in every moment

Breath and smile. I meditate on these two simplest things that I can do in every moment and everywhere. Sometimes people and even myself ask, why do I smile and I said, "I simply smile because I enjoy the moment." Yes, I have been diving the ocean of simplicity recently. Since it is when I am becoming too sophisticate and lofty; making myself somewhat busy with many cares, worries, etc. then I started being distracted and lost. Joy and peace being in every moment because it is the Lord God which own and lead me into His good will. It is the assurance of Hope in him which make us stand firmly and surrender wholly our lives to be hidden in Him.

Something that my Dad said to me always encourage me to bear everything (or in the language that I prefer: to be peacefully present at the moment) in peace and joy, accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life.

Flow with the moment in trust and keep doing what is right -no more and no less- ... because God will certainly sustain us and be with us in every moment in life, whether it's pleasant or not. At times, it comes to me that my own limited conceptual minds which make me becomes so choosy such as, "I want it that way, and not this way" or "I wished I can be in different time and place" or "If only I was born... , etc." There are temptation to project myself into the past or too far into the future to skip the 'undesirable' reality. But what we have and what we can work out is the present. Therefore it's very important to be present and live the moment, abide in God and follow Him here and now. As the consequences, we unload and put out the unnecessary loads from the past and even from the future, simply breath and smile... waiting, see and be ready whenever the Lord ask us and we say yes. When we fail and fall, we flee to Him because He is always here and readily to raise us up! Glory to God!

unloading

The wind is breezing very peacefully to my skin through the back door of my dorm. It's been very nice to have the white clouds spreading on the sky and the green leaves shaking as the wind passes through them. The nature is so simple, peaceful and honest. They simply receive what's given and give what they receive. Many times, I really need to learn from the movement and breath of the nature. Besides that, December is approaching soon so the mild wind and heavy rain could come interchangeably makes the heart becomes a little softer and sober toward the Christmas.

I am thinking of simplifying the things which have been quite scattered and reorganizing the messy things; kind of sorting out the materials which can be used immediately and the ones which can't (i.e. unnecessary ones) so that I can focus my mind on the things that's really important and needful (both physically and mentally). One thing that I notice is that I can't simply force myself into it too quickly. I need to do it very deliberately and according to the capacity otherwise it'll be quite unsuccessful. Keeping heart and mind in simplicity and as it is I hope will help to unload unnecessary cares and thoughts to focus on the Lord and his faithfulness.

when it's all about His love

There was the lighting candle procession in the Sunday Chapel today as the mark of first Advent weeks; weeks of penitence, expectation, excitement and preparation of the coming of Christ. It's very good for me to attend and listen to an encouraging sermon from Dr. Miller in the beginning of this season. One thing which sticks in my mind and speaks very beautifully to my soul is that everything in my life is about His unfailing love. No matter what happened in my life, even though it's not as pleasant as my sinful thought wishes, yet it's still the best ;).

The Love of God, so rich and pure... even though I am really undeserved to receive anything good, but I know that I simply can't live without His mercy and faithfulness. His love never fails and it is in Him I must wait and stay silent. It's the unloving heart of mine, the anti-critic attitude and coldness of my soul which make me really blind and lost. Lord, have mercy! May I live in it, even though it started with a little thought that everything tells of Your Goodness and mercy, but through my little words and actions that You allow, may I always depend on Your love as long as I live. Amen!

Looking up

Today we decorated our floor and room... Hm, no actually I just took very little part in it. I am not a diligent man and feeling not very good at physical works. It's been so nice to feel the nuance of Christmas and to hear and sing the Christmas songs the whole day. One of my favorite songs is "Veni, veni Emmanuel". That's very beautiful song for me during the season like this, with my friends in the dorm.

There are many things happen around me and most of them are mysterious. I really wish the simple things can make me happy and silent yet somehow I am being restless because of my own unwisdom. I am a kind of person which love to stick on something and wish that thing never change. I come to realize that it's unrealistic... so many things change and are not under my control :P. This is all in God's and He is good and He never changes. I need to constantly look up and asking for Him Who is beyond all understanding and wisdom.

The most uncomfortable moments that I need to deal with these days are the emotional storm! I feel very emotionally charged, the melancholic soul and mind helps me much to surf the up and down of the tantrum very quickly. Hmm, I am wondering and I am still hoping that I will pass through this path with the Lord in His abundant mercy so that I'll live detached with my unreliable feelings and survival instinct... It make me ashamed at times to realize that I spend most of my time and my life with myself. Well, it's just a thought and my thought is not very compatible with reality. So, I just count the days and when I see that it's not long, I know that He will work in me to do His will... Amen.

with others

One among many other crucial aspects in life I think is about how we get along with other people. We are commanded to love others, everybody just like we love ourselves. There are many occasions when I think very complex and sophisticate about how we deal with others' hearts and souls. The more complicated my thought, the harder it will be to have humble heart to welcome everybody in peace. I sense this kind of relation as I observed it from day to day living with my dorm-mates. Simplicity in heart, non-judgmental attitude toward others can be really helpful to reach others in love. Yet, sometimes that's what the hardest part I must face: my own presumptuousness and perceptions.

The most difficult part for me to tame is the urge to hurry and being reactive. It's the fact that I realized that to listen often need self-discipline and constrain. Especially when the unpleasant part of me is being revealed, such as being 'lazy man', 'unskilled man', etc, I will be automatically react. I know I am still young and not experienced, may the Lord smoothen my heart to see beyond what it appears, so that the love is still being grown in my heart for His glory.

Inner peace, overlooking the mispronounces and weaknesses of others is what the Lord leading me through. I want to thank Him for everyone whom He has allowed to train me and ask His forgiveness for my failures and reactive attitude. Lord, have mercy! It's very interesting though that when I feel inadequate and flee to the Lord, He helped me with unspeakable mercy. It has taught me that I can not rely on my own efforts and power to move, it's only by His mercy and faithfulness. May the Lord bless everybody according to His wisdom and love! Ameyn!

Clinging to the Lord

There is a special part of my mundane days that I think I will miss when I leave this campus. That's when I go down stair from the library to go for lunch. I don't know why, even though I have passed the same route from time to time but I can feel the difference, fresh sights which can make my mind recharged. The reason for that is because I love to meet my friends and other young people who are interacting to each other. It's just really good for me personally.

Sometimes though, I found myself in the difficult part of this young life, especially when I look into myself a bit much, being discouraged and overwhelmed. That's when the pain of loneliness and emptiness creeping unexpectedly. In those times, it's not difficult for me to escape and skip the reality. I want to jump as quick as I can to that undisturbed solitude and confinement, to kind of skip the pain and wipe the grief.

How many times should I be reminded of Beloved Christ and the Holy Cross? He Who is God-Man, suffered the most pains and unutterable miseries. Yet, how faithful and full of love He stayed still. He loved, cared and looked after his neighbors and even His enemies steadily, unconditionally and undisturbed. Yes, most astoundingly, even He spoke peace and forgiveness even when His pure Hands were pierced with nails on the cross. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You! Christian life will only made possible when we abide in Him and He is in us, since out of Him we can do nothing.

It's like in the harsh wilderness of fallen world, when the vipers of pain and despair bit us, we need to look upon Him and be alive. Let every single sigh and each drop of tears from this weary soul be the fountain of repentance and myrrh gushed out from our longing of True Joy! "Open your lips, O Israel that I may fill your mouth with my mercy!" How beautiful it is that He faithfully sustains His servants and desires the repentance of all. To Him we flee in every moments in life: in joy and sorrow, in health and sickness, in smile and cry.... He is Joy beyond Joy! When we trust our lives to the loving secret Hands of the Lord, then our eyes will be opened and granted vision like His: full of compassion.

My Dad who loves me so much, likes to say, "Always welcome everybody which the Lord send you with kindness and respect, Son!" It's simple and true. And it's only possible when we have that compassionate heart from the Lord! For all things that the Lord send me on my way and for His faithfulness which is beyond my thoughts and heartbeat, Glory to God! Ameyn!

Thank the Lord for the birthday!

War at the exit door

Among the wolves and lions
snakes kiss my legs
I stepped outside through the gate of red
above the stream of fresh water
thus I jumped into water and the fish lift me up
fish with big scales

Fall on me O bridge
tear me down till I am no more
Fish, do you have that cure
I want to drink it
and sleep long

Water in
water in
fill me till I am one with you
breath you in
breath you out

war at exit door
now I have been at the gate
with your sword, stub me O brightest hero
and throw me to the river

A world without corner

The blue sky now turns into black
soft cold wind blows so ardently
I took the crumbs of my noonday breads
sat on the stone under the shadow of young tree

A night bird, faithful fellow
staring at the crumbs wanting to take some
I stretched my hands for her to reach
She nodded and landed her little feet on my palm

What do you long for, little fellow?
Moon
Moon, O man!
Do you see her?
No. I have been waiting here too
where does she go?

The tree shook up her leaves and whisper
She hides behind the thick clouds
She throws her feet and hands
fainted among the mountains and hills
She dives and sinks into oceans

Why is she making those journeys?
she should be at rest

O, little fellows
don't you know yet?
this world is spinning
it's without corner

Where then should I hide myself from the valiant storm?
I started singing
O man, if only you could fly with me or rest on my nest
there you can sing and soar

Dearest fellow, faithful fellow
since the world's without corner
I'll be still here
invisible, stay in absence
among the lilies and fragrant blossoms
until the wind blows me and I am gone

O, shade tree may I rest on your branches?
Go up here, little fellow
Then I took my staff
knock on the rock
and left

I dare not

I dare not to say, when that be

mountains go to the sea

all grown to be brown

I dare not to see

when the clouds become so red

and all cried for stars

I dare not to gaze

to the blazing light of the sun

burns everything in a glimpse

torturing the land with drought and famine

I dare not to laugh

to the roaring sea, waves on the shore

I just want to smile and smile

Bring me down

bring me down

only the best

One among my hobbies related to the internet world is to learn languages online. I have been learning Russian for several months, and when you ask me how much I have learned, well, I can say not very much :D. I prefer to know people (i.e. my online teachers), talk to them and getting to know their lives as long as they allow me to know rather than just to know the languages. Thus my progress is not very vast but I really enjoy the process of communicating and interacting with people from far away countries. Is it a waste of time? Hm, the answer can be yes and no. I believe that it can never be a waste when there is friendship, love and genuine share of lives. And it can never be a waste when it's done timely, knows when and where to say enough; being moderate. Yet, I realize that in certain sense it can't replace the personal, face to face interactions and communication.. Obviously, it can be time killing when it's done without consideration and too much. One keyword: self-control.

I am glad to learn many good things from my friends, especially those friends who stay calm, undisturbed and knows how to say enough. There are many things in this world being offered to us to satisfy, entertain and escape us from the true reality. Thus, even for my self, those offers can form certain imaginations, wants and desire for gratifications which can be a trap and make us captive.

One thing that I learn: Be careful of my wants... Why? Because I am being deceived, by my own weaknesses, fallen-ness and partiality. My judgement and wisdom is so limited. And once again I am convinced that it is the words of God which shows us the way, so pure and genuine. It shows us the true reality of our world --and how to deal with it, even further with ourselves, with others and most important with Him. It is in His great mercy that He taught us to pray, "Thy will be done..." since He is the Ever-Good God who desires life and what is good for us in His love. Yet, even His Goodness is mystery for us, we need humility and wisdom from above to recognize and understand it.

Nothing more precious and genuine than our desire to be with- and for God! The more we grow in love toward Him, the more we are being detached with worldly and fleshly desires.

In and for Your Love, O Lord we shall rest
since from there our hearts You created
Now our eyes are blur
the wind is strong
we admire the beauty of mirage

In and for Your Love, O Lord we shall rest
for You love us, you call our souls precious
But, let us be reminded..
Lest we sell our lives for money, the cheapest of all
Lest we abandon our lives to the hollow praises
Lest we soak ourselves in blood, filthy and gimmick

But resting in You,
listening to Your saving and gentle Voice
we march in lowliness
shattering our lives, our hearts to be given to all
until we find rest in You and for You!

Keep moving

Thinking and pondering sometimes can help me and may be some of us to refine our thoughts and decisions. However, at other time it can be a labyrinth for me especially when I am thinking harder than I should or being captivated with worries and anxieties which is in fact unreal and deceptive. I remember once my gentle teacher said to me, "Abandon yourself to Christ.." and now I find that he's saying such a great truth to me.

I have to admit that in many occassions, I will start using my limited logic to deal with the circumstances, trying so hard to figure it out, and then having an uneasy emotional storm. One thing which I realize it that I need to cast out my fear and anxiety to Him who knows perfectly. I need to admit it before the Lord and trust Him in everything. It is for me to ask His mercy and joy to accept all things wheter it's 'pleasant' or 'not pleasant' with the same joy and acceptance and gratitude. It will be a long process to go through, but with the Lord, how can I doubt?

What I need to do is to keep moving... one step at one time... While begging for the Lord's mercy and strength, it is for me to 'come and see' the goodness of the Lord in everything I need to do for the moment; to keep love and do what is true as He commands. There is no joy can compare to the joy of His presence, when He comes closer to us and we come closer to Him. Glory to God!

He knows perfectly

After being hiatus for some moments to do my works, it's time to be here again to share my reflections and thoughts and yes, my life- with my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ and with everybody out there who also lives under His dominion. It's been a time which is good to be grateful for. Most of the works entrusted to me has been done well with the strength from the Lord and it's been really a training for me to grow, especially in the emotional field relating with my life with those whom the Lord send to be in my life.

Most of my responsibility comes from the scholarship program that's been offered for me to study in this university. It's very great program as long as I follow this, yet I can say that it's not very easy, full of load and sometimes can be exhausting: very crowded schedules, requirements, mandatory, etc. But realizing that nothing can come to my life without the Lord allows it, I am always reminded to praise and to glorify Him who has given so much grace in everything He entrust His servant to be and to do.

I've been back to my campus and now it's time to back to my university seat :D. Honestly, it's really a field for me to be grown and to be formed by the faithful hands of the Lord. Just like a little plant in the field, exposed to the heat of the sun, the droplets and streams of water, etc; so am I shaped and faced with some challenges and opportunities. It is always in my mind to pray, "Lord, may Your goodness alone be real in every single moment of Thy servant live... Might Thou also transform me, and grant those around Thy servant peace. Sustain them with Thy love and mercy, especially when I am fallen and being the stumbling block. Lord have mercy!"

How easy it is for me to be tempted with easier life, more comfortable place and time; seeking for pleasure and entertainment in my naive mind. That's why it's not rare for me to be attacked with uneasy feeling and being down severely. It's only because of God's goodness which is beyond measure and understanding that I am survived and raised up again. This is what I have been learning so far, that it's unwise to keep demanding for external change, i.e. to be in another place, time, with other people, being in any other circumstances but forget to pray, "Change my heart, O God... Grant Thy servant peace!"

The Lord is so faithful and merciful. He is in control of everything runs under His Love, however strong the wrong, the mishaps as we feel it is. He's doing what is good, beautiful and perfect among us and with us. In trusting the Lord and in asking the Lord, "Thy will be done", it's simply more than words--, it's about living and being in Christ Himself and in His amazing love day by day....