being faithful

After awhile, I come across this topic of being faithful. This seems to me to be the week-long reflection which eventually written down into this post. 

In my work life during the month, it could be somehow exhausting. Needless to say that the past few days has been rather tough for me both physically and mentally. Special fatigue came from long list of due dates and students affairs which seems so dynamics and 'endless'. Once I got chance to share it with my friend, I told him very casually that I feel overwhelmed. To my surprise his response was very unusual. Instead of telling me to try harder and 'don't give up', he very indistinctly said,"Just slow down, man!" That's all and I kept silent for a moment.  

Wow! I exclaimed to my self. That's it. That was actually all I needed to hear. I need to slow myself down; well not in a sense of slothfulness --but rather to lay aside all those burdens of proving great works and trusting more to the Lord! He takes care and what I need to do is to say yes to every of His will. The Lord knows that his servants also need rest and I feel almost like dancing in my heart. Yes. I need to slow down to be able to collecting myself and be totally there. 

So, how can this relate to 'faithfulness'? Hm. Well, that came to me a few days later. So, there I was trying to make it easy and slow down a little bit. The moment when I started to agonizing about what shall I do or how can I manage to do multiple tasks, etc; I give it up in prayers and whisper to myself, "Totally slow down, please." Ta-da! That's awesome. The moment I became calmer, the specific things which I could work on flew by itself. Without even realizing it, I started do the things I need to do. Praise the Lord. So, I understand now, we cannot accomplish anything simply by being panic and anxious. But by being still and know that the Lord is there, that He shines His countenance upon us! And that is where our faithfulness takes form; since "Without Me, you can do nothing." In keeping the remembrance of Him and not being distracted by stormy sea around us, then we can give our self totally to Him!

And finally, I want to share this simple but beautiful words of beloved Mother Lila, "All feelings of anxiety spring from imagination. I, too am in this world. I, too, have to pay my telephone bill and all the rest. But I am not anxious. Because I know that the Lord will provide what is necessary at the right moment - exactly what and how much is needed." (The Ascetic of Love, p. 333)

--Glory to You, O Christ! --Such a beautiful faith! Faith which led her faithful till the end.  

Keep balance

I smiled this morning. When I awoke with mundane heaviness to start the day, I tried to collect myself and made the sign of the precious cross. Yes, it is Sunday! The day of the Lord and thus time to remember Him in a special way, by going to His temple. Silently I sat by my bedroom and not too long before my worries and cares arose in the corner of my heart as to think about what I need to do, what I need to plan and a lot more. Suddenly it feels like a light to my mind. "Hey, why not to be more deliberate; to learn to be present where I am without being eaten up by the urgency to rush and to make my day?"

Yes, that is the very first battle of the mind: to be constantly occupied by so many cares and lose ourselves in agony about what to come, or simply being there, trusting Him who will guide us and show us what He wants us to do. To be honest, in my inexperienced mind, I'd rather try so hard to manage my day in such away to avoid undesirables. I will make five of 'list to do' for the day and ended up doing only one. I tried to figure out, solve and got quite hectic for the day and ended up being overwhelmed and worn out. This habit, in my reflection although is not totally wrong can lead to fatigue and depression. So, what point do I need to recheck?

And that's the reason I smiled this morning. I learn that everything needs to start, to be guided and to be shrouded by prayers! Nothing can be accomplished, can be thanked for and can be celebrated in truest sense-without prayer -- without our gaze toward Him who loves us all. The art of being in peace, being in the present moment, enjoying our work and tasks lies in offering up our trust and constant remembrance of  the Lord. And for me, number one enemy to make this possible is irrational worry and anxiety.

Thus, by being more deliberate, turning any slightest thought of concern into prayer and silence before the Lord results in the sweet stream of peace and joy even in the most demanding hours of our day. We realize where we are, what we are doing, and at the same time we offer incense of prayer and thanksgiving to the Lord.

So, I learn today that in any moment of temptation, difficulty and heavy labor, it is most fitting to seek refuge in the Lord and trust Him completely. Our joy doesn't depend on how much pain we avoid or how much pleasure we can enjoy but in knowing that The Lord transforms us and shapes us through every single event He allows us to experience in His grace!

Gratitude

I love the idea of making certain 'raw materials' from the nature into some useful shapes and goods. Cooking would be the first in my list. Even though I don't really know many receipts of foods, but I really enjoy of making the separated ingredients into one delicious menu. When I was a child I also loved the art of clay, especially when the heavy tropical rain made lots of mud in my house, I was so glad to making 'sculptures' of chicken, candles and etc.

When I think of this, I realize that many times what provided along our way are like various ingredients of delicious menu. What I receive now are something still under constructions. I have to admit that it's not rare for me to assume that my friends when they interact me are already ready. When I got the mentor for example, I assumed that my mentor must be like this and that, first it sounds like an expectation, but later it became a kind of preoccupations of 'what?? he should ...." or "she should..." and "they should...". But if it's ignored, the disappointments and dissatisfaction can be great challenge in the latter days for love to grow.

This reminds me to the some lines of a beautiful morning prayer I really love, "Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul, and with firm conviction that your [Lord's] will governs all".
How beautiful it is to have a gentle and opened heart, to welcome and to respect everybody. When we give up our own measurements i.e. preoccupations, judgments... toward others, we will be able to welcome them in love. We trust that love from the Lord which is in us can transform both ourselves and also those who are with us. Yes and it can be a long and slow process, but love is victorious. May the Lord grant us wisdom to receive joyfully what He provides in our way; a courage to act in love and sobriety and to keep our hearts toward Him, the source of our True Joy!

Lord, thank You for everything You sent me today and always! Let me not grumble but joyfully accept it and let me be your vessel to transform whatever comes in Your Faithfulness. For Your will is always the best and all things declare Your Glory, both now and ever and unto the ages of ages! Ameyn!

Back to simplicity

To live life as it is. That has been a motto which colored my life so far. Whenever I started to dreaming so lofty and high, I quickly remind myself that it is enough and everything that God has given me has been so abundant. Some of the signs that I am being neglectful are that I start being touchy, grumbling and complaining about many things. The problem is often not in those external things beyond my control, but here inside, in the state of the heart.

This is what I constantly ask the Lord, to grant me His mercy so that I realize to see my lowly state and to slowly mold my hardened heart, a heart which is blinded by fear, gluttony and ignorance.

Vanity can be a great stumbling block in the spiritual maturity. But one thing which I remember from what the Holy Fathers said, 'always take the lowest place...' and 'joyfully receive everything the Lord sent'. Lord, have mercy!
This has been my pitfall, a desire to be seen as good and important, even though in reality I am not what is more by my own strength. It's always tempting to be the brightest star of all, the highest one, to be the best. But I am what God said I am and that's all, may it be my gladness.

To live life as it is, not to see and compare it with others... But to live it as He Who gives the Life wants me to live. Lord, have mercy! Keep my heart O Lord and help me, when I think I am worthy enough to receive Your mercy; when I think I have rights to choose and to have, when I think that this universe is for me... Remind me that all is Yours and for Your glory!

What dream, a high dream
meaningless, meaningless
wants and desires
thirst and hunger
the higher the dream, the more lacking
all I want is to be with You, my Lord
but how unworthy your servant is
so place me wherever Your love desires
and for me to be happy in the lowest place
Ameyn!

Being Watchful

My Mathematics teacher once told me to keep doing the exercises after I got his explanations both in the classroom and at home. By getting familiar with the variations of the questions and problems, a student than might be able to master the topic well. With diligence and eagerness in practicing, the student will have a clear picture when they are given the exam questions to do. One of the factors which I observe involved in this process is the anticipation of the student. The student is able to anticipate various pitfalls and variations in the problems, even when it's in high level.

When I reflect on this, I can see that it's absolutely important to be mindful and attentive toward the Lord in this life. Only in Him and His commandments is the true light found to face many pitfalls in our days. Just like a student who learns and patiently gives attention to what he's doing and discerns the knowledge, he thus will be able to anticipate the pitfalls and various forms of obstacles in the problems. Being watchful is an important part of this attentiveness.

"Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong..." 1 Cor. 16:15.

It's very important for us to have our days being filled with the truth from the Holy Scriptures, not partly, let it be in the Lord's mercy, wholly both in mind and mouth and heart. For it is out of his heart man brings forth the treasures of actions, so let our heart being vessel of Lord's grace, a living scroll.

I personally find that morning is such a beautiful moment to be silent and receiving blessings from the Holy Scriptures. Yet, honestly when I had hurried morning, it would be hard to have that beautiful moment, yet the alternative is to read an excellent blog consisting the Scripture reading from Abbot Tryphon, "The Morning Offering", which you may also click on this blog's side bar.

At some cases, the rest of the day could be great as well. Just like my beloved Dad used to say, "just catch the moment and be attentive." It would be very great for us to taste how sweet and refreshing the words of God are for our souls. I really pray that we can have such blessing from the Lord to listen and live the Holy commandments because He is our God!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

For the Love's sake

I really need to learn more and more to endure and be patient. Thank the Lord for the opportunity to see my own failures and mistakes to learn. Deep in my heart I ask the Lord to grant me peace and patience to endure all things which He allows to happen. But practically, I am still learning very poorly. Lord, have mercy!

In life, the circumstances may change and at times it changes very rapidly. The clouds and the stars appear and disappear from our sight. I really pray to God to grant me patience and humility to face everyday and may His name be glorified forever! I want to sing His praises and be with Him both in the brightest morning when the birds chant and in the darkest stormy night when the thunders hitting the trees.

Lord, let it be.... For You yourself had endured so many things and suffered for us in Love. Grant me also O Lord to leave my comfort and childish likes and dislikes, to be moderate in walking in this dessert, to look and greet all those whom You sent in peace! Your mercy and faithfulness, your staff and rod, they comforted me!

Yahweh is my shepherd.
I lack nothing.

In meadows of green grass he lets me lie.
To the waters of repose he leads me;
there he revives my soul.

He guides me by paths of virtue
for the sake of his name.

Though I pass through a gloomy valley,
I fear no harm;
beside me your rod and your staff
are there, to hearten me.

You prepare a table before me
under the eyes of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil,
my cup brims over.

Ah, how goodness and kindness pursue me,
every day of my life;
my home, the house of Yahweh,
as long as I live!

Psalm 23 -Jerusalem Bible

He is faithful...

I am very grateful today since once again I am refreshed and reminded that The Lord knows very well how to comfort His servants. Yes, even though I am an unworthy servant of His but His Love and Faithfulness are beyond what I can describe.
I had a rough time recently, being busy, tired and then got a severe anxiety. It's like I want to take control immediately of the things I am dealing with so that I could simply enjoy the moment. Yet the more I tried to do so, the further joy and peace flew from my heart. When I think I must change the external circumstances to be happy, when I want to be satisfied immediately with attentions and the service of others it means I have been side-tracked by my self-centeredness. Lord, have mercy! How easy it is for me to be trapped in the midst of the mirage of worldly cares! One thing is needful that is to listen to the Lord very faithfully and keep our minds and hearts in remembrance of Him.

Whenever the works and all the emotional traits demand from us more than it should be, it's time to pull ourselves out and attend to the most needful thing for us: the remembrance of the Lord. I'd been really tempted to deal with many cares which actually not only non-beneficial but also harmful to my soul. The Lord is always faithful and patient.

He knows exactly how timid and distractive I am, yet in His mercy He reach out His hands for me to grab. He is a Father who is very easy to be pleased but really hard to be satisfied, since He wants everyone of us be perfect like He is. It's always great to remember to lay our cares and even the very we are unto Him and He will give us His yoke which is light and brings unspeakable peace. He is gentle and humble in heart, let's learn from Him, even trust Him in everything! His Love is pure and sincere.

Lord, May Your will be done in every moments in my life. Through all things which You send, give my heart peace and gladness to welcome them and rejoice in You. Because I live in You and I am yours, save me! For everyone who loves, rejoices, and open their hands in love, bless them. For those who dislikes, mistrust and misunderstand.. Grant them mercy! For you are the Lord of all, the Merciful Master, the Lover of Mankind both now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.

In His Faithful Hands

God's mercy is abundant indeed. In his faithfulness He strengthens and refreshes us. He touches our lives to lift our minds from the mud of worries and keeping us from drowning into the sea of despair. I have to admit that it's very easy for me to look unto myself more than I should. And when I reflect on this, I know that I constantly needs His strength and mercy to heal me through whatever means He wants.

It's pleasant when our friends and those who near us think positively about us. And many times that's what I want: to be perceived as good, accountable and right. What I really need to grasp is that that's not necessarily the case in reality, it can be -at anytime- be quite the opposite. Then I remembered what my lovely friend in Christ saying this, echoing the Holy Scripture: Love is freely given. Love doesn't choke and doesn't control others... How I need to let my beloved brothers and sisters be free to interpret who I am; to honestly say what they think of me regardless its 'objective' validity. Sometimes it's not an easy thing for me to simply accept what they might think about me and there's an urge to defend "hey, would you clarify that I am like this, this, blah, blah"! Lord, have mercy!

The Lord is faithful! He is my strength and in Him my soul finds rest and peace. It is His hands which work wisely and timely in every single day of our lives to work what is good, noble and holy in us. Yes, even when something seemed for us to be bent, broken or not as what we want. He patiently works in us and sanctify us into His likeness when He allows these things to reach us. When somebody said harsh thing about us, let it be to keep us from vicious vanity. When somebody thinks badly about us, let's bring him into Lord's mercy and pray for them. When somebody unfortunately forced us to do something and tied us to please him, as long as it's not against God, let's do it joyfully to make our body and soul be humble and pleasing unto God. When being cursed, let's fill our heart and mind with blessings. The Lord knows everything and He is merciful... lest these things which come to us to sanctify us be a stumbling block for us to rejoice in the Lord... And being in this circumstance, we'll see clearer, Who is our Master.

We are what God said we are... and that's what I trust, and always remember that we are Christ's. When we see Christ constantly and make Him our only Joy, we will have great shalom to participate in the Life and Love of Most Holy Trinity and all the saints, in His mercy we'll have the courage to embrace and love our neighbors, overlooking others' weaknesses and hatred... Our life is hidden with Christ in God. So, let's welcome everything which come to us in peace and joy, trusting that the Lord is faithful and His Spirit will guide us in wisdom and make us more Christ-like. Glory to Thee O God! Glory to Thee!

Trust and obey

This evening, after the rain stopped, I reflected a little bit in my silence feeling the fresh air and silence which is always good for the mind and heart. Still quite often, I find a rather funny thing in me: to know that something true and worthy sometimes is just the beginning to the next path of willingness to live it out and even to willing to die for this truth. Last night as I read the book of Esther, I found for the first time this line speaks very poignantly, "Go and assemble all the Jews now in Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink day or night for three days. For my part, I and maids will keep the same fast, after which I shall go to the king in spite of the law; and if I perish, I perish!" This was said by Esther in obedience to her uncle's instruction to face the plan of the extermination of Israelites by Haman; and therefore also an act of obedience to God.

In the journey of faith and of our discipleship in Christ our Lord, we will face many circumstances which really need and shape our obedience. And it has been always true when we read the Holy Scripture, both in Old Testament and in The Church, both as it is written in the New Testament or in the opened letters, the faithful Christians. Our holy father Abraham who followed both faithfully and obediently Lord's calling and commands to go from his father land. Holy prophet Moses also had many cases where obedience is the issue. The suffering righteous Joseph, Holy prophets Jeremiah, Hosea, Jonah, and those beloved Prophets of the Lord were the warrior in obedience to God's Holy commands to go and to call the God's people to repentance. It is noteworthy to reflect how obedience is a perfect synergy of faith, humility, courage and love. We may see it in the persons of St. John the Forerunner, Holy Apostles Paul, St. Peter, all the Apostles, Saints and Martyrs of Christ! Obedience helps us to understand the spiritual truth not only in our minds but more than that, also in our hearts and souls. And by that we live out our lives in love with all our strengths. Obedience is (I love this saying from my beloved brother and friend in Christ) when we listen attentively to Him, and we fix our eyes on Him, seeing what He is doing in us and in Holy Scriptures and we follow His steps, always say yes to Him whatever the cost.

It reminds me to what Fr. Alex told me (as far as I remember) during my stay with him last December, "Nanda (son), now as you live in the Holy Church, Be it a joy for you to know and learn the faith. Not only by reading or gathering information, more than that, to live it out faithfully. Yes, even though when you know very little, observe it in gladness and patience to please our Lord..." And for a beginner like myself, prayer rule and fasting are very good teachers of obedience! Especially fasting, it is like muscle training for our hearts to be softened, sharpened and humbled.

And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it (Mat 7:27).

In the real life in general there is not 'shortcut' for us who want to be obedient. In saying "Thy Will be done", we welcome the Lord's Love and make a home for Him in our hearts. It leads us to crucifying our old flesh and letting Him to peel off the mask, the dust which corrupt our genuineness and it is Him who make us perfect; to be changed like Him. And sure, we will find ourselves in a battle of temptations. Just follow and abide in Him, because He is a good shepherd. His rod and his staff are there to hearten us! The Evil one will try his best to drag us from this healing Love, by intimidating us and creating various discontentment for us to look at, and therefore by such things our gaze will be altered away from our Most Holy God just like what happened to our ancestor Adam. But the truth is, he is a liar! He tried to make us agree with him, and then we start feeling the fear, worry, mistrust, hunger and even bitterness toward Holy commandments. It is for us to trust Him and His love, to listen and to follow Him, to confess to Him-- shortly to abide in Him! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

The Framework

These days and what happened in them has made me think and contemplate on a really serious matter in life. That is how we live (both consciously and unconsciously) our lives in term of relation with others. Yes, I am familiar with the sacred commandment to love others as myself. But how miserable it is when I look back and reflect on what have I done and have I been doing. Lord, have mercy! I don’t have love from my own, but am too busy with my own fears, cares and dreams.

I remember someone said that the state of one’s heart is evident in the way he thinks, speaks and acts. The Lord Himself said, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man”. (St. Mat 15:18). Since starting from there-the heart- is where we work out our energies and operate our stewardship. And for me, what I can see is my own fearfulness. I have such a fearful heart. Many times I find that I am very preoccupied with threats. I assume that the world around me is threatening, and my heart couldn’t be still. This is especially true in the case when I meet the new situations and people. Inaudibly, I can be so touchy and self-centered. In many situations, it’s just need to switch one “Click!” and instinctively the ‘defense mechanism’ turns on. When and where then the love and care for others so long as I am so deceived and occupied? Lord, have mercy!

In His faithfulness and mercy, the Lord reminds me through His beloved friend, that it is for us to look at others and forget ourselves (to care and love others). We trust in Him who is the Lover of Mankind. Exactly in this part is my vulnerable part. I used to do anything to protect my comfort zone or territory. It is not that easy to meld my hardened and mistrusting heart to simply trust my friends and yes even my enemies to do whatever to me as the Lord allows. At least as long as I use my old frame of “let me try to be so-so” with my own will power, then I am deceiving myself. Let’s say I were to be judged as Christ was, I would flattered many words to protect myself from any harm. This word is really speaking to me:

“... but letting others treat us badly, say bad things about us, make us do what is unpleasant or unfair, and to not try to defend oneself (that is humility)”

Lord, Only Thee, Only Thee hath the power and Love to transform and soften my heart. It’s only by Your Grace, my part is to say Yes to Thy Holy Will and follow Thee in obedience. Lord, nail me; nail me with Your Love to be as Thou wilt me to be. In every sighs and tears O Lord may Thy mercy sufficient to comfort me and let me throw myself under Thy Holy Feet! But help me O Lord in all things to take heeds to Your Holy commandments and to live it and to do it as weak as I am in Thy mercy. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me! May Thy Words becomes the Light unto my feet. My it be my framework in Life. To see Thee, O Lord, to follow Thee is the greatest joy of all. Change my heart O God! Let this cruel sinner be your faithful servant, by Thy mercy! Ameyn!

not too much, nor too little

Looking at the cloudy day, and feeling the rising of the temperature today makes me expect the the delayed rain. It can be very exhausting actually especially in the mid-day. I stared out the window and I realize that many of my friends are going somewhere, to their hometowns. Yet it's still the first week of the semester break so praise God that I am still enthusiastic for what will come next!
Recently many things the Lord has allowed to happen and that makes me very glad. Yet, it is always in my mind to love the ordinariness of anything. I am not really sure if I am using a correct word for this. It reminds me of what my best friend said, "Be moderate, brother and don't loose your temper". A very wise instruction it is.
It's always gladsome to experience such exciting moments, those events which triggers our strong emotional responses. And as a youth, I find myself in kind of attraction to anything 'different', sensational or unusual. It might be called a uniqueness, but can also move beyond that, something really extraordinary. And I believe that everybody has this kind of uniqueness, they're awesome. Just like medicine, this might be good to refresh our minds to try or experience something new, but once it gets too much or if it happens to be too little, that can be harmful. These extremes can bring us into state of severe boredom because of its too high predictability or impulsive addiction, craving for the emotional sensations. In short, this makes me convinced that moderation is precious!

The Lord is very awesome because He gives us what we need very wisely and timely. Everything has its own time. A Time to weep, a time to smile. A time to walk among crowds and a time to be alone. A time to listen, a time to speak a few words. A time to labor, a time to rest. "Because it is the will of God Himself that all His faithful servants rejoice in good and grieve at sin." All is sufficient and 'moderate'!

Lord, Your Love always makes me amazed! Glory to Thee O Lord, for all things! Ameyn!

Remember the Name of the Lord

This is the most thing that I remember from my mother, especially when she was very ill of her sickness. There is not other time in my past days that was more frightening and breaking my heart than to see my suffering mom laid on the bed and I was like couldn't do anything. Just saw her all the night from the edge of my bed which could be really tiresome, agonizing. I was really wish the morning quickly come and I could make a soup for her so that she could have the power to face another day, I thought in my simple mind.

My mom was very quiet to endure her sickness, even when she often being unconscious. I was just too young to understand what happened to her and I just prayed for her for strength and comfort, making soup and took care for her in my weaknesses. But this was the sweetest moment I experienced with her those time; she asked me to sing her favorite song "Ingat akan Nama Yesus" (Take the Name of Jesus with you) to comfort her. I would sing and she would become peaceful, then took her rest. O, my suffering mom, how Lord really loves you!

Take the Name of Jesus with you,
Child of sorrow and of woe,
It will joy and comfort give you;
Take it then, wherever you go

Refrain:
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.

Mom, too many days I found you silently bearing your pain, hunger and thirst in love, joy and hope! Thank you for taking care of me too for so long time and teaching me very faithfully. Yes, Mom I will take the most precious Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, wherever I go. It's not me, yet who is able to do so... Only in the Lord's mercy, only by His grace and mercy toward His unworthy servant such as me then strength I find, just as He faithfully kept you until your tent on earth was uprooted. I wished you're here with me now seeing and rejoicing for what Our Great Lord is doing! He is good and His love endures forever! Ameyn!

Happy birthday, Mom! Memory eternal!

Rememberance of death

The time of my death is a mystery, but I know for sure that I will die one day. May be today, tomorrow, or whenever it is God himself who knows. And for everything which is beyond me and beyond my understanding, I give them up all to the Lord, the owner of my life.

I keep thanking the Lord that he has given me these 21 years, since my first day on this world. In his faithfulness, it is Him who has vouchsafed me to go through a long, long way in the thorny and drought lands. Yet, in Him all those opportunities and providence He provides for His glory to be revealed. And the more I think, the more I feel that this has been too long for me to live. Yes, for me 21 years are so very long! It is in the day where the yoke which the Gracious Lord has trained me with, instead of chains, and glory to Him for all things. I have lived my life so unworthily since I was born with too many weaknesses but also strengths but my negligence in far more still.

But what can hinder His power to manifest through His humble servant? Lord, I am so unworthy but for the sake of Your mercy, keep me for I am Yours. Forgive me, Lord for the mule is smarter than me, because he may bear all things in silence, meekness and patience while me in carelessness. How I have been less than the birds in praising You in Your greatness. How ants have been much more diligent than Thy lowly servant. Only O Lord, help me! You have given me life and today You spare my life in Your Love. While waiting the day of Your coming, also while waiting for the end of my life in this earth, let all glory belongs to You! Remember O Lord, in Thy Mercy all those who have loved me so much, grant them consolation and Thy blessings when at any time I have to fall asleep, not only them, but also those who hate me and wants my end, Lord bless them!

Lord, have mercy!

moderate

It is not easy for me sometimes to explain and understand what happened with my days, and there is an easy temptation to be self-protecting. This seems to be my dominant struggle, to forget myself and to move beyond my comfort zone. This reminds me to not give thanks only for the easy and comfortable times in the days that the Lord give me, but also for very though and really difficult ones. Because it is the Lord who owns my life and everything; I am His. Lord, have mercy!

In the world which exalt the luxury and comfortability, when the success is measured by self-improvement and earthly wealth, it is for us to remember that we may live in the world but not of the world. Therefore, even in my weakness I really love the guidance and acts of ascetic life. It reminds us not to be attached to or love this world and the fake pleasures, but to be moderate and have the remembrance of our Lord, to humble our body so that our heart will learn to be humble too.

However, too many times I forgot that I am ignorant and don't know anything of myself. There are many things which happen and need no explanations, and I learn to love them. It is not to say that I shouldn't care, but to care without being tempted to satisfy all curiousness. It is better to keep silent and pray to God to help us to be obedient and have peace of mind. Glory to You, O God! Teach me Your statutes for You are my God and help me to love my neighbors as myself. Amen!

to be careful

One word which I heard and struck my heart so deeply, that is to be careful. I have to admit that too often in my days, choices and decisions which I make, I make them either quickly, naive, even sometimes uncritical and can be really dangerous for me and others... in many aspects! I really need to learn and put off the immature way of thinking and put on a proper and responsible attitude of the things around me according God's commandment. This reminds me of Psalm 119:16 "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word". and what Holy Apostle Paul wrote to St. Timothy "All Scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,"

Then I think about time. It is easy for me not to be careful with how I allocate my time for the beneficial things. Prayers, assignments, work hours are very essential for me here. Yet, I sometimes still find myself online, talking with friends unnecessarily and even being idle. Lord, have mercy! Put in my heart and mind the desire and strength to my body to be wise, diligent and bear the labor, sweat and even inconvenience to do the works You entrust me.

The other things is to be careful with my own thoughts and bias. It is an alarm to me when I learned the works of some philosophers, especially Nietzsche. That reminds me when I find something very scandalizing and disappointing about whatever it might be, I should not rely or scrutinize others' faults, rather on my own weaknesses. And not to magnify the 'sin' or weaknesses of others because that will sink us into a deeper sadness and despair, but to look and focus on Christ the Lord. Trust in Him will never fail us, because even when our own beloved ones deserted us, He will always trustworthy and faithful.

To be careful in every step, to be mindful of Your bidding and to be faithful and trustworthy, O Lord may You strengthen us!

Tottered steps

Someday ago, I smiled when my friend told me --while he was inviting me to take a walk to get some food, "I think this is one of the ways we can avoid boredom." "Yeah," I said, "That's a good idea... Let's see!"

From my childhood, I really prefer routines :D, rather than the adventurous road or novelty. However, sometimes when I think of that, I find that for someone else that can be really monotone or yes, boring :D. Yet, somehow, this is what my tendency is: to stay and do the things which has been set. Sometimes to try something new, I will have to deal with anxiety, nervousness and shame on me... I would prefer to avoid it as if it's a threat! Yeah, that's me. Lord, have mercy!

At times, I bowed down to the Lord to grant me courage and strength, as I struggle with this way of thinking and feeling. But, I really thank the Lord for He is so faithful and merciful. He is strong and mighty, and yes, I am lame and weak but knowing that He is my Lord, my heart trust in Him. He grants me such times, which for me it is not very comfortable and easy, but through those rich times, He has taught my hands for battle. In my weaknesses, sometimes I become impatient and self-pitying. I thought that as fast as it is possible, I wanted to be such and such... to appear confident, strong, admirable... in my own way. But what is that if not vanity and self-desire?

Lord, have mercy! Let me be weak, if it is according to Your will, and reveal Your Glory! You have given everything I need so sufficiently, even when I was so reluctant to ask for it. You are my strength, my shield and my light. In You I trust; You are my Joy. Only, Lord lest my passion swallow Your unworthy servant, lest my anxiety rob the joy and sweetness that you graciously pour out. Lest the laziness, fear and reluctance withdraw me from sincere love. Lest my tottered steps be a stumbling block for the brethren to come and adore You. Hide me O Lord, hide me under Your wing! Let your light alone, Your light alone shines so brightly in us!

It is good to remember this saying of my brother in Christ, "Seek Christ always first, and do what you see Him doing in your spirit, and accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life." A very strong reminder it is. Yes, Christ is everything! He is joy, He is life, He is light... He is the source of life.

With your blessing, O Lord, in each step and hold me fast when the storm comes
Your mercy, O Lord I beg
Let me not live for my carnal desires, my own satisfaction and pleasure
but for You, O Loving Master
shall I live,
As unworthy as I am
but grant me courage to praise You
and have Your name in my heart, in my mouth, in my mind and in my hands,
to love and care Your beloved ones, my neighbors
and fulfill Your commandments with the strength which You give!
Through the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother and of St. Theophilus of Zakyntos and of All the Saints, have mercy on us and save us. Amen

Beyond me

Today, as I walked to the Food Junction, I didn't know where is it from, I felt a sweetness come into my heart. The Lord allows me to enter into silence and remember how He has loved me so, beyond what I can think and say in words. "Back to silence, innocence and simplicity... Because by then, we can stand before God in sincerity and awe." It is very good for us to be reminded of How great God is and yet is also merciful. He knows even the deepest part of ours and yet decide to constantly love us with immeasurable love! How trembling!

In this occasion, once again the Lord fill my heart with the remembrance of goodness that He has bestowed upon this His unworthy servant. Especially that in His mercy He allows me to be among His beloved ones, in His Holy Church. And in His miraculous hands He has allowed me to be here and be surrounded with the ones who love Him and loved by Him. Yes, it is true, both near and far... Including those who God has revealed to me through this blog. 'Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!' my heart acclaims when I remember His faithfulness and mercy. I always give thanks to the Lord for you, brothers and sisters in Christ in my prayers!

Your love O Lord, is so great and beyond me
beyond of what I can understand
yet, O Lord may You receive honor and praises
from this unworthy lips of mine
and that I may live in Your Love unto the ages of ages
and teach me Your love

in Your strength I trust
and I put my heart to none but You
write your statutes in my heart
for they are sweeter than honey
let the people sing and rejoice for Your majesty

Nail our flesh to the fear of You, and do not incline our hearts to words of thoughts of guile, But wound our souls with Your love, that ever looking to You, and guided by You in the light, and beholding You, the Light ineffable and ever lasting, we may offer ceaseless praise and thanksgiving to You:
To the Father who has no beginning, together with Your only-begotten Son and Your all-holy, good and life-giving Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen. (Prayer of Saint Basil the Great)

Lord, have mercy...

It is good at least to realize that our joy doesn't depend on what world say and think of us. Joy is there only because the Lord has been so faithful and true, sustaining our existence from one day to another. It is still near the Holy Pascha and also still in the shadow of the Brilliant Joy for the created beings, because Christ is risen! And glory to God for His goodness letting us see and hear our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world also celebrating this Great Day, proclaiming His greatness. Alleluia!

Now, it is yet a time for me to enter into the weeks that are uneasy. From this week on, I would be dealing with some works which are sometimes exhausting. Papers, Work requirements, projects, exams, presentations... they makes me feel somewhat anxious, really anxious. I am not a knowledgeable man, and my weaknesses is here within me. How easy it is for me to be distracted, nervous and lethargic. Lord, have mercy. What for is it for me to worry if Your help is at hand? It is something beautiful that You have entrusted me to do here, but how could I become so discouraged and overwhelmed? Lord, remember my weaknesses and grant Thy unworthy servant wisdom and strength.

It is not easy when my insecure feelings and even the fear of failure draw near. It's tough. Yet, I don't depend on my own wisdom (in fact, who said that I am wise? :D), but on His! And how comforting it is when I am reminded that I don't have to do it by myself, with my own power. No. If so, I would have fallen away in the very first step, I don't have strength. But by Him and His merciful kindness I am being here now still alive and taste His sweetness. Your mercy O Lord, Your mercy I beg with sigh and tears!

Lord, how weak my heart is! Help me Lord, to submit myself in obedience to welcome everything that are sent by You. Because You want to heal me, because You love me so... even though they are hard or even bitter, yet You are my rest, my peace and my sweetness and in You I trust. Never let your servant away from Your presence because of my foolishness. I want to receive them, Lord grant me courage. Even when I fail and fall and ashamed, never leave me. Yet, O Lord who am I that I dare to ask your help... Put me O Lord wherever You want, in Your love... yes, even in the darkness and sorrow, may I be there if Your love desires... but still, in Your love I will cling and hold unto, Lord! For the sake of Thy Most Pure Mother and of all the saints, O Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and save us! Amen!

keep me awake...

in the dawn...
keep me awake, O Lord
keep me awake
I want to see You
and sing to You a hymn of praise and honor

Lord, our Good Shepherd,
may You find me
because I am lost and weak
but I really long for You and Your Love
Cleanse me O Lord and grant me your mercy
to come near, closer to You

My sin is ever before me
and I am ashamed
Lord, heal me and restore me
so that I might gaze upon Your Beauty in awe
and Your faithfulness and deliverance
shall be in my heart and mouth

Lord, how great and trembling it is
to follow behind You
in the steps of Your Holy Feet
Joy! Joy! Joy!
even the way is narrow
and the thorn bushes along the side
but gazing upon Your Humility and Love,
strengthens us and comforts us

in the day light...
May your blessing be upon us
teach us and guide us with Your commandments
to walk patiently in the rocky, stony roads

Lead me in the Beautiful path among the loving brothers and sisters, Your rational flock
those through whom You also manifest Your Love
may we be united in one voice, mind and spirit
to glorify You, our Master!
and to love our neighbors

In the night...
let us rest and take shelter in You
because You are our Only Joy!

Keep me awake,
keep me awake O Lord,
that I may sing to You
in fervent Joy that comes from You!

reflection on silence

It is weekend, and praise God that it is weekend :). In this time, to stay in silence and in rest and to stay with the Master of all, would be great. It is one of the beauty that we need during our days: silence, to stay still and wait for the Lord. "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Sometimes, in a busy world, many are caught in the trap of hurried-ness and many cares, and our minds becomes overwhelmed. Either caused by our works, or even by getting too much information from the net, they may be very harmful to us if we forget when to pull ourselves out and when to stop. In that particular occasion, it'll be very easy for us to be tempted into anger, impatience and inability to have self-control. In each day, how necessary it is for us to devote a time of silence and have the remembrance of Our Beloved God.

Personally, it is very beneficial for me to have that specific time and place to lay aside the exceeding cares, stay silent and pray. However, I realize that the more important is to have the silence of the heart. The external silence is very important and helpful, yet it is not the end in itself, it must be followed by the silence of the heart. As our holy father Abba Poemen used to tell us, ”A man may seem to be silent, but if his heart is condemning others, he is babbling ceaselessly. But there may be another who talks from morning till night and yet he is truly silent, that is, he says nothing that is not profitable.”

Thus, it is good in every time to pause ourself and to refrain from grumbling, judging and losing our temper. And in any occasion it is wonderful to whisper the Holy Name of the Lord, to trust in Him who guides us and even grants us the silence and pure mind... and not be frustrated with trying what we think is pleasing to Him and being upset. Rather, it is to acknowledge our (my) insufficiency even to have silence, and thus to let Him work within us, cleansing us and transforming us from inside out. What can we do outside of God's blessing? Even to say a single prayer, to live out our faith and especially to overcome temptation, the first and ultimate thing we need is... God's mercy! As St. Benedict of Nursia says, "We must therefore beg the Lord with many sighs, striking our hearts as well as our breasts, never to leave us His servants without His help…by the protection of His assistance, to surround us with the wall of His grace and by His defense ward off the incursion … " (Orthodox Life Tips)

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!