Remember the Name of the Lord

This is the most thing that I remember from my mother, especially when she was very ill of her sickness. There is not other time in my past days that was more frightening and breaking my heart than to see my suffering mom laid on the bed and I was like couldn't do anything. Just saw her all the night from the edge of my bed which could be really tiresome, agonizing. I was really wish the morning quickly come and I could make a soup for her so that she could have the power to face another day, I thought in my simple mind.

My mom was very quiet to endure her sickness, even when she often being unconscious. I was just too young to understand what happened to her and I just prayed for her for strength and comfort, making soup and took care for her in my weaknesses. But this was the sweetest moment I experienced with her those time; she asked me to sing her favorite song "Ingat akan Nama Yesus" (Take the Name of Jesus with you) to comfort her. I would sing and she would become peaceful, then took her rest. O, my suffering mom, how Lord really loves you!

Take the Name of Jesus with you,
Child of sorrow and of woe,
It will joy and comfort give you;
Take it then, wherever you go

Refrain:
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.
Precious Name, O how sweet!
Hope of earth and joy of heaven.

Mom, too many days I found you silently bearing your pain, hunger and thirst in love, joy and hope! Thank you for taking care of me too for so long time and teaching me very faithfully. Yes, Mom I will take the most precious Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, wherever I go. It's not me, yet who is able to do so... Only in the Lord's mercy, only by His grace and mercy toward His unworthy servant such as me then strength I find, just as He faithfully kept you until your tent on earth was uprooted. I wished you're here with me now seeing and rejoicing for what Our Great Lord is doing! He is good and His love endures forever! Ameyn!

Happy birthday, Mom! Memory eternal!

Near Thee

In the dawn I woke up because I would have the Calculus exam soon this morning. The subject is not very easy and I could be very anxious about it, especially during the exam week. My mind can be so burdened and it's the time when all the anxiety, fear and sighs came together and made me very nervous and wanted to escape. Yet, this is the reality, inevitably, I dealt with it, with Lord's mercy.

At times, I was struck by the feeling of incompetence, unworthiness, incapability, uselessness, etc. And in fact, I wonder why such feelings are still striking for me? It's been so true in me and I don't need to defense, nothing surprising at all. Yes, I am unworthy and I can't rely on my own strength and understanding, it's my part to trust the Lord and only listen what He says which always true.

I took a special time to stand before the holy icons of the Lord and His Saints, kissing them reverently and said my prayers. In my heart, I cried

"Lord, behold your incapable and feeble servant
May Thou not be ashamed of my unworthiness
Too many things I did were very poor
and I dare not to look up and see the richness of your glory

I flee unto Thee, Who art mighty and strong
and adoring Thy unconditional Love
May the heart of Thy servant be filled with the praise of Thy amazing Love
Too great and wonderful for me to utter

As I step into the fierce warfare today
I know my weakness, my feet are tremble
so easy for me to fall and be crushed

Lord, this I plea
Be Thou near me
because only in Thee my heart calm
and may Thou givest me wisdom

Near Thee, Near Thee
When Thou put me behind
let me follow Thee ardently and joyfully
When Thou put me before Thee
let me kneel and bow reverently
When Thou art in my side
give me strength and courage
to be crucified with Thee

Lord, this I plea
to be near with Thee
wherever Thou wants
and follow Thee until the end

In the golden ray of dawn
in the warmth of morning sun
in the heat of day light
in the rain and in the storm
in the darkest time
be with me, Lord and never let me alone

Glory to Thee, O God! Glory to Thee
Let me put my trust in Thee for Thou art my God!
Amen!

Rememberance of death

The time of my death is a mystery, but I know for sure that I will die one day. May be today, tomorrow, or whenever it is God himself who knows. And for everything which is beyond me and beyond my understanding, I give them up all to the Lord, the owner of my life.

I keep thanking the Lord that he has given me these 21 years, since my first day on this world. In his faithfulness, it is Him who has vouchsafed me to go through a long, long way in the thorny and drought lands. Yet, in Him all those opportunities and providence He provides for His glory to be revealed. And the more I think, the more I feel that this has been too long for me to live. Yes, for me 21 years are so very long! It is in the day where the yoke which the Gracious Lord has trained me with, instead of chains, and glory to Him for all things. I have lived my life so unworthily since I was born with too many weaknesses but also strengths but my negligence in far more still.

But what can hinder His power to manifest through His humble servant? Lord, I am so unworthy but for the sake of Your mercy, keep me for I am Yours. Forgive me, Lord for the mule is smarter than me, because he may bear all things in silence, meekness and patience while me in carelessness. How I have been less than the birds in praising You in Your greatness. How ants have been much more diligent than Thy lowly servant. Only O Lord, help me! You have given me life and today You spare my life in Your Love. While waiting the day of Your coming, also while waiting for the end of my life in this earth, let all glory belongs to You! Remember O Lord, in Thy Mercy all those who have loved me so much, grant them consolation and Thy blessings when at any time I have to fall asleep, not only them, but also those who hate me and wants my end, Lord bless them!

Lord, have mercy!

Sane Michael

I love this poem from brother Romanos' Blog since I saw it for the first time. Here is the complete quote which I take from here:

Talk boldly
when you gotta speak, my son.
Walk slowly
like you don’t know how to run.
Hear wholly
when you wanna hear at all.
Fear only
what you know’ll make you fall.

‘Cause there’s a lotta people out there
wanna make a man outta you
in the wrong way.
But listen to me, please,
I’m on your side,
listen to what I’m trying to say—

Be a glove on the right hand
of your father, your only father.
Let him slip you on without a hitch
like a perfect fit.
In everything he has a mind to do
you’ll have a place of honor
and satisfaction that you really
had a part in it.

Think cleanly
through each knot of tangled lore.
Drink deeply
if you wanna drink some more.
Hook freely
on to someone’s charity.
Look really
when there’s something there to see.

— Romanós

Glory to Your Love, O Lord!

What should I say, what could I say
when my heart became so weary
and my flesh failed me
a sharp sword, a slippery stone
and I stumbled before the waterfall

Too many sounds
yet couldn't be heard so clearly
too many bees
around the Java apple's blossoms
when the calm, warm and dry down slope winds
breezed through the branches of the trees

Then I fainted, trying to catch breath
my tongue was stiff
and my eyes went droopy
voicelessly I moaned
as though drowning in turbulent stream

Suddenly a spotlight pierced the darkness
as though the moon shied away and the stars hid behind the clouds
a gentle hand, a strong hand reached me
"My son, my son, where are you?" as He approached
tears burst out through my downcast eyelids

"My Lord, my Lord" my heart cried spontaneously
"I am drowning, help me"
He ran and embraced me and brought me back to Him
then a noisy chamber he set
and a fat calf prepared on the table
for the prodigal and wandering child

Lord, Your Love!
How could I understand it
How strong, how mighty
How holy and how great!

Now let me put on the robe of your Love that You give
that I may rest and stay among Your servants, seeing Your glory
Your royal ring of mercy and faithfulness
be on my finger and let me rejoice and walk in the light of Your Majesty

Being with You, O my Lord, my heart rests in peace
Not the sea of sweets nor the mirage in the desert
could comfort me, only You O Lord
Not the heat of the sun nor the fiercest wind
could shake me when I am under Your Wings

Let me stay and be the least of Your servants but let me be with You
My life is Yours and I throw myself under your Holy Feet
Lord, teach me Your statutes, for You are my God!
Let my heart beats proclaim Your mercy and goodness!

Glory to Your Love! Glory to Your Unfailing Love, O Lord!

moderate

It is not easy for me sometimes to explain and understand what happened with my days, and there is an easy temptation to be self-protecting. This seems to be my dominant struggle, to forget myself and to move beyond my comfort zone. This reminds me to not give thanks only for the easy and comfortable times in the days that the Lord give me, but also for very though and really difficult ones. Because it is the Lord who owns my life and everything; I am His. Lord, have mercy!

In the world which exalt the luxury and comfortability, when the success is measured by self-improvement and earthly wealth, it is for us to remember that we may live in the world but not of the world. Therefore, even in my weakness I really love the guidance and acts of ascetic life. It reminds us not to be attached to or love this world and the fake pleasures, but to be moderate and have the remembrance of our Lord, to humble our body so that our heart will learn to be humble too.

However, too many times I forgot that I am ignorant and don't know anything of myself. There are many things which happen and need no explanations, and I learn to love them. It is not to say that I shouldn't care, but to care without being tempted to satisfy all curiousness. It is better to keep silent and pray to God to help us to be obedient and have peace of mind. Glory to You, O God! Teach me Your statutes for You are my God and help me to love my neighbors as myself. Amen!