reminds me of the story of Abraham whom in his humility and trust in God let his nephew Lot to choose the best for himself and accept whatever left out of it as a blessing for the Lord. Intriguing to see how the Lord pleased and indeed bless him.

True Christians from time to time have to deal with terrible time of persecution externally. It is their clinging to the God of Beauty, Creator and Giver of Everything Good which sustains them and enables them to declare and witness the unwavering truth and to glow such beauty of the Lord reflected on them. Not only externally, internally every Christian is at war with passions and deformation of innate beauty which the Lord bestows from the beginning. It surely takes such mysterious synergy of the grace of the Lord and totality of the love from the person toward the Lord for the transformation to take place.

Now, it's clear to me that it is the disposition of the heart which forms our inner life and that inner life shapes and transform our surrounding. Because love and inner peace transmit and sanctifies the ones who gaze upon it. It is a way better to have rather little materials sufficiently  filled with love, care and diligence rather than seeking and wanting for more but at the cost our soul becomes so burdened and whitered away. 

In the struggle with the passions, many times we prefer things rather than God. Achievements, acknowledgements, sudden urge of gratifications really tempts us and readily grasps our attention.

O Lord, Merciful Lord, look now upon the weakness and powerless of Thy servant! How as the deer pants for the water we thirst of You. Lord, save us from our passions. Transform us in Your Love and Beauty so that this small flame of love that we have for You can be brightened and sustained amidst the attacks of the arrows of pernicious passions. Be Thou our vision, our refuge and our defender O Lord for this heart of ours is Yours! Amen! 

Remember...

Thank you for the birthday greetings which you my dearest friends send me. I really appreciate it and wish all the best for you too. It seems that I have laid aside this blog for quite a time and now I miss it so much.

Life has been very good so far and I am very grateful to Christ, our Merciful Lord who has been so faithfully guiding and sustaining all in His Good Will. Going through the days and events in life, it makes even clearer that His love and care is unshakable. 

At the moment I am writing now, I am in Palembang city, South Sumatera. I have been placed here    some five months ago and it is likely I will be here for at least one another year for work reason. Living in this city has been such an experience; meeting new people, culture and challenges. But as I said, it is quite friendly life that I have here and that makes me smile often. 

I don't know why, today is a little bit 'different' in the sense that I got a handful feedbacks on little things which rather... hmm... unfamiliar and criticism in nature. Well, thanks for that. At least it helps me to see how far I am from perfection and that I need to be willingly accept so-called feedbacks and to learn things which are true but somehow... hurts. Funny, because they are not big matters but yes, I can learn a deeper thoughts from them. So very grateful!

One among poignant comments which I received sounds like, "You are such a perfectionist like when I was young." Hmm thanks for letting me know. Interesting. Lord, have mercy and help me to be as You will. And yes, I admit, still struggle with it. But realizing that I cannot save myself, rather it is God's abundant mercy and strength which leads me to the pasture land, I am so much comforted. Lord, may Your love alone covers me and guides me to the love and perfection which You deign. Only grant me Lord, to act wisely; to listen wisely and to respond wisely to the circumstances which comes so that Your Will might be done in every single breath of Your humble servant. 

Deep inside my heart, I am so thankful because Christ has filled everything with joy! And as Christians, what can add to the joy of knowing Him, the Only Begotten Son in Whom God the Father well pleased. The fact that He reveals the Way, Truth and Life is such a trembling mystery and what we need to do is to  partake into His life by love and obedience toward His commandments. 

Now I come to realize that God is ever good Lord. When He allows us to face different kind of situations, it is so that we might remember Him more and more. Because He knows that it is He Himself who can fill us with the truest peace and joy which we ever crave. And it is in gazing His Glorious beauty then we are healed and come to life! Glory to You, O God!

Yet, I know life is also a fierce battle.... of denying our old-self, fallen and corrupted one. Trampling down the ego can be such a squeezing experience. What can be our comfort but to know that our Hope and Refuge is Him who has come and trampling down death by His death. He shows the way to the Father.... the way of total love and obedience to the Father. That joy, that consolation which the world cannot offer is the fire which blazing in the saints. Let it be O Lord, that Your Good Will sanctifies us and leads us to You. Amen...

Persistent in love

Nowhere did I go to find such beauty
as the amazement
around the shadow of the full moon.
When the glimpse of the clouds tries its best
to hide the radiant rays of the moon,
it cannot fade,
it rather makes the beauty of the moon
become more apparent.
Such is the persistence of beauty,
and the persistence of love.


The world can be a place
where mistrust and preoccupation
makes our love to be suspected.
Many people rather love to comment
and think of the unthinkable evil.
But I trust in man's original innocence;
in that they have also the capacity to trust;
only sometimes blurred.
How starving humanity is!

Cruelty will always bear hatred
and another dozen cruelties.
In the gentle encounter of love and trust
even towards a very lame and unworthy one,
joy and peace are being conceived.
Not in one night or two,
but it can be such a lengthy path.
Yet once your feet step on it,
you will become meek and ardent.
You will humbly accept blessings
in disguise of sorrow or pain.
But that is love and it endures...

How can words and gestures
become tremendous healing and warming power?
When done in silence and in love,
that is in prayer to the Lord the Lover of Humankind.
It needs no bells nor cymbals
but a simple wooden stick
to sustain the swing of the legs.
Simply calmed down and being watchful,
invoking the most powerful Name in the entire universe,
the love and joy from the Almighty One
greets your heart
and the heart becomes full of energy,
full of eros
that will make you ready to love.

Do you have....

The most frequently asked question for me these months is, "Do you have a girl friend?" Several people started inquire about these things on me. Some are from my mother's generations and some are from my generation. Men and women alike. I guess many of them asked me because they are curious and just want to know a little bit and some because they want to be one. Just kidding.

Well, as you might guess... My answer is,"No... Not yet". I had never had a real girlfriend. May be simply because it's not yet time. Honestly, I am not that passionate about that but yes, of course I want to get married one day. It is a matter of time.

While it sounds simple and trivial, I think quite seriously on this matter. I can say that I am being too sophisticate and somehow choosy. I really hope that I will get a little bit illumination, patience and humility when the time arrives to really open my heart to build a loving and sanctifying relationship of man and woman, living in a Christ-like manner.

Speaking about patience and wait for the Lord to work in our life, it is such a struggle. Now I remember how Isaac met Rebecca, or how Tobias met his wife. Those stories are very beautiful and edifying. Just be cool, man! And obediently wait for the Lord's hands to guide us and place us in the best one according to His will. Personally for me, the challenge in this matter comes from my own commitment to trust the Lord for He knows and gives the wisest and best answer. Yet, many times temptations come either from 'social pressure' or from my own urge for instant gratification. But His love endures forever! I trust He deems best and May the Lord guide and sustain us even when we fall to abide and obey His will! Amen.

All is blessing

It's been so great to explore and discover lots of new things in my travel to Thailand recently. I have been so blessed to see such beauty and splendor in this golden kingdom. Travelling by myself gave me spacious chance to reflect and to quietly admire the uniqueness of the foods, culture and Thai people. Amusing to hear many people commented, "You really look like a Thai." I appreciate those who have commented me.

Now a couple days passed and I am back to the 'normal life'. I really miss the athmosphere of Thailand, Thai's laughters and its hectic crowds. Everything is blessing from the Lord, I am really thankful for that. The more I realize that I really am like a Thai and try to hide it, to more I am being one. It's so funny sometimes but it's something good.

Living my age of 23 has been so windy and stromy. There are moments when I am so empty and craving for love and attention, but there are also times when I feel ready to give up anything for love. Times when cares, thoughts of self-indulge and of settled life crowded my mind but also times of deep contemplation and yearning for real spiritual life.

How can I deal with such unstable mood and highly charged emotionality? The fear of the Lord and love toward Him is the best of all. I remember a time when simply to sit quietly before the presence of the mighty Lord is the best moment in life. A brisk walk to chat light talk with nearest friends or even stranger is the most joyous day. Well, there is a really dangerous cliff for me personally in this journey and that is the feeling of loneliness.
All is great blessing from the Lord, despite my fragile and vulnerable emotions. I want to cling only to the Lord's love which is so stable and invincible to save me to the promised land. Glory to You, O Lord!

not in a hurry, more deliberate

It is in paying attention to the detail and small things then we learn to really care and to be present. The spirit of working in rush, or as quick as possible may have certain negative sides as we push ourselves so hard that we could also harm our soul. It is much better to work on the insignificant with patience, deligence with much love than accomplishing big tasks with grudge and restlessness. Most important of all, always be in the present of the Lord. Let us move in Him, walk in Him and have our being in Him while we have constant rememberance of His mercy, being grateful.

One concern might arise then, "So what about priority? Or target or goals that has been set for certain tasks that we must do? Isn't it a waste of time to stick on those small things, which could also delay or shaddow the more significant one?" Well, yes in one extreme that could be the case, but only in extreme manners. When we learn to love what we do, we simultaneously recognizes the parts that needs really careful attention. Thus we pour our care in such away that we would treat it like violin strings, moderately and harmonically -- not too much or too little.

In that part is our mindfulness be trained. We are being faithful with what might seem small things that the Lord entrusts us to do. We joyfully do our parts as if and it is indeed for the Lord, to please Him sincerely. Let us challenge ourselves in this blessed season to walk and work rather deliberately with care and great love, always giving spaces between time to refresh our rememberance of the Holy name with awe. Glory to God!

A very touching song...

... was made in 12th century by Rabi Avraham Even Ezra. The words are very simple, childlike yet have deep and poignant meaning resounding our relationship with The Lord. Here is the Hebrew version of the poem. The english translation follows after it.

לך אלי תשוקתי
בך חשקי ואהבתי
לך ליבי וכליותי
לך רוחי ונשמתי

לך אזעק
בך אדבק
עדי שובי לאדמתי
לְךָ אֲנִי בְּעוֹדִי חַי
וְאַף כִּי אַחֲרֵי מוֹתִי

השיבני ואשובה...
ותרצה את תשבותי....

לך ידי
לך רגלי
וממך היא תכונתי

לך עצמי,
לך דמי
ועורי עם גויתי.

To You my God, my passion,
On You my desire and my love,
To You belong my heart and my kidneys,
To You my spirit and my soul.

To You will I cry,
on You I will hold on,
Until I come to my true homeland...
I belong to You as long as I live,
and also after my death...

Help me come back and I will come back,
and welcome my remorse

To You my hands,
To You my legs,
and from You are my traits,
To You my bones ,
To You my blood,
and my skin with my corpse,

You can watch the video on youtube by clicking this link

get connected

Out there some people might feel unloved. Very so often what they need is a droplet of compassion to see that they are infact loved. Once one's heart realizes God's love and be surrounded by it, the person is overwhelmed with joy and thanksgiving. It is in the confidence of Lord's unconditional and ultimate love toward us, then we have no fear to love and make room for anybody, even to our enemies.

When we fail to see Lord's mercy which has been bestowed upon us, and thereby fail to have awe and fear before His greatness, our love toward others becomes cold. Acts of mercy and compassion would only be possible if we cling to the Lord, because it flows from the heart that is full of gratitude and amazement toward God's mighty work. Keeping our heart warm with the grace from the Holy and Life giving Spirit, we can be a healing presence for others. That is why it is essential for us to keep our mind pure and humble before the Lord not merely by being pious or religious but by being sincere in our repentance.

We are being invited to respond the Lord's indescribable love by saying yes to His Holy Will at any moment. We are created in love, through love and for love of Him. What is more glorious and joyous than being called His own inheritance? Having constant rememberance of Him before our eyes encouraged us to be connected to the Source of all that is good! Only in Him, because apart of Him we can do nothing.

Lots of time, the most difficult person to love is the one who is disconnected, isolated and hid himself in dishonesty. Wounds and disappointments can be so dominant in one's mind, that he mistrusts sincere love from his neighbour. Even in receiving mercy and love it is necessary to put off pride and self-preoccupation, what is more in giving. We need to humble ourselves to reach out and to embrace others, bestowing mercy and forgiveness to each other. Let's get connected, because that is the door of care and love.

facing it

I do not need to look for it. It is there. Everything is provided very sufficiently and for our good sake. Once or more I hit the point where the hurt is really diving inside, yet it is not for long. Everything that He allows is always worth it to be grateful for. Yes, even in the darkest and unimaginable moment, His love is sovereign!

Never have I imagined that I come across this locus. In the edge of life's peninsula, where the struggle is not only day by day but even more than that each minute. Keep thinking and pondering upon it, I have to confess that I can do nothing apart from Him. Sometimes the thought to withdraw and hide from the battlefield sneaking into mind, but then my heart says, "Be still and wait for the Lord! He is faithful!"

I cry out though sometimes in my heart, what is this all about? For it is surely a torment for comfort zone! Very especially when it feels like anything that naturally I am and I do --suddenly becomes a mistake to be mend. Yet, thanks for all these challenges which inevitably crushes my stony heart, feeling of self-sufficiency and imaginary contentment. I am trained to fight in the battlefield. Not against anybody, but against my own pride and immaturity.

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You

It is simple

Today I reflect on how simple life is and it would be better to be kept this way. It is as simple as the blowing wind, the blossoming flowers and the chanting of the birds. Stillness in every step and smile, accepting everything and give it back with open hands. When it is sweet, just say it calmly, "this is sweet" and when the scorching thrist comes, just say, "I am thirsty." It is that simple, calm without prejudice. Behind most of complex and unnecessary thoughts is worry and fear. In this glasses of worry and fear, then beauty seemed like blur. In simple mind, even little thing is beautiful.

So glad that at least I talked to others today, thank God, listened to beautiful Turkish music and traveled around Jakarta. Yet wait, it is not how many events that I can experience today or how many people that come and entertain me matters, it is as much as I am being present in those little tiny moments, that what really matters. It is not the feeling or sensation not even experience which is rewarding. Life itself is the reward.

It is not about seeking comfort or instant gratification, because I realize that my emotions, moods, etc are not reliable and quickly changes. But it is about being still and seeing things in prespective. But whose perspective and in what? It is perspective in the belief that the Lord is beautiful and He creates everything beautifully.

Thanks

This week my mood a little bit changed. I do not really know what has happened to me, but I feel one thing for certain that I feel more relaxed toward thing. Well, it is not very far from pacifying 'que sera sera' or non-atachments toward what happens, but not exactly that. It is a gift, something given and not from myself. It's like when worries becomes last option in a journey. My mind has been so familiar with this one: worries! Yet I think it is a good idea to get familiar with other way of mind: being thankful.
My attachments toward comfort and sometimes pleasure makes my thinking unfair at times. I love anything tasty but avoid anything sour. It is time for me to embrace both. This is a challenge but why not? I would love it.
Being brave and calm is the one that my state yearns for. By brave here I mean, being myself and abiding in the things that the Lord wants me to be. While calm means being unshakable and still. This is an art and the main course for this art is gratitude.
Sometimes I ask myself... Hm, OK, but thankful to whom and for what? And the answer is the first and foremost to the Lord! He is good and His love endures forever. Just pondering on this short but beautiful line makes my heart want to thank Him: He is good and His love endures forever. What can be more amazing than that? Second to those people who cares of us and deal with us in grace. Then, to our friends and enemies. Simply thank everybody! Because they have helped us to shape us! For what? For everything! :)