from a mosquito racket

Some days ago, early in the past week, one of my roommate, Daniel was sick and because there only were three of us in our room, me and Suryo and Daniel who was sick, so I managed myself to be able to stay in the dorm to take care of him.

Interestingly, in the afternoon, while I was sitting at Daniel's bed edge, I asked him:
"Daniel, do you need something or would you like me to get you something to make you feel better?"
With his remaining power he looked at me and replied, "Yudhie, don't worry. I'll be getting better soon since I feel much better now and I don't think I need something. But if you would like, I need a mosquito racket."
I am wondering, "Hmm, mosquito racket?"
"Yes, I am sure that what has caused my fever is the mosquitoes, and I think this would be better if you get the mosquito racket to kill the mosquitoes, so that they'll not endanger us."

I think, I learned something from Daniel. Sometimes, if somehow we feel hurt or wounded by anything (or anybody), there an easy temptation to put the attention merely to the self. Thus what will be often seen is only the wounds and the sweet melancholy and oneself effort to make that (sickness) become better for oneself welfare; instead of asking for the mercy from the True Healer and entrusted our life entirely to Him, while praying that the sickness and wounds which is afflicting us shall not embitter our soul nor by that harm others, but rather to save them. This reminds me to Joseph ben Jacob, Job the Righteous in his sickness and sorrows, and Our Lord Jesus Christ WHO has the perfect Love!
Thanks Daniel :)!

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

a violin without strings

Just before lunch time, while I was shelving the books in the library, something caught my eye. That was a tittle of a book in Bahasa Indonesia: "Biola tak berdawai", in English it is " a violin without strings." And this provoke my thought by its symbolic and poetic language. So as soon as I returned the book at its place, I recited this little phrase in my heart and tried find something that I can learn from this.

Once, when I was in Lombok island (an island in the east of Bali) attending a youth competition for several days, on the weekend I got the opportunity to see some teenagers (at my age that time) played their violins very elegantly. The music which came out from their instruments was just so beautiful and heart-warming. Deep inside in my heart, I really wanted to be able to play that instrument, since I had never even touched a violin before. Overwhelmed by amazement, I saw them playing and kept admiring them! O, a teen as I was that time! But the experience in the past taught me to repress anything that is "too big" for me, in this case a violin.

The time came when a year later, I had finished my study in Sumbawa Island and I went to Jogjakarta, in Central part of Java island. There I met my sister's college friend who can play a violin. Seeing my amazement toward his playing, he offered me to teach me violin. I gladly accepted his offer and for a little time he taught me the basic skills. However small the skill I had have, but you can see how joyful my eyes that time were, while wishing somehow and someday I would be able and may continue play a violin.

But again, behind me, the experience imposed me to forget this little sparkling wish. However, even until now I keep this little hope within me, I know that it is just childlike dream or in my dictionary, this is teenagerian want. But this is very funny for me when I am realizing that it (this little want) is with me, LOL.

So, that was the story about violin. In another side, if I come back to the book tittle which has caught my eyes: a violin without string, (I know that there are many possibility, but) what came out in my mind is that, it is under construction or being repaired. Surely in time, a precise and fit strings will be on it. But it is in need of patience just little more time, while waiting its Master placing the new strings on it. Yes, because this violin can never play by itself, what's more without the strings-- its life, which it must receive from its Master. Thereafter The Master plays it and it produces sweet sound. Its beauty always tell His Master's.

I know how poor I am in making an analogy, since I am just a babbling boy. And what do you think you can learn from a violin without a string?

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

Anti Boredom

These three weeks for me in my room will be unusual, because most of my friends had been going home to their hometown and also some of them going out for student teaching, field experience and my room will become so silent. One or two days ago, some friends of me express their feeling of boredom and I was and am listening to them. And later or soon (heheh and so far it has't) may be this will also grab me. But wait, to anticipate this, I make a little reflection about of this feeling.

Some people whom I knew had very emotional-oriented responses toward what happened around them. Simply to say, the mood has so great effect on what are spoken and done. I am myself, in my weakness and youth, sometimes tempted to be so. Some days can be nuanced as expressive and flowery and some days can be full of whimpers and lethargy.

I realize that this is one part of our nature in this fallen world and we share this same experience of facing the 'potentially boring' time. And yes, we are sometimes battling with this matter, either at our home, or at campus, or at wherever and whenever it might be. Knowing that we experience this and that not only us, but also the saints experienced it as well in their human nature, so I am a little bit relieved.

But I also realize that the matter is what to do or conduct ourselves in this situation of boredom? Forgive me, since I am still young and not speaking as an experienced nor wise man, but just share a little bit what in my mind in my simplicity.
Firstly, I am sure that my own feeble mind and power can not fight it by itself. I (we) need His mercy and power to act with discernment and wisdom which revealed to us in His Holy Church, through His servants, Holy Scripture and many forms of guidance (for instance, spiritual works of our Fathers). There is no other thing that is more beautiful then our humble prayers and submission to His All Holy Will. All things He allows to happen in our days for our salvation. :)

It is also very important to ask his mercy so that He grant us wisdom to overcome our moods, train it and subject it, and thus not act according to its deceitful and even harmful desires. But put it under His Holy Commandment. And the easiest thing to do is just to continue our labor, prayers and works. By this then we are living not according to our mood and become its slave, instead, bearing our podvig out of our joy to fulfill Our Master's Will, this is our little sacrifice. Sometimes, this is not suddenly pleasant thing, even we may be not comfortable one in the beginning, but with a little endurance in His mercy, then this cloud will pass and the bright day will shine again. The point is not to seek instant comfort nor to create a comfort zone or comfort spot where we can hide ourselves in it. (Our comfort and shelter is only in The House of The Lord !)

I also experience that it is a little bit challenging to even just smile to our beloved brothers and sisters, when we feel this boredom. But, again out of honesty and humility, it is very good to ask God's mercy to empower us to do good works, according to His Goodness and not for our sake and then say Yes whenever He ask. He does never leave us alone in every circumstances.

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

(I have made an audio format of this post, you can download it here)

as rhythm the heartbeat

Love radiates warmth and peace, even in a very simple and short encountes with our beloved ones. While we behold this, we can feel it awesomely in our hearts; it's very pleasing yet we can't sufficiently express it in words alone. And yes, many times He grants me to experience that we don't need sophisticate things to present our love to others, it is very simple and awesome if only we are in Him Who are the source of every good things and of course Love.

These two days, in my dormitory room 101 with my beloved friends, I feel that warmth and peace. Even though we didn't make any big event to share our lives together, yet it is very good for us simply for being together. And two days ago, we watch the comedian, laughed together and eventually know better of each other. It is not about the pleasure or entertainment but joy I feel from dwelling together in peace and goodness. And that's how my room look like in these days which allowed by Providence of God. In that room are Andreas, Aldo, me, Daniel, Mas Eko and Suryo, while some others are doing student teaching out town. God loves you, my friends. Forgive me my fragile and unworthy love, but I know it is very amazing for us to love each other in the Lord.

And The Lord makes me learn that the very first step to Love is to knowing that without Him, our(my)self is nothing and in Him we find everything. Yes, without His Mercy and Faithfulness that we receive and we live in Him, then (we feel) only harsh obligations (or may be checklist) and even more, the coldness in heart and mind we experience. Live in His love is not to show off our ability, knowledge or virtues (or so to speak, self-esteem). Contrary, the more we come and abide in His love the more we realize our total and ultimate dependence on Him and that He loves us greatly.

He understands us perfectly; that our steps are very weak, but He is very faithfully leading us in the narrow way, bearing our Sign of Victory and Love and easy to please but hardly satisfied until we are truly be like Him (Thanks Romanos, I learn it from you). Amazingly the path is downward. While we keep focusing in Him, feeling ashamed with unworthiness of ours, then He gladly helped us and we freely unload any of our burdens and worries and passions with His mercy, until we find Christ firstly and He is all, longing Him as a deer longing for water. Until we have nothing of ourselves, we hold nothing, we pride of nothing, and even we know nothing but Him, in whom we find everything, Joy, Love, genuineness and overtime, we are not to be dependent of any external circumstances but in Him; we are filled and satisfied with His Goodness to eternity. We then fully devote our very heart, soul, mind and strength, drawn into His Love. We trust this all in His Hands which pierced severely because he so loves us and His Wonderful name resounds in us as rhythm the heartbeat.

Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!