going home

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

I am going home to Sumatra island during this school holiday. I'll be back about a week later (April 06), if God grant his unworthy servant another day to live. But if not, Blessed be His Name!

Grace and peace
Yudhie

keep me awake...

in the dawn...
keep me awake, O Lord
keep me awake
I want to see You
and sing to You a hymn of praise and honor

Lord, our Good Shepherd,
may You find me
because I am lost and weak
but I really long for You and Your Love
Cleanse me O Lord and grant me your mercy
to come near, closer to You

My sin is ever before me
and I am ashamed
Lord, heal me and restore me
so that I might gaze upon Your Beauty in awe
and Your faithfulness and deliverance
shall be in my heart and mouth

Lord, how great and trembling it is
to follow behind You
in the steps of Your Holy Feet
Joy! Joy! Joy!
even the way is narrow
and the thorn bushes along the side
but gazing upon Your Humility and Love,
strengthens us and comforts us

in the day light...
May your blessing be upon us
teach us and guide us with Your commandments
to walk patiently in the rocky, stony roads

Lead me in the Beautiful path among the loving brothers and sisters, Your rational flock
those through whom You also manifest Your Love
may we be united in one voice, mind and spirit
to glorify You, our Master!
and to love our neighbors

In the night...
let us rest and take shelter in You
because You are our Only Joy!

Keep me awake,
keep me awake O Lord,
that I may sing to You
in fervent Joy that comes from You!

In Your love

Upon Waking up from my humble bed in this morning, I made the precious sign of the cross and invoked the Most Holy Trinity. How gracious is the Lord that He in his kindness still allow me to have another day here in the earth. I gave thanks the Lord for His benevolence and mercy second after second in my life, even in my unworthiness. This is the day that the Lord has made and Lord, in Your mercy, fill my heart and mouth with Thy praise. Lead me in every way to do and think of what is pleasing unto You... You know how weak and distracted I am, Lord may You surround Your unworthy servant with wall of Your grace.

Joy, peace You have granted

and You fill my heart and mouth with praise

Your faithfulness and kindness endure forever, O Lord

They never fail

With Your mighty arms You hold me

and I am safe in the midst of the storms

as unreliable and lame as I am

You never leave me even in a glance

Your love endures forever

Teach us O Lord

to see how may days we have

and we will be no more

that our heart be filled with Your remembrance

and seek the sweetest of all: Your kingdom and Your righteousness

that upon leaving this mortal tent

we cling unto Your light and glory

You heal us with Your patience and mercy

You speak to us in Magnificence

You sustains us with Your own blood and body

In the days of danger, Your heavenly servants surround us

in the days of misery Your Most Pure Mother delivers us

and Your beloved ones weep for us

How great is your Love

In the days when You allow us to be hungry and thirsty

let us be reminded to hunger and thirst Your righteousness

In every day, fill our heart with Love

In Your Love, may we find peace and courage

to love others as You have loved us

sweeping away all the arrogance

to greet everyone who may meet us in patience and understanding

In the day I fall,

Lord, may Your mercy be upon me

and may You help me to pass through the door of repentance

Lord, in You I hide

Your love is my refuge

And generation after generation shall proclaim:

“Taste and see that the Lord is good.” Amen.

St Silouan on Love (quoted from FOCUS UNSW's blog)

The soul cannot know peace unless she prays for her enemies. The soul that has learned of God's grace to pray, feels love and compassion for every created thing, and in particular for mankind, for whom the Lord suffered on the Cross, and His soul was heavy for every one of us.

The Lord taught me to love my enemies. Without the grace of God we cannot love our enemies. Only the Holy Spirit teaches love, and then even devils arouse our pity because they have fallen from good, and lost humility in God.

I beseech you, put this to the test. When a man affronts you or brings dishonor on your head, or takes what is yours, or persecutes the Church, pray to the Lord, saying: "O Lord, we are all Thy creatures. Have pity on Thy servants and turn their hearts to repentance," and you will be aware of grace in your soul. To begin with, constrain your heart to love enemies, and the Lord, seeing your good will, will help you in all things, and experience itself will shoe you the way. But the man who thinks with malice of his enemies has not God's love within him, and does not know God.

If you will pray for your enemies, peace will come to you; but when you can love your enemies - know that a great measure of the grace of God dwells in you, though I do not say perfect grace as yet, but sufficient for salvation. Whereas if you revile your enemies, it means there is an evil spirit living in you and bringing evil thoughts into your heart, for, in the words of the Lord, out of the heart proceed evil thoughts - or good thoughts.

The good man thinks to himself in this wise: Every one who has strayed from the truth brings destruction on himself and is therefore to be pitied. But of course the man who has not learned the love of the Holy Spirit will not pray for his enemies. The man who has learned love from the Holy Spirit sorrows all his life over those who are not saved, and sheds abundant tears for the people, and the grace of God gives him strength to love his enemies.

Understand me. It is so simple. People who do not know God, or who go against Him, are to be pitied; the heart sorrows for them and the eye weeps. Both paradise and torment are clearly visible to us: We know this through the Holy Spirit. And did not the Lord Himself say, "The kingdom of God is within you"? Thus eternal life has its beginning here in this life; and it is here that we sow the seeds of eternal torment.
Where there is pride there cannot be grace, and if we lose grace we also lose both love of God and assurance in prayer. The soul is then tormented by evil thoughts and does not understand that she must humble herself and love her enemies, for there is no other way to please God.

What shall I render unto Thee, O Lord, for that Thou hast poured such great mercy on my soul? Grant, I beg Thee, that I may see my iniquities, and ever weep before Thee, for Thou art filled with love for humble souls, and dost give them the grace of the Holy Spirit.

O merciful God, forgive me. Thou seest how my soul is drawn to Thee, her Creator. Thou hast wounded my soul with Thy love, and she thirsts for Thee, and wearies without end, and day and night, insatiable, reaches toward Thee, and has no wish to look upon this world, though I do love it, but above all I love Thee, my Creator, and my soul longs after Thee.
O my Creator, why have I, Thy little creature, grieved Thee so often? Yet Thou hast not remembered my sins.

Glory be to the Lord God that He gave us His Only-begotten Son for the sake of our salvation. Glory be to the Only-begotten Son that He deigned to be born of the Most Holy Virgin, and suffered for our salvation, and gave us His Most Pure Body and Blood to eternal life, and sent His Holy Spirit on the earth.

O Lord, grant me tears to shed for myself, and for the whole universe, that the nations may know Thee and live eternally with Thee, O Lord, vouchsafe us the gift of Thy humble Holy Spirit, that we may apprehend Thy glory.

http://theodorakis.net/orthodoxquotescomplete.html

Thanks, Pandelis :)!

from one minute to the next

The hot sunny day has been changed a little bit into rainy days recently. I don't know why but I always feel that every rain falls around me is special. Many times it reminds me to my life in the past. That was the time when I was a cheerful, thoughtful and calm young boy.

One among memories I have is to go to the fields with my beloved sister Susi, right after the rain was over. I was about eight or so at that time and my sister was 16. And this was our favorite thing to do: we crop the wild mushrooms from the stacks of harvested soybean trees which usually sprung up noisily after the rain. The field was not really far from our house, just one or so mile away. Together with my sister, I would be so excited to pick the mushrooms up and gather it with laughter and stories told by my nicest sister I have ever had! This was the custom of our village, to gather the food, vegetables and fruits directly from the field :D. After gathering the delicious food-to be, we went to search another favorite menu: snails. So going home we had gathered something to cook. The mushrooms would be cooked with spicy chili pepper and many spices, Indonesian way. And the snails will be processed to be a very delightful menu and I think it was not less delicious than "Feuilleté aux escargots"!

O, time... It's as though happen yesterday but actually it has been 13 years ago. I still remember how my sister tirelessly encouraged me and helped me to hope instead of so many difficulties and challenges in our days. Although after she being in university, we could hardly meet each other anymore but I always remember her smile and kindness to her only little brother...

My dear sister, happy birthday to you! One day in the Lord's time, I hope that you'll also come home to the Holy Orthodox Faith. Look, how Lord has been so faithful and kind to us. His Mighty arms faithfully vouchsafe us from one minute to the next. And for me, and let it be also for you, to worship and serve the Lord the whole day of my life. God bless you, Mbak Susi!

reflection on silence

It is weekend, and praise God that it is weekend :). In this time, to stay in silence and in rest and to stay with the Master of all, would be great. It is one of the beauty that we need during our days: silence, to stay still and wait for the Lord. "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Sometimes, in a busy world, many are caught in the trap of hurried-ness and many cares, and our minds becomes overwhelmed. Either caused by our works, or even by getting too much information from the net, they may be very harmful to us if we forget when to pull ourselves out and when to stop. In that particular occasion, it'll be very easy for us to be tempted into anger, impatience and inability to have self-control. In each day, how necessary it is for us to devote a time of silence and have the remembrance of Our Beloved God.

Personally, it is very beneficial for me to have that specific time and place to lay aside the exceeding cares, stay silent and pray. However, I realize that the more important is to have the silence of the heart. The external silence is very important and helpful, yet it is not the end in itself, it must be followed by the silence of the heart. As our holy father Abba Poemen used to tell us, ”A man may seem to be silent, but if his heart is condemning others, he is babbling ceaselessly. But there may be another who talks from morning till night and yet he is truly silent, that is, he says nothing that is not profitable.”

Thus, it is good in every time to pause ourself and to refrain from grumbling, judging and losing our temper. And in any occasion it is wonderful to whisper the Holy Name of the Lord, to trust in Him who guides us and even grants us the silence and pure mind... and not be frustrated with trying what we think is pleasing to Him and being upset. Rather, it is to acknowledge our (my) insufficiency even to have silence, and thus to let Him work within us, cleansing us and transforming us from inside out. What can we do outside of God's blessing? Even to say a single prayer, to live out our faith and especially to overcome temptation, the first and ultimate thing we need is... God's mercy! As St. Benedict of Nursia says, "We must therefore beg the Lord with many sighs, striking our hearts as well as our breasts, never to leave us His servants without His help…by the protection of His assistance, to surround us with the wall of His grace and by His defense ward off the incursion … " (Orthodox Life Tips)

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

morning song

A new day shines, and joy goes with the sun

glimmering the wet leaves
soon vaporizing under strong sunny light
and birds perch with their strong claws
in the branches of the shade tree
chanting a sweet sound to the children

Comfort, not all are
it's not about pleasure
not all are pleasant
but in everything there will be joy

thrown out and fall on the street,
young leaves smile cheerfully
they kiss the earth and be forgotten
until the mighty rain fall and they're swept away

a pearly rose comes up from the ground
yet it springs the thorns
and the noisy weed in the field
spread out its greenery in beauty

in the day coming, O ants
know I not what will be
a stone, shards or gravels
ropes, sword or fire
hidden from my eyes

how many days, how many days
neither know I
it's near I feel
just like a juicy honey comes out from the little buds
and so quickly they shy away

***

O, heart
just abide, hook freely
Your Maker knows who you are
and always be there in every-time
not always to please, not always to grant
but to strengthen and to sustain
through the strongest wind of the east,
the darkest valley of the north,
the cloudiest sky in the west,
and the fiercest waterspout in the south

Let His mighty Arms carry you.

***

-Yudhie

"Rejoice and be glad that we belong to Christ" (Elder Nikolai Gurianov).

the ministry of presence

How precious today is! I learn something that is so true in the relationship with others. It started when I was speaking to my beloved co-workers in the library. There was something which I felt different today in the way of communicating with those whom God love, my beloved friends. That was a little thing which makes things be different, because we talk as a good friends and listen to the hearts; to speak the truth in love.

It is my own fear, mistrust and weakness which fails me to really being present for others. At times, I am easily preoccupied with my own thoughts, expectations and dreams. How easy for me to be defensive and fail to listen to others' hearts. Actually how beautiful it is to stop the busy and preoccupied thought and shift it to the state of prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me!" And by silencing our own mind, we then open our hearts and minds first of all to God and the next to others.

It is good for us to greet and simply listen to the voices and cries of others. When will we pause our own hurriedness to talk to simply be there with them and listen to them? To care for the people which in the providence of God to meet me today in peace, even as broken as I am, but whom God wants that his unworthy servant to be His vessel for these people. Sometimes and often, we find they act or behave in the way which we don't expect. They seems to be so hard and difficult. And in this, we start to escape ourselves from the hurt. But before we do that, have we really listened to their hearts and prayed for them?

In my early life and even until now, it is not an easy thing to get involved with others, especially emotionally. But now, I find that it is important to consider that human hearts --and not only their brains who speak. I need to acknowledge their cries, fears, angers, tears and and little sounds which comes from their wounded souls when I listen to them. This will allow us to move with compassion and bring our presence to them and to pray for them. Do we really listen and response or do we easy to speak and then forget?

St. Siloanos often used to pray like this: "Lord, give me tears that my heart can weep with love for my brother." (An Athonite Gerontikon, p. 256)

Lord, have mercy!

abide with the Lord

The Lord, once said to His disciples, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work" (John 3:14 NKJV). And we, as His followers, who are being loved by Him and who are called to love Him with all our hearts and minds and strengths. What is our food? That is what is our greatest desire and longing? Let us set our hearts to seek His Kingdom and its righteousness first. To ask, to seek and to knock to the Most Benevolent One to our souls. My soul becomes so moved when I stop for awhile and realizing how I have wandered during the day: Lord, have mercy. How distracted and weak I am. Forgive my negligence and laziness, O Lord! Teach me to be faithful even in the little things that You have trusted me, not according to my favor because my own thought is limited and deceptive. Rather, to do every little things which You have trusted me in your kindness to do in faithfulness and joy; and know that You and your holy servants are always there before me!

I rejoice to hear the words of Your holy servant that are very true and beneficial,

Concerning the constant abiding with God, St. Anthony teaches: "Let your soul abide with the Lord at all times, and let your body abide on earth as a statue. Always stand upright before the face of the Lord. Let the fear of God always be before your eyes; and in like manner, remembrance of death, repulsion of everything worldly. Die every day that you may live; for whoever fears God will live forever. Be constantly vigilant so not to fall into laziness and idleness. Abhor all that is worldly and distance yourself from it or else it will distance you from God. Abhor all that will bring ruin to your soul. Do not deviate from God for the sake of transient things. Do not accept the example of one weaker than yourself rather from the one who is more perfect. Before all else continually pour out prayer, give thanks to God for all that would befall you. If you would fulfill all that is commanded, you will receive the inheritance `What the eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart what God has prepared' " (1 Corinthians 2:9). ( St. Nikolai Velimirovic c.f. http://stnicholasredbank.com/feb15-22.htm#m7).

Glory to You, O God! Grant me Thy remembrance in my heart. Amen!

Psalms of the day

Again, how beautiful the Psalms are. They convey expressions that are really humane in a divine way! Reciting these beautiful hymns, songs and poems and yes, prayers-- drew my heart into the struggle of the writer which bring a sound and beautiful state of prayer, adoration, tears and acclamation of God's faithfulness and greatness. How beautiful indeed that God allows this to be one of His gifts, His revelation to us. This great prayer book helps us to gaze the Lord and cling unto Him! No wonder that Our Holy Fathers and Mothers along history and even now love this book and learn the prayers by heart!

"Look after me, God, I take shelter you.

To Yahweh you say, "My Lord,
you are my fortune, nothing else but you,.." (Psalm 16:1-2 Jerusalem Bible).

"Yahweh, my heritage, my cup,
you and you only hold my lot secure;
the measuring line marks out delightful places for me,
for me the heritage is superb indeed.
I bless Yahweh, who is my counselor,
and in the night my inmost self instructs me;
I keep Yahweh before me always,
for with him at my right hand nothing can shake me.

So my heart exults, my very soul rejoices,
my body, too will rest securely,
for you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
nor allow the one you love to see the Pit;
you will reveal the path of life to me,
give me unbounded joy in your presence,
and at your right hand everlasting pleasures". (Psalm 16:5-11 JB)

"I love you, Yahweh, my strength
(my savior, you rescue me from violence).
Yahweh is my rock and my bastion,
my deliverer is my God" (Psalm 18:1-2 JB)

Glory to you, O God! Glory to you!

perceiving others

Living among persons whom God allows to be with us now (and even in the past and in the future) has been really a great gift for us to learn to love. We are relational being, created by God who is love. He is the Philanthropist, the Lover of Mankind. And from day to day, there exists many opportunities and actually each moment are given for us to grow in His grace to love Him and love others. How great is his faithfulness and goodness!

Many times, I failed though. But how merciful He is that He never gives up to bestow His mercy and lead His unworthy servant into the green pasture land through the door of repentance. Glory to You, O God.

The way we perceive others reflects our hearts: Is it love, compassion, patience, kindness, and joy which flowing from our hearts toward others? And where are those fruits come from, if not from the Spirit who dwells within us? Rest in Him completely and make Him our only Joy! How beautiful it is for us to submit in reverence and love, "Let Thy will be done" and say yes whenever He asks us to do. He is faithful and know the best! And isn't it sweet to invoke His Holy name and ask for His mercy to love, because only in Him we are being enabled to love.

Unless we accept others as who really they are with their weaknesses and pain, can we really love them? Or will we accept only the 'good side' of the people? It is not for us to judge others, rather as the Lord told us even to love our enemies; to speak the truth in love so firmly. We are messengers of His love! Love gives birth to prayers and compassion. Love transforms the hearts. And our attitude toward others, even just a sight reflects and radiates our love to them! I find that this little words which my friend used to tell me is so simple but very deep and true: "Remember Lord always...be kind and respectful to everybody!"

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me!