ehm....
This is my very first edition in this blog. I am just trying something new and hopefully it can be useful for me, and for all of you! I felt a little bit tired today and one thing I can do is smile as wide as I can. For what? for everything that is happening in my life now. Sometimes it's just awesome to me to be here at this time although sometimes I have to deal with my friends, fear-courage, doubt and trust, tears and laugh and my self.
I wonder, for me it can be hard to relate with other people. I need more time and more strength to give a part of my life and trust it to my beloved friends and neighbors. I really love them, don't I? But many times my fear and ego persist me to do, think something for other.
Ah, that's may be caused by the unfulfilled of myself. I feel unsecured, alone and maybe helpless. Honestly I was used to be a very selfish people. I tried to figure out anythings alone and work for my self and even get the pleasures for my soul. And I can feel it even in the holy or right things such as pray, fast or anything. It's a little bit hard for me to entrust what is in me to many people around me. But as I deeply think about it, I found that there are two major factors caused me to be so.
The first one came from inside me, that is the hunger of my soul. I got so many embarrassment in my childhood and also some rejection. Many times the little me acted as what others supposed it is kind, nice and good. But sometimes this came from my effort to be accepted and safe. Besides, I also learned many exceptions through out my past life like because I was fatherless then I not necessarily learn how to deal with many man work (customs). Those kinds of fear and unfair situations finally formed my automatic emotional code inside my brain. And I found that that can cause the dishonesty because i can not show who really am I, instead the masked I am because I was not used to be truly me.
But I also have to be careful with the golden trap in dealing with this issue, that is the self-pity which can form another mask for me and also the impulsive attitude toward it. Actually they are not my enemies, rather they are my friends: the fear, sadness, hunger, tears and anger. As their friend, I want to just sit with them, talk and huge them. The more I hate and oppose them the more they will love me and vice versa. What I need to do is to greet them and let them by. Never reject them because If it is so, They will take control over me.
Even the deeper I think about it, I found that If I would hear the very heart of me and not try to pretend to be good. There is a great clue from that sound of fear and anger to the true place. Just sit and talk with them in your silence and just invite The Friend of friends to accompany you and ask for His mercy, he will help you to be wise in dealing with your friends. Whoever drink from The Waters, he will never be drought again. So wonderful. But there is also a trap here, that is when I think that those friends will not appear again or be destroyed wholly from my life. That will not happen, because they are my self. Could I destroy my essence, my soul? Absolutely not. They will always surround me because there they are. What I should be aware of is the trap and what their words try to teach me!
To be continued tommorow,
From SPH Sentul City with Love
Yudi
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