in that little smile

One among the things which I find can make difference in our days is this: to appreciate others and honor their presence. When I look deeper into this, this is the first gate we go through if we want to pass on our love to others. Simply pause ourselves, look at their faces and feel their hearts through their eyes then we can start our ministry of presence to them, in the Lord's mercy. Yes, I admit that sometimes the thoughts, concerns and cares can be very demanding our (my) attentions. And I think it's good for us to stay focus on what we need to do as our responsibility. However, as long as it is in our power to stop the activity for a while so that we may offer help to others, it will be very beneficial.

This is very related to the attentive state of heart. We always keep watch and catch every opportunities given by the Lord in our days to glorify Him even through the least that we can do. When we are willing to be faithful in the little things, He is pleased.. and out of His love He'll entrust us to do great things. Let's have at least the desire to welcome others and to spare what we have -life, time, attention, care, belongings, money- to them in Love, and let's follow what the Lord doing in Scripture and our lives. Let's look to others in peace of heart... by gentle gaze, sincere smile and mindful listening... through small gifts, honest compliments. It's always good thing to give thanks to God for the people whom He sends us; and also to honor their presence and appreciate them ;)!

less imbalance

Some strong and attached felling can be counter-productive sometimes. One among the hardest aspects of life that is hard (at least for me) to understand is about feeling and emotions. It's just as mysterious, continuous and fluid as I expect it to be. The more I discover, the more I am convinced that it's something which needs to be trained and tamed, just like our tigers. Especially I am concerned of the way of expressing some kind of strong (even impulsive) and demanding feeling. In this is the spot of self-mastery lies.

When I think of the key principle of the expression management, I find something which almost always true: that we can not control others at any point. Let them think freely, judge freely and acts freely toward us according to what comes into their hearts. We can love and influence others as long as it is in our power to do that, yet we can not make that person to keep love us and to be what we want. There could be no love if there's no freedom. The hard part for me personally is to accept that at times. It's unpleasant to hear the harsh comments, critics or rough truth about myself. And lately, I have to face it in a little bit high dose.

I keep praying to the Lord that He grants me wisdom and discernment. Lest I fall into the trap of self-pity and fail to see others and to love them. Yes, it's easy for me to fall into that trap, I will only go forth in Lord's mercy alone... Thus, this beautiful prayer I ascend before the merciful God, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

rhythm of day

Another thing came to my mind is to learn to be flexible and humble to accept whatever life may bring. In my ancestor's language, a word which refers to this is 'nrimo' which simply means (v) to accept. It's especially true when I walked in the villages where the villagers simply do what they need to do sometimes without any lofty ambition but to work and eat with smiles in their face (picture: a Javanese lady nrimo). In nrimo, we are taught not to be passive and giving up, but to be so much flexible and flow like the water in the stream. Be it in the trouble and great sorrow, be it in happy moments, simply accept what is going on and do what we can do with it in peace of mind, and not with ambitions. That what makes Javanese so meek and yet sometimes unheard, unmoved.

Now, it's time for me to recognize this and come back to the rhythm of the day... being present and give the heart totally to the Lord and what He entrusts me. There is time to draw the water and there is a time to pour it out. Freely receive, freely give. Never take a hold and nrimo, because the faithful Hands of the Lord is at work!

in every moment

Breath and smile. I meditate on these two simplest things that I can do in every moment and everywhere. Sometimes people and even myself ask, why do I smile and I said, "I simply smile because I enjoy the moment." Yes, I have been diving the ocean of simplicity recently. Since it is when I am becoming too sophisticate and lofty; making myself somewhat busy with many cares, worries, etc. then I started being distracted and lost. Joy and peace being in every moment because it is the Lord God which own and lead me into His good will. It is the assurance of Hope in him which make us stand firmly and surrender wholly our lives to be hidden in Him.

Something that my Dad said to me always encourage me to bear everything (or in the language that I prefer: to be peacefully present at the moment) in peace and joy, accept everything that happens to you, good and bad, with the same cheerfulness (not resignation), the same satisfaction with God's plan for your life.

Flow with the moment in trust and keep doing what is right -no more and no less- ... because God will certainly sustain us and be with us in every moment in life, whether it's pleasant or not. At times, it comes to me that my own limited conceptual minds which make me becomes so choosy such as, "I want it that way, and not this way" or "I wished I can be in different time and place" or "If only I was born... , etc." There are temptation to project myself into the past or too far into the future to skip the 'undesirable' reality. But what we have and what we can work out is the present. Therefore it's very important to be present and live the moment, abide in God and follow Him here and now. As the consequences, we unload and put out the unnecessary loads from the past and even from the future, simply breath and smile... waiting, see and be ready whenever the Lord ask us and we say yes. When we fail and fall, we flee to Him because He is always here and readily to raise us up! Glory to God!

unloading

The wind is breezing very peacefully to my skin through the back door of my dorm. It's been very nice to have the white clouds spreading on the sky and the green leaves shaking as the wind passes through them. The nature is so simple, peaceful and honest. They simply receive what's given and give what they receive. Many times, I really need to learn from the movement and breath of the nature. Besides that, December is approaching soon so the mild wind and heavy rain could come interchangeably makes the heart becomes a little softer and sober toward the Christmas.

I am thinking of simplifying the things which have been quite scattered and reorganizing the messy things; kind of sorting out the materials which can be used immediately and the ones which can't (i.e. unnecessary ones) so that I can focus my mind on the things that's really important and needful (both physically and mentally). One thing that I notice is that I can't simply force myself into it too quickly. I need to do it very deliberately and according to the capacity otherwise it'll be quite unsuccessful. Keeping heart and mind in simplicity and as it is I hope will help to unload unnecessary cares and thoughts to focus on the Lord and his faithfulness.

when it's all about His love

There was the lighting candle procession in the Sunday Chapel today as the mark of first Advent weeks; weeks of penitence, expectation, excitement and preparation of the coming of Christ. It's very good for me to attend and listen to an encouraging sermon from Dr. Miller in the beginning of this season. One thing which sticks in my mind and speaks very beautifully to my soul is that everything in my life is about His unfailing love. No matter what happened in my life, even though it's not as pleasant as my sinful thought wishes, yet it's still the best ;).

The Love of God, so rich and pure... even though I am really undeserved to receive anything good, but I know that I simply can't live without His mercy and faithfulness. His love never fails and it is in Him I must wait and stay silent. It's the unloving heart of mine, the anti-critic attitude and coldness of my soul which make me really blind and lost. Lord, have mercy! May I live in it, even though it started with a little thought that everything tells of Your Goodness and mercy, but through my little words and actions that You allow, may I always depend on Your love as long as I live. Amen!

Looking up

Today we decorated our floor and room... Hm, no actually I just took very little part in it. I am not a diligent man and feeling not very good at physical works. It's been so nice to feel the nuance of Christmas and to hear and sing the Christmas songs the whole day. One of my favorite songs is "Veni, veni Emmanuel". That's very beautiful song for me during the season like this, with my friends in the dorm.

There are many things happen around me and most of them are mysterious. I really wish the simple things can make me happy and silent yet somehow I am being restless because of my own unwisdom. I am a kind of person which love to stick on something and wish that thing never change. I come to realize that it's unrealistic... so many things change and are not under my control :P. This is all in God's and He is good and He never changes. I need to constantly look up and asking for Him Who is beyond all understanding and wisdom.

The most uncomfortable moments that I need to deal with these days are the emotional storm! I feel very emotionally charged, the melancholic soul and mind helps me much to surf the up and down of the tantrum very quickly. Hmm, I am wondering and I am still hoping that I will pass through this path with the Lord in His abundant mercy so that I'll live detached with my unreliable feelings and survival instinct... It make me ashamed at times to realize that I spend most of my time and my life with myself. Well, it's just a thought and my thought is not very compatible with reality. So, I just count the days and when I see that it's not long, I know that He will work in me to do His will... Amen.

with others

One among many other crucial aspects in life I think is about how we get along with other people. We are commanded to love others, everybody just like we love ourselves. There are many occasions when I think very complex and sophisticate about how we deal with others' hearts and souls. The more complicated my thought, the harder it will be to have humble heart to welcome everybody in peace. I sense this kind of relation as I observed it from day to day living with my dorm-mates. Simplicity in heart, non-judgmental attitude toward others can be really helpful to reach others in love. Yet, sometimes that's what the hardest part I must face: my own presumptuousness and perceptions.

The most difficult part for me to tame is the urge to hurry and being reactive. It's the fact that I realized that to listen often need self-discipline and constrain. Especially when the unpleasant part of me is being revealed, such as being 'lazy man', 'unskilled man', etc, I will be automatically react. I know I am still young and not experienced, may the Lord smoothen my heart to see beyond what it appears, so that the love is still being grown in my heart for His glory.

Inner peace, overlooking the mispronounces and weaknesses of others is what the Lord leading me through. I want to thank Him for everyone whom He has allowed to train me and ask His forgiveness for my failures and reactive attitude. Lord, have mercy! It's very interesting though that when I feel inadequate and flee to the Lord, He helped me with unspeakable mercy. It has taught me that I can not rely on my own efforts and power to move, it's only by His mercy and faithfulness. May the Lord bless everybody according to His wisdom and love! Ameyn!

Clinging to the Lord

There is a special part of my mundane days that I think I will miss when I leave this campus. That's when I go down stair from the library to go for lunch. I don't know why, even though I have passed the same route from time to time but I can feel the difference, fresh sights which can make my mind recharged. The reason for that is because I love to meet my friends and other young people who are interacting to each other. It's just really good for me personally.

Sometimes though, I found myself in the difficult part of this young life, especially when I look into myself a bit much, being discouraged and overwhelmed. That's when the pain of loneliness and emptiness creeping unexpectedly. In those times, it's not difficult for me to escape and skip the reality. I want to jump as quick as I can to that undisturbed solitude and confinement, to kind of skip the pain and wipe the grief.

How many times should I be reminded of Beloved Christ and the Holy Cross? He Who is God-Man, suffered the most pains and unutterable miseries. Yet, how faithful and full of love He stayed still. He loved, cared and looked after his neighbors and even His enemies steadily, unconditionally and undisturbed. Yes, most astoundingly, even He spoke peace and forgiveness even when His pure Hands were pierced with nails on the cross. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You! Christian life will only made possible when we abide in Him and He is in us, since out of Him we can do nothing.

It's like in the harsh wilderness of fallen world, when the vipers of pain and despair bit us, we need to look upon Him and be alive. Let every single sigh and each drop of tears from this weary soul be the fountain of repentance and myrrh gushed out from our longing of True Joy! "Open your lips, O Israel that I may fill your mouth with my mercy!" How beautiful it is that He faithfully sustains His servants and desires the repentance of all. To Him we flee in every moments in life: in joy and sorrow, in health and sickness, in smile and cry.... He is Joy beyond Joy! When we trust our lives to the loving secret Hands of the Lord, then our eyes will be opened and granted vision like His: full of compassion.

My Dad who loves me so much, likes to say, "Always welcome everybody which the Lord send you with kindness and respect, Son!" It's simple and true. And it's only possible when we have that compassionate heart from the Lord! For all things that the Lord send me on my way and for His faithfulness which is beyond my thoughts and heartbeat, Glory to God! Ameyn!

Thank the Lord for the birthday!

War at the exit door

Among the wolves and lions
snakes kiss my legs
I stepped outside through the gate of red
above the stream of fresh water
thus I jumped into water and the fish lift me up
fish with big scales

Fall on me O bridge
tear me down till I am no more
Fish, do you have that cure
I want to drink it
and sleep long

Water in
water in
fill me till I am one with you
breath you in
breath you out

war at exit door
now I have been at the gate
with your sword, stub me O brightest hero
and throw me to the river

A world without corner

The blue sky now turns into black
soft cold wind blows so ardently
I took the crumbs of my noonday breads
sat on the stone under the shadow of young tree

A night bird, faithful fellow
staring at the crumbs wanting to take some
I stretched my hands for her to reach
She nodded and landed her little feet on my palm

What do you long for, little fellow?
Moon
Moon, O man!
Do you see her?
No. I have been waiting here too
where does she go?

The tree shook up her leaves and whisper
She hides behind the thick clouds
She throws her feet and hands
fainted among the mountains and hills
She dives and sinks into oceans

Why is she making those journeys?
she should be at rest

O, little fellows
don't you know yet?
this world is spinning
it's without corner

Where then should I hide myself from the valiant storm?
I started singing
O man, if only you could fly with me or rest on my nest
there you can sing and soar

Dearest fellow, faithful fellow
since the world's without corner
I'll be still here
invisible, stay in absence
among the lilies and fragrant blossoms
until the wind blows me and I am gone

O, shade tree may I rest on your branches?
Go up here, little fellow
Then I took my staff
knock on the rock
and left

I dare not

I dare not to say, when that be

mountains go to the sea

all grown to be brown

I dare not to see

when the clouds become so red

and all cried for stars

I dare not to gaze

to the blazing light of the sun

burns everything in a glimpse

torturing the land with drought and famine

I dare not to laugh

to the roaring sea, waves on the shore

I just want to smile and smile

Bring me down

bring me down

only the best

One among my hobbies related to the internet world is to learn languages online. I have been learning Russian for several months, and when you ask me how much I have learned, well, I can say not very much :D. I prefer to know people (i.e. my online teachers), talk to them and getting to know their lives as long as they allow me to know rather than just to know the languages. Thus my progress is not very vast but I really enjoy the process of communicating and interacting with people from far away countries. Is it a waste of time? Hm, the answer can be yes and no. I believe that it can never be a waste when there is friendship, love and genuine share of lives. And it can never be a waste when it's done timely, knows when and where to say enough; being moderate. Yet, I realize that in certain sense it can't replace the personal, face to face interactions and communication.. Obviously, it can be time killing when it's done without consideration and too much. One keyword: self-control.

I am glad to learn many good things from my friends, especially those friends who stay calm, undisturbed and knows how to say enough. There are many things in this world being offered to us to satisfy, entertain and escape us from the true reality. Thus, even for my self, those offers can form certain imaginations, wants and desire for gratifications which can be a trap and make us captive.

One thing that I learn: Be careful of my wants... Why? Because I am being deceived, by my own weaknesses, fallen-ness and partiality. My judgement and wisdom is so limited. And once again I am convinced that it is the words of God which shows us the way, so pure and genuine. It shows us the true reality of our world --and how to deal with it, even further with ourselves, with others and most important with Him. It is in His great mercy that He taught us to pray, "Thy will be done..." since He is the Ever-Good God who desires life and what is good for us in His love. Yet, even His Goodness is mystery for us, we need humility and wisdom from above to recognize and understand it.

Nothing more precious and genuine than our desire to be with- and for God! The more we grow in love toward Him, the more we are being detached with worldly and fleshly desires.

In and for Your Love, O Lord we shall rest
since from there our hearts You created
Now our eyes are blur
the wind is strong
we admire the beauty of mirage

In and for Your Love, O Lord we shall rest
for You love us, you call our souls precious
But, let us be reminded..
Lest we sell our lives for money, the cheapest of all
Lest we abandon our lives to the hollow praises
Lest we soak ourselves in blood, filthy and gimmick

But resting in You,
listening to Your saving and gentle Voice
we march in lowliness
shattering our lives, our hearts to be given to all
until we find rest in You and for You!

Keep moving

Thinking and pondering sometimes can help me and may be some of us to refine our thoughts and decisions. However, at other time it can be a labyrinth for me especially when I am thinking harder than I should or being captivated with worries and anxieties which is in fact unreal and deceptive. I remember once my gentle teacher said to me, "Abandon yourself to Christ.." and now I find that he's saying such a great truth to me.

I have to admit that in many occassions, I will start using my limited logic to deal with the circumstances, trying so hard to figure it out, and then having an uneasy emotional storm. One thing which I realize it that I need to cast out my fear and anxiety to Him who knows perfectly. I need to admit it before the Lord and trust Him in everything. It is for me to ask His mercy and joy to accept all things wheter it's 'pleasant' or 'not pleasant' with the same joy and acceptance and gratitude. It will be a long process to go through, but with the Lord, how can I doubt?

What I need to do is to keep moving... one step at one time... While begging for the Lord's mercy and strength, it is for me to 'come and see' the goodness of the Lord in everything I need to do for the moment; to keep love and do what is true as He commands. There is no joy can compare to the joy of His presence, when He comes closer to us and we come closer to Him. Glory to God!

He knows perfectly

After being hiatus for some moments to do my works, it's time to be here again to share my reflections and thoughts and yes, my life- with my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ and with everybody out there who also lives under His dominion. It's been a time which is good to be grateful for. Most of the works entrusted to me has been done well with the strength from the Lord and it's been really a training for me to grow, especially in the emotional field relating with my life with those whom the Lord send to be in my life.

Most of my responsibility comes from the scholarship program that's been offered for me to study in this university. It's very great program as long as I follow this, yet I can say that it's not very easy, full of load and sometimes can be exhausting: very crowded schedules, requirements, mandatory, etc. But realizing that nothing can come to my life without the Lord allows it, I am always reminded to praise and to glorify Him who has given so much grace in everything He entrust His servant to be and to do.

I've been back to my campus and now it's time to back to my university seat :D. Honestly, it's really a field for me to be grown and to be formed by the faithful hands of the Lord. Just like a little plant in the field, exposed to the heat of the sun, the droplets and streams of water, etc; so am I shaped and faced with some challenges and opportunities. It is always in my mind to pray, "Lord, may Your goodness alone be real in every single moment of Thy servant live... Might Thou also transform me, and grant those around Thy servant peace. Sustain them with Thy love and mercy, especially when I am fallen and being the stumbling block. Lord have mercy!"

How easy it is for me to be tempted with easier life, more comfortable place and time; seeking for pleasure and entertainment in my naive mind. That's why it's not rare for me to be attacked with uneasy feeling and being down severely. It's only because of God's goodness which is beyond measure and understanding that I am survived and raised up again. This is what I have been learning so far, that it's unwise to keep demanding for external change, i.e. to be in another place, time, with other people, being in any other circumstances but forget to pray, "Change my heart, O God... Grant Thy servant peace!"

The Lord is so faithful and merciful. He is in control of everything runs under His Love, however strong the wrong, the mishaps as we feel it is. He's doing what is good, beautiful and perfect among us and with us. In trusting the Lord and in asking the Lord, "Thy will be done", it's simply more than words--, it's about living and being in Christ Himself and in His amazing love day by day....

Hiatus

Dear beloved friends, brothers and sisters in the Lord

It's very likely that I won't be able to continue my blogging until unknown period of time due to the some works. I will be missing you all, but I keep you all in my prayers. If the Lord grant me another days to live and write, I'll be glad to be here in blogosphere. But if that's not the case, please pray for me before the merciful Lord! Thanks very much for your faithfulness and patience. Now you can return to your good works and blessed silence with the Holy Scriptures!

Christ is with us!


Yudhie

Gratitude

I love the idea of making certain 'raw materials' from the nature into some useful shapes and goods. Cooking would be the first in my list. Even though I don't really know many receipts of foods, but I really enjoy of making the separated ingredients into one delicious menu. When I was a child I also loved the art of clay, especially when the heavy tropical rain made lots of mud in my house, I was so glad to making 'sculptures' of chicken, candles and etc.

When I think of this, I realize that many times what provided along our way are like various ingredients of delicious menu. What I receive now are something still under constructions. I have to admit that it's not rare for me to assume that my friends when they interact me are already ready. When I got the mentor for example, I assumed that my mentor must be like this and that, first it sounds like an expectation, but later it became a kind of preoccupations of 'what?? he should ...." or "she should..." and "they should...". But if it's ignored, the disappointments and dissatisfaction can be great challenge in the latter days for love to grow.

This reminds me to the some lines of a beautiful morning prayer I really love, "Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul, and with firm conviction that your [Lord's] will governs all".
How beautiful it is to have a gentle and opened heart, to welcome and to respect everybody. When we give up our own measurements i.e. preoccupations, judgments... toward others, we will be able to welcome them in love. We trust that love from the Lord which is in us can transform both ourselves and also those who are with us. Yes and it can be a long and slow process, but love is victorious. May the Lord grant us wisdom to receive joyfully what He provides in our way; a courage to act in love and sobriety and to keep our hearts toward Him, the source of our True Joy!

Lord, thank You for everything You sent me today and always! Let me not grumble but joyfully accept it and let me be your vessel to transform whatever comes in Your Faithfulness. For Your will is always the best and all things declare Your Glory, both now and ever and unto the ages of ages! Ameyn!

Back to simplicity

To live life as it is. That has been a motto which colored my life so far. Whenever I started to dreaming so lofty and high, I quickly remind myself that it is enough and everything that God has given me has been so abundant. Some of the signs that I am being neglectful are that I start being touchy, grumbling and complaining about many things. The problem is often not in those external things beyond my control, but here inside, in the state of the heart.

This is what I constantly ask the Lord, to grant me His mercy so that I realize to see my lowly state and to slowly mold my hardened heart, a heart which is blinded by fear, gluttony and ignorance.

Vanity can be a great stumbling block in the spiritual maturity. But one thing which I remember from what the Holy Fathers said, 'always take the lowest place...' and 'joyfully receive everything the Lord sent'. Lord, have mercy!
This has been my pitfall, a desire to be seen as good and important, even though in reality I am not what is more by my own strength. It's always tempting to be the brightest star of all, the highest one, to be the best. But I am what God said I am and that's all, may it be my gladness.

To live life as it is, not to see and compare it with others... But to live it as He Who gives the Life wants me to live. Lord, have mercy! Keep my heart O Lord and help me, when I think I am worthy enough to receive Your mercy; when I think I have rights to choose and to have, when I think that this universe is for me... Remind me that all is Yours and for Your glory!

What dream, a high dream
meaningless, meaningless
wants and desires
thirst and hunger
the higher the dream, the more lacking
all I want is to be with You, my Lord
but how unworthy your servant is
so place me wherever Your love desires
and for me to be happy in the lowest place
Ameyn!

Being Watchful

My Mathematics teacher once told me to keep doing the exercises after I got his explanations both in the classroom and at home. By getting familiar with the variations of the questions and problems, a student than might be able to master the topic well. With diligence and eagerness in practicing, the student will have a clear picture when they are given the exam questions to do. One of the factors which I observe involved in this process is the anticipation of the student. The student is able to anticipate various pitfalls and variations in the problems, even when it's in high level.

When I reflect on this, I can see that it's absolutely important to be mindful and attentive toward the Lord in this life. Only in Him and His commandments is the true light found to face many pitfalls in our days. Just like a student who learns and patiently gives attention to what he's doing and discerns the knowledge, he thus will be able to anticipate the pitfalls and various forms of obstacles in the problems. Being watchful is an important part of this attentiveness.

"Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong..." 1 Cor. 16:15.

It's very important for us to have our days being filled with the truth from the Holy Scriptures, not partly, let it be in the Lord's mercy, wholly both in mind and mouth and heart. For it is out of his heart man brings forth the treasures of actions, so let our heart being vessel of Lord's grace, a living scroll.

I personally find that morning is such a beautiful moment to be silent and receiving blessings from the Holy Scriptures. Yet, honestly when I had hurried morning, it would be hard to have that beautiful moment, yet the alternative is to read an excellent blog consisting the Scripture reading from Abbot Tryphon, "The Morning Offering", which you may also click on this blog's side bar.

At some cases, the rest of the day could be great as well. Just like my beloved Dad used to say, "just catch the moment and be attentive." It would be very great for us to taste how sweet and refreshing the words of God are for our souls. I really pray that we can have such blessing from the Lord to listen and live the Holy commandments because He is our God!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

For the Love's sake

I really need to learn more and more to endure and be patient. Thank the Lord for the opportunity to see my own failures and mistakes to learn. Deep in my heart I ask the Lord to grant me peace and patience to endure all things which He allows to happen. But practically, I am still learning very poorly. Lord, have mercy!

In life, the circumstances may change and at times it changes very rapidly. The clouds and the stars appear and disappear from our sight. I really pray to God to grant me patience and humility to face everyday and may His name be glorified forever! I want to sing His praises and be with Him both in the brightest morning when the birds chant and in the darkest stormy night when the thunders hitting the trees.

Lord, let it be.... For You yourself had endured so many things and suffered for us in Love. Grant me also O Lord to leave my comfort and childish likes and dislikes, to be moderate in walking in this dessert, to look and greet all those whom You sent in peace! Your mercy and faithfulness, your staff and rod, they comforted me!

Yahweh is my shepherd.
I lack nothing.

In meadows of green grass he lets me lie.
To the waters of repose he leads me;
there he revives my soul.

He guides me by paths of virtue
for the sake of his name.

Though I pass through a gloomy valley,
I fear no harm;
beside me your rod and your staff
are there, to hearten me.

You prepare a table before me
under the eyes of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil,
my cup brims over.

Ah, how goodness and kindness pursue me,
every day of my life;
my home, the house of Yahweh,
as long as I live!

Psalm 23 -Jerusalem Bible

He is faithful...

I am very grateful today since once again I am refreshed and reminded that The Lord knows very well how to comfort His servants. Yes, even though I am an unworthy servant of His but His Love and Faithfulness are beyond what I can describe.
I had a rough time recently, being busy, tired and then got a severe anxiety. It's like I want to take control immediately of the things I am dealing with so that I could simply enjoy the moment. Yet the more I tried to do so, the further joy and peace flew from my heart. When I think I must change the external circumstances to be happy, when I want to be satisfied immediately with attentions and the service of others it means I have been side-tracked by my self-centeredness. Lord, have mercy! How easy it is for me to be trapped in the midst of the mirage of worldly cares! One thing is needful that is to listen to the Lord very faithfully and keep our minds and hearts in remembrance of Him.

Whenever the works and all the emotional traits demand from us more than it should be, it's time to pull ourselves out and attend to the most needful thing for us: the remembrance of the Lord. I'd been really tempted to deal with many cares which actually not only non-beneficial but also harmful to my soul. The Lord is always faithful and patient.

He knows exactly how timid and distractive I am, yet in His mercy He reach out His hands for me to grab. He is a Father who is very easy to be pleased but really hard to be satisfied, since He wants everyone of us be perfect like He is. It's always great to remember to lay our cares and even the very we are unto Him and He will give us His yoke which is light and brings unspeakable peace. He is gentle and humble in heart, let's learn from Him, even trust Him in everything! His Love is pure and sincere.

Lord, May Your will be done in every moments in my life. Through all things which You send, give my heart peace and gladness to welcome them and rejoice in You. Because I live in You and I am yours, save me! For everyone who loves, rejoices, and open their hands in love, bless them. For those who dislikes, mistrust and misunderstand.. Grant them mercy! For you are the Lord of all, the Merciful Master, the Lover of Mankind both now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen.

In His Faithful Hands

God's mercy is abundant indeed. In his faithfulness He strengthens and refreshes us. He touches our lives to lift our minds from the mud of worries and keeping us from drowning into the sea of despair. I have to admit that it's very easy for me to look unto myself more than I should. And when I reflect on this, I know that I constantly needs His strength and mercy to heal me through whatever means He wants.

It's pleasant when our friends and those who near us think positively about us. And many times that's what I want: to be perceived as good, accountable and right. What I really need to grasp is that that's not necessarily the case in reality, it can be -at anytime- be quite the opposite. Then I remembered what my lovely friend in Christ saying this, echoing the Holy Scripture: Love is freely given. Love doesn't choke and doesn't control others... How I need to let my beloved brothers and sisters be free to interpret who I am; to honestly say what they think of me regardless its 'objective' validity. Sometimes it's not an easy thing for me to simply accept what they might think about me and there's an urge to defend "hey, would you clarify that I am like this, this, blah, blah"! Lord, have mercy!

The Lord is faithful! He is my strength and in Him my soul finds rest and peace. It is His hands which work wisely and timely in every single day of our lives to work what is good, noble and holy in us. Yes, even when something seemed for us to be bent, broken or not as what we want. He patiently works in us and sanctify us into His likeness when He allows these things to reach us. When somebody said harsh thing about us, let it be to keep us from vicious vanity. When somebody thinks badly about us, let's bring him into Lord's mercy and pray for them. When somebody unfortunately forced us to do something and tied us to please him, as long as it's not against God, let's do it joyfully to make our body and soul be humble and pleasing unto God. When being cursed, let's fill our heart and mind with blessings. The Lord knows everything and He is merciful... lest these things which come to us to sanctify us be a stumbling block for us to rejoice in the Lord... And being in this circumstance, we'll see clearer, Who is our Master.

We are what God said we are... and that's what I trust, and always remember that we are Christ's. When we see Christ constantly and make Him our only Joy, we will have great shalom to participate in the Life and Love of Most Holy Trinity and all the saints, in His mercy we'll have the courage to embrace and love our neighbors, overlooking others' weaknesses and hatred... Our life is hidden with Christ in God. So, let's welcome everything which come to us in peace and joy, trusting that the Lord is faithful and His Spirit will guide us in wisdom and make us more Christ-like. Glory to Thee O God! Glory to Thee!

workshop of holiness

It has been a great experience for me to be together with my friends during this practicum in Kalimantan Island. I and three of my friends Jonshon, Bambang and Rudy will be here, in Pontianak to do the field experience during these 3 or so months. So far we had very exciting days! It is always good for brethren to be together in peaceful manner. We are Christians, and it is great to share and talk to each other heart’s about our real lives and struggles in living our faith in Christ. We had great time to share our concerns and all that happen to us to purify them and offer them back to the Lord.

After hearing a few things being shared after the reading of Holy Scriptures in our room, I heartily concluded that our joy is not depend on the favorable circumstances, but depend on Christ who fill our hearts. We will face a quite busy and tiring days for sure during these months, but our good relationship and brotherhood is such precious refresher of strength. And I keep praying that the Lord grant us love, patience and humility so that the enemy would not defeat our friendship. Let it be that the will of God to show love to each other being evident in us to glorify His name.

Truly every relationships and circumstances which God allows to be in our lives are aimed to sanctify us and make us humble to be filled with his love. We need to have courage to strengthen each other, to bear each other and help each other in a so very real manner in this group of four for me specially. Thank God for this opportunity to train my patience and forbearance. I reflect how needful it is to look on our own sinfulness rather than that of others. It is excellent to overlook the weaknesses of others, to pray for them. Never hold back, don’t take offense. Leave it right away.

It is for us to look at others and forget ourselves. I continually praise the Lord for this opportunity, for this time and everything which He has prepared and provides. I am so thankful for friends and lovely Dad ;)! Lord, to be nearer to Thee and following Thee is my greatest joy! Remember, O Lord in Thy kindness those you have sent, preserve them, bless them and grant them eternal life. Ameyn!

Trust and obey

This evening, after the rain stopped, I reflected a little bit in my silence feeling the fresh air and silence which is always good for the mind and heart. Still quite often, I find a rather funny thing in me: to know that something true and worthy sometimes is just the beginning to the next path of willingness to live it out and even to willing to die for this truth. Last night as I read the book of Esther, I found for the first time this line speaks very poignantly, "Go and assemble all the Jews now in Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink day or night for three days. For my part, I and maids will keep the same fast, after which I shall go to the king in spite of the law; and if I perish, I perish!" This was said by Esther in obedience to her uncle's instruction to face the plan of the extermination of Israelites by Haman; and therefore also an act of obedience to God.

In the journey of faith and of our discipleship in Christ our Lord, we will face many circumstances which really need and shape our obedience. And it has been always true when we read the Holy Scripture, both in Old Testament and in The Church, both as it is written in the New Testament or in the opened letters, the faithful Christians. Our holy father Abraham who followed both faithfully and obediently Lord's calling and commands to go from his father land. Holy prophet Moses also had many cases where obedience is the issue. The suffering righteous Joseph, Holy prophets Jeremiah, Hosea, Jonah, and those beloved Prophets of the Lord were the warrior in obedience to God's Holy commands to go and to call the God's people to repentance. It is noteworthy to reflect how obedience is a perfect synergy of faith, humility, courage and love. We may see it in the persons of St. John the Forerunner, Holy Apostles Paul, St. Peter, all the Apostles, Saints and Martyrs of Christ! Obedience helps us to understand the spiritual truth not only in our minds but more than that, also in our hearts and souls. And by that we live out our lives in love with all our strengths. Obedience is (I love this saying from my beloved brother and friend in Christ) when we listen attentively to Him, and we fix our eyes on Him, seeing what He is doing in us and in Holy Scriptures and we follow His steps, always say yes to Him whatever the cost.

It reminds me to what Fr. Alex told me (as far as I remember) during my stay with him last December, "Nanda (son), now as you live in the Holy Church, Be it a joy for you to know and learn the faith. Not only by reading or gathering information, more than that, to live it out faithfully. Yes, even though when you know very little, observe it in gladness and patience to please our Lord..." And for a beginner like myself, prayer rule and fasting are very good teachers of obedience! Especially fasting, it is like muscle training for our hearts to be softened, sharpened and humbled.

And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it (Mat 7:27).

In the real life in general there is not 'shortcut' for us who want to be obedient. In saying "Thy Will be done", we welcome the Lord's Love and make a home for Him in our hearts. It leads us to crucifying our old flesh and letting Him to peel off the mask, the dust which corrupt our genuineness and it is Him who make us perfect; to be changed like Him. And sure, we will find ourselves in a battle of temptations. Just follow and abide in Him, because He is a good shepherd. His rod and his staff are there to hearten us! The Evil one will try his best to drag us from this healing Love, by intimidating us and creating various discontentment for us to look at, and therefore by such things our gaze will be altered away from our Most Holy God just like what happened to our ancestor Adam. But the truth is, he is a liar! He tried to make us agree with him, and then we start feeling the fear, worry, mistrust, hunger and even bitterness toward Holy commandments. It is for us to trust Him and His love, to listen and to follow Him, to confess to Him-- shortly to abide in Him! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Love is action

Even a word can make a difference; even a word can articulate love, respect and yes, maybe even hatred. Some times what is spoken, unfortunately can't be withdrawn, it's still there when the impact has been altered. What do you speak today? Anything you say wisely and soberly in respect, in love to others or in pursuing your sole intentions. How do you speak it? Is it with bitterness of mind, with carelessness which causes pain or with abundant peace and kindness? Is the joy reflected in it? But among all, is it spoken in sincerity and clean heart, with no other ultimate purpose in that but to rise up as incense for the glory of the Lord. Sweet words, it is sweet, yet it will be genuinely sweet, refreshing and strengthening just like His Word when love is present in it and it will stay to the depth of soul. Might it be a greeting, might it be a hello, a consolation, a light humor and smile-laughter, confessions, cheers or sorrows: only love gives meaning and touches hearts and lives.

Even the slightest thought could make a difference. Are we welcoming those whom the Lord sent in hospitality, care and servant-hood or are they just a bother? Are we receiving them in peace and we wash their feet --no matter who they are, and inviting them to Home; or are they a stumbling block which makes our day bad and regrettable? Today among those you live and move do you seek peace, holiness, the Kingdom and the righteousness? Are the world and its cares driving you away from the very center and the most important thing in life that is to love The Lord God with all your hearts and minds and strengths? Proverbs said, "give me, son, your heart" (Proverbs 23:26), only to the Lord God our heart should cleave completely.
Even the smallest act could make a difference. A gentle and attentive answer even to the most irrelevant man would never be worthless and gladsome to the hearts that listen to it. A little gift of smile, tears, sincere reach and presence could be a great cure for the weary hearts. Love heals. It is such a pure joy for she who sings in front of us, even though not the best song we can hear but we sincerely listen and give her an encouraging feedback. It is such a pure joy for a burdened friend to know that we care and want to help. It is such a joy for a friend who is tired from toils and we give him a tiny fresh water of friendship and companion. What a relieve it is for a stranger to know that he is not alone and that someone willing to offer him a help. What price can it replace when he who is dying from hunger and thirst but somebody comes and give him or her heart and life to be eaten? A cheerful giver is much more precious than the gifts he can give, however much it is. The joy of giving it can 'turn the water into wine' of love which is born from the act of compassion.

Love is action. Prayer is action. Even the least acts, a single word, a slight thought can be the means of love and there are plenty of the opportunities in our day! Lord, grant us attentive hearts to listen, to care and to take heed of Thy Holy Will! Lord, have mercy!

The Framework

These days and what happened in them has made me think and contemplate on a really serious matter in life. That is how we live (both consciously and unconsciously) our lives in term of relation with others. Yes, I am familiar with the sacred commandment to love others as myself. But how miserable it is when I look back and reflect on what have I done and have I been doing. Lord, have mercy! I don’t have love from my own, but am too busy with my own fears, cares and dreams.

I remember someone said that the state of one’s heart is evident in the way he thinks, speaks and acts. The Lord Himself said, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man”. (St. Mat 15:18). Since starting from there-the heart- is where we work out our energies and operate our stewardship. And for me, what I can see is my own fearfulness. I have such a fearful heart. Many times I find that I am very preoccupied with threats. I assume that the world around me is threatening, and my heart couldn’t be still. This is especially true in the case when I meet the new situations and people. Inaudibly, I can be so touchy and self-centered. In many situations, it’s just need to switch one “Click!” and instinctively the ‘defense mechanism’ turns on. When and where then the love and care for others so long as I am so deceived and occupied? Lord, have mercy!

In His faithfulness and mercy, the Lord reminds me through His beloved friend, that it is for us to look at others and forget ourselves (to care and love others). We trust in Him who is the Lover of Mankind. Exactly in this part is my vulnerable part. I used to do anything to protect my comfort zone or territory. It is not that easy to meld my hardened and mistrusting heart to simply trust my friends and yes even my enemies to do whatever to me as the Lord allows. At least as long as I use my old frame of “let me try to be so-so” with my own will power, then I am deceiving myself. Let’s say I were to be judged as Christ was, I would flattered many words to protect myself from any harm. This word is really speaking to me:

“... but letting others treat us badly, say bad things about us, make us do what is unpleasant or unfair, and to not try to defend oneself (that is humility)”

Lord, Only Thee, Only Thee hath the power and Love to transform and soften my heart. It’s only by Your Grace, my part is to say Yes to Thy Holy Will and follow Thee in obedience. Lord, nail me; nail me with Your Love to be as Thou wilt me to be. In every sighs and tears O Lord may Thy mercy sufficient to comfort me and let me throw myself under Thy Holy Feet! But help me O Lord in all things to take heeds to Your Holy commandments and to live it and to do it as weak as I am in Thy mercy. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me! May Thy Words becomes the Light unto my feet. My it be my framework in Life. To see Thee, O Lord, to follow Thee is the greatest joy of all. Change my heart O God! Let this cruel sinner be your faithful servant, by Thy mercy! Ameyn!

A Homily by St. Nikolai Velimirovich

About how the slothful man excuses himself

"The slothful man says: A lion is outside; in the streets I might be slain!" (Proverbs 22:13).

In order to justify his slothfulness, the slothful man emphasizes the difficulties and obstacles of a certain task and magnifies them beyond measure. If a man annoys him, he will say that the entire village annoys him; if the leaves rustle, he will justify that he is unable to go to work because of a storm; if a rabbit is in front of his house, he will say it is a lion! He says this in order not to leave the house and to delay his work.

Slothfulness is completely contrary to the nature of man. The nature of man is activity; the nature of man seeks to be occupied, to work and to build. Slothfulness is the sure sign of a distortion of the nature of man. That slothfulness is a terrible vice is clear in that an active man is never envious of the slothful man, while the slothful man is envious of the active man; in the same manner a sober man is not envious of the drunk, while the drunk is envious of the sober man.

O Lord, ever-active Creator, save us from the dull and sinful slothfulness by which we distance ourselves from our primordial nature [created] from Your image and likeness, Master of all things! Inspire us, with Your Holy Spirit, all-compassionate and joy-creating.

To You be glory and thanks always. Amen.

Quoted from: http://www.stgeorgehermitage.org/prologue.php

goes beyond words

I find recently that my casual way of communicating using my second language, Bahasa Indonesia (my mother tongue is Javanese) is somehow a little bit difficult for me. At times, my tongue was twisted and even using some broken grammar when talking with my friends :D. Like yesterday when I was going to the Food Junction to take my lunch. It's funny when I realized that I spoke sometimes irrelevantly and with a little bit chaotic grammar. I wondered, how could it be when I become a teacher one day. I hope my students will understand yet. Lord, have mercy!

As I pondered that event, there was one little thing came up to my mind. It is about the universal language. Here in Indonesia, there are many occasions in which I have to deal with people from many local ethnics. Each has their own dialects and ways of speaking. When I remember those times, it reminds me that it is not the exactness of the words or dialect which makes us really communicate. It is the 'who' and 'how' seems to be more determining. I don't deny the importance of exact words though, but in the deeper and even deepest sense, it is love which speaks clearer anytime.

Very interesting it is to notice that even two people who don't really understand each other's language are still being able to communicate. It is the act which comes out of willingness to reach, to understand and to care other persons helps the persons to touch each others and achieve the mutual understanding. It is in that one mind and heart that the persons begin to feel belong and then learn the 'what'. And it is true then what St. James admonished us, "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters!* Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger". (James 1:19)

Thus I learn that it is not only the beauty of the words-- and not only the 'what' that we think or we speak and we try to give others will be planted in our beloved minds and really matters, but how much love that we bring with the words, the smile, the nods, the reach, the touch, the sighs, the enthusiasm, the sincerity, the cares, etc which will speaks so undeniably to their being. Yet, even when they despise it all for any reason, it is precious in the eyes of The Lover of mankind.

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

An elder said...

O blessed soul, listen to this. Nothing you can say about prayer is enough. Because prayer never ends,... It is a discussion with God. I cannot tell you what a person feels while praying. One thing must be made known, and that is that the soul of the faithful one needs to pray endlessly. When the doxology ends, supplication begins. When supplication ends, requests begin. And then one starts all over again. When one prays he also remembers his wondering brother and prays daily to God for his illumination and that he may be blessed to find his way to salvation.

***

Archimandrite Ioannikos, An Athonite Gerontikon, p.350